Quick Takes: Stupid People

I bumped into an old acquaintance, and began, against my will, a dull small-talk conversation.

This situation was bad for two reasons:
1) I'm irritated by small-talk
2) I thought this girl was an idiot

Regardless of my feelings for this person (or lack thereof) I played nice, and kept up the conversation. But for my own amusement, I tried to see what interesting psychological observations I could pull out from her.

As we awkwardly chatted about what we've been up to, the topic steered into her work, and her frustrations of dealing with her co-workers:

"It's just like everybody else just doesn't get it, you know? I have all these ideas, but no one else can understand them. It's just so irritating!"

I feigned understanding, and nodded as if in agreement. She continued.

"I just hate working with stupid people, you know?"

I stared at her for a moment with my eyes wide and one eyebrow raised, before I caught myself and returned to a look of understanding (while holding back a laugh).

Did she really say she hates stupid people?

Is she aware that she, in my opinion, is an idiot?

Which got me thinking.

I bet everyone, if asked, would say they hate stupid people. Even those that you and I would find impossibly stupid, would say they hate stupid people. No matter how stupid you may appear to be to others, there are always those that are stupider than that. And even THOSE people hate stupid people!

What a funny example of our flawed self-perceptions. We generally like to think of ourselves as smart, or deep, or interesting, but are we?

If this little fictitious hierarchy of the ever-stupider has any merit, then to someone, somewhere, you, yourself, are a complete idiot too.

Yes, think about that. Regardless of your personal convictions, to someone, you are a fucking moron.

I guess we're all stupid then, or no one is.

Idiot.

The Link Between Sports And Religion

*****

First time reading The King Of Deprecation? You might also want to check out the 10 "best" essays of 2009 to get your feet/genitals wet.

*****

Sometimes inspiration for an observation about how we think and believe, comes from seemingly trivial sources. In this case, Facebook.

A fun, and unexpected series of connect the dots led me to answer the following question:

"What could possibly be similar between sports and religion?"

You'll have to read on to find out...

SPORTS

Quickly glancing through Facebook posts during any sports season, I see a million pro-Broncos posts (yes, very good, I'm in Denver) and many other anti-Raiders and Vikings (fill in the rest) posts, or, depending on the time of year, pro Rockies, Nuggets and Avalanche.

"We're going to kick [rival team's] ass!!"

"I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate [random rival team]!!!"

The same is expressed in person.

...Well not TO me, but around me.

I see and overhear, quite often, people getting very worked up about their team, while talking negatively about "hating" a rival team, and wanting terrible violent things to happen to them. (very sportsman like).

Most everyone knows I don't give a shit about sports by now. But what does interest me, is why people are drawn to the team they like. (It's the colors right? Hey! Now I get why people like sports so much! Look at those awesome colors go!!!)

What became quite obvious, was the fact that most of the time, people do not actually choose the team they want to like. It is already chosen for them.

"Huh?"

Seriously. Did they spend days and weeks, combing through player stats, backgrounds, personalities, watching highlight reels (or reading Highlights magazine), and deducing which team really was the best, BEFORE choosing to cheer for that team?

Is there really a best team?

Well, one team will win the super bowl each year, but over time that team will change.

People seem to be unaware of the idea that they have not consciously chosen the team they become so passionate about, even when they cover their walls in Fathead posters of groin-bulging players and carnivore-logo'ed helmets (carnivores, you know, because they are aggressive predators, which makes them, you know, cool. I'd like to make a new team someday, with the logo being a smiling non-threatening grandmother next to a few blades of grass with motion lines. INTENSE!!!).

Sorry. Digression.

With so much passion and interest rooting for your team, it may come as a surprise that liking that team was not a choice at all. In fact, it may be completely subconscious and, in a sort of orwellian-sounding-way, programmed into you.

"WHO IS YOUR DADDY, AND WHAT DOES HE DO?"

As I thought about people's excitement for particular teams and passionate "hatred" of other teams, not being a fan of any of them, it seemed rather odd. And silly. (Mostly that).

Again, was one team objectively more "hatable" than another?

Some teams do not play as well as others, sure, but over time that can, and often does turn around with the addition of new teammates and coaches.

So why one team over another?

How do we "choose"?

I smiled when I saw the correlation between how one is raised, and what one tended to think, feel, and want.

Our upbringing plays a hugely significant role in shaping us as individuals.

In fact, a lot of what can make a romantic relationship work between two people can be a similarity in the way they were both raised, cared for, and encouraged as children. (Interesting eh?)

So, if your parents were big Broncos fans, what is the likelihood that you will become a Broncos fan?

Fairly high, my friend.

Such is the power of influence, especially at an early age.

Everything your parents do, say and think is right. They know everything.

If they tell you that "the president is an idiot," well, not knowing anything about politics, and not knowing how to research facts on your own to come up with a unique opinion, you might take your parent's statement to grade school, and tell all of the children that, "the president is an idiot!" with strong conviction.

Do you know why?

No.

But it does not matter to you.

After all, your parents told you that, and your parents do not lie.

DAD: "The Redwings suck! GO AVALANCHE!!!"

... SEVERAL YEARS LATER...

CHILD: My opinion, which I came to on my own, is that the Redwings suck. That's my PERSONAL opinion.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Obviously, people can make up their own minds about things, and do all the time.

As I paced around my room thinking about the influences that bring us to like one team over another, I thought it kind of funny that one of the main factors that likely influences your choice of team is simply location.

More than likely, you cheer for the team that represents your region, state, city, or college.

Though it is usually emblazened on the uniform of whatever team is playing, we have a tendency to ignore the significance of the location of the team, as being one of the primary factors in what gets us to feel part of something.

Seeing people post online about "GO THIS TEAM!!" and "THAT TEAM SUCKS!!!", I began thinking how different things would be for those same individuals if they had just been born in a different place.

If they are a Denver Broncos fan now, one would assume they live in Denver, or at least somewhere in Colorado. But what would happen if they'd simply been born, and then lived in another state, perhaps, I don't know, say, Wisconsin.

Would they still be a Broncos fan?

Probably not. There would be no reason to be. It would be like rooting for the enemy, for the outsiders. And one thing we don't do is root for is the suspicious, thieving, filthy, evil outsider.

They would be a cheesehead, a Packers fan.

Simply by changing where one is born and where one lives, changes very strong opinions about their personal passions.

We'd all like to think that we make a conscious decision to like what we like because it is the best choice. Unfortunately, we are much more subconsciously malleable than that (by the way, that means shapable, like clay. You're welcome).

All that passion and hatred for another rival team would probably be completely different if your parents had liked another team, and if you'd been born in another place.

So much for objectivity in what we feel and think, eh?

Location. Crazy.

Things suddenly don't seem so clear cut anymore.

WHERE IN THE WORLD....?

Take that same principle about location within a geographical area affecting your personal "choice" of teams, and let's move it onto the world stage.

Now let's imagine that hypothetical person who could easily switch their deeply-ingrained passion for the Broncos, just because of being born in another state, and move them to another country. (All expenses paid!)

No... being born there.

Now a big part of that person's former identity as a football fan, would now be morphed into their identity as a... football fan... but actual, literal football this time. Or for us Americans, Soccer. (Or for those in the deep south "Gay Foot").

American football is pretty much isolated to, you guessed it, America.

However European football is a phenomenon all across the world. (Which why I should not call it European. Whoops! Too late).

By being born overseas, the Bronco fan in another life could now be a Manchester United fan, with all the same passions, feeling of "choice", and hatred for rival teams they possessed before.

The more something stupidly-simple like location is examined as an influence in who we are, what we think, what we care about, and how we behave, the more I come to question how much of myself has been intentional.

And that starts to upset me.

How much of how I see myself, my values, my morals, my interests, my humor, and more are simply products of where I live, and how I was raised? Two things I have no control over.

Humbling stuff.

And then, as I sat down for my morning porcelain meditation, thinking about how sports fervor was entirely subjective and based upon upbringing and location, it struck me...

This sounds very familiar.

What else does this sound like?

Ah, yes. Of course.

RELIGION

Several of my more religious friends, along with countless religious people on Youtube, will often post that Jesus Christ, and The Holy Bible is the only way to truth.

That Jehovah/Yahweh/Jesus' Dad is the one true God.

They will put up quotes and defenses, and passionately proclaim their love of their faith.

At one point in my life, I would have wanted to post offensive, yet humorous replies to them, just because I'm that needy for attention (I did some of that in high school). Now, I'm more interested in the influences that bring us to believe one thing over another thing.

Is it stronger evidence for one belief over another belief?

Is it that one faith makes more logical sense than another?

Is one simply objectively true, while all the others are false?

And if so, how would we know?

"WHO IS YOUR DADDY, AND WHAT DOES HE DO?"

Hmmm... Deja vu...

As I thought about people's enthusiasm for their particular faith, and passionate "hatred" or "villianization" of other faiths, not being a believer of any of them, it seemed rather odd. And silly (even more so this time).

