Soul Mates

In my youth, I used to lay in bed and imagine epic movie-like scenarios in which I would suddenly encounter The One. The stunning, beautiful, intellectual, creative and perfect vision of a women who would make everything in my life meaningful and amazing.

For years I kept hanging on to that fleeting, seductive notion, only to find myself in an ocean of disappointment and heartache.

But the idea lives on in many of us to this day.

What causes us to become so fixated on one person? To feel for someone so intensely that even the most beautiful person imaginable could walk by, and you would not notice.

What better way to illustrate the way people feel regarding this topic than to share my own personal story, by getting uncomfortably naked, vulnerable and open about one particular girl from my history.

Are you ready?

Let the awkwardness begin.

A CHANCE ENCOUNTER

I first met January while registering for 9th grade. She was absolutely beautiful and seemed to radiate an intangible aura of mind perfume, to which my olfactories were perfectly tuned for. I did not know it yet, but from meeting her that first day, I was already in love. (I know. "Love" at age 14. How profound).

During a few classes together, I finally got up the courage to begin chatting with her, found out we had some things in common, and soon I had her number and was talking with her almost every night. (A bit much you might say. Correct. At this point I had not learned the adage, "absence makes the heart grow fonder.").

My own interpersonal experience was barely even nil (if that), and my immaturity only matched (at least I was coordinated). Through a series of stupid (or maybe just pathetic and inexperienced) words and actions (which I'll probably make a separate blog about, so as to dwell on my embarrassing moments forever), I made inadvertently sure that there would be no chance for romance between us.

Why?

In essence, I was young, naive, and had no concept of the word "subtle". I'll just leave it there for now.

Time passed, and she began dating a guy who she would eventually spend almost a decade with. They seemed happy, and were joined at the hip. (Strangely, the very spot I wanted to place reservations for). Needless to say, I was pretty disgruntled, confused, hurt and depressed.

There she goes, the most beautiful, amazing, intriguing girl I'd ever known, and... there goes the guy she's dating. I had a secret almost-hatred for him. I say "almost" because I really did not hate him. I hated myself for being a fucking pathetic unlovable, socially-awful relationship-miscreant.

My last ditch effort was to write a song for her (typical huh?). However, I never got to know what she thought of it, because just as she was about to tell me in class, I chose to be an idiot (yet again) and ignore her out of jealousy and spite (yeah, that will make her like you! Good one Niko. You're a genius).

What a dumbass. I want to fucking punch myself in the nuts.

A NEW OPPORTUNITY?

After high school, I had a run-in with her at a company party for a local recoding studio. She was apparently single (one of the numerous times she broke up with, then later got back together with her high school boyfriend). For some reason, she displayed strange verbal, and even body language signs that she was possibly a little bit interested in me.

What? Why? I don't understand.

I was intrigued and confused by her behavior, and I did manage to grab her cell phone number just in case.

As it turns out, she was going to college in Boulder at the time, and coincidentally, so was my high school chum-dude-pal-bro Brian. Well, what a perfect opportunity to go down to Boulder and see her right? I'll grab Brian, and that way it will feel super casual. Man I'm smart!

I picked up Brian and found the house she was staying at. Unfortunately the conversations this time were hard fought and awkward.

During the conversation I found out that she was indeed dating someone else, which crushed my little pointless heart, and put it in an air-tight tin can with its own juice/blood.

I left disappointed.

Nothing more became of it.

Until...

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

A few years later I got an email for my band promoting some local online radio station that wanted me (the band) to send or upload music to their site.

I read the email with only vague interest, as there was probably a fee involved, but then happened to glance at what name was listed as the reply contact.

Yes.

It was her.

There could be no question, as she has a very memorable, and somewhat unique full name, which I doubt I'll see anywhere else. (unless I write it on my computer screen, in which case I'll see it quite frequently).

I replied to the business email asking if it was indeed her, and what do you know.

What a strange coincidence don't you think? What are the odds that a random online radio company would send my band an email, and it would re-connect me to my high school love. (Me being in love with her, remember. Not us being sweethearts).

There must me something to that, right? Or so we'd all like to feel.

THE ALMOST DATE

Once I had begun emailing her, we decided to get together (probably more like me asking her). She seemed interested again, somehow, so I looked forward to my first opportunity to have a legitimate date with her (an opportunity I did not fuck up ahead of time by being an immature socially-inept romantic moron).

Overall the date was fun. We went out on the town seeing some live music and checking a few of her favorite bars. Just being with her felt wonderful. Most of the time I'd imagine what it would be like to look at her and know she was mine.

*sigh*

I'm a loser.

So...

At the end of the night, I was going to drop her off at her apartment, and maybe talk some more there, but before I can suggest that, she asks me to drop her off at her old high school boyfriend's apartment.

Huh?

I looked at her strangely, not understanding the situation.

But being the good little boy, I do, though thoroughly confused, as I thought we were on a date, and she was single. (recap. No, and no).

