Quick Takes: One Thing At A Time

I've been rather hyped-up on self-discovery and analyzation in the last two years.

So, in early 2009, I was quite excited to feel that I made some sort of breakthrough and solved a piece of my life-puzzle.

It goes like this:

A) I was feeling extremely depressed and unhappy with almost everything.
B) I wanted to find a solution to my depression.
C) The one thing I could think of that made me happy was being creative.
D) Therefore to me, being creative was akin to being happy.
E) And, therefore, I decided to do as many creative projects as possible in 2009.
F) That would solve everything and I would be happy.

Makes sense, no?

If I recall the moments in my life where I feel the most positive, it would be those moments where I am working on new music (generally for myself).

So, with that theory in mind, I set out to incorporate as many new forms of creative self-expression into my life.

I began writing more, working on humorous t-shirt ideas, coming up with web comic ideas (which have not come to light yet since lo-ku beat me to the punch!) and starting a series of new musical side projects.

Yeah! That will keep me busy. And more importantly, it will help to alleviate my crippling depression.

Right?

Wrong.

Wrong? Why?

A month or so ago, I figured out another key element to that puzzle that was out of place.

Through the process of overloading myself with as many projects as possible, I began to notice that I got less done. In fact, a lot less. My mind was scattered across multiple ideas, and had trouble focusing. I was intimidated and had trouble starting any of them.

Also, at my day job, I took on some new tasks for a while that soon proved something that I had not known about myself:

I am not a multitasker.

Nope.

After several life examples of my non-multitasking (or shite) abilities, I saw that I am at my best when I have a single goal to focus my mind on, otherwise, I get overwhelmed with options and possibilities, and then nothing gets done.

So my goal of doing as many creative projects as possible as a solution to my depression was a good one; but it left out one important discovery about the kind of person I am.

A uni-tasker.

So, are YOU really a multitasker?

Quick Takes: Stupid People

I bumped into an old acquaintance, and began, against my will, a dull small-talk conversation.

This situation was bad for two reasons:
1) I'm irritated by small-talk
2) I thought this girl was an idiot

Regardless of my feelings for this person (or lack thereof) I played nice, and kept up the conversation. But for my own amusement, I tried to see what interesting psychological observations I could pull out from her.

As we awkwardly chatted about what we've been up to, the topic steered into her work, and her frustrations of dealing with her co-workers:

"It's just like everybody else just doesn't get it, you know? I have all these ideas, but no one else can understand them. It's just so irritating!"

I feigned understanding, and nodded as if in agreement. She continued.

"I just hate working with stupid people, you know?"

I stared at her for a moment with my eyes wide and one eyebrow raised, before I caught myself and returned to a look of understanding (while holding back a laugh).

Did she really say she hates stupid people?

Is she aware that she, in my opinion, is an idiot?

Which got me thinking.

I bet everyone, if asked, would say they hate stupid people. Even those that you and I would find impossibly stupid, would say they hate stupid people. No matter how stupid you may appear to be to others, there are always those that are stupider than that. And even THOSE people hate stupid people!

What a funny example of our flawed self-perceptions. We generally like to think of ourselves as smart, or deep, or interesting, but are we?

If this little fictitious hierarchy of the ever-stupider has any merit, then to someone, somewhere, you, yourself, are a complete idiot too.

Yes, think about that. Regardless of your personal convictions, to someone, you are a fucking moron.

I guess we're all stupid then, or no one is.

Idiot.

Quick Takes: What Does It Mean?

It was one of the coldest nights of the whole winter; somewhere below zero.

I finished work that evening, headed out to my car in the parking lot, opened the door and turned the key.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I paused for a second, eyes slowly widening, and tried it again.

"C'mon damnit! You started fine today!"

Again, not a sound, not a click, not a rev.

After some phone calls made in vain, I grabbed the shipment of books that I had picked up earlier from the post office, zipped up my not-made-for-real-winter leather jacket and started on my walk home.

As I walked through the the frigid arctic weather that instantly froze my eyebrows, I began to wonder about the situation.

"What an awful time for my car to die on me," I thought out loud.

And it was, no doubt about that.

Pushing on through the bitter cold, the analyst in me kept pushing for a reason behind my current circumstances.

"I wonder why this happened now? Is this something bigger than I think it is? Is this, perhaps, a sign of some sort? Whoa... maybe it is. What could I have done to bring this on?"

I glanced down at the parcel I was carrying. It contained several books on atheism, critical thinking, logic and science. I laughed.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked myself as I realized the error in my thinking.

Sure, my car did not start up that night, and on quite and inopportune one to boot. But what about the other thousand times it started up fine? Were those a sign of something too? If not, why not?

Cars are mechanical devices which will eventually be prone to break down. It just happens. No cosmic significance, no fate, no supernatural intervention.

We are all prone to errors in thinking. No exceptions. Just because we WANT there to be purposeful reasons behind our world, especially when we do not understand them, does not mean that there are.

It's a wonderful lesson in humility to understand that not every minute detail of the universe is aimed at teaching me, an insignificant sarcastic elitist, about some trivial aspect of my life.

So what does it all mean?

Absolutely nothing. Now finish walking home, and go fix your car.




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Quick Takes: Think Positive!

I had been beset by two abdominal hernias within a few months of each other, almost went completely broke, was still reeling from an emotional relationship breakup, and was becoming so depressed and bitter about life I had recently contemplated suicide.

Needless to say, good times.

Even with all of the shit I've experienced in the last two years, I really hate emotional pandering.

Recently, someone asked me a very traditional and unassuming thing:

"Hey, Niko. How are you."

I stared at them with a subtly changing expression that conveyed my conflicting emotional state.

"Ehhhh..." I said, shrugging.

They looked concerned. (Why I don't know, as I usually respond it such a manner).

"Why is that?" She asked.

I touched lightly over the idea that I was completely unhappy with my life in general.

She seemed to sympathize with me, but added, "Yeah, but you gotta think positive, you know?"

.....Wait, what did you just say?

Think positive?!

Why?!

What are people really saying when they tell you to "think positive"?

To me, this idea of thinking positive, just for the sake of thinking positive, is in error.

Telling me to think positive about something, is, in a way, like telling me to be in denial about all of the facts of the given situation.

"Be in denial!"

Hmmm, you know what? No thanks.

Sure, I probably skew things too far in favor of the negative, and that's not mentally healthy either. Both perspectives are equally biased.

Thinking positively about something that is unlikely to turn out positively will potentially lead to your disappointment. (Disappointment is bad, remember?)

My goal is to learn how to think realistically and clearly, with as little emotional bias as possible.

Sure we always WANT things to turn out for the best, but that does not mean that they always do.

Life is full of both positive and negative experiences, and many colors in between. To only look at it from one perspective gives you blinders, effectively keeping out most of the real content of life.

I know she meant well by telling me to "think positive," but all I hear is, "Niko, ignore reality. That's what I do."

 

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