Again, was one belief objectively more "hatable" or demonstrably wrong than another?

Some beliefs are not as popular as others, sure, but over time that can, and often does turn around with the addition of new religious leaders, time and influence.

So why one faith over another?

How do we "choose"?

I smiled again when I saw the correlation between how one is raised, and what one tended to think, feel, and want. It worked here too!

Very interesting...

As I said, our upbringing plays a hugely significant role in shaping us as individuals.

Especially when we are young, our parents are infallible. They know everything, and never lie.

If your parents attend a Lutheran church, and bring you along every week, odds are you will probably be a Lutheran. (No, not always, of course).

One telling thing I noticed from browsing online dating sites, is that many women say a similar thing when given the opportunity to say something about their religion. (Sorry, I did not check the guy's profiles, but it's probably similar).

"I was raised Lutherian"

Or

"I was brought up Catholic"

Not "I AM" this or that.

I was "RAISED" this or that.

Notice that the question they were answering was not, "What belief were you RAISED with?"

A subconscious giveaway, I think. (I love that stuff).

Most people do not choose what they believe (at least at the beginning), but I have to acknowledge, out of fairness, that many do (usually much later in life).

Not every Lutheran family will spawn Lutheran children, just as not every Broncos-rooting family will spawn Broncos fans. When people get out into the big bad world for themselves they have an opportunity to consider new points of view, new beliefs, and new ideas.

Some will change their mind, many will not.

But looking at the number one answer for why most people believe what they do, "My parents are Catholic," it seems to me that that response seems to justify it for us.

Why do you believe this?

"Because she does."

Why does she believe it?

"Because they do."

Well, that's good enough for me! Where do I sign?

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Say, these headlines look awfully familiar...

Location plays a huge roll in determining what faith, belief, or religion you will adopt for yourself.

Though it may seem depressing to chock up such an important part of people's lives to a random event such as where you were born, and were you live, it does not change the impact of the location's influential power. (Its EVIL influential power!!! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!).

For instance, being born in one area of the country might find you deeply entrenched in the Southern Baptist culture, while being born in another puts you squarely into Mormon territory.

In other scenarios, where you were born and how you were raised would see to it that you were an evangelical creationist or perhaps even an orthodox Jew.

So many different variations just by location.

But all of these beliefs are supposed to be true, right?

So does that mean that Truth is relative to your geographical region?

Does being born in a different part of the country change the amount of truth your beliefs will have?

And if one belief is still more true than another, what happens if you are born into a "less true" or worse, a false faith? How would you even know? I mean, your parents believe it, and many other people believe it, how could they be wrong?

Is it all just subjective and relative?

WHERE IN THE WORLD....?

And that's just what's common for America.

Take the oft used example that we love to hate.

We've done a good job of demonizing Islam and Muslim culture. (It's pretty easy really).

After all, it's not like our culture or our faith, so it must be bad. (Yeah! Totally!)

But pretend, for consistency, you were born Saudi Arabia, and suddenly everything flips on its head. (Why that happens is still being tested by top scientists).

Because of your location, and how you were raised, Islam is now the one truth faith, and everything western is now wrong, and evil.

You believe the Qur'an just as strongly as you would have believed The Bible.

You would now likely be militantly against Christianity, the very thing you believed so strongly before, all because of where you were born, and how you were raised. Two things, again, very much out of your control.

And that's just one variation. A few hundred miles this way or that, and you could have been a Hindu or a Buddhist. (Dear God noooooooooo!!!!!!)

(God: Yeeeeeeeeppppppp!!!)

It really starts to seem arbitrary and pointless if it's just ascribed to location.

For a silly example (the best kind), how is this any different from a fiery war based on the prevailing geographical music style?

America hating Mexico because they don't believe that Blues is the one good form of music. Mexico passionately against America for their discounting of Mariachi. Ireland angry at Germany because they have not accepted traditional Gaelic folk music as their one true style, and Russia aiming missiles at Japan for listening to their false J-pop music.

Time for a musical cleansing!

CONCLUSION

Examining the origins of our most strongly and fervently held beliefs, opinions, and passions,  makes me wonder how much of what and who we are is really of our own doing.

And that is not something I like the sound of.

Most of us, myself included, take great pride in our personal opinions and viewpoints, and to entertain the possibility that I'm not as in control of my own decision making process as I want to be, or think I am, is actually quite depressing.

How much of what we feel is really our own idea? How much is just a product of where we live, and how our parents raised us?

As a bigger question, how do we know if what we think and believe is truly our own?

And if something as profound as belief can be influenced by our upbringing and location, is there really anything that is universally true?

I'll leave that up to you.

Wait. Hold that thought... the game's on!


You might also be interested in:

• Revenge Of Jehovah's Witnesses
• The Inefficacy Of Prayer
• Gardening With God
• Sports Hatred
• Why I don't Commit Murder
  

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Tags: blog philosophy psychology humor sarcastic sports religion football soccer broncos christian christianity islam muslim upbringing location belief faith truth

2009: What Have We Learned?

I recapped the most horrible year of my life in a perky little blog, plainly titled, "2008: The Worst Year Of My Life".

I figured simplicity was best in that case.

I spent the beginning of that year feeling broken mentally and emotionally after the ending of a relationship, then took that energy and channeled it into my harrowing near-death due to a sudden incarcerated hernia, and finally sailed smoothly into the winter by almost going completely broke.

But other than that, it was great.

So with my 2008 being so merry and gay, how did 2009 fare for little ol' me?

Well, it just so happens that 2009 marks the first year of The King Of Deprecation, (which is obviously this ridiculous pseudo-philosohpical blog you're reading now) and therefore that makes it easy to go back in time and follow the tumultuous, tear-jearking, and sexual journey through the ups and downs of The Aftermath of 2008.

So, now comes the question.

What have we learned Charlie Brown?

EARLY 2009

The last new year started off with a bang. (silence...)

I ended 2008 by just barely scraping by, still healing physically, mentally and emotionally.

So it only makes sense to hit me again, this time with the drawn-out death of my only companion (yes, sad in itself), my cat of 15 years, Hobbes.

Not the best way to begin the year, I guess I should have planned things differently.

Without my feline friend I was now truly alone, with no one to throw my constant comments and witty asides to while working at home (I really need an Ed McMahon character that follows me around).

A month later I had my biggest set back of the whole ordeal, when I discovered that the dramatic hernia situation that had nearly claimed my life a few moths prior was back, albeit in a much less life-threatening way.

This became one of the lowest points in my entire life.

I felt that I would never escape my own bodily defects, and, though not very logical, my emotions swamped me in the fear that this was to be forever my lot in life: to be broken, and to remain that way forever. Limited, feeble, restricted in almost every aspect of life we take for granted. (All of them).

My birthday that month was slightly less than badass.

My awful outlook on life, fueled by my extreme unhappiness, gave birth to many fascinating (though I'm sure quite depressing and bleak) philosophical conversations about the nature existence.

More than ever before, my mind drifted into constant examination of myself and the world around me, and I discovered that I seemed to enjoy psychoanalyzing people.

During this ever-so-groovy period, I spent much time focusing on two main issues that were quite apparent in my (then shitty) writing.

Love and happiness.

More specifically, why each of those concepts were negative.

I had no love, and I had no happiness, and therefore I had to come up with some pretty over-the-top rationalizations of of my place in life. Not that there aren't downsides and things to take note of with those concepts, but maybe, just maybe (I don't want to jump to conclusions yet) I went a bit too far with it.

My new found outlet and interest in writing about these observations was my only real therapy. As each new idea, opinion, feeling and perspective came to mind, I channeled my miserable mood into a light edition of what some might call 'enthusiam' or 'excitement' or 'slightly-less-miserable-ness' and began to collect them in a notebook in the goal of turning many of them into poorly written blogs.

Great job!

MID 2009

Though my own bodily frailty and my bitter perspective on the world were always on my mind, as the year progressed, somehow I managed to turn my frothing, torturous self-pity into a frothing, torturous self-pity-based series of essays that showcased my personal insecurities and my need to impress others.

(Impressed with my honesty there? 'Cause, you know, that took courage to just come out and be so open about that. I mean, I would admire someone who did that... so... you know... you might... um... ).

During my lifetime, I have developed a strange skill that allows me to adapt my personal pain, hatred, and depression, and use it as a tool to help me forge my creative endeavors. In fact, I became so good at it, that any time I found myself in a new, freshly-minted (still in box) dramatic situation, within minutes I would already be thinking, "Fuck this really sucks! I can't wait to write a song with this emotion!"

And now I applied it to writing.

(See? Look at me go!!)

Though miserable, by the middle of 2009, my mind was now running at a ridiculously high RPM (which was unnecessary given the speed I was traveling at). Every day would bring a new all-consuming thought about myself or those around me, a new perspective about this grand turd we called awareness, and philosophical ramblings that led me to momentary excitement and potential brilliance, only to end up at "so what?"

