Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Link Between Sports And Religion

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Sometimes inspiration for an observation about how we think and believe, comes from seemingly trivial sources. In this case, Facebook.

A fun, and unexpected series of connect the dots led me to answer the following question:

"What could possibly be similar between sports and religion?"

You'll have to read on to find out...

SPORTS

Quickly glancing through Facebook posts during any sports season, I see a million pro-Broncos posts (yes, very good, I'm in Denver) and many other anti-Raiders and Vikings (fill in the rest) posts, or, depending on the time of year, pro Rockies, Nuggets and Avalanche.

"We're going to kick [rival team's] ass!!"

"I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate [random rival team]!!!"

The same is expressed in person.

...Well not TO me, but around me.

I see and overhear, quite often, people getting very worked up about their team, while talking negatively about "hating" a rival team, and wanting terrible violent things to happen to them. (very sportsman like).

Most everyone knows I don't give a shit about sports by now. But what does interest me, is why people are drawn to the team they like. (It's the colors right? Hey! Now I get why people like sports so much! Look at those awesome colors go!!!)

What became quite obvious, was the fact that most of the time, people do not actually choose the team they want to like. It is already chosen for them.

"Huh?"

Seriously. Did they spend days and weeks, combing through player stats, backgrounds, personalities, watching highlight reels (or reading Highlights magazine), and deducing which team really was the best, BEFORE choosing to cheer for that team?

Is there really a best team?

Well, one team will win the super bowl each year, but over time that team will change.

People seem to be unaware of the idea that they have not consciously chosen the team they become so passionate about, even when they cover their walls in Fathead posters of groin-bulging players and carnivore-logo'ed helmets (carnivores, you know, because they are aggressive predators, which makes them, you know, cool. I'd like to make a new team someday, with the logo being a smiling non-threatening grandmother next to a few blades of grass with motion lines. INTENSE!!!).

Sorry. Digression.

With so much passion and interest rooting for your team, it may come as a surprise that liking that team was not a choice at all. In fact, it may be completely subconscious and, in a sort of orwellian-sounding-way, programmed into you.

"WHO IS YOUR DADDY, AND WHAT DOES HE DO?"

As I thought about people's excitement for particular teams and passionate "hatred" of other teams, not being a fan of any of them, it seemed rather odd. And silly. (Mostly that).

Again, was one team objectively more "hatable" than another?

Some teams do not play as well as others, sure, but over time that can, and often does turn around with the addition of new teammates and coaches.

So why one team over another?

How do we "choose"?

I smiled when I saw the correlation between how one is raised, and what one tended to think, feel, and want.

Our upbringing plays a hugely significant role in shaping us as individuals.

In fact, a lot of what can make a romantic relationship work between two people can be a similarity in the way they were both raised, cared for, and encouraged as children. (Interesting eh?)

So, if your parents were big Broncos fans, what is the likelihood that you will become a Broncos fan?

Fairly high, my friend.

Such is the power of influence, especially at an early age.

Everything your parents do, say and think is right. They know everything.

If they tell you that "the president is an idiot," well, not knowing anything about politics, and not knowing how to research facts on your own to come up with a unique opinion, you might take your parent's statement to grade school, and tell all of the children that, "the president is an idiot!" with strong conviction.

Do you know why?

No.

But it does not matter to you.

After all, your parents told you that, and your parents do not lie.

DAD: "The Redwings suck! GO AVALANCHE!!!"

... SEVERAL YEARS LATER...

CHILD: My opinion, which I came to on my own, is that the Redwings suck. That's my PERSONAL opinion.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Obviously, people can make up their own minds about things, and do all the time.

As I paced around my room thinking about the influences that bring us to like one team over another, I thought it kind of funny that one of the main factors that likely influences your choice of team is simply location.

More than likely, you cheer for the team that represents your region, state, city, or college.

Though it is usually emblazened on the uniform of whatever team is playing, we have a tendency to ignore the significance of the location of the team, as being one of the primary factors in what gets us to feel part of something.

Seeing people post online about "GO THIS TEAM!!" and "THAT TEAM SUCKS!!!", I began thinking how different things would be for those same individuals if they had just been born in a different place.

If they are a Denver Broncos fan now, one would assume they live in Denver, or at least somewhere in Colorado. But what would happen if they'd simply been born, and then lived in another state, perhaps, I don't know, say, Wisconsin.

