The Inefficacy Of Prayer

Prayer is damn near everywhere ( I should have said "god damn". That would have been funnier). It has become second nature, even within our modern culture. From the inauguration ceremony for our nation's presidents, to a softball team before a game, to a get well card informing the sick person that they are in the card-giver's prayers.

It is seen as something positive, helpful, and, by many, extremely essential.

So what is the deal with prayer? Does prayer have a "deal"? And more importantly, do I have an opinion on it?

My title gives the last part away, which makes me think I should re-title this blog, "Prayer: You Won't Believe Niko's Unexpected Opinions!"

But they are expected. I don't like a lot of things, and this is a thing.

Well, what do you say? Should we do some dissection into the concept of prayer?

No?

Whoops, too late.

THAT'S WHY WE PRAY

Before we can throw poop on something, we need to know what it is we are hurling our feces upon (finely compacted as it might be).

So what is prayer?

Prayer is defined as "a solemn request or thanksgiving to God or an object of worship".

A pretty familiar concept for most of us I'd assume. (I can't think of anything funny to say here beyond the word 'trousers'. It's just a funny sounding word).

So why do people pray?

People pray for things they want, and things they don't want. They ask for things to change, and for things to stay exactly the same. They pray for courage, and because of fear. They ask for healing, and they pray for death (literally, people pray for others to die... as in the president. Nice folks, those).

It just so happens that we are generally fearful, needy, lazy creatures, and the idea of asking an almighty being for guidance, assistance, and intervention, in place of dealing with the big, scary world on our own is comforting and relieving, even when we don't get what we want.

If you haven't yet, check out QualiaSoup's excellent video on this subject called "The Superstitious Pigeon". It's very entertaining and has many great points that will poke you in the eyes, as they are decently sharp (but wait until you finish this blog or you'll ruin my flow, and I've been chugging ex-lax all morning).

GO ASK YOUR GUIDES

I did not grow up in a traditional religious household, but to add my own experience to this essay, I had a strange version of prayer instilled into me vicariously through my mother and her metaphysical tofu trappings.

Instead of praying to God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, or other gods, I was told on many, many occasions that if I wanted something, had questions about my life, or wanted help dealing with something, that I should ask my "guides".

You heard me.

Supposedly, my "guides" were kind of like guardian angels that would look out for me, and help me out (assuming I asked them, waited, then solved the problem myself).

So there I was as a youngster having conversations with my "guides" on a frequent basis. And when the "guides" were unhelpful, or put me on hold while out to lunch (happened a lot for some reason), I was to ask my "higher self". (Now I know that it's tempting to make some drug jokes with that, but since I do no drugs myself, I'll leave that to you, my stoned, coked-out readers).

My higher self was, I guess, another version of me that was smarter, wiser, perhaps more aware, and maybe (since there really is no clear answer to anything in the entirety of New Age beliefs) lived my life already and therefore could answer my questions about it.

Confused yet?

So am I.

I should ask my guides about my higher self.

THE WINNING PRAYER

Yes, yes. I don't like sports. I should write a blog about that.

But I also find it extra ridiculoid-stupid-ass when professional athletes pray.

And pray they do.

So I'm genuinely curious, why do they pray?

Obviously there are at least two teams involved in any competition (the ones that make money at least), and both sides are likely praying as well. And probably the same god (if statistics can be trusted).

Both teams want to win right? Therefore both teams ask their God for help, so they can overcome the odds in slow-motion to the underscore of Vangellis. Seems pretty cut and dried.

So here's what's bothering me.

Why would He (or It, she, they, he/she) give two shits about a stupid little game that you get to play? A game that affects hardly anyone's lives, involves no life-or-death consequences (except in European football riots), will not add to the greater knowledge or advancement of mankind, and in the grand scheme, is really pretty trivial.

Would a God, a supernatural, magical, transcendent being who has the ability to create consciousness and fiery, nuclear-powered suns care about that?

Apparently, if you ask the athletes (never ask them things, you'll only be disappointed), He gives a strong hovering fuck about them and their specific team.

...Therefore any team.

...Therefore every team.

...And in every sport.

...Throughout time.

But only one team is victorious in the end, which says to me that God likes one sports team over another. So I ask you...

Why would a God pick favorites?

If one side wins (and one usually does), then what does that say about the team that lost? Did they not pray enough? Did they pray the wrong way? Did they pray too much, thereby irritating their temperamental invisi-king? Have they been forsaken? Were they, by chance, just a crappier team?

So many questions.

And if God does favor you to win, as we are lead to "believe", why try at all right? After all, you're the CHOSEN TEAM. You cannot lose. Even if you decide not to show up to the game. Somehow your God will see fit to humiliate the other unfavored shit-hole team (who also prays to that God).

Do these questions bother anyone else?

GOD AND TRIVIAL PURSUIT

Speaking of things that bother me about prayer (say, what a convenient segue), how about the really petty and trivial side of praying? (Indeed, how?)

I understand that many times when people pray, it's for something significant or dramatic. They get sick, and want to feel like they have a way out of it. Or a family member dies, and they want the strength to get through a trying time.

But many people pray for ridiculous and meaningless things. And they do this a lot. (Remember?)

Do you really think that God, the supposed creator of the universe, who is all powerful and all wise, created all life and the underlying psychics that make it work (just go with me here) personally cares about, and wants to help you with:

-winning a video game?
-finding your keys?
-getting through traffic?
-not messing up your lines in a school play?
-getting that email you were waiting for?
-finding a great deal on detergent?
-choosing the home loan that's right for you?
-your dandruff problem?
-getting the goddamn washing machine to work?
-having your DVR not cut off the last few minutes of the season finale of House?
-making the girl at the cash register smile at you?
-being the final bidder for that awesome Betamax machine on eBay?
-your awful smelling vaginal discharge?

"Well, I know I should be designing that new solar system I've been meaning to get to, but I think I should go help Jeff Henderson of Westminster, Colorado on planet Earth get that 50-cents-an-hour pay-raise at Wal-mart he's been so deserving of! Trivial God AWAY!!!!!!"

Stop praying for these things. In fact stop praying. Go do something about it if it matters so much to you.

A PLAN FOR EACH OF US

Another thing, in the slightly more philosophical side of things is how pointless prayer is, in the confines of the typical christianity-based ideological system. Let the contradictions begin! (Spoken in Mortal Kombat voice).

So, God has a plan for you right? I guess he has one for everyone. Most people believe in an omniscient God, meaning everything that is ever going to happen to you is known to this God, or more specifically, also planned out by Him directly (since He interferes in your personal life, so say believers). So if it is predecided what will, and will not happen to you across the entire course of your life, why are you praying for anything at all?

Remember, as stated above, god has already planned everything out. So are you trying to change the creator's mind? God is supposedly unchanging (except for all that stuff in the bible). Are you asking It for things you are not "supposed to have", or things that were not in your cards? How dare you! You're not supposed to question your God, right? The nerve!

If your God is truly all-knowing, then he would have already known that you wanted something and would have factored that into his divine plan beforehand right? After all, he created you.

Does your God not know what you want and need, is that it? Is He not all-knowing after all? Does He simply have a lot on his mind and forgets your little needs from time to time? Does He just need a little reminder?

Then he's not all knowing, again.

Sometimes people say that God already knows what they want, but are just praying to give a boost (of what I don't know. Maybe placebo power). So now God works on a pay-per-prayer system?