My personal struggle with the concept of happiness continued, as I tried my best to demonize it (you know, since I didn't have it) in blogs like "I Resent Your Happiness". Also waged was my battle with love in general, with blogs like "(Mis)Perceptions Of Love" and others (which I perpetually shot sniper rounds at from the comfort of my lofty elitist bell tower, while shouting, "you made me play second base!!!").

Though I was really beginning to... to... "enjoy" (please apply that term loosely) writing my thoughts on things, and putting them out into the world as a form of self-reflective therapy, my emotions were building under the surface (this is the same surface, by the way, that was already obviously tormented, rage-filled, and super-depressive. One can only imagine the HIDDEN emotions under that).

The constant, and seemingly hopeless struggle with the medical system, combined with my ever more erratic emotions and über-pessimism about the futile crap-shoot of life, culminated in my darkest period of recent times.

My essay about suicide summed up my whole outlook at the time.

I enjoyed nothing. I looked forward to nothing. I was eternally unhappy.

I really felt that I genuinely had nothing at all. I had chosen the shortest straw, and I could see no good reasons to continue trudging through this pointlessness.

(You know what I should do about that? Dwell on it some more! That will help!).

LATE 2009

So, if you thought contemplating suicide was the lowest point I could get to, just wait until...

Actually, you were right, it was the lowest point.

Obviously I did not end my life, though I really don't recall why not. (There's still plenty of time for that).

Perhaps the reason, or part of it at least, was due to my obsessive focus on finishing my five-years-in-the-making 3rd album "Moira's Lake", for my personal music project Envinity.

When fully engrossed in working on something I love, though I may complain about the work, though I may be stressed out, though I may be tired, I find that I counteract all of my negative emotional mood swings (perhaps not ALL...).

Seeing this in action, I wrote about my new theory that my personal happiness, or satisfaction, is tied very closely to my creative output and productivity.

Hmmm. So is that the key to my depression?

Yeahhhhhnnnnnoooo. Sort of. One of may keys, really.

In September I finally caught a lucky break with my health problems and, after months and months of awful, annoying struggles, managed to get my surgery taken care of.

It was an amazing relief, and one less thing to add to the billion pestering thoughts that greeted me each sun-shiney day.

With that portion of my life 100% fully behind me forever and ever with literally no chance of returning in the future in any way, shape or form, (take a breath in), my mind focused back on what it does best:

Over-analyzing every god damn thing.

When I returned to my blogs, I wrestled with more heady concepts that bothered me, namely spirituality and belief in general, in cheeky essays like Gardening With God, and The Inefficacy Of Prayer.

I inadvertently improved my writing-style and storytelling skills by pushing myself to be more naked and vulnerable in my essays (like in the blog "Soul Mates"), and turned up the scrutiny and self-deprecation on myself. (How could I have turned up the "self-deprecation" on someone else?).

With my mind thoroughly engrossed in finishing my album, and writing new observations on life, I felt, for once in a long while, okay.

Not great, mind you. But "okay" was a welcomed improvement.

Say, maybe I had found the key to my own happiness...

END OF 2009

I was on fire. (FUCK!!!!)

I was monstrously productive (I did a thing), and I was busy all of the time. I would complain that there was not enough time to get every aspect of the music, graphics, writing, editing, marketing, and self-fellatio completed.

My full release came (wow, what's with all of the sudden sexual humor? What does that say about me right now?) on Halloween when, after 5 years of work, I released Moira's Lake to the world (see: a few people on the internet).

Now I could finally relax after all of that... stress... and... okay, I'm getting bored and restless already... really restless and frustrated now... nothing to work on... depression coming back... shit... I thought I had the magical cure-all???!!!!

My big projects had worked wonders to keep my mind focused, and much less likely to dwell on the negative. Now that the projects were done, my mind was free to wander back into philosophical bleakness,  and I drifted into the quite familiar emotional mire.

My "too many to count by now" existential crisis was upon me again, and wrapped me up in a flour tortilla with mixed cheese and chipotle aiole. (Mmmm... actually can I have a side of salsa with that too? Perfect. Thanks).

As I dissected myself further at the end of the year, the essays became increasingly life-focused and philosophical, dealing with the essential questions of existence: who am I? What do I want?

Understanding the nature of my priorities in life was now an important question.

My existential crisis forced me ever closer to the causes of what affects me, and how I react to them. Everyday brought with it a new way to look at myself, a new observation on my behavior, a new revelation on who I really am as a person (usually not flattering, but still fascinating).

Things came to a decidedly uncharacteristic peak when, madly pacing around my apartment one day in search of some understanding of who I am and what I want, it suddenly hit me.

I've never made "enjoying my life" a priority.

Everything up until then revolved around my creative projects, and my happiness took a back seat to the art. In fact, I seemed to sabotage my chances at happiness, just to create more pain, and then vicariously, more art.

This was the person I'd known as "Niko" for nearly half of my life.

I was almost afraid to admit to myself the treasonous thought that, "maybe I want to enjoy my life now."

What a strange notion.

And yet, I think I do.

"What? Enjoy your life? Who the hell is this person?"

At the moment, I'm not sure.

That's for 2010 to decide.

My head hurts.

ABOUT THE BLOGS THEMSELVES

In order to write this post, and also the last blog about my "best" posts of 2009, I sat myself down in front of the computer (so far sounds fairly cut and dried), and began reading through everything I've posted last year.

In my mind, this would be a fun task. I was guessing that I was going to enjoy reading about my mindset and observations during the often frustrating times of spring '09.

What I discovered upon my first few readings, was that I, the very person who wrote these blogs, was having trouble even getting to the end of some of them.

"Wow, that's kind of embarrassing," I thought out loud.

Not the feeling I was hoping for.

Sure I knew that my earlier posts would not be as good, but these were pretty unreadable.

The observation at the heart of each essay was all fine and good –points about honesty, the nature of emotion, and lust– but the writing behind it made me want to fall asleep and dream of molten river of turds.

(I can't tell if that is relaxing or not, I'll have to try it tonight).

My perspective was all off.

There was no personal connection, no emotion, no story, no real reason to care about the notion, idea, or observation contained within the big, intimidating blocks of text.

As I soldiered on, I (thankfully) slowly began developing my writing style into something more entertaining and readable (subjectively speaking of course).

Due to my insecurities as a freshly minted "writer", I felt I had to prove myself to the world by using a constant slew of big words and over-the-top, out-of-place humor. Yeah, that'll make 'em love it!!

(OMNIFUTUANT!!)

What an idiot I was.

Well, perhaps just ignorant of these concepts.

Sure I could throw out some interesting points of view on myself and others (we all have legs), but if there is no personal connection to the idea, why would you give a shit about reading it? (Answer: you didn't give a shit about reading it).

Look at a post from March '09 and then one from October through December and you'll see what I mean. The point being made is just fine, but it's just not told in an interesting way.

On second thought, just take my word for it and only read the newer stuff.

What a difference a year makes.

2009 VS 2008

So overall, how does 2009 fare when compared to 2008?

Well, considering that I was destroyed mentally, emotionally, physically and financially in 2008, losing my cat of 15 years, dealing with a second hernia, extreme bouts of depression, near suicide, and existential crises made for a much improved year!

The setbacks, and personal crises, though awful at the moment, served as a wonderful reference point to learn more about the person I have become (whoever the fuck he is), and the world around me.

I do strongly believe that pain is one of the best catalysts for change, and with that in mind, change I did.

If 2008 was the worst year of my life, than I will officially dub 2009 my year of awareness, says me.

Now the real test is to see if I can begin actually applying these observations to my life, with the goal of, dare I say, IMPROVING IT (wha??!!), and make 2010 my year of implementation.

Well, good fucking luck on that.

Anyone else learn any big lessons about themselves this past year?


You might also be interested in:

• 2008: The Worst Year Of My Life
• Hernia 2: A Love Story
• Focus On My What?
• Too Early For Suicide?
• Internal And External Priorities

Hey! If you liked reading this story, would you mind clicking on one of the social icons below, so others can find this too? My condescending thanks.

Visit the all new DeprecationWear online store! Sarcastic, self-deprecating and elitist merchandise. Click HERE to see my wares!



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Tags: blog personal+struggle philosophy psychology life+lessons humor sarcasm self+improvement

Outside Validation

Boy, we sure love to think of ourselves as self-sustaining, confident need-nothings.

It's obviously an ego-based idea, and that's why it's so common.

Sure, we can get by for a while on our own, doing our own thing, making our own way, but eventually our subconscious social nature sneaks up on us and demands attention.

You know that picture you drew? The one you spent all of that time on? The one you're really proud of? Are you really sure it's good?

You know how you like to think of yourself as a really intelligent person? Are you really sure you are?

You think you're pretty funny too, don't you? What if you aren't?

Just like most things, encouragement from an outside source can make or break our image of ourselves and inspire us to strive for more, or completely give up.

So are we really that dependent on the approval of others?

I don't know, what do you think?

...(waiting desperately).

WHERE'S DEPRECATION BEEN MAN?

I'm a pathetic whore for outside validation.