Would they still be a Broncos fan?

Probably not. There would be no reason to be. It would be like rooting for the enemy, for the outsiders. And one thing we don't do is root for is the suspicious, thieving, filthy, evil outsider.

They would be a cheesehead, a Packers fan.

Simply by changing where one is born and where one lives, changes very strong opinions about their personal passions.

We'd all like to think that we make a conscious decision to like what we like because it is the best choice. Unfortunately, we are much more subconsciously malleable than that (by the way, that means shapable, like clay. You're welcome).

All that passion and hatred for another rival team would probably be completely different if your parents had liked another team, and if you'd been born in another place.

So much for objectivity in what we feel and think, eh?

Location. Crazy.

Things suddenly don't seem so clear cut anymore.

WHERE IN THE WORLD....?

Take that same principle about location within a geographical area affecting your personal "choice" of teams, and let's move it onto the world stage.

Now let's imagine that hypothetical person who could easily switch their deeply-ingrained passion for the Broncos, just because of being born in another state, and move them to another country. (All expenses paid!)

No... being born there.

Now a big part of that person's former identity as a football fan, would now be morphed into their identity as a... football fan... but actual, literal football this time. Or for us Americans, Soccer. (Or for those in the deep south "Gay Foot").

American football is pretty much isolated to, you guessed it, America.

However European football is a phenomenon all across the world. (Which why I should not call it European. Whoops! Too late).

By being born overseas, the Bronco fan in another life could now be a Manchester United fan, with all the same passions, feeling of "choice", and hatred for rival teams they possessed before.

The more something stupidly-simple like location is examined as an influence in who we are, what we think, what we care about, and how we behave, the more I come to question how much of myself has been intentional.

And that starts to upset me.

How much of how I see myself, my values, my morals, my interests, my humor, and more are simply products of where I live, and how I was raised? Two things I have no control over.

Humbling stuff.

And then, as I sat down for my morning porcelain meditation, thinking about how sports fervor was entirely subjective and based upon upbringing and location, it struck me...

This sounds very familiar.

What else does this sound like?

Ah, yes. Of course.

RELIGION

Several of my more religious friends, along with countless religious people on Youtube, will often post that Jesus Christ, and The Holy Bible is the only way to truth.

That Jehovah/Yahweh/Jesus' Dad is the one true God.

They will put up quotes and defenses, and passionately proclaim their love of their faith.

At one point in my life, I would have wanted to post offensive, yet humorous replies to them, just because I'm that needy for attention (I did some of that in high school). Now, I'm more interested in the influences that bring us to believe one thing over another thing.

Is it stronger evidence for one belief over another belief?

Is it that one faith makes more logical sense than another?

Is one simply objectively true, while all the others are false?

And if so, how would we know?

"WHO IS YOUR DADDY, AND WHAT DOES HE DO?"

Hmmm... Deja vu...

As I thought about people's enthusiasm for their particular faith, and passionate "hatred" or "villianization" of other faiths, not being a believer of any of them, it seemed rather odd. And silly (even more so this time).

Again, was one belief objectively more "hatable" or demonstrably wrong than another?

Some beliefs are not as popular as others, sure, but over time that can, and often does turn around with the addition of new religious leaders, time and influence.

So why one faith over another?

How do we "choose"?

I smiled again when I saw the correlation between how one is raised, and what one tended to think, feel, and want. It worked here too!

Very interesting...

As I said, our upbringing plays a hugely significant role in shaping us as individuals.

Especially when we are young, our parents are infallible. They know everything, and never lie.

If your parents attend a Lutheran church, and bring you along every week, odds are you will probably be a Lutheran. (No, not always, of course).

One telling thing I noticed from browsing online dating sites, is that many women say a similar thing when given the opportunity to say something about their religion. (Sorry, I did not check the guy's profiles, but it's probably similar).

"I was raised Lutherian"

Or

"I was brought up Catholic"

Not "I AM" this or that.

I was "RAISED" this or that.

Notice that the question they were answering was not, "What belief were you RAISED with?"

A subconscious giveaway, I think. (I love that stuff).

Most people do not choose what they believe (at least at the beginning), but I have to acknowledge, out of fairness, that many do (usually much later in life).