The prayers with the most pray-ers gets paid out first, and the ones with not so many hits have to wait to accumulate prayer points? I did not realize God looked favorably on bribes, and numbers. So much for the meek.

"Um... excuse me, sir?" *cough cough* "May I have some food for my family?"

Dear Wretched Poor Person Whom I Love With All My Heart,

Thank you for your continued support in my existence and your desperate prayers for basic survival.

Unfortunately according to my records, I have not received the allotted amount of prayer hits or group percentage points necessary to review your case. Please increase these numbers, submit them to the Cleveland office with the proper prayer forms, and try again.

Sincerely,

Your all-loving benevolent God.

PRAYER STUDIES

I had an argument a while back with my mother, and my dad's wife about the power of prayer. Yes both of them at the same time, long story.

It started that we all had heard that several prayer studies had been conducted, yet we all heard different results. And by "heard" I mean "wanted to believe".

The study in question was one that was even mentioned in The God Delusion. A few years ago, a "study to end all studies" (meaning there will be more studies) was conducted, in which many patients at a hospital who were about to undergo surgery were prayed for by several church congregations.

The patients were divided into three groups. The first was a group that was prayed for (no complications and a fast recovery), and was unaware that anyone was praying for them. The second group was prayed for as well, but told about it. The third group was the control group who were not prayed for at all.

So far, we all agreed on these facts.

But here is where my mother (who still retains much of her New Age beliefs), and my dad's wife (who is probably a liberal, moderate, nice christian), both told me that the study had proved the power of prayer.

Interesting.

Since I had just come off from researching this very thing, I had to step in and correct them. (By the way it's not often that I actually have the facts to back something like this up, it just happened to work out this time).

According to the data, the prayed-for patients and the ones not prayed-for recovered at almost the same rate. Basically, no real differences.

What becomes humorous to me is the remaining group who were prayed-for and told about it. They actually did significantly worse then the others!

It turns out that simply knowing that others were praying for them, in large numbers, made many of them feel guilty and anxiety ridden about the pace of their healing, and thus ended up slowing their recovery process.

It was too much pressure.

Despite having the information right there, my mother and my dad's wife still refused to concede that this study helped to show that prayer was largely ineffective, and probably did not hold the supernatural power they both so wanted to believe in.

Such is the power of belief. All the facts in the world will have little power to sway it, so I've learned (slowly).

WHAT'S THE HARM?

"Okay so prayer is nothing more than a placebo. Fine, fine. So then why make a big deal about nothing?"

This is a position held by many progressive light christians regarding religion. They ignore the fundamentalist portion of their own group, as if they did not exist, and say "even if it is not entirely true, what is the harm?"

All right...

There have been many cases in the last few years of children dying from fully-treatable illnesses, because their parents refused any medical attention. What did these parents do instead? Well, since the theme of this blog is pretty obvious, you know what they did.

They prayed.

A lot.

And the poor neglected children all passed away. One couple from a 2008 case stated that they thought their daughter's body was a spiritual war zone between Jesus Christ and the forces of Hell. Only by refusing "worldly medicine" could their daughter be saved (/dead). And dead she was.

Another terrible case involved a 16 year old boy who suffered inflammation of the urethra, which made him unable to urinate. Again, his parents refused medical attention and substituted the "power of prayer", resulting in the boy dying in one of the most unpleasant ways I could imagine. Basically, his "filled up with urine", and killed his bladder, kidneys and heart.

No thank you, sir.

I'm guessing that even losing their children had no effect on these negligent parents' belief in prayer-only-miracle-cures.

Fucking aggravating, isn't it? (Agree with me)

THE EFFICACY OF PRAYER

Wait. That is the opposite of the title. Is this more of that 'start one way and then throw in a dichotomy thing' again? Not this time pal.

What can be measured or studied about the positive effects of a prayer-like state of mind is that of meditation.

Meditating has been shown (notice my lack of citing evidence) to be good for calming and focusing the mind on problems at hand. It is a healthy way of dealing with stress and Samurai fatigue (that's when a samurai is tired from a long day at the office).

Be that as it may (and it does), this deals purely with the physical aspects of meditation, and has absolutely nothing to do with prayer's supposed supernatural connection in any way. Sorry.

And I know that won't change your mind.

But hey, you don't have to believe me. Go ask your guides about it.

 

 

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Tags: prayer praying religion religious god spiritual placebo social psychology effective study belief believe philosophy newage


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Existentialist Artist and Drunk Evangelist part 2

Please read the first part of this story by clicking HERE. Seriously. It will make a lot more sense if you do. (Not that much of this conversation makes sense).

Last time I talked about the drunk older guy, a self-proclaimed artist and poet who cornered me for some not-so-philosophical conversation at a house party.

And now the exciting conclusion! (No one should miss the terrifying butter scene!!!)

******************************
Continued from part 1...

Moving through thickly detailed topics like The Universe, as if they were snotty tissues, he quickly landed on the topic of chaos.

Chaos. Could be pretty interesting right? Maybe? (I see you're not going with me on this one).

"Humans, man, they have no control, you know? We have no control. Everything just keeps moving and moving"

*He makes circles with his hands again*

Trying to throw him a bone I nodded. "I agree. I don't think anything within the universe has this "control" you speak of. Just actions and reactions".

I actually had no idea what he was talking about anymore. Perhaps I just could not grasp it, or maybe he was just embracing more artistic-sounding vague concepts and spouting them out at me so I would say, "yeah man. Totally. That's so true," then stare into the speakers of the stereo playing some Pink Floyd album on repeat.

He shook his head slightly and replied, "well, I don't think everything is out of control."

*Car tires screeching to a halt* Wait, what? Didn't he just say humans have no control? Did I just hear him wrong?

I had to confirm. "So you think some form of control exists then?" I asked him curiously. Curiously confused.

"Yeah, I do. I think it does."

"Oh? And how does one find this elusive control?" I questioned.

By this time I was far beyond the fact that we had not in any way established what this "control" was in any sort of specifics, but I was still amused by his drunk pontificating, and wanted to egg him on through his pseudo-philosophical rambling.

"Well, my belief is that mankind can get control through Christianity."

And you lost me. If I had not shut down my normal reactions, ideas, and replies enough as it was, now any bullshit philosophical trip I felt like taking with this drunk, non-conformi-poet would be right out, since they would not match the confines of his good ol' Christy Hannity.

And don't forget this guy has muscles, if I say something that blatantly criticizes religion, he may beat the shit out of me. Who knows how religious he is.

"Hmmm." I pondered patronizingly, as if his idea was very intriguing to me. "How so?"

"Well, through belief and faith I can get control." He stated.

I had a feeling something like this would be coming during my humoring of him. Many artists seem to think that being into a bunch of airy-fairy spirituality makes them really fascinating and intriguing.

Guess how I know that? C'mon guess. Yep. Used to be into it too. Well, not christianity, but the airy-fairy new age bullshit. Boy I sure was interesting being all vaguely spiritual. I feel depressed just thinking about that.

Digression. Back from commercial.

I continued my restating of his contradiction. "So you feel that, though mankind has no control, there actually is control, as you say, through the means of Christianity, via the "tools" of belief and faith? Is that correct?"

"Yeah." He said almost confidently.

I decided to test that theory with a simple question.

"So do you feel that you have more control in your life because of your faith and belief?"

"Well, me? No. I don't have more control."