I had my sad realization that I was not the cool rebel that I thought myself to be a while ago.

As a relevant example, I'll look at this very blog. *Does*

Before I decided to really put a good deal of effort into writing my silly observations on myself and the world on a consistent basis, I was of the mind that my sporadic essays on random things we're unappreciated and unread, or even hated (that one hasn't changed).

Generally my posting frequency was about one blog every three months.

It wasn't until someone I knew directly told me that not only had he read my blogs, but he actually enjoyed what I had to say!

*spit take*

Wha?

I was honestly confused and beside myself (and confused). Someone actually read that crap, and somehow, seemed to enjoy my emotionally-laden perspectives on things?

He asked me when I was going to post again, and seemed to show genuine interest, not just that "I'm being nice to you, but I don't really want to read more of your stupid blogs" thing.

It was small, short and simple.

And that stuck with me.

Things were suddenly different. I had an audience now. Someone enjoyed what I did, and I now had new motivation to do it more often.

See?

Did I have the confidence in myself to just go for it on my own? No. It took an encouraging word from someone else to inspire me.

Thanks Edy!

FREUD SUPPORTS YOU, LITTLE FELLA

It's interesting how far of an impact not getting the approval we seek can have.

I have friends whose parents never supported them in their creative endeavors.

They (not the parents) had a talent and a passion for music, or art or something creative, and even when they (not the parents) showed great improvements and excitement for what they (not the parents) were doing, they (the parents) would not get even the slightest "That sounds/looks really good!" or "You're really improving," or the very enthusiastic, "Would you play/write/draw something for me?"

It's really quite Freudian. Constantly seeking that elusive missing validation from those you most wanted it from. In many cases, our own parents.

So what about this said impact from lack of outside validation?

Well, those very same friends who never got encouraged, yet were so full of talent, are struggling and conflicted now.

I often hear stories from these people about their previous home lives, and the lack of support their parents "showed" them regarding their hobbies, and passions. They (not the parents) want to work on their areas of talent, but it's quite apparent how much discouragement has rubbed off on them (from their parents).

Sometimes all it takes is a small word of enthusiasm and support to send someone off in a better direction.

A simple positive word for the child can go a long way towards inspiring them, just as a negative word can go a long way towards derailing them.

Does that mean there is a direct correlation between encouragement and success? Or at least encouragement and drive?

Well, it appears, in my non-scienfic studies, that there is something.

How much I'm not sure.

By the way, that picture you drew really sucks.

YOU'RE SO CONFIDENT

"I don't care what people think about me!"

I'm sure you've heard people who say such bold statements, usually loudly, and in the company of many.

Perhaps you, yourself, have said the same thing before?

As I mentioned in the preamble, it's a common thought for many of us that we're independent rebels, who need no approval or permission from anyone to do anything.

Right?

Yeah!

...man.

If you wear certain clothes, perhaps clothes that people around you do not wear, you may get a playful jab, or even a threatening insult from those who disapprove.

Most of us are quite conscious of this, and take these things to heart.

But some of us, feel compelled to respond with the ever-so-cool "I don't give a shit what others think about me! I just do my own thing."

Whoa!

Awesome!

You really are totally self-confident!

I mean, you proved me wrong man.

...Except for the fact that you are not only lying to those that overhear the statement, but to yourself as well.

Why?

Think of it this way:

If you really did not care about the opinions of others, then why did you proclaim, so loudly, in front of as many people as possible, your proud defiance of validation from your peers? Hmmm?

Could you, by chance, be seeking approval and respect for the fact that you claim to seek no approval or respect?

People could be pretty impressed by your self confidence, don't you think?

No, of course not.

My fault.

That was stupid.

You don't care what everyone else thinks of you.

(You just want their approval for appearing to not care what they think).

VALIDATING ENVINITY

One of my most vulnerable areas is also, obviously, one of my most confident areas.

My music.

Specifically my music project Envinity.

It's a strange and violent mix of emotions and perspectives that go into how I feel about what I do.

If you've read many of my recent blogs, you'll know that I talk a lot about dichotomy.

Two opposing opinions or emotions on the same topic.

And music delivers this for me in spades (straight flush bitches!).

It is within this extremely narrow niche that I am the most cocky, over-confident and powerful. When I create, I feel like a God. It's as if I will a unique universe into being with just my mind.

Oh man, it can be an amazing feeling!

And it's not just the creation.

It's music in general.

I usually feel that I know more about music composition than those around me. That I understand broader concepts about how music affects people psychologically and emotionally (hey, I told you I can be cocky here).

Now that I've got all of that out of the way, we get to the ever-popular dichotomy part.

Even though I'm able to feel so self-assured and confident in my abilities as a composer, it's also, as I said earlier, the area in which I'm most sensitive and fragile.

You'd think all of that confidence I just spoke of would allow me to remain steadfast in my opinion of my own creations, but they don't.

Any dissenting vote, or nay sayer will almost instantly cripple me emotionally, and turn me from the most cocky, arrogant person, into the most insecure, confused, and broken person.

Additionally, I never really feel that something I've done is worth a damn, until a complete stranger validates it for me.

Not a friend. Not a band member. Not family.

A complete stranger. With no reason to say anything positive, other than the fact that they truly like it.

So why can't I just stick to my guns, when I know that something I've done is good?

OUTSIDE VALIDATION AS A TOOL

Although most of this probably sounds like outside validation is some kind of weakness, or that it's a crutch for those that are not confident enough in themselves, outside validation can actually be a valuable tool, if used in the right way and with the right people.

One of my first good blogs close to my current writing style, was a blog written at the end of 2008 called, "Self Perception: What A Beautiful Thing!" In essence it was a blog written out of the then startling realization that we generally see ourselves quite inaccurately compared to the person we are in the world.

More specifically, in my view, self perception is how we would LIKE to see ourselves.

And since we cannot ever see ourselves without the bias of BEING ourselves, we need to rely on outside validation to confirm or deny our preconceptions of who we think we are.

Using outside validation in this way requires that you have a friend or family member
that you trust, and most importantly, a person who is not afraid to tell you the truth, even when they know it may not make you feel good emotionally.

Watch for other's reactions to what you do and say. Does that reflect the image you have of yourself?

How do people treat you, and what does that say about who you are, or how you act?

Were you even aware that you act that way, or say things like that?

I bet you weren't.

The never-ending quest to discover who you really are is one of the most important journeys you can ever attempt. (So says me).

And having things within yourself validated from an outside source, can help you see more accurately the person you really are.

Potentially.

THIN-SKINNED AND FRAGILE

I see now, that I am more sensitive and fragile than I previously thought.

I have a stunning track record of giving up easily in the face of opposition (in some areas, not all). The slightest negative comment sends me spinning for days, weeks, or even months (some I've held onto for years).

All this shows me, is my lack of confidence in myself. My lack of trust in my own ideas. Yes, there are times when I can exude, true or not, a sort of charismatic determination and confidence in my own ideas, but it's not the norm.

It would be nice to not be so needy of outside validation for everything I do, and everything I am.

Why do I devalue myself so?

Where does this fragility come from?

Why does my own opinion of something not suffice?

Why do I place such emphasis on a word from others?

Throughout this last year or so, my weaknesses (which are plentiful), have come welling up to the surface, ripe for self-examination.

And this is but one of them.

But is it also one of yours?

Are we really as independent, confident, and self-assured as we would like to think we are?

Perhaps you may be, but I'm definitely not.

Well, unless you think I am, because I value your opinion.


Related blogs:
Focus On My What?
Your Self Projection Had Potential!
I Resent Your Happiness
Run In With The Beautiful People
Self Perception: What A Beautiful Thing!

Enjoy reading this blog? Please socially bookmark this page, or post it on your Facebook, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

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Internal And External Priorities

Sometimes it only takes a word or sentence for me to be sent down the proverbial drainpipe of meandering existential philosophy. Just like my essay, "Gardening With God," in which a simple wall plaque inspired a entire blog about how people personify the concept of god.

I'll change the format of this blog a bit, and give you the theory upfront, instead of gradually through examples, or at the end of the story.

Here it is:

Many, if not most people, tend to prioritize what they have, and who they are with, over who they are, and what they do.

So how did I come to this little silly-sounding tidbit, and what does it really mean?

And the real question: does it even matter?

HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR FREE TIME?

I was talking with a very cool, laid back neighbor of mine, who I only see from time to time. We lightly chit-chatted about random things and he happily told me he had the evening off of work, unexpectedly, and was thrilled to have some free time, which is quite understandable.

I asked him what he was going to do with his time and he admitted he was not quite sure, but he was trying to get a hold of some friends so they could go out somewhere and get wasted.

"Sure," I said, trying to hold back. "That's one way to spend the time."

"Well, what else am I going to do on a Friday evening?" he questioned.

This is why you don't ask me extremely open-ended questions like this, as I have the tendency to want to play with people.