Not every Lutheran family will spawn Lutheran children, just as not every Broncos-rooting family will spawn Broncos fans. When people get out into the big bad world for themselves they have an opportunity to consider new points of view, new beliefs, and new ideas.

Some will change their mind, many will not.

But looking at the number one answer for why most people believe what they do, "My parents are Catholic," it seems to me that that response seems to justify it for us.

Why do you believe this?

"Because she does."

Why does she believe it?

"Because they do."

Well, that's good enough for me! Where do I sign?

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Say, these headlines look awfully familiar...

Location plays a huge roll in determining what faith, belief, or religion you will adopt for yourself.

Though it may seem depressing to chock up such an important part of people's lives to a random event such as where you were born, and were you live, it does not change the impact of the location's influential power. (Its EVIL influential power!!! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!).

For instance, being born in one area of the country might find you deeply entrenched in the Southern Baptist culture, while being born in another puts you squarely into Mormon territory.

In other scenarios, where you were born and how you were raised would see to it that you were an evangelical creationist or perhaps even an orthodox Jew.

So many different variations just by location.

But all of these beliefs are supposed to be true, right?

So does that mean that Truth is relative to your geographical region?

Does being born in a different part of the country change the amount of truth your beliefs will have?

And if one belief is still more true than another, what happens if you are born into a "less true" or worse, a false faith? How would you even know? I mean, your parents believe it, and many other people believe it, how could they be wrong?

Is it all just subjective and relative?

WHERE IN THE WORLD....?

And that's just what's common for America.

Take the oft used example that we love to hate.

We've done a good job of demonizing Islam and Muslim culture. (It's pretty easy really).

After all, it's not like our culture or our faith, so it must be bad. (Yeah! Totally!)

But pretend, for consistency, you were born Saudi Arabia, and suddenly everything flips on its head. (Why that happens is still being tested by top scientists).

Because of your location, and how you were raised, Islam is now the one truth faith, and everything western is now wrong, and evil.

You believe the Qur'an just as strongly as you would have believed The Bible.

You would now likely be militantly against Christianity, the very thing you believed so strongly before, all because of where you were born, and how you were raised. Two things, again, very much out of your control.

And that's just one variation. A few hundred miles this way or that, and you could have been a Hindu or a Buddhist. (Dear God noooooooooo!!!!!!)

(God: Yeeeeeeeeppppppp!!!)

It really starts to seem arbitrary and pointless if it's just ascribed to location.

For a silly example (the best kind), how is this any different from a fiery war based on the prevailing geographical music style?

America hating Mexico because they don't believe that Blues is the one good form of music. Mexico passionately against America for their discounting of Mariachi. Ireland angry at Germany because they have not accepted traditional Gaelic folk music as their one true style, and Russia aiming missiles at Japan for listening to their false J-pop music.

Time for a musical cleansing!

CONCLUSION

Examining the origins of our most strongly and fervently held beliefs, opinions, and passions,  makes me wonder how much of what and who we are is really of our own doing.

And that is not something I like the sound of.

Most of us, myself included, take great pride in our personal opinions and viewpoints, and to entertain the possibility that I'm not as in control of my own decision making process as I want to be, or think I am, is actually quite depressing.

How much of what we feel is really our own idea? How much is just a product of where we live, and how our parents raised us?

As a bigger question, how do we know if what we think and believe is truly our own?

And if something as profound as belief can be influenced by our upbringing and location, is there really anything that is universally true?

I'll leave that up to you.

Wait. Hold that thought... the game's on!


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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Why Do Anything?

Dear god why?!

It is a simple question, but one that seems to rear its ugly head quite often these days for me, and for many of my friends.

Perhaps it may seem utterly ridiculous to you, and if so, just wait a few years until you get to enjoy one of many existential crises in which the very foundation on which you built your knowledge of who you are, and what you want, erode and crumble away beneath your size 7 Keds. (I don't wear those, in case you were wondering).

This is the real question people:

Why do anything at all?

Why?

Any and all things you want to do, or have to do, can be reduced to sub-trivial pointlessness with a series of negative and defeatist probing questions.

With myself, and so many of my friends fighting this battle of bleakness and self-sabotage, I figured it would make sense to give this concept some airing out, and maybe, just maybe, benefit some of you who may be struggling with the same jubilant thoughts.

...Well... Never mind.

After all, "What's the point?"