Whu whu WHA? *spit take*

"Wait, I thought you said that faith and belief through Christianity gives you control?"

"No, that's not what I said..."

Sorry, I took your words out of context, didn't I? Nope, I did not.

With a pleasant smile that was concealing a pent-up laugh, I 'humbly' backed down.

"All right, sorry. Tell me then."

He proceeded to slowly amble through some spontaneous back peddling.

"Well I think that people can get more control of their own lives, not everything else..."

I jumped on his sentence. "Sure, sure. That's what I figured you meant."

He nodded and tried to finish his thought. "...yeah, well, that's what I believe, that through faith..."

I jumped on his line again. "That you have more personal control over you own life right?"

"Well no, not for me though..."

ARRGGG!! What the hell do you mean man! Either faith and belief gives you control over your life, or they work but you personally have no faith or belief, or they do not work at all. What is it guy?!

Yes I was a bit irritated by this, but not so much that I couldn't also find it wonderfully amusing.

Overhearing the word 'Christianity' a young man, dressed in loose-fitting, slightly hip hop attire, and slam-hammered-drunk, came stumbling over to join the rousing chorus.

"Are you guys talking about Christianity?"

The older guy looked annoyed at having someone else break his 'deep' artist to artist connection, as we really had something special going.

"Well, not exactly..." He started.

I decided to jump in again and try to derail any conversations dealing with religion before they started. After all, it was the word 'christianity' which brought this gentleman over in the first place, and my evangelical radar was lighting up like a flaming pagan solstice icon (I mean Christmas tree).

"We're talking about all kinds of things. Art, life, existence..." I said, playing nice, as if I was really enjoying the dialog. (Well, I actually kinda was, but for different reasons).

He looked at me a bit confused, trying desperately to find his place to jump into the discussion and begin preaching. "And you said you did not believe in god, or.... what?. . "

I really did not feel like spending this kind of energy on this topic, so I avoided saying anything about myself and what I really think, by directing the attention back to the tan, white-haired gentleman (he's hard to miss).

"He was simply telling me what he believed and I was simply asking him why." That seemed soft enough, didn't it?

The youngin' looked to be gathering his wits about him. Uh oh. He wanted to do battle, didn't he? Crap. I did not feel like dealing with this right now. The easy-going conversation on non-conformity and arty things was just fine (and quite amusing to me), but now I'm about to get sold a subscription to something. I just know it.

"Well, like. . .do you , I mean, do you think that you've. . .sinned, like in your life?"

Ah HA! I knew it! So you're going to do this tactic are you? Well, friends, have you heard this one before? He's going to ask if I have ever stolen anything, lied, cheated and such to make me feel that I am a guilty "sinner" in need of redemption. Yes, heard it before.

So how to handle this?

At this point I could just go into full-on argument mode where I whip out all the goods from errors in scripture, to the weird illogical loophole of God sacrificing himself to himself to appease himself, to philosophical arguments and logic with Occam's razor. After all, I read and research this stuff all the time, and this would be my first real discussion now that I have some knowledge on my side. Could be a great opportunity right?

But no. Were I to take the attack path, I would likely spend the rest of the party vilified as the 'evil' atheist (since I doubt they would know what atheism really means), and it would make the rest of the night uncomfortable and unpleasant for me.

In other words, to attack him would make for a poor situation in the long run for me selfishly.

Plus it would not even be worth it, as the guy was really, and I mean REALLY drunk, and would never remember any of my points, nor would he likely be able to continue a good topic if we got one started.

Damn you alcohol!!

So I decided to avoid the skeptic, atheist, anti-theist route and just try and disarm his pre-planned thought train.

I thought for a second about something I could say without coming off as too 'atheist'.

"I don't believe in the concept of sin." I said calmly.

Which seemed to work wonderfully, as he was not prepared for that answer.

You see, the technique he was going to use on me relies heavily on pre-planned steps, and anticipated responses from their "victims". If you can get them off of the track they try to stick you on, you can sometimes make it through the gauntlet unscathed.

He stood, unsure of what to say. "Well, I mean. .. oh. . . but. . . uh. . . I mean. . . ok, ok. . . like you've done wrong, something bad, right?"

"Of course." I said with a smugness that only Calvin could replicate.

"So. . .ok. . .so you don't think that like. . . that would be like a sin?"

"I suppose if I gave the concept of sin any validity whatsoever, you could call it that. But I don't. It's all so subjective."

He quickly tried (though his reactions were slowed) to get me back to where he could make me feel guilty for being a human, therefore instilling the need to ask for forgiveness from... I forgot his name. Some guy. Was it W.C. Fields? I like him.

"Well, but. . .you have done wrong, so does that not make you a bad person?"

"Nope." I think I was supposed to say yes here. This is fun.

"uh. . .wha? . ..um how, how come?" He obviously did not see that coming, which just made me smile.

I did my best to explain my position, still trying to appear as spiritually ambiguous as possible.

"Because I usually know when I've done wrong, through my own interpretations of my feelings and the situation at hand, and I choose, more often then not, to make the situation better, and resolve it with those I've done wrong to, on a direct and individual basis."

He paused to think about that. My aim was to use a lot of words and phrases that purposefully made my statement lean to a strong secular-humanistic approach regarding morality, as opposed to a spiritual one, just in case he had some stronger arguments about that, or wanted to use some of my own word choices against me.

"But just 'cause you ...resolve stuff with someone, does it now make that right?"

"Yep."

Again, he was not expecting that answer. This was actually really enjoyable, even though he was drunk. It was like a much more dull version of a Dan Brown novel, "Breaking The Christian Guilt Code".

Keep 'em comin' buddy!

He continued to press me in hopes that he would regain his rehearsed foothold. "...but...I mean...how?"

"Because I've taken responsibility for my own actions, then directly worked to make that situation right with the very person, or people that were involved in the subjective wrong doing in the first place. I've learned from a mistake, and corrected a negative action with a positive one."

This ended his guilt-trip and moral-break-down approach, and he then moved into a stranger, miracle-based approach, still in the conversational, pre-supposed-question-form that he had begun earlier.

See if these win you over.

"If you saw someone actually walk on water," (which he acted out), "wouldn't you be pretty amazed?"

Sure, but I'd first be skeptical and see if there were any natural explanations for the events in question. All I ever want to ask him was "how do you know that actually happened?" And, "even if he did walk on water, how does that prove he is God?" I didn't of course. I just smiled and nodded.

How about the ever popular, jesus went through a lot of pain, therefore the entire story must be true argument?

"Just imagine that all his friends helped to get him there, you know, crucified, and he was betrayed, can you imagine that?"

Yep. Can. Pretty Neat. Totally convinced. Good one.

For being drunk he was pretty tenacious, I'll give him that. Were he sober, he might give me a bit of a challenge. But this was fine for now.

At this point the girl I knew at the party came outside just in time to hear the word 'Jesus', and, being someone who is not a fan of religion herself, yet not well-versed in any serious arguments or information yet, looked at me with a knowing smile and tried to interrupt my drunk preaching friend.

My eyes darted over to her with a look of anger and caution. I knew exactly what was going on in her mind. She knew I was a strong atheist, and was reading a lot about this subject matter, and wanted me to basically "rip him a new one" for her.

So I quickly leaned in towards her and whispered, "don't say a thing. Let him talk."

She looked confused, but ended up saying nothing. (That was close).