Trying to make a point and also testing for interesting reactions, I let out a stream of options as a substitute for extreme social drinking:

"Let's see, well, you could start writing a book; you could make a blog about your favorite interests; you could draw, sketch or paint a picture;... um... you could write a song; you could begin learning a new instrument; you could study a subject you've always wanted to know more about; you could write down a list of long-term life goals and break them down into smaller, more accomplishable steps; you could learn a new language; start a humorous web comic...uh..."

I stalled for new ideas to throw into my spontaneous tangent.

"Well, maybe YOU could do that," he replied with a chuckle, acting as if I had just asked him pour cottage cheese into his pants, and run around the neighborhood licking mailboxes.

Yes, I was playing with him, but it was also partially serious. Were those suggestions really that strange?

"Anyone can do those things, assuming you want to," I defended, but he was already making his way back into his house, scrolling through his contact list on his phone.

"Hmmm," I thought out loud. "Maybe my priorities are really out of whack. Those sounded like admirable things to do with one's free time, even on a Friday."

It sure doesn't take much for me to feel like I'm struggling against the flow of the river. I guess everything I do or value is completely odd, stupid, or plain ridiculous.

Right?

GOT ANY PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND?

I've been asked that question periodically and it always makes me pause.

I know what they mean by asking me that question.

"Are you going out anywhere, spending time with someone, or doing something that is generally accepted as a traditional social outlet for enjoyment and/or escapism."

Realistically, the answer is both yes and no.

Yes because I have things to do, and I plan to do them.

No because most people don't seem to think of my plans as "plans".

Why? Most of the things I do, and find extremely important, are generally viewed as internal pursuits: Things I do that only involve me. No friends, no going out, no traditional "fun". Hence, weird.

When I tell people the "plans" I have for any given patch of free time, I often receive looks of confusion, blank stares, or sometimes looks or pity and sympathy.

"Poor, pathetic loser," they seem to say.

And what makes me so odd?

Well, take this example of the things that I would be working on right now in my free time, considering my internally focused priorities.

*I need to continue mixing the last few details in a few songs for my new album
*I need to put together the remaining graphic layouts for the album artwork
*I need to write several pieces of copy for the website and promo materials
*I need to start working on a new blog for KingOfDeprecation
*I need to start working on a new blog for The Envinity Blog
*I need to map out a step by step master release list for the Envinity Blog
*I need to finish the last pieces of content for the new website
*I need to create a new global marketing outline for the release of the new album

etc, etc. The list goes on and on.

Sound like a blast? Probably not, huh? Does that sound extremely silly to you?

This is what I do with my free time. Essentially, I work. And, yes, by myself. But I work on my own projects. Things that matter to me that are each, in their own way, a form of self expression. And by doing so, I feel like I am enhancing the person I am, and the things I've done with my life. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

PROJECTING PRIORITIES

I often have trouble identifying with others, and falsely assume that they see the world in the same way I do (projecting). We all do this to greater or lesser degrees in our own way, though lately my problem has become quite exaggerated.

I tend to think that everyone places high value on self-expression, creativity, art, the pursuit of knowledge, and the quest to understand the self. Boy am I an idiot. Those things are stupid. The few times I get into a conversation with someone, I tend to interpret things through those odd priorities of mine, obscuring the obvious meaning of what they intended to convey.

Facebook has been a wonderful way to re-connect with childhood friends and classmates. During a brief "what have you been up to for over a decade" type conversation with an old friend from my youth, I asked her what she had been doing that day.

"I've been really busy with family stuff, so I have not had much of a chance to get to it, but I've been trying to get some painting done today."

Now, you may have interpreted this in its intended meaning already, but not me. I was quite surprised and excited by this comment.

"Wow, that's pretty cool," I commented, taking new interest in the conversation.
"What are you painting?"

"Well right now I just want to get the kitchen done."

Oh...

THAT kind of painting.

Here I was all excited that this person was also an artist and put high priority on artistic expression and creativity, when all she meant was she was simply painting her house.

And for me, that was a let down. Not that kitchens shouldn't be painted, or that it won't make the place look nicer, I'm sure it will. But I felt let down because I thought that I could talk to someone with some similar priorities, and even viewpoints on life.

Nope. I'm the weird one, yet again. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

SHORT TERM FIX

You've just had a long, stressful day at work, and you really need to let off some steam and relax. How are you going to spend your evening? If you are like most young people, you probably will feel trapped sitting around your apartment, and feel the need to let loose, to get away from things.

The social consensus leads many of us to decide that what we need is to go out to a bar or club and get completely hammered. It's instant. It's visceral. And it works.

Albeit temporarily.

We trade in progress on any of our long term goals for ourselves, in exchange for a night of carousing and alcohol-fueled reality-avoidance.

But in the grand scheme of things, this is simply an example of how we subconsciously circumvent tackling our big, challenging life issues, and our grand aspirations for ourselves, via social distractions that simply pass time, without helping us use that time productively for our own benefit.

Though I could not see that a few years ago, it seems clear as day to me now. The focus on such short term trivialities as a main priority will only help to ensure that our lives will pass us by without us even knowing it.

Sure, we'll have some funny stories to share, but nothing truly accomplished to show for it.

In essence, we will live our lives in the passenger seat, forever fearful of taking direct control and responsibility of where, how, or when the car may get to a destination.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with getting together with friends for a round of drinks and laughs after a long day. I understand the appeal, honestly I do. For a few years, I was part of a social circle that did nothing but party all week. I was part of...

THE CLUB SCENE

For most of my adult life I had never been much of a drinker, perhaps just having a few beers here and there or a glass of wine from time to time. It wasn't until I suddenly started DJing in a small, dilapidated club that I became introduced to the extreme social partying scene.

All of my new friends were now bartenders, DJs and club staff, all of whom quite enjoy drinking (an understatement). And in the excitement of this new environment, I adopted the philosophy of, "when in Rome...". (Which I was not in).

Over time, I became a regular at the bars and clubs associated with my bartender and club staff employees. On my off nights I was out, like many, many others, till 2am (usually later) drinking and dancing, and I loved it. It felt exciting, and edgy, like I was part of some sort of underground rebellious movement of misunderstood people who wanted to really live life everyday.

Once I started working as door staff at another club, I was taking shots before, during and after my shift, then we'd all head to another bar after hours where we would, get this, drink some more. 6am sometimes. And that was life. Sometimes five days a week. Work at the club, drink, sleep in late, work at the club, drink, sleep in late, night off, drink at another club, drink after hours, sleep in late... you get the picture.

After many months of this routine, even though I did feel partially included in the group of staff folks and their partying antics, I began to become restless and irritated with the lifestyle. This was not just some friends who got together here and there over a few drinks, this was almost every night with drunken after hours shenanigans. It was the lifestyle.

I grew resentful of many of the people I had considered friends, or at least acquaintances, feeling as if we were wasting our lives away; and I had only been part of it for a year or so.

I was sick of feeling that the only way we could all hang out was through copious amounts of alcohol and social debauchery. Once in a while, sure, no problem. Making it your whole life though?

Quite depressing.

But perhaps only for me.

A MANIFESTO... OF SORTS

Since it has been on my mind for some time now, I've had time to break it all down in to two types of focuses and priorities.

The external (what you have, who you are with) and the internal (who you are, what you do).

To me, there is nothing more important in existence than learning to understand who you are (a deceptively simple, yet extremely complex question), and pure, creative self-expression (what you do).

These priorities have governed my life for as long as I can remember (although the journey of understanding myself has been a bit more of a recent development).

Sure, working on creative projects of any kind does not carry the immediate sex appeal of say, going out on the town with your close friends for a night of hijinks and crazy stories to tell; but the long term goals, and maybe this is only me, completely blow the quick fix out of the water.

So I didn't get out all weekend. So what? I spent time working on things that directly relate to who I am, what I want to do and where I want to go with my life. It's not always hip, cool, or marketable, and few people even understand why doing anything like that would be enjoyable or worthwhile.

And still I don't get it. I really don't. Yes, I've been there before, it was fun for a while, but it quickly lost its luster, and I remain confused as to why it does not do the same for more people.

It seems that hardly anyone places emphasis on the big internal questions (who they are, what they do), and only pursues the external (what they have, who they are with). So maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe it's me who's wasting my life away cooped up inside doing my internally-focused creative ventures and not really going out and experiencing life like everyone else around me.

Which brings me back to the essential question. Does this even matter?



Related blogs:
The Depression Panacea
Gardening With God
Artist Integrity And The Dichotomy Of Success
The Inefficacy Of Prayer
The Feel Good Fix. And Observation On Wants And Needs

Enjoy reading this blog? Please socially bookmark this page, or post it on your Facebook, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

Visit the all new DeprecationWear online store! Sarcastic, self-deprecating and elitist merchandise. Click HERE to see my wares!



buy unique gifts at Zazzle

Tags: life goals plans drinking partying social creativity long term short term psychology philosophy know thy self

Passion Or Practicality?

There is a girl at my restaurant who I've found a particular interest in analyzing, and I'm sure you can guess why.

I'm attracted to her. (Well, so far)

She's only a few years younger than I, quite pretty, a decently witty head on her shoulders, spunky, fun to be around, in a relationship...