THE LOGICAL ENDPOINT

Over the course my recent intellectual furtherings ("furtherings" is not a word), I would often take any new philosophical idea to its logical conclusion.

Though I wish it always ended in some brilliant discovery of pure inspiration and fresh-from-the-oven genius, (and not that there isn't a moment of that along the way), it seldom does.

And what is that logical conclusion you may ask?

"So what?"

"Who cares?"

"Why bother?"

"Why even try?"

In my quest for understanding myself, and the world around me, when I peel back each layer of introspection, contemplation, revelation and totally-radical-awesomeness, I find myself at this familiar bottom layer of any idea, which seems to be the most elementary and primitive of all.

You are now on the bottom floor of the proverbial intellectual department store, with the sign reading, "Apathy, hopelessness, disillusionment, and square-tipped Italian leather douche shoes."

The depressing thing is that no matter how much I am able to convince myself of something's importance and relevance, it always ends up back at one of those self-defeating "answers".

Literally anything.

Meaning of life? "Who cares."

Relationships? "What does that matter?"

Career? "So what?"

Happiness? "Pfff... Pointless."

Let's work through some lofty goals to see how fast we get back to square zero.

WHY IS THAT VALUABLE?

My close friend Tommy suffers from the same negative mindset.

During a recent conversation, the two of us began talking about how some people become successful based off of superficial means, like their looks, or their willingness to abandon any semblance of personal, moral, or artistic integrity to make something happen.

Given that the two of us very much care about the art we create (for some reason. Pretty stupid huh?), Tommy contemplated the idea that "perhaps we should follow that path instead?"

My defense was to say that what we do requires actual skill, talent and years of work, thought and emotion to create. And in my mind, that was supposed to be positive.

His reply was simply, "Why is that valuable?"

Well, you see... because... creativity is... I mean art has a way of... well... people get affected by the... by the...

...I don't know.

I've always placed subjective value on things like music, art, creativity in general, and lately, stuffy areas like philosophy and psychology.

They feel (<---- key word) important to me.

But oh how simply they all come a-tumblin' down with the question, "why are those valuable?"

Well, why are they?

Who values them?

And why place such value on something so intangible?

Who is ever likely to experience the things we do?

And why would it matter to them?

Fuck, you're right! It's just a bunch of bullshit. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't seem that important.

It seems almost... *gulp*... valueless.

FOLLOW YOUR PASSION (LESSNESS)

I struggle with this devaluing-mindset-castration extremely often these days.

Finding a reason to continue doing something, damn near anything, is almost a day to day fight. And I'm not a fighter.

Which is why I figured that writing about this topic would be a good idea.

Or is it?

"So why write this article?"

Well, because it's on my mind, and it's something that I, and several of my friends deal with very often these days.

"And why does that matter?"

Well, sometimes just writing about something helps to frame the problem so that it can be worked on, and perhaps this might actually be helpful to other people.

"And you care about that why?"

I enjoy writing about this kind of stuff, and I also like to be able to offer perspectives to other that may benefit their lives.

"...and?"

What do you mean "and?"?! "AND" I get to help people. Well, maybe. Assuming anyone reads it, and connects it back to their own lives.

"How likely is that?"

I guess not very likely. Not many people read this, and some of the ones that do don't seem to understand that the point of telling these personal stories is to bring up a point about human nature, or the world, that they can apply to themselves.

"So why write this article?"

I don't know anymore. It seemed like something that would be a good idea, but maybe none of this matters.

Maybe nothing really matters.

THE ENTH DEGREE

Fun so far, eh?

No, it's not. And I am partially sorry about the gloomy nature of this essay, but it's an important road block that keeps many of us from accomplishing what we are potentially capable of.

For example, maybe you should try to get that promotion at work.

"Well, maybe, it does mean more money, BUT....

I'd probably have to work a lot more anyway, and I already don't like my job, and why would I want to try harder at something that has nothing to do with the person I am, and the things I really care about."

All right then, stay where you are at work. Perhaps you should try to meet someone new then. You know, date a little.

"Why? So I can get into a relationship? Sure it feels good at the beginning, but sooner or later, and usually sooner, one of you is going to fall out of love with the other, or you're going to get your heart broken, or one of you will die, or you'll get into a relationship that's 50 times more awful than just being alone.

No thanks!"