Later I informed her that you need to pick your battles, and a drunk older guy who is a self-proclaimed non-conformist artist and poet with hybrid newage-christian leanings, and a ridiculously-smashed young kid barely making sense about Jesus is not the battle to fight. Not even worth it. I would rather have people not hate me the rest of the night, thank you very much.

Soon after I shushed my friend who seemed hell bent on getting everyone upset with me, another young girl, who was friends with my christian beer buddy, came out and began to lecture the young gentlemen after she heard him trying to preach to me.

"How can you tell this guy [me] about how to act if you can't even do it yourself!?" She prodded.

He tried to defend himself against her. "Well, nobody's perfect. I try to do my best to act right, and yeah, I don't always do it. But if I tried to I would be a hypocrite, you know?"

"You haven't changed at all! You're still doing all the things you used to do!!" She accused.

I had no idea what he used to be like, or what he is like now, but I had a lot of trouble suppressing my laughter at this newly developing drama.

"Yeah, but that's who I am. I can still talk about how to be right with Jesus, without doing everything right all the time! It's what's in my heart that counts!"

Say, isn't that actually an argument in my favor?

With that I walked back into the house, seeing my opportunity to dodge the rest of his preaching.

All I could think of afterwards was how interesting it was to me that I had two very memorable encounters with random people, back to back, in the same night. I guess I just get lucky sometimes (in an ironic sort of way).

Though I know I would have likely not have gotten the conversation I wanted out of either of these two strange and funny characters, I can still take away from it a constant fascination, surprise and humor of how ridiculous and deluded we all can be. How some of us never grow out of our teen years, and some of us never take the chance to critically examine ourselves and our own beliefs.

We don't always get what we want, but sometimes what we get is way more worthwhile. You just have to know how to appreciate it. (Which I don't).



Enjoy reading this blog? Please favorite, rate or bookmark this page, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

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Tags: art artist philosophy psychology party sarcasm humor funny atheist atheism christianity religion spirituality drunk


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Existentialist Artist and Drunk Evangelist part 1

Good conversations are at a premium (I was going to add 'these days', but really, when are they ever in abundance?). Throw a bunch of alcohol into the mix (for everyone besides yourself), and you've pretty much shot down your chances at getting any decent discussion started, or sustained.

However, odd characters, and interesting psychological specimens are everywhere. (Even if what makes them interesting is purely ironic, unintentional or mind boggling).

Such is the nature of a recent house party I attended (don't ask me why I was at a house party).

"Why were you at a house party Niko?"

HEY!! What did I just say? Don't make me pull this car over young man!

Before I regurgitate the odd dialogues I eventually found myself in, you need to know one thing: All I want right now is good, intellectual conversations. I literally crave it as if it were laced with nicotine (though, not being a smoker, that sounds disgusting).

I don't really care if the person has the same viewpoint I do, as long as they can carry on a spirited conversation, and are willing to entertain other points of view. (I know you think that I can't listen to other points of view, given my writing style and all, but assure you I'm much more tame and friendly in person).

That being said, let's move back in time to that strange evening at the house party.

I'm never good a large gatherings, but I did my best, as the only girl I knew at the party led me around and introduced me to various people. After meeting most of the young, hip, people in the house (I just assume), an older fellow, probably in his early sixties, with short all-white hair, a large frame (from muscles not fat), and very tanned or just brown skin (it was hard to tell, though he was of some Mexican decent) came around the corner and into the kitchen. I noticed that he was clutching an almost empty beer stein.

He was introduced to me as "[can't remember his name], Anthony's father"; Anthony being the one who owned the townhouse. I shook hands with him (the older guy, not the townhouse), then stayed suspended in mid-handshake as he refused to let me go while he asked me a series of small talk questions.

As a quick aside, I really have a hard time with small talk. It makes me uncomfortable.

"What was your name again?" He asked as his vision tried to catch up to his head's movement.

"Niko" I replied.

"Miko huh?" He confirmed. I smiled to myself, but said nothing.

"What's you last name?" He continued.

To which I told him, while still, strangely, holding his hand.

"What are you, [insert any off-target ethnic sounding region of the world here]?"

"Dutch actually. Some danish." I replied, still trying to make light conversation.

"Oh, really?..." He started, while still keeping my hand firmly in his. "...I've been over there before, it's a great country!"

This is the kind of talk I really don't care for. I feel like I'm always trying to find the most uninteresting thing to say, as it is what is most likely to make the other person feel like I'm playing by the unsaid "rules of polite chit chat".

"I'm sure it is. Never been." I tried to make one of those not-really-funny, but light and conversational jokes. "Land of wooden shoes and cheese I hear."

*cringe* See what I mean?

He stared at me with slight smile, still holding my hand.

"You know a lot of good artists come from over there."

He did not strike me as someone who was into art (not that I really know a Monet from a canvas covered in the soupy vomit of a seizuring retarded child). But at least the topic could go somewhere more profound. Could.

"Yep, that's true" I said (I actually have no idea), testing where he would go with the conversation and trying to find a way out of his strange motionless hand non-shake.

Without missing a beat he plunged into self promotion.

"I'm an artist and a poet. I've done all kinds of big stuff over the years. I've been an artist for 30 years."

Though it may seem odd, since I would consider myself a musician, a writer (lyrics are kind of like poetry right?) and a somewhat artist (mostly graphic design stuff these days, I'm sure my drawing skills would on par with sub par), I really don't like talking with most artists. Those that make bold proclamations of their artistic nature and then apply it to how they see the world... it's just so... irritatingly conceited.

...which is precisely what I do, in my own way.

And yet I hate it. (Always some sort of dichotomy in these blogs lately huh?) Which is why I generally try to hide the fact that I do anything artistic until pretty far down the "getting to know someone" line.

But maybe this guy is actually pretty cool. Maybe he has some interesting perspectives on life and art and people. You never know. They are out there you know.

So...

I tried to find some common ground, (as you do), and admitted (a bit hesitantly), that I too, was a bit of an artist (sort of), though I refrained from any specifics. Little did I know that this one line would change the course of the night and be the entire reason this blog ever happened. So, sorry, in advance.

Once finally released from his episodic grip (which got turned down for a 3rd season, thankfully), I stepped outside on the patio to hang out with the girl that asked me to come down in the first place. After a few wonderfully poignant asides and quips, which have no bearing on this topic (so I won't post them), the older white-haired guy walked out onto the patio, came right next to me and said bluntly, "So let's talk about something. What do you want to talk about?"

Strange way to get a conversation going, I know. But I realized why he did it. You see, he had now singled me out as the other "artist" at the party, and therefore, I must think like he does, or at least similarly.

I knew that from the start, he wanted to wax philosophical about art existentially. He did not say that mind you, but you could tell by his eyebrows (or was it his wrist?).

Since conversation was my goal, and everyone else at this party was just a group of drunk, mid-to-late-20-somethings, the option of a discussion about life and art with a self-proclaimed artist and poet seemed the only potentially amusing choice.

I started with simple questions about his art, like "do you have anything that I can see?" to which the answer was, no.

Well, that's no good. If I can't see his work for myself, can I take his word for how good his art is? (Of course not. It is always a bit too convenient to brag about your great art, or whatever it may be, and not have to have any evidence to support it, eh? Speaking of, take a look at my giant crotch... sans evidence of course).

Then I asked him if he had ever done any commercial art, and he began a short diatribe of how he doesn't like to do that, see, "'cause then it's not art."