I can remember dropping her off, with a sad look of "you lied to me" all over my face. She looked at me with a hint of compassion and realization, and quietly said, "I'm sorry."

Boy am I a delusional dumbass. So much for that positive evening, Niko.

For better or worse, after our hanging out, she got a job offer and moved to New York. She called me a bit during the move, then we both got busy and conact again fell away.

But...

COMING THIS CLOSE

Years later, after breaking up with my last girlfriend, I received a comment on Myspace from her saying happy birthday, (yes it actually was. Birthday I mean, not happy) and a few more pleasantries. Nothing over the top, but still it was nice to hear from her.

We began sending long involved emails to each other both detailing our recent breakups and the lessons we were learning about ourselves and people. Strangely similar. Uh oh, you know what that means...

Soul mate.

Soon we were talking on the phone, at first once a week, then slowly more frequently. We would have wonderful three hour conversations about relationships in general, our ex's, and our personal views and growth from it all.

I did my best not to repeat the behavior of the immature child from high school and tried to act more casual and nonchalant. And it seemed to be working.

Maybe too well.

As happens all too often for me, I found myself drifting into advice counselor mode, on all manners of subjects for her. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching and sharing my knowledge with others if I feel like I'm benefiting them, but the danger of this is that this kind of social interaction immediately puts me into the dreaded "good friend" category.

Fuck. I always do that to myself.

Finally realizing that I was already far into the "advice buddy" realm, I tried to help the situation by sending her a nostalgic memento she could keep on her desk at work, reminding her of me. It was actually pretty clever, if you ask me, referencing something between only us from high school, and tying it into the present. I was happy with it. And according the voicemail she left me after receiving it, so was she.

Very much so it seemed.

It seemed indeed.

She began calling me more spontaneously, which of course, made me feel quite nice in my tummy, and our conversations were still very enjoyable. But also very friendly. And only friendly. No flirty comments, or little hints of attraction anywhere.

Then I found out that she had just recently met someone (like really recently) and she was curious to see where it would go.

Heart.

Shattered.

For.

Billionth.

Time.

I did not want to hear that, but I tried to stay calm and cool. Yet I could not keep it up. Talking to her was now too painful for me. I had to make a decision.

So I wrote her an email laying it all out.

I explained that I'd felt something very strong for her since I met her, and have no desire to be just the good friend who only counsels her on her new relationships. It was unfair to me and how I felt. I explained to her that I could not keep up the contact anymore, due to my emotions.

If she ever felt like giving something a try between the two of us, by all means. But until then, I felt it was best for me not to not talk to her anymore.

So I ended it.

It took everything I had.

MORE THEN COINCIDENCE

I had someone tell me, upon hearing this whole back story, that they thought there was something to our "connection". He told me that he "felt" that there was "something there" and, because our encounters become closer and closer to materializing in something concrete, he figured that in a few years our paths would cross again. But this time for real.

Boy that sure sounds nice doesn't it? And why would you not want to believe something that makes you feel like there is something wiser than you at work underneath it all? Something that could magically connect you with your ideal person in life. That you are destined for love.

I want to believe it with all my heart (the parts of my heart that are not jaded, bitter, broken and canned by Del Monte). But I can't. And I won't.

It's just not true folks. Believing something because it sounds great does not make something real. And above all, it makes no sense if you try to base it in logical reality. And that, as you may have gathered, is the way I want to live my life. As close to what reality actually is as possible. I'll save imagination and fantasy for my art, where it belongs.

THE REALITY OF SOUL MATES

So is January my soul mate?

Nope.

To this day I feel something very strong for her, this much is true. But I have no idea why, still, after years have passed, if I see her photo in an old yearbook or online, the feelings return. It makes no sense. And it pisses me off. I don't want to be in love with her anymore. It's a useless feeling that will never come to fruition.

As much as I wanted to believe it in my younger years, the concept of a soul mate holds little water.

We base all of this on our intangible and random emotions, equating what we feel to be representative of what is real.

Take small towns for example. People can spend their whole lives in one small town, fall in love, marry and have a family, only with the selection of people in that small town. What are odds? If there is only one true person for you, than shouldn't they be dispersed randomly over the whole world? Most people would never find theirs, as he (or she) would be living in Australia, and she (or he) would be in Japan, India, or Iceland.

Think of how many times you've formed a strong bond, romance or connection with someone in your life. Is each of those people a soul mate? Just one? How could you tell?

By and large, the seductive yet nearsighted concept of a soul mate implies far too much new age spirituality for my tastes (any is too much for me). It implies fate, destiny, divine intervention and probably even an afterlife where you may have even known each other (a beforelife?). Again, makes no logical sense.

As much as we would want to believe that there is that one true amazing love out there for each of us, in reality there are likely thousands of people we could be compatible with all over the world, just based on percentages. And to me, those odds are far better for personality compatibility, than the almost futile, yet romantic prospect of searching six billion people for The One.



Related blogs:
A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!
Run-in With The Beautiful People
The Lust Complex

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Tags: love relationships soul soul mates fate destiny meant to be philosophy psychology