... Wait, what was that last part?

Shit. She's in a relationship.

... And has a new born.

Ehhhhhh... This is not sounding as good anymore.

So much for that "opportunity" eh? Such is my luck.

Besides, I'm sure she's plenty happy in her current relationship.

... or is she?

What do you say we find out together? (We should hold hands)

CONTRAST CREATES EMOTION

I was admittedly a bit disappointed that one of the few girls I find some spark of interest in, is off the market. Not to mention the kid. (I should not have mentioned that).

So, I took particular interest the day her boyfriend came into the restaurant with their baby.

I watched from afar from behind my laptop, as I pretended to be working on one of my brilliant and insightful blogs for... some site that no one reads.

(No, I'm not a stalker. I'm just obsessive. Isn't there a difference? Please?)

Right away, I was a bit surprised at the boyfriend's jockiness. Not the type of guy I had thought she would be dating. In his defense, not having actually talked with him, he did not exactly look like a super-douche, just, well, as I said. A bit on the jocktacular side. He could be cool. Who knows. (I don't want to know).

As soon as she saw the pair enter the door, she lit up and smiled.

(Damn it. Look how happy she is. I hate other people's happiness)

She immediately kissed and coddled the child, then looked at her boyfriend with a very socially polite smile and simply said, "hey".

No hug, no kiss, just "hey".

I raised an eyebrow.

The boyfriend sat down at an empty booth and placed the baby carriage on top of the table, so that they could admire and lavish affection on the child.

As I kept watching, from my distant, secret lair of social-ineptitude, my eyes couldn't help noticing her odd body language.

The entire time, she stood at the opposite end of the booth, never sitting down with him, not even for a moment (the restaurant was dead by the way), throwing him only matter-of-fact facial expressions, and slight nods while talking.

"Maybe that's just how she is with people", I thought.

Then she turned to the baby with a bright, beaming smile full of love and exuberance.

"Hmmm..." I pondered.

After his meal, she once again hugged and kissed the baby with an affectionate radiance. On his way out, she addressed her boyfriend with a simple, "bye".

Not in a sarcastic way, nor in an "I'm angry at you" way, just, well, bland.

Lifeless.

I pretended to go back to my blog, but instead I opened up a new file and wrote down what I just saw. This suddenly got interesting.

LESS IS MORE

Noticing that interesting display, and feeling particularly saucy, I decided to probe her about her relationship.

So, when we were talking one afternoon at work, I purposely put her on the spot and asked her point blank and calmly, "So, would you say that you have a passionless relationship?"

She flashed through about twenty quick expressions before flustering through multiple half-finished, defensive responses.

"What? What do you... no... I mean, I don't know what you mean... why would you ask that? I don't understand..." she said, with lots of head shaking and facial expression changes.

I reiterated my question, as I had the feeling she knew exactly what I was asking, but was trying to avoid it.

There is something slyly enjoyable about making people uncomfortable with bold questions.

"Is there a lot of passion is your relationship?" I asked again, very calmly with a slight smile.

"Well, I mean.... we love each other...." she said with a confused, yet also suspicious look.

"Thats not what I asked" I said with a smirk.

"What do you mean? I don't... what are you asking?"

She knew exactly what I was asking.

"I don't understand why you're asking me this," she said, as she conveniently walked away to check on one of her tables.

I smiled to myself. So that answers that question.

This was getting to be quite fun. For me, at least.

THE GRAND CANYON

The last straw in my observing her relationship from afar like a creepy stalker, came when her boyfriend, child and boyfriend's family showed up for lunch.

She waited on the table, and everything seemed just fine.

After lunch, the folks and baby took off (I assume the baby drove separately), leaving the boyfriend to hang out at the restaurant.

I just happened to be standing nearby when I caught a quick exchange between the two, something about the boyfriend apologizing for something. I know not what happened, or whether it was a big deal, like calling her "snatch" during the meal (why don't women like that?), or perhaps his parents just forgot to tip.

I never did find out.

Whatever it was, she seemed relatively okay about it, which is good (for them, not as much for me), then he went off to the bar for a beer, and to watch a game, as she continued cleaning up her tables.

And this is where my "hmmm..." becomes, "HMMMM....".

She grabbed some food and sat down in a booth.

No, not with her boyfriend, but with some fellow female servers.

"Maybe he's already gone, that would makes sense," I rationalized.

I did a quick scan of the restaurant, and saw her boyfriend sitting by himself in the lounge up front, watching tv.

HMMMM....

Now everyone has a different way they like to interact, and when you live together, I'm sure the "fun" of seeing the other person is a bit diminished (or augmented or suspended. Strike that, it's a C#dim7). But when she's off the clock, and the person she claims to be in a romantic relationship with is there to see her (why else would he be at that restaurant eh?), why would she stay far away from him?

Later on, she did eventually join him at the bar, but by this time he had struck up a converstaion with a gentlemen about whatever awesome game was on tv (sarcasm), and she sat next to him, not saying a word, silently starring off into space, with the occasional glance toward her boyfriend's converstaion.

Good times. Monday, Tuesday happy days.

READING BETWEEN THE SPACES

It's a series of bread crumbs like these that add up to a loaf. (Not the pinchable kind).

So why is she with him?

From what I've seen, I think I can safely say that they don't have a lot of passion. Since the baby is involved, I'm thinking the boyfriend represents safety, dependability, familiarity and comfort, which is fine if that is what you want.

And maybe that's what she wants.

Yet part of me keeps thinking, "Maybe she just doesn't know what is out there," and by "out there" I am referring to me.

But why would she want to be with someone like me? Do I represent any of those traits? Not really, or at least not in the same ways. I'm guessing she sees me as too weird, strange, silly, self-important, professorial, elitist or something to that effect to be considered relationship material.

Even if she did find some sort of oddly-placed interest in someone as opinionated and self-critical as myself, would I want the responsibility of caring for a child? I'm sure I could do it, but would I want it?

And why am I even making this an issue? Chance for opportunity: zero.

PASSION OR PRACTICALITY?

What this all comes down to is a simple question. What matters to you? What is important in a relationship? True, you don't always have to have only one or the other, but most people will offer MORE of one than the other.

So what do you want?

It's easier to stay in a slightly boring, but easy-going relationship, then it is to look for a new one, or sadly, to sustain the high-energy, super-passionate ones (why do those have to fizzle out so quickly?).

And maybe placing passion as a "must have" on my list will keep me forever searching, and never finding. I guess I'll just have to deal with that.

Now I just need to decide if I want to show her this blog or not. It could bring up some interesting reactions (which is completely worth it), or possibly make things incredibly awkward at work from here on out (not as much).

What do you think?

Ah, fuck it, I'll go for the risk. That's the only choice with any passion.



Related blogs:
Soul Mates
A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!
You Should Meet My Friend Niko
(Mis)Perceptions Of Love
The Lust Complex

Enjoy reading this blog? Please socially bookmark this page, or post it on your Facebook, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

Visit the all new DeprecationWear online store! Sarcastic, self-deprecating and elitist merchandise. Click HERE to see my wares!



buy unique gifts at Zazzle

Tags: love relationships philosophy.psychology stalker happy passion passionate practical comfort stability

Gardening With God

There is a needlework plaque hanging on a guest bedroom wall at my dad's house. This plaque, put up by my dad's wife, is a simple nicety about one of her favorite hobbies.

However, upon seeing it, I was instantly put through a range of emotions and philosophical tangents.

The plaque reads: "One is closest to God in the garden."

I'm sure many people would read this warm, Hallmark-wall-medallion and give it a simple little smile, then move on. My fate would not be so easy.

WHERE ARE THOSE OLD BOTANY BOOKS?

It was late, and I should have been heading into a nice cushy sleep on my vacation, but because I over-think everything (literally everything, it sucks sometimes), instead I had to frantically jot down all of my thoughts and digressions, all due to a glance at a simple hobby-promoting wall-hanging.

What I began thinking was, 'what is the real intention of this plaque?' and 'what implied interpretations of its message are likely?' (Yes those are actual things that keep me up at night. Maybe I should get into a relationship or something).

Is it saying that working with plants gives one a feeling of spirituality?

Or is it trying to tell me that the one true path to being with God (the true God nonetheless), is through horticultural cultivation?

Is it? Shit! Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?!

But if gardening is indeed the way to be closest to God, what about church? It seems pretty pointless with the news of this revolutionary theological enlightenment on a wall plaque, yes?

And then I thought about who created the wall hanging. Isn't that plaque likely sewn by someone who already is a garden enthusiast? I would say, probably yes. I can't imagine a model-train enthusiast reluctantly sewing this plaque with a remorseful tear in his eye, contemplating all the time he wasted on his, enjoyable, yet non-godly hobby.

Which got me thinking that if this person already had a passion for working with plants, and also a belief in a supernatural creator being, it would be fairly obvious that they would feel, subjectively, that they were closer to that intangible feeling of oneness with the universe when they were focused on something they were extremely passionate about.