Ah yes, what is art indeed. It's actually a wonderful topic, and I have my own thoughts on this (as per usual), but not now. This blog is fucking long.

I will say this though. That whole, "anything commercial is not art"? That was me. Not more then five years ago. I said those same words. And it's still a complicated set of opinions for me.

I was now talking art with my younger, less experienced, more immature self.

It was right about here where he began talking about what makes art good, and where good art comes from.

"I did a lot of drugs back in the day. LSD, heroin, you name it. All those other guys who didn't do any drugs, that's fake art. My art comes from what I see, from my heart."

Unlike all of those other artists whose art comes from Milwaukee.

At this point my heart (mind) sank as my hopes for a grounded, interesting intellectual conversation had been trampled on and squashed (make note of that as it will come up later... plus it's funny). I could see where this guy was going now. I knew it all too well, and to quote Mr. Horse, "No sir, I don't like it."

I've had my fair share of conversations with Artists (yes, that's with a capital "A"). Most of the ones that come out and pronounce themselves as artistic people right off the bat are those that usually just like to mention that they see the world in a strange/different/interesting way, and talk about how unique they are in regards to their perspectives on things.

What really gets me upset about this type of person, is how depressingly similar they are to the person I was years ago. It's almost like I want to physically reach out, grab them, and shake them out of their silly "I'm so cool because I'm an artist" mentality, as if I were shaking those very same ideas out of my older (younger) self.

So what do I say? What do I do? When I see that the option for legitimate rational dialogue has run dry, my only recourse is to find something funny and entertaining in the situation.

So I did.

From that point on I had the mindset of trying to keep him talking for my personal amusement. I'm kind of a secret asshole sometimes. (Secret?).

But I digress, we were discussing drugs. Tell me more!

"When you do LSD and look at the world, you see the truth for what it really is. When you look at that flower you see just the flower, but on LSD, man, you see it as beauty and as connected to everything. It's all connected."

*sigh*

Again, it's so frustrating because I really wanted some good, "deep" conversations. But I have to admit reading it back now, it's really fucking hilarious to me.

Now back to his comment.

So if being on LSD gives you the truth, what does sober reality give you? Lies? Doesn't LSD actually create a false, dream-like reality in the brain where it has difficulty discerning between what is real and what is only in the mind? How is that more real and truthful? No one else can see what you are seeing, and you can't confirm that evidence with an outside, non-biased source. I guess actual reality is not the way to tell what is what.

Write that down.

And by the way, everything is connected, regardless of what drug you are on. I'll prove it, go do a line of coke right now.

Sorry. Continue, Guy-Who-I'm-Now-Fucking-With.

"I look at the world in a different way, when I look at the world I see beauty and truth."

Bam. There it is. I was waiting for that one. And he said it like it was right out of The Oxford Book Of Artist's Cliches.

You know, if he were more sober, and would have actually remembered anything I may have contributed to the conversation, this would have been a good point to ask him to clarify "beauty and truth". Yes, they are poetic and often just a metaphor, but I really think that he was just saying those words to say them. He is, after all, an artist, and those are the kinds of things artists are supposed to say. But does it have any real meaning? Can he define beauty? Truth?

I probably can't. But I'm not the one making the statements.

After a few other observations, he opened up his fictitious book of Indiviualistic-Triteness to chapter two. I was no longer upset or frustrated by his observations, I found them now quite hilarious.

"I don't conform. I'm never going to conform. The world moves this way..."

*He makes a forward spinning motion with his left hand*

"...and sometimes I move with it."

*Both hands do the forward spinning motion*

"But sometimes I go against it..."

*He makes a backward circular motion with his right hand*

Ha ha ha ha... oh man. Damn you are unique! I can tell by the gestures!

What does that even mean, people? It seems to me that he's just really trying to hammer home the fact that he sees himself as a really unique, against-the-grain, non-conformist, to try and impress the fellow "artist". Does that sound about right?

What I found fascinating, and see if you agree with me, was how he sounded more and more like a high school punk or goth kid, whose most important goal in life was to not conform, and thereby, ironically, conforming to a sort of counter-culture in the process. (Yes, sadly, I also used to wax on about the "conformists" in my teen years. Embarrassing to admit). He is that very kid who never grew up.

So now I'm being talked at by a drunk pseudo-artist with the existential and philosophical perspective of an insecure high-school outcast. Oh goody gum drops!

Do you, by chance sir, have some more metaphors dealing with your implied uniqueness?

"When flowers grow and open up," *He cups his hands like a flower* "some don't open, and some open in a different way. I'm like that flower that doesn't grow the same way as the rest of them."

Though I was trying to stay in playful spirits, and secretly poke fun at him, the more he droned on about this, the more it started making me a bit depressed.

Why?

Well, just to go with the empathy card for a second (only a second, I promise), I really started to feel sorry for him. Here he was proving, without a doubt, that he just wanted me to accept him, to think he was really interesting by spouting typical generic "I'm an artist" rhetoric at me, and all I was doing was being condescending and disingenuous, internally mocking his every phrase, idea, and gesture as I stood silently nodding and smiling.

So far, I had contributed absolutely nothing to the one-way conversation, as most of my energy went to coming up with mental one-liners.

To keep things interesting, I decided to play a bit of devil's advocate to his over-indulgence of by-the-book arty-ness and asked him, "So from an evolutionary point of view, being the non-conformist and the strange interesting one - the flower in your scenario that can't open, or grows in a different way - would that odd flower be the one to survive and carry on its genes?"

He thought for a beat, "no, it wouldn't."

OH YEAH! ZING! BURN!! (I said to myself)

He smiled at me, thinking. Then he added, "it's the one that gets trampled, and stepped on." (told you that line would come back).

So Mr. Bond, it's on to the martyrdom of true artistry? Oh the tragedy of the struggling artist! Oh the plight that besets all true beholders and prevailers of beauty and truth!

Yes, there is something to the idea that the genuinely unique ones can be caught in the rip-tide of mediocrity, but I was not in the mood to let him turn around my secret zing and use it as ammo for his unique non-conformist artist-poet mentality.

****************

Tune in next week for the stunning conclusion, where I face a new, much drunker challenge, filled with wacky observations and edge-of-your-seat thrills!

Continued in part 2...




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Tags: art artist cliche philosophy psychology party conform society self perception beauty truth sarcsam humor funny


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DeprecationWear Store Grand Opening!

Hey everybody (all 12 of you). I'm excited to bring to you the grand opening of the DeprecationWear online merchandise store!

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

So far, it's a collection of T-shirts and other merchandise with sarcastic, self-deprecating, and elitist sayings and phrases, most of them taken right out of this jolly 'ol blog you follow right here.

They are things that I personally would like to wear, hence I make them, therefore you can* [*see: required by law and forced against your will to] wear them too.

WHY SHOULD I CARE?

Well, aren't we all self-important eh? You should care because by wearing these shirts, everyone will finally know what a pretentious, sarcastic, self-mocking ass you are... without ever having to talk to you to find that out!!

In fact, I'm surprised you've made it this far without a collection of T-shirts that proclaim your ridiculously low self-esteem from the roof tops! (Or from dark, damp alleys where you huddle in tears).

FEEDBACK

Have a dick-ish phrase or line that you like from one of my previous blogs? Want to wear that stupid line on a shirt? Let me know in the comments what I'm missing and if it's good, it just may become a mobile sweat-soaking, billboard of a body covering.