That's only looking at the negative, but hey, if that's how you feel.

What if you just tried to focus on being a little happier then?

"Happiness is for idiots! Only those who are truly unaware, or ignorant are happy. That would mean becoming stupider! Is THAT what you want me to do? Plus, being happy is so substanceless. It's empty."

Damn! So do something with substance then, if that's your thing.

"What's the point? So I do some art, or music, or writing, and no one knows about them, and they never go anywhere, and never affect anyone, and then I die. Sounds real important to me."

Whoa, whoa there Mr. Joyful. Fine, don't do anything then. I was just trying to help out.

"Why were you trying to help me? What does that matter to you, eh? None of the things we do here really make a difference, and if it does, it goes away within a matter of years. When we're gone, no one will care that you tried to help me, or her, or anyone. It won't make any mark. So why even do it?"

Jesus Christ man! You're just no fun to be around. I'm going home.

UNIVERSAL POINTLESSNESS

And just to make sure we cover our bases (in what, I've always wondered), the biggest and most cosmically significant perspectives for apathetic indifference to one's own existence:

DEATH

As I mentioned via use of a "character" above, one of the biggest ways to make anything seem quite meaningless is to throw in, "... and then we die."

Yes, I tell you, post death, no one will likely give two flaming shits about whatever it was that you cared about. And if someone else does care, they'll eventually die too, and then no one will remember you, or anything you did/created/thought/coughed up/ or dry humped.

Our brief stint with being conscious just takes the value out of things like work, entertainment and especially masturbatory pursuits like existential philosophy and psychoanalysis.

Who fucking cares!?

THE UNIVERSE

And if that's not enough, don't forget that even after our deaths, the Sun is going to eventually burn itself out, increase in size to engulf the whole galaxy, and then likely collapse into a black hole, sucking all matter near it into a cozy happy* singularity. (*"happy" void in Milky Way Galaxy during this time).

And if you need more global reasons for insignificance, the entire fabric of the universe itself appears to be expanding and also speeding up. Will it simply disintegrate into a fine ground powder, or will it eventually reverse and suck itself back into itself?

Who knows? Both scenarios are fairly cheery.

Either way, it kinda take the steam out of the things you care about in a given day:

"I'm going to write this book about..."

REALIZATION: You're just a blip on the universal time scale.

".... oh...." *Sadness commences*

REALIZATION: And time itself will eventually unravel.

".........." *Crushing emptiness*

THE VALUELESSNESS OF VALUE


And really, when you think about it, the strange concept that we humans have a need to apply almost anything in our lives with some made-up confines titled "meaning", "purpose", and "value", is completely pointless in itself.

Yes, that's exactly as far as I'm going with this: The idea that we even assign meaning to things is, in itself meaningless.

It's a subjective and arbitrary idea with no real grounding in anything, but it feels so important to us humans.

And it has no meaning.

Dear god man!

Why do anything!?!?

BEYOND SO WHAT


All right, all right.

So things can be examined with a very self-defeating razor, and many things we find important in our lives can be reduced to feeling pointless and worthless.

Nothing really has any meaning or value.

So, again, why do anything?

Because underneath it all we still care.

Even with a million points that tell us how it does not matter in the long run, somehow, it still does.

It's a tautology, but it's true.

We care because we care.

It matters to us, because it matters to us.

I bet that may seem too simple for some of you, but sometimes the answer is facepalmingly obvious.

Through over-analyzing anything with the sledgehammer of pessimistic apathy, we can quickly and easily reach what feels like the bottom of any argument: "So what?", "Who cares?", "What does it matter?".

But given some time to sit with that "conclusion", I often find myself still going back to the things I've written off as pointless and without meaning.

Why?

Somehow, I still care about them.

I do it because I want to.

It's as simple as that.

I keep writing essays, I keep making music, I strive to better myself, and even still search for something as silly as love.

Even though you can dissect any idea, motivation, goal, or priority in your life down to the level of "so what", over time you begin to see that that is no longer the bottom of the barrel. There is indeed another level below that murky, defeatist layer.

And that's the most basic core of desire, or want.

Accepting this premise, even though it takes time, may eventually be able to help you through your own bleak, self-sabotage, when you talk yourself out of doing something new and scary.

"Why is that important? What does that matter? What's the value in that? Who cares? So what?"

You care. That's what.

Deal with it.