Does that mean that I can't be as close to this God because I like to compose music? I saw no plaque for that. To take things at face value (it's funnier), we can see that one person's creative passion is more favored by this supreme creator than another's. And according to the glaring absence on the wall, my personal passions are not among them.

Now I'll never achieve enlightenment!!

Any yet, were I a religious man, I would probably argue that no else could understand how it feels, in that wonderfully dream-like moment when I compose a new musical idea or song. The feelings are, in my experience, eqivalent to nothing. (No, not "nothingness". I mean I can not find anything to compare them to, like Sinead O'Connor). The process is really amazing, and cathartic. Honestly, like nothing else I've been a part of.

Therefore, I'll argue that God can only be achieved through musical composition. And I'm right.

Case closed.

Case reopened...

So if my dad's wife feels a strong spiritual connection while gardening, and I could feel the equivalent of that, through making music, and my dad could get that via writing a novel, what's the connection? As I sat in the bed, my hand cramping up from writing all of my mental vomit onto the page, I moved this concept from specific, to global, which led me to the unifying theme of the the wall plaque:

The personification of God.

That is some insight into how my mind works, when a silly grandma's-house needlework wall-hanging brings me into the concept of how people psychologically project themselves into anthropomorphizing God.

Dude, you wanna party with me sometime? (I sure can live it up... mentally.)

FRACTIONS OF FACTIONS

Throughout history, gods of all kinds (including "The God". You know, the ONE?) have justified, sanctioned and even ordered some of the most cruel, shameful, and over all anti-human events on record. Usually leading the charge were angry, obsessive, or power-hungry men who were magically spared the skeptical questioning or absolute horror and shock of society, because their cause was backed by God with a hearty thumbs up. Hence good. (Yea genocide!!)

In modern times, one quick look at all of the different denominations branching from, or connected to Christianity is absolutely mind-boggling. Some factions demand that you adhere to archaic rituals and live in a manner exacting of ancient peoples, and others are extremely wishy-washy and liberal, saying that "as long as you at least believe in God, you can pretty much do what you want," (Within reason of course... wait, did I just say reason?).

From an outsider's perspective, I often wonder why there are so many slightly different takes on what should be a fairly to-the-point philosophy. You are all basing this off of the same book right? (Well, except for the Mormons). So why all the disagreement?

People all over the world have radically different ideas of what and who God is (or if God is single or has extreme mutilple personality disorder). Does it not strike you odd that each god or gods that come from a particular part of the world, or group of people, seem to represent that group's cultural ideas and views on the world? It's almost as if it was the people that created the gods, not the other way around. (Of course there is no way that could be true, so calm down and enjoy that slice of pie).

Although, if there really was a god, (just one we'll say), you'd think that his message would have been a bit more clear, and above all, universal. Not transalted through the social, man-made ideologies and situations of that time and culture.

Ha ha, no. Just kidding. That is foolish. Of course the only way to know what God REALLY means is through loose interpretations and personal biases.

EVERYTHING IN MODERATION

I've had some experience dealing with what I call moderate or abstract Christians. These individuals vaguely believe in the "Christian God", Jesus, a soul, afterlife etc, but usually only the touchy-feely portions. (You know, the "nice" parts?). Many times these mushy-pseudo-religious people do not actually follow the Bible (they may have only read it when they were young), and don't really go to church (or perhaps only on the rare holiday). And yet, they seem to have a decent amount of "insight" regarding spirituality.

Personally, I've heard them make multiple pronouncements about Who and What God is without any real basis.

"I think that God would have no problem with this or that," or,

"if God is love, which I think he is, then he will love me no matter what I do."

Even when I bring up specific, negative examples of The God Of The Bible's opinions and actions, or scriptually-based contradictions they will usually be unfazed, responding with, "Well, I don't believe in all that stuff" Hmmm.....

If you don't "believe in all that stuff", where are you getting your ideas on spirituality from? You appear to believe in things that sound very Christian, yet you do not subscribe to, or even know about the things that Christianity is based on.

How nice for you.

And there is that dead giveaway in your language, buddy-boy, about the origins of your personal understanding.

"Think".

Everything they say is usually done through the ownership-phrase "I think". Not "I know", or "I've read". "I think", implying personal interpretation. Which is what we humans do best.

Again, how did you come to this information? Need some change? Here are two cents: you wanted to feel good about whatever it is you do and say, so, obviously, God should feel the same way. Why? Cause that makes you feel good. The two of you are luckily on the same page. How convenient.

LET'S GRAB A BITE TO EAT

Let's say you and I were meeting up at a restaurant for a bite to eat (pretty cut and dried so far). You arrive early, grab a table and start looking over the menu. When the server comes by, do you think it would be a tad presumptuous to order for me, without knowing what I wanted? Sure you might know me a bit, and think, "Niko likes gyros, so I'll order him that", or "Niko likes some of the things I like, and I'm going to get baklava, so Niko will want baklava too," but what if I wanted a Greek salad today? You don't know, because I never actually told you.

Seriously. Don't order yet.

So let's pretend there is a God (and he wants a salad. I just know). To presume you know the mind of a being that has shown you no direct evidence of particular opinions or desires, is to me, arrogant.

We all have an innate desire to feel a connection with the vast, distant universe. To feel like we know the will of something greater than us, yet something that still involves us. However, our minds can only ever know our own minds. So it's those people that claim to be a mouthpiece and "speak for God" that makes me most worried. (By the way, if God is all powerful and has something to say, he could just say it himself).

So when people make pronouncements about the mind and will of God, what are they really saying? I've found that it is the people with the strongest personal agenda to advance that most often claim to have God directly on their side.

BIASED OBJECTIVITY

As you all know by now, I dislike a lot of things. And not liking a lot of things, as I do (or don't), I very feel strongly about the plethora of things I don't like, and in most cases, have a long list of itemised and officially-notarized reasons contributing to my opinions on something. Because my views are so "documented", so to speak, it feels as if these views should be completely objective, as if everyone should have these same opinions, after all, they are so obvious, aren't they? (Yes).

If my views feel universal (and they do), then there must be something to them (there must), and it can feel as if the conscious universe itself shares in my hard-edged elitist ideas (it does). If it feels that way, it must be that way (I already said that), and POOF!... it is that way.

WOW! IT IS!!! I WAS TOTALLY CORRECT!!!

It's funny (ha ha ha ha! See?) how God seems to confirm the things that we already want to be confirmed, and disavow the things we want to have disavowed. Again, quite convenient. And with so many different beliefs and views in the world, this higher force must have a few billion different, equally strong, equally conflicting opinions. Seems plausible.

For instance:

Do you hate gays, liberals, democrats, or fictional children's books with a flaming (pun) passion? I bet your God hates them too.

Do you feel that the highest virtue in life is to love all people, all the time, everywhere? I bet your God loves everything too.

Think that you're a good person? I have a feeling your God has created a personalized super-awesome-happy-place for you... after you're dead.

Think that Terry is a awful person? Yep, your God feels that way too, and probably created an all-bad-all-the-time place just for Terry... after he's dead.

Like anchovies? Because your God loves 'em!

Hate anchovies? God finds them an abomination!

Do you enjoy gardening?

Well, in that case, I have a house warming gift for you.



Related blogs:
The Inefficacy Of Prayer
All Truth Is Relative... And Equally Not
The Feel Good Fix
Self-Perception: What A Beautiful Thing!

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Tags: god religion spirituality personal personify projection sarcasm philosophy psychology christian believe belief

Artistic Integrity And The Dichotomy Of Success

I've been dealing with the concept of art and music a lot lately and I'm feeling compelled to share some of my thoughts, as they actually pertain to my current situation.

Let me know what you think (in cursive only).

A CAREER IN MUSIC

I recently met up with an old elementary school friend of mine for drinks and coffee. We had, what I considered to be, great conversations and I thoroughly enjoyed the get together.

As we are both musicians, it's only logical that music would be a topic. And it was. (See, told ya).

My opinions on music, and music as a career have evolved quite a bit since I was the rapscalion of yesteryear, so it's always interesting for me to see where others are in their personal perspectives.

Well, my elementary school friend wants to make an album that will really sell and appeal to a lot of people.

Understandable from a particular point of view, sure.

He said that he does not want to write a bunch of crap, he still wants the music to be good, and represent him and his voice, but he wants people to like it right away.

If you're curious, this would be his very first album.

Unlike me, he believes that he can be successful in music, still, in this economy, and with the business crumbling all around us. Obviously he is much more of an optimistic than I.

So that is, or seems to be, his current philosophy. And more power to him.

But it has not been mine, at least so far.

PHILOSOPHIES ON ARTISTIC EXPRESSION

I said already that I do not agree with him on this point. So what do I think?

(You can stop holding your breath now, here comes your full release of opinion).

My perspective is this: If I'm going to make the choice to put effort into a project, it might as well be the thing that I personally would want to hear, and not compromise what I feel is the core of the art.