I aim to leave no self-loathing and ironic stone unturned!

I have about 9 different options up at the moment, with plenty more gems in the works. I'll post announcements on here any time I make a new hilarious or depressing piece of clothing.

RECOMMENDED!!

By the way, may I recommend the most bad-ass coffee mug ever? Nothing says 'good morning' like a mug that reminds you of life's inherent awfulness by asking you if it's "Too early for suicide?"

Check HERE to see my wares!



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Tags: t-shirt merchandise clothing deprecation sarcastic sarcasm funny humor

A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!

A while back, while at my place of work, I was given an amazing solution for the things that are wrong in my life. I was at the front of the restaurant talking either at, or near another female employee (does the difference really matter?), going on some inevitable rant about how happy, I mean, pissed off I am about this or that.

Upon my "conclusion" (this is actually impossible as I can keep talking about how much things suck until the universe disintegrates), she gave me this profound, yet simple advice, as a cure to what was bothering me.

Ready? Behold:

"You should be in a relationship."

Hmmmm.....I should? But wouldn't that just be a.......wait......Yeah! I should! Genius! Being in a relationship (in general) will indeed make everything better, especially the specific topics I was expounding about earlier! Why did I not think of this before?!

Anything else?

"You would be happier if you were in a relationship."

You know what? Good point. I would!

....... Or maybe you have no fucking idea what you are talking about? Hmmm? Can you at least concede the possibility?

I'm going with option B on this one. Very option B.

MY THEORY, WHICH IS MINE

So what's this whole thing about then? Huh?

Well there Guy McDudington, (or is it Miss Guy McDudington?), this is about our social obsession with being in relationships.

"Wha huh?"

Good question. But to be fair I made you say that since I'm the one typing. (Oh the control!)

Yes, we are obsessed with relationships. We know (because I told you in another blog, remember?) that we all have a strong biological urge to procreate, just like any other animal. But what makes us so different is our conscious desire for love and partnership, outside of the confines of just raising offspring. We want it because we want it.

ONE IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE NUMBER

A relationship of some sort seems to be the goal of almost every one of us.

What is it about being single that so bothers us?

"Nuh uh, man. I'm single and lovin' it! Woooooo!!!!"

Are you? ARE YOU?? Hey, if you are, awesome. Seriously. I've noticed that most people may say something like that, but in reality, they are doing everything they can to rid themselves of the tarnished, leper-like social status that comes with being only yourself.

You could liken being single to having an illness or medical emergency that you need to get treated as fast as possible. Sometimes you are simply waiting for your health insurance to kick in, and sometimes you just use a coat hanger. But almost everyone gets this horrible, detestable thing remedied. *High five*

Being a single person is not really being a single person. It's truly rare to come across a single male or female who is not also actively searching, or at least looking for someone to be with, be it temporarily, or long term. We may not always say it, but it's always on our minds.

Personally, I can go back and forth with the whole single concept. Sometimes I feel most comfortable and content in my extreme isolation and aloneness (since I'm really damn familiar with it), and other times, I'm compelled by the same silly forces that move us all to find someone to share things with. Damn dichotomies!

TELL ME WHY

Back to the example of the idiot girl at work. Okay, okay, sorry about that. That came off as a bit dickish. But really, if you got to know that girl, you'd see what I mean. I've never worked with anyone who has ever irritated me so much by doing so little. Fingernails on a chalkboard. (UPDATE: I just started training a new person who is just as irritating. Hurray for me).

When she gave me her all-inclusive answer to my problems in life, a relationship in general, I raised my eyebrow (I'm good at it), and asked her why that would solve anything.

"You wouldn't be so pessimistic all the time"

Oh really? Just like that, huh? Bullshit. This is my personality. If you think that having a relationship in general is going to magically change my outlook on life in one fell swoop, you are sorely mistaken and don't fully understand the nature of the mind and persona. (I know that you have a degree in cognitive behavioral science, so I'm surprised).

Yes I do agree that there could be (depending upon the specific nature of that person and relationship) some improvement in particular parts of my daily life. I could even concede that I might enjoy two, maybe three more things about existence. (Well, two is more realistic). But it does not suddenly come in, kamikazi style, and change everything about everything. This is not how life works little missy.

There are moments with the right personality compatibiliy that things can be really fun, exciting, great etc. That does not mean that everything else in my life is that way, or should be. It's like comparing the fact that even though I have a health issue that needs corrective surgery (which constantly worries me), I now feel fine because last week's episode of The Office was good. It just doesn't apply to everything.

Also, if you think that lack of a relationship in general is to blame for me being frustrated and upset with day to day trivialities, then again you don't know anything about me, or relationships. (Option B for the win!!)

THE GENERAL!

Quickly, I also found it humorous how generic her prescription was for me.

It wasn't a great relationship, it wasn't a really exciting, passionate relationship, it wasn't the special bond that a man can form with a Galapagos sea turtle.

Oh no.

Just any relationship at all would do me well. The most run-of-the-mill, blasè, pointless relationship would really do me wonders. I see no way in which that idea is retarded. (Except for the obvious).

THE CRUTCH

Being that extreme fear of aloneness is so prevalent with us, I've noticed how much relationships can become a personal crutch for many people (especially you).

My last girlfriend, for instance, had told me many a story about how she left one long term relationship, immediately for another, several times in a row. In fact when I started dating her, she had just broken up, after an emotional six-year relationship, to a moody, thirty-something-child, then tried a quick stint with the boyfriend she was with before him, (which did not cut the mustard... yet again...still. Lessons anyone?). This left her all of a few hours to be fully "single" before she and I began flirting and getting more serious.

I really hate that it seems this way, but most of the women I've known (and some guys too, settle down) have had a similar life path in regards to relationships (yes, again, not all. But most). It's like they are a broke college student, backpacking through Europe, sleeping at youth hostels, and couch-squatting anywhere they can, just to have a roof over their heads. But instead of getting shelter from the cold, or the rain, they are sheltering themselves from their own fear of loneliness, and the opportunity to critically analyze and know themselves.

Continually going from relationship to relationship, in my estimation and experience, leaves little time for personal reflection and growth. In fact, I would go as far as to say that many people only know themselves as a component of another person, instead of the full person they are (or could be) on their own.

YOU COMPLETE ME

Another reason for our almost global obsession with being constantly in a relationship, is an idea that has been drummed into us from an arts and culture front.

Books, plays, movies, music, all talking about how useless and pathetic someone is unless they have another person in their lives. Not only are they useless and pathetic sans other person, they are apparently only half a person.

I'm sure you heard these expressions:

"Incomplete, a yin without a yang, the toast to my jam, the vomiting after a tequila binge."

Such phrases are quite frustrating, as they really go a long way to discourage confidence in independence (and the movie Independence Day).

So, are you half a person? Because if you are you come with a cup of soup.

...Which you don't. (Wait, do you? Mmmmm....soup).

It's all in the mind. If you believe you are forever half a person, without another half-person in your life, then you will be forever half a person.

Last time I checked, one person plus one person was two people, not one.

Enjoy that soup.

JACKIE CHAN IN, WHO AM I?

As I mentioned about my ex-girlfriend, who was a bit of a long-term relationship monger, it was my assessment, after the fact, that she did not have a good, true sense of who she really was anymore. (And before you start yelling at me, I've got a long way to go as well, freely admitted). It had been years since she was last truly alone, and I'm sure, like most people, she had a lot of big events occur in that time period. The kind of events that help to shape us and change us. So who is she now? I don't think she could tell you.