Now do it.


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Monday, January 11, 2010

2009: What Have We Learned?

I recapped the most horrible year of my life in a perky little blog, plainly titled, "2008: The Worst Year Of My Life".

I figured simplicity was best in that case.

I spent the beginning of that year feeling broken mentally and emotionally after the ending of a relationship, then took that energy and channeled it into my harrowing near-death due to a sudden incarcerated hernia, and finally sailed smoothly into the winter by almost going completely broke.

But other than that, it was great.

So with my 2008 being so merry and gay, how did 2009 fare for little ol' me?

Well, it just so happens that 2009 marks the first year of The King Of Deprecation, (which is obviously this ridiculous pseudo-philosohpical blog you're reading now) and therefore that makes it easy to go back in time and follow the tumultuous, tear-jearking, and sexual journey through the ups and downs of The Aftermath of 2008.

So, now comes the question.

What have we learned Charlie Brown?

EARLY 2009

The last new year started off with a bang. (silence...)

I ended 2008 by just barely scraping by, still healing physically, mentally and emotionally.

So it only makes sense to hit me again, this time with the drawn-out death of my only companion (yes, sad in itself), my cat of 15 years, Hobbes.

Not the best way to begin the year, I guess I should have planned things differently.

Without my feline friend I was now truly alone, with no one to throw my constant comments and witty asides to while working at home (I really need an Ed McMahon character that follows me around).

A month later I had my biggest set back of the whole ordeal, when I discovered that the dramatic hernia situation that had nearly claimed my life a few moths prior was back, albeit in a much less life-threatening way.

This became one of the lowest points in my entire life.

I felt that I would never escape my own bodily defects, and, though not very logical, my emotions swamped me in the fear that this was to be forever my lot in life: to be broken, and to remain that way forever. Limited, feeble, restricted in almost every aspect of life we take for granted. (All of them).

My birthday that month was slightly less than badass.

My awful outlook on life, fueled by my extreme unhappiness, gave birth to many fascinating (though I'm sure quite depressing and bleak) philosophical conversations about the nature existence.

More than ever before, my mind drifted into constant examination of myself and the world around me, and I discovered that I seemed to enjoy psychoanalyzing people.

During this ever-so-groovy period, I spent much time focusing on two main issues that were quite apparent in my (then shitty) writing.

Love and happiness.

More specifically, why each of those concepts were negative.

I had no love, and I had no happiness, and therefore I had to come up with some pretty over-the-top rationalizations of of my place in life. Not that there aren't downsides and things to take note of with those concepts, but maybe, just maybe (I don't want to jump to conclusions yet) I went a bit too far with it.

My new found outlet and interest in writing about these observations was my only real therapy. As each new idea, opinion, feeling and perspective came to mind, I channeled my miserable mood into a light edition of what some might call 'enthusiam' or 'excitement' or 'slightly-less-miserable-ness' and began to collect them in a notebook in the goal of turning many of them into poorly written blogs.

Great job!

MID 2009

Though my own bodily frailty and my bitter perspective on the world were always on my mind, as the year progressed, somehow I managed to turn my frothing, torturous self-pity into a frothing, torturous self-pity-based series of essays that showcased my personal insecurities and my need to impress others.

(Impressed with my honesty there? 'Cause, you know, that took courage to just come out and be so open about that. I mean, I would admire someone who did that... so... you know... you might... um... ).

During my lifetime, I have developed a strange skill that allows me to adapt my personal pain, hatred, and depression, and use it as a tool to help me forge my creative endeavors. In fact, I became so good at it, that any time I found myself in a new, freshly-minted (still in box) dramatic situation, within minutes I would already be thinking, "Fuck this really sucks! I can't wait to write a song with this emotion!"

And now I applied it to writing.

(See? Look at me go!!)

Though miserable, by the middle of 2009, my mind was now running at a ridiculously high RPM (which was unnecessary given the speed I was traveling at). Every day would bring a new all-consuming thought about myself or those around me, a new perspective about this grand turd we called awareness, and philosophical ramblings that led me to momentary excitement and potential brilliance, only to end up at "so what?"

My personal struggle with the concept of happiness continued, as I tried my best to demonize it (you know, since I didn't have it) in blogs like "I Resent Your Happiness". Also waged was my battle with love in general, with blogs like "(Mis)Perceptions Of Love" and others (which I perpetually shot sniper rounds at from the comfort of my lofty elitist bell tower, while shouting, "you made me play second base!!!").