There are already an abundance of sub-par to shitty albums out in the world put out by bands who don't give two shits about creating actual art. Why would I possibly want to contribute to the ever growing waste pile by putting out pandering to mediocrity?

Art, and purity of art has been important to me for quite a while. Some say it's bullshit, which is no skin off my back (fuck! My back skin just came off!!!). That's just what I care about.

To me putting out something into the world that has the potential to be emotionally impactful, intellectually stimulating, does not condescend to people, has purpose or a cause or message, and speaks something personal is much more worth creating (and worth listening to), than something that is designed purely to make money.

Is there really a difference between the two?

I definitely think so.

I've heard people say that if your art does not piss some people off, you're doing something wrong.

Or that art that everyone likes must be garbage.

That's a fairly extreme view, and very similar to the artist character from my house party blog. But is there some truth to that?

Again, I think so. If the goal is communication of a feeling, thought, or concept to an audience, the impactful, most creative, most cutting edge ideas will never appeal to everyone on a large scale. And that's okay.

THE DICHOTOMOUS CAREER IN ART

A career in music is quite different than a career in art I would argue. And just so we're clear, I'm using the word art in a broad sense meaning an all-encompassing creative project, not literally, as in a painting of Elvis.

Here is the flaw, and where money and art collide.

Generally, when people speak about art in the big picture sense, they are considering qualifications like the purity of the art, freedom from compromise, and the ability to create whatever is in their imagination, not beholden to traditional restrictions of contemporary styles, tastes, or conventions. Literally the freedom to create what you want because you believe in it.

Take that philosophy to heart when considering a career in music.

Let's say you have a successful debut album, and many people enjoy what you've done. Great. (Unless it was shitty, then not so good). Now it's time to make album numero dos.

Let's pretend that you care about artistic expression, and want to diversify and do something more experimental on your next record, because that's where your heart is. (Some say it's at home. But that's where you hang your hat).

If you release that new, different record to the fans, the ones that wanted more of what you've done before, you run a very high risk of alienating your fan base, and not making any money from the album. Sure it could be a hit, but the odds are against you.

Since your career path is music, and only music, that is where you need to make your money, so being overly artistic and pioneering is actually a bad choice from a business perspective, yes?

In order to make money, you need to run your music like any other product and try to directly appeal to the consumer by making what you know they already want, not showing them something they did not know existed.

Therefore to have your financial well-being directly and solely tied to your art, you have to, by definition, compromise your art so that it will sell to as many people as possible to sustain the career, thereby negating the entire philosophy of art being pure personal expression.

Sadly art as a career rarely happens. And when it does, it's luck my friends. Pure Luck. (But thankfully, not that shitty movie with Martin Short).

SELLING OUT

When I embarked on this long complicated journey five years ago that would culminate in my soon to be released (as of 8/09) 3rd album, I was working with a friend of mine, and great musician to bounce early ideas off of, or to help in developing some guitar riffs and melodies to complement my initial piano progressions.

In the beginning, I explained to him my loose road map of what I wanted to do with this album. I wanted to challenge myself from nearly every aspect this time: longer songs, more changes per song, more complex instrumentation, more unexpected chord changes and melodies, and something that really told a cohesive story musically from beginning to end.

Those are big shoes to fill for sure (I'm size 11), and whether or not I accomplished that goal for the album is not up to me.

The point being that from the outset, my musician friend was all gung-ho about the direction and style. It left him ample room to throw out suggestions that may have seemed to avant-garde in the past, but were completely valid in this new territory. At least that is how I felt when composing.

Half a year later things had changed. Not for me, mind you. (Are you minded yet?)

I could tell he seemed less and less interested in working on the style and direction of the album I was developing, and soon he began suggesting an entirely different idea.

I'll have to paraphrase as I don't recall exactly what was said. But it went something like this:

"Hey man, I've been listening to a lot of more simple music these days like [band name] and [other band name] and that's really the kind of thing that I feel like I want to be doing right now."

I conceded that I also liked one or both of the bands he mentioned, and had no problem with more simplistic music in general (assuming it's still melodic and subjectively good), but that this current album of mine was designed to be a particular style and feel. Simplicity would have to wait for another project, as this one was supposed to be the antithesis of that.

He appeared to accept my defense of the current project, but immediately tried to convince me to do something he knew I had argued against in the past.

"Yeah, I'm just not into the really progressive stuff right now though. I was thinking about this a lot lately and if you wanted to do another band that was just really simple, really super catchy music, I'd be all for working on that."

I raised an eyebrow, as this was coming from the same person who was so enthralled and excited with pushing and expanding our musical preconceptions just a few months ago. But I kept listening to his idea.

"I just feel that you could write some really good poppy stuff if you wanted to, and we could totally make money off of that. People like the really commercial-sounding music. Just look at what's going on. All that complex, musically progressive stuff just won't sell, save for music students. You have to please the people. You can't just write whatever artsy thing you want for yourself."

I can't write what I want for myself? What happened to you my friend? What happened to the guy that made emotional, artistic music an important pillar in his life? The one who wrote songs for himself, because he was moved to do so? The guy who cared about the beauty and integrity of music, regardless of the style or genre it was written in?

Looking back I know that some of his shift in priorities stemmed from his frustration of getting close to thirty and feeling like has not done anything with himself. (I'm in a similar boat right now, in some ways). He was feeling that if we simply gave into the current musical trends, and fucked our previous notions of music as genuine art, that we could instantly have a successful career path in the business.

Is it possible?

Perhaps.

But it is not in any way, shape, or form what I want.

A MATTER OF PRIORITIES

As you may already see, it all depends on what your goals are with that particular project.

Is your goal to create the thing that most reflects your personal perspectives, no holds barred?

Or is it to be tranditionally successful?

I can tell you that while being successful doing what my old guitarist advocated might initially be exciting and/or monetarily fulfilling, I would soon come to regret my choice of direction, and would become bitter (sorry, more bitter) and dissatisfied with it.

It all comes down to what your priorities are. Is traditional success (money and fame) your top priority? Great. Go get it. Write a bunch of songs with the aim of pandering to a mass audience and enjoy it. Honestly, best of luck to you.

However those are not my priorities, and have never been.

In my mind, most paramount of all, is the creation of music that is personal, emotionally expressive, and imaginative. If it does not fulfill those basic criteria for me, then I see no reason to do it (unless it is a specific project like a comedy skit, or a song about making fun of goth kids).

I will say the downside of focusing on art over accessiblity, is that you run the high risk of only appealing to a small group of people, or even no groups of people.

But if that does not conflict with your priorities, so be it. I'd rather look back and be proud of what I offered unto the world, than be embarrassed for something I did on purpose.

CONDESCENDING MUSIC AND CHALLENGING ART

One of the comments I received from my elementary school friend about the music on my new album, is that it is rather challenging. Basically, it's not one of those albums that you like instantly on a first pass listen, due to the fact that thre are so many parts per song, and way too much to absorb right away.

I acknowledged his observation, saying that most people who have given it a few listens have ended up really connecting with it on a personal and emotional level. But it took some time.

So is that bad? Is that good? Let's get some more opinions stat!

I have always enjoyed music that did not assume I was an idiot. I have developed a hatred of music that talks down to me, using overly-simplistic, tried and true, run of the mill melodies and chord patterns that have been used for half a century, and lyrics that were written by a thirteen year old who is new to concept of poetry.

That is what I call condescending music. It assumes your audience has the IQ of recent road kill, and the depth of a rotting beet field. Sure, many people embody those traits, but not everyone does.

I don't like being treated like a child wearing a helmet, so I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt (when it comes to appreciating new music and art that is).

I believe that it's okay to challenge people. It's okay to ask something of your listeners. It's okay to make people actually think about something for a while.

What you put into it, is what you get out of it.

Some of my favorite albums of all time, I did not really care for upon a first listen. "Hmm, I don't know," I remember thinking. "I liked a few parts here and there, but I'm not really loving this album. Maybe I'll try it again later."

And luckily, I did try it again later. And eventually, with each successive listen, I discovered more and more that I had not heard before, and also more and more that I really liked. Now I love them, and put them on a list of best albums of all time.

It was because I put effort into understanding and absorbing those initially challenging albums that I ended up feeling more connected to them in the long run. I was rewarded for my effort with a deeper intellectual and emotional connection to a piece of art.

THE FINAL THOUGHT

So that's how I feel. I care about music as a form of artistic expression, even when many do not, and would rather put out something that I truly believe in, that may never sell, than make money off of something that is only contributing to the continual dumbing down of popular culture.

Too extreme? Do these opinions hold any weight?

Weigh in.


Related blogs:
Existentialist Artist And Drunk Evangelist part 1
The Death Of The Album And The Death Of Music

Enjoy reading this blog? Please socially bookmark this page, or post it on your Facebook, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

Visit the all new DeprecationWear online store! Sarcastic, self-deprecating and elitist merchandise. Click HERE to see my wares!



buy unique gifts at Zazzle

Tags: art artistic integrity music philosophy selling out perspective priorities beauty pure