I believe that people who can't find a way to feel good about themselves on their own, have to find it in others, which can spawn attachment issues and co-dependency. If there was anything close to a real life panacea, it would almost certainly have to come from within, from the self, from you (or that temporary relationship you're in now). Others can only fill that void you've neglected to fill with your own ideas, discoveries, truth, creativity etc.

A relationship in general is not a panacea. Nothing is. Nor is just any old relationship always a good thing, in fact, as I've seen many a time, it can be quite a lot more negative than being alone. Drama, depression, jealousy, frustrations, fights, anger, resentment and other such things you would not want to order à la carte, were you dining for one.

THE REAL PRESCRIPTION

The best choice (in my mind, which makes it thereby true) is to learn to become the most developed version of you that you can be. To really start to know yourself is a much more challenging, frightening, yet potentially rewarding venture in the long run.

Now that does not mean avoid people, and never have a relationship (like I do), as they can teach you vast tomes (yes, I said vast tomes, leave me alone) about who you are, how you act, what you want, and what to change about yourself. It's just about where you place the emphasis. Is the focus on you and your (selfish, in a good way) life and aspirations? Or is it about the quick emotional fix, and/or avoiding being alone?

Be choosy, be particular, and don't be afraid of being by yourself for a while. Easier said than done, I know. If you want to feel better about yourself and your life, do something that directly affects you and your (personal) life. Go to school, start a new career path, learn an instrument, study history, travel abroad, or better yet, write a bunch of blogs that hardly anyone reads. Yeah that will solve everything!



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Tags: love relationships date dating alone lonely loneliness single society social psychology cure all panacea

I Resent Your Happiness

It's strange sometimes, the stuff I dredge up out of my own self observations. In the last year I've thought  more intensely and significantly about myself, and existence in general, then at any point in my previous years.

One of many observations I've come to is that, apparently, I really don't seem to like happiness, or happy people. In what I could only consider some form of self sabotage, I seem to resent, dislike, and think lowly of very happy people.

What kind of a way is this to go through life? To chastise those who act joyful and positive, and seek out experiences where I continue to dwell in the Pit Of Despair?

THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

Have I really become this bitter, this unpleasant? I can recall that when I first made the observation that I did indeed resent other's happiness, it was accompanied with a sort of "oh, how Niko" sort of feeling. It was interesting, odd, and above all, one of those almost traditional perspectives of the caricature I've become as of late.

"Of course I hate people who are happy. Its cool, hip, chic, in a kind of rebellious anti-hero sort of way. Everyone loves Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club right?"

But now it just feels plain sad. Really, honestly sad. When did I become such a overly bitter, spiteful, and vitriolic person? Sure, I've never been the optimist, that's true, and I sure have had my share of moodiness, and negativity, but this? Hating anyone who seems happy, or content? It's the sign of a truly broken person, my friends.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM

I think I can realize that something is not quite right when the sight of happiness no longer just makes me angry, it begins to disgust me. I'm being serious here, and not just for dramatic effect.

The sight or sound of people being all sorts of stupid-happy has begun to disgust me to the core. Young couples kissing and being affectionate disgusts me; A group of really close friends hugging and smiling after meeting up at a restaurant disgusts me; Families that span generations, grandparents, parents, young kids, all being together for a family dinner disgusts me; Newlyweds with their infants in tow, starting a brand new life together, wait for it..........disgusts me.

Just on the way into my apartment to begin writing this blog, I encountered a group of my fellow housemates sitting on the porch. One housemate's sister is staying out here for the summer, and wouldn't you know it, her boyfriend has come out to visit her too! How sweet. I hope I get to see them all cuddled up on the porch. . . NOOOO!! That was sarcasm!! SARCASM!!! Yes, seeing that little, pleasant nicety of the two young lovers being together on the porch, just so happy to each other again enraged me.  I tried not to look as I rolled my eyes and scoffed to myself up the stairs to my apartment.

Moral: I'm fun to be around!

THE GREENER GRASS

I can remember two events, one general, one specific, in which I know that I was this strange, so-called, "happy".

The general being my pre-puberty years. I can recall, fairly well, my almost optimistic viewpoint of the world around me, the sky was always such a striking blue, the grass so soft and cool on my feet, and all possibilities were endless, and achievable.

Sure there were times when I was made fun of at elementary school, or I got into trouble with my parents for doing something childish, but for the most part, at least in my mind and emotion, I was fairly positive about life. More often then not, I was in good spirits, and enjoyed most of what life offered me. At least that's how I remember it, but it's possible my parents may have a different perspective.

As soon as my psyche began to develop in a more serious way, during that dramatic change into adulthood, my emotions took a much stronger role in my life (as they do), shaping my eventual pessimism, bitterness, and semi-founded social-outcast elitist bullshit. (I should put that on a dating profile, girls love that kind of stuff).

The other, more specific event in which I experienced the other side of the crushing dead-weight of life, was during the beginning of my last relationship. As I've already gone into too much depth about, I used to, even years ago, be irritated by really passionate couples, who would constantly touch, and hug, and kiss, and stare at each other ad nauseam.

But wouldn't you know it, I found myself on the other side of the table for one sweet moment in time, and I loved every second of it. Yes, me. She and I would sit at the bar, just staring into each other's eyes, smiling uncontrollably and giggling like children for 15 to 20 minutes at a time. And yes, there was plenty of kissing and sexually-based shenanigans as well. We were, for a time, the poster couple for the most sickeningly sugary displays of public affection that that circle of people had ever known. We got to disgust a few close friends of hers in particular, with just how cutesy and cuddly we were. It was great.

I really do miss that moment in time, as hypocritical as it is.

REASONS AGAINST HAPPINESS

Could there be any legitimate reasons against happiness? Well, you are reading the King Of Deprecation are you not?

To go more in detail from a notion from a previous blog, "72 Degrees in the head, All the time", people who are overly happy, as I see it, are either denying reality, or have not experienced life enough. It always feels like something is just off, when everything is so great, positive and rose-colored.

In actuality, life is challenging, life is cruel, life is difficult, and to ignore all its sludge, is to live in a purposeful delusion, a semi-waking life, a half reality. Sure there are some great things to experience here, while you are conscious, but it's not without its struggle and strife.

I do have another big reason that I downgrade happy people, for less-purely-arbitrary, emotionally-based reactionary reasons. I do, quite clearly, see a strong connection between a strong sense of self-awareness, and a decent amount of pain.

More in depth, I see correlation between people with strong, well-defined, interesting personalities, and, yes again, pain. I've noticed, that people who have experienced, and dealt with a lot of life pain, usually are the much more stand-out humans, those with greater wisdom, wit, humor and passion. Needles to say I like these people, even if I don't encounter them often enough.

Overall, I like happiness for grounded, earned reasons. Not just being happy for the sake of being happy.

THE CORE OF IT ALL

When it all comes down to it, why, would you say, that such displays of happiness would affect me so profoundly, and bother me so thoroughly?

I'm sure it's obvious, and it's something I freely acknowledge.

I'm jealous.

I see something that I want, something others have (perhaps), and I don't. I've tasted it before, and now I know the difference. I want to feel what they feel.

What scares me, well, also frustrates and depresses me (great combo), is the idea that maybe I'm just like that. Maybe I'll never feel the way that they feel. Or, more accurately, the way I assume these people feel. Maybe I am incapable of being happy and content. Literally incapable.

On second thought, I have had those few moments in my past to prove that statement wrong. But still, with those moments so few and far between for me, it sure feels like I'll never come across them again.

Even after knowing that most of what I feel is based on jealousy and my own inability to appreciate anything, it doesn't deter me from hating the idea that someone may be reading this blog with their significant other, happy as can be, unable to relate to bleakness and disgust with which I view the world, further setting me apart from the happiness status quo.

Have I mentioned that I'm fun to be around?


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Tags: emotion happy happiness hate disgust jealousy psychology philosophy

In Defense Of Selfishness

I generally have a tendency to take traditionally positive words, phrases and ideas and try to show how they can have a negative connotation, usually something just under the surface. Freely admitted, I get my 'exclusivity kick' from feeling like I am only one of the few who sees certain concepts and words in a different light.

Well, instead of taking something nice and wiping my ass with it (in a fun, sarcastic, and mentally stimulating way), I'm going to do the opposite. It's time for me to redeem a fundamental concept that has gotten sullied in its common usage, and give it a successful rebranding campaign. (Just like how insurance genius' AIG rebranded themselves as the new, totally different AIU!! Wow, now I totally trust them with my money again! HERE!!! HAVE IT!!!!!).

As per the title of the blog, you know I'm referring to the concept of selfishness.

SLANDERED IN BUTTER

How often have you heard the following, as used in a derogatory tone of voice?

"Oh, [insert name here]. She's so selfish!"

Or. . .

"All he does is think about himself. I hate selfish people."

You've heard it countless times right? I'm sure you've even said something similar yourself, haven't you? C'mon, I know you have. I'll bet you just hate it when people just think about themselves all the time, eh? The selfish bastards! Let's get 'em!! (. . . a pony).

Yes, selfishness. "Ol' Slandery" they call it. Can you recall a time (be specific to the minute) that you've heard the word selfish not used as an insult or an negative quality? Hurry up, time is money (not to mention fleeting, and "a' changin' ").

You can't do it can you?

You can't do it because most of us have taken the word in its social pejorative meaning for granted, most likely putting it in league with terms like "Childish" (as opposed to child like) and Fecal Raper (of which the origin is surprisingly quaint and demure).

With this common view of the apparent awfulness of selfishness, and therefore the quality of thinking about one's self first and foremost, how could I possibly redeem such a concept?

Nevermind, I don't feel like it anymore. Goodnight. End of Blog.

HUMAN NATURE. NOW WITH LESS TRANS FATS!

Let's make this as easy as possible. Probably because it is. (How was that for condescension?)

Selfishness is. . . .*drumroll*. . . human nature.

It is at the very core of who you are, embedded at the most primitive sectors of our brains. Does that alone justify it? Fuckin' A!! No. Just because something is part of you does not make it good or bad. Selfishness, at its heart, is simply the act of putting yourself as first priority. Basically, it is the basis of our own survival, the ability to look out for one's self, and ensure one's own lineage. Without the ability of being selfish, we would not be here today, as we would have all died off thousands upon thousands of years ago, continuously and irritatingly asking everyone else around them how they are feeling, and if they are sure they are okay, while being slowly devoured by a pack of angry, frothing timber wolves.

It's absolutely natural, right on par with consuming oxygen, and when exercised within reason, is perfectly acceptable and normal. Not everyone will agree mind you, but I do, and I'm the one writing this essay, hence I matter more.

Understanding the inherent concept of selfishness as a natural, neither good nor bad mechanism, is essential if you're the kind of person who enjoys not feeling guilty about things that are built deep into your perception, behavior, and priorities. "Oh shit I'm breathing again! I'm going to chastise myself as I drown my guilt in a gallon of Ben & Jerry's! Oh shit, now I'm eating too!!"

ONE SIMPLE QUESTION

So we've talked about selfishness being an evolutionary survival mechanism, which is all hunky dory, but that's only the natural history of why selfishness can be redeemed in the modern understanding. Let's get some more personal, nay, selfish reasons.

One obvious, and rhetorical question I find my self asking people quite often, when on one of my mutli-hour tirades about selfishness, is the following:

"Who is the only person that you are your entire life?"

On the surface it seems like a silly question to ask. The answer is face-palmingly redundant, yet it begins to make my point.

All you can, and will ever be for all of your existence is yourself. Do you agree? Then does it not make sense to do things that benefit the self? To put yourself (remember that means you) first? How is that bad again?

THE PEACE CORPS

This has to be one of my favorite examples of the concept of selfishness in action.

I overheard a conversation between my sister and her friend as they sat smoking cigarettes on the deck one starry evening.

Quoth the friend:

"My roommate tried to tell me that what I want to do is selfish. I was like, 'no way', cause I want to go into the peace corps, so I can help people all over the world. How is that selfish?"

Oh little one, how naive and unaware you are. But how ripe you are with self-perception gold!

Our first indicator that her interests are selfish is in her language. Specifically the use of the word "I". "I want to do this. . .", "I want to help so and so". It comes down to what she wants for herself, less so what the effect of her actions on others will be. Language is a wonderful giveaway to our desires, even if we, ourselves, are unaware of what we truly want and why.

Let me give you a scenario. Now give me one. Good, I enjoyed our little exchange. Now let's get back to mine for a second since it is better than yours. Agreed?

Pretend that the entirely non-selfish thing that you like to do is give money to homeless people. You feel that you are helping out those in need, doing your part for a better world etc. That can't possibly be selfish can it?

Well now let's pretend that every time you give any money to someone in need, as in the homeless, you were instantly overcome with paralyzing pain throughout your entire body. Would you still continue to be so charitable?

ALTRUISM

"But what about altruism? What about people performing selfless acts?"

Well, Fictitious Amalgam For Reactionary Purposes, after what I've said so far, you still feel that the concept of altruism makes a lot of sense in the practical world? Are you waiting patiently inside an easily-burstable bubble? Well then. . .

No, altruism is simply another word in the dictionary that adheres to our wants and emotional desires like love or dingleberry. Boy, it sure would be nice if people were completely selfless, right? Nice? Ridiculous.

Selflessness, and therefore altruism are entirely unnatural concepts, and more importantly, literally impossible. It is counter to human nature to be able to not include yourself, or your personal well being into your thoughts about others. All that we do is follow our selfish base desires which stem from our irrational emotions (see: The Feel Good Fix). Yes folks, everything and anything we think, do or say is only done because of how it will make us feel, selfishly.

YOU'RE STILL SELFISH!

To say that selfishness is always fine and good would be a gross reverse generalization on my part (which you probably expect from me by now). However, to be fair (me?), it can indeed cross a line where it goes back to the standby version you all know and love. When someone's selfish behavior directly causes someone else harm, it can indeed be negative (unless the harm caused is extremely humorous, then it's justified).

Realizing that everything you do is inherently selfish may make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy at first (like the way I feel most of the time), which is to be expected, as we have to unlearn the prevailing ideas regarding selfishness as an entirely negative concept. But over time, I think it may actually benefit you to know that looking out for yourself does not actually make you a dick. The fact that you are a rude, inconsiderate, pretentious moron makes you a dick. Dick.



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Tags: selfish selfishness selfless altruism altruist sarcasm human nature redeeming philosphoshy psychology awareness humor