Though I was really beginning to... to... "enjoy" (please apply that term loosely) writing my thoughts on things, and putting them out into the world as a form of self-reflective therapy, my emotions were building under the surface (this is the same surface, by the way, that was already obviously tormented, rage-filled, and super-depressive. One can only imagine the HIDDEN emotions under that).

The constant, and seemingly hopeless struggle with the medical system, combined with my ever more erratic emotions and über-pessimism about the futile crap-shoot of life, culminated in my darkest period of recent times.

My essay about suicide summed up my whole outlook at the time.

I enjoyed nothing. I looked forward to nothing. I was eternally unhappy.

I really felt that I genuinely had nothing at all. I had chosen the shortest straw, and I could see no good reasons to continue trudging through this pointlessness.

(You know what I should do about that? Dwell on it some more! That will help!).

LATE 2009

So, if you thought contemplating suicide was the lowest point I could get to, just wait until...

Actually, you were right, it was the lowest point.

Obviously I did not end my life, though I really don't recall why not. (There's still plenty of time for that).

Perhaps the reason, or part of it at least, was due to my obsessive focus on finishing my five-years-in-the-making 3rd album "Moira's Lake", for my personal music project Envinity.

When fully engrossed in working on something I love, though I may complain about the work, though I may be stressed out, though I may be tired, I find that I counteract all of my negative emotional mood swings (perhaps not ALL...).

Seeing this in action, I wrote about my new theory that my personal happiness, or satisfaction, is tied very closely to my creative output and productivity.

Hmmm. So is that the key to my depression?

Yeahhhhhnnnnnoooo. Sort of. One of may keys, really.

In September I finally caught a lucky break with my health problems and, after months and months of awful, annoying struggles, managed to get my surgery taken care of.

It was an amazing relief, and one less thing to add to the billion pestering thoughts that greeted me each sun-shiney day.

With that portion of my life 100% fully behind me forever and ever with literally no chance of returning in the future in any way, shape or form, (take a breath in), my mind focused back on what it does best:

Over-analyzing every god damn thing.

When I returned to my blogs, I wrestled with more heady concepts that bothered me, namely spirituality and belief in general, in cheeky essays like Gardening With God, and The Inefficacy Of Prayer.

I inadvertently improved my writing-style and storytelling skills by pushing myself to be more naked and vulnerable in my essays (like in the blog "Soul Mates"), and turned up the scrutiny and self-deprecation on myself. (How could I have turned up the "self-deprecation" on someone else?).

With my mind thoroughly engrossed in finishing my album, and writing new observations on life, I felt, for once in a long while, okay.

Not great, mind you. But "okay" was a welcomed improvement.

Say, maybe I had found the key to my own happiness...

END OF 2009

I was on fire. (FUCK!!!!)

I was monstrously productive (I did a thing), and I was busy all of the time. I would complain that there was not enough time to get every aspect of the music, graphics, writing, editing, marketing, and self-fellatio completed.

My full release came (wow, what's with all of the sudden sexual humor? What does that say about me right now?) on Halloween when, after 5 years of work, I released Moira's Lake to the world (see: a few people on the internet).

Now I could finally relax after all of that... stress... and... okay, I'm getting bored and restless already... really restless and frustrated now... nothing to work on... depression coming back... shit... I thought I had the magical cure-all???!!!!

My big projects had worked wonders to keep my mind focused, and much less likely to dwell on the negative. Now that the projects were done, my mind was free to wander back into philosophical bleakness,  and I drifted into the quite familiar emotional mire.

My "too many to count by now" existential crisis was upon me again, and wrapped me up in a flour tortilla with mixed cheese and chipotle aiole. (Mmmm... actually can I have a side of salsa with that too? Perfect. Thanks).

As I dissected myself further at the end of the year, the essays became increasingly life-focused and philosophical, dealing with the essential questions of existence: who am I? What do I want?

Understanding the nature of my priorities in life was now an important question.

My existential crisis forced me ever closer to the causes of what affects me, and how I react to them. Everyday brought with it a new way to look at myself, a new observation on my behavior, a new revelation on who I really am as a person (usually not flattering, but still fascinating).

Things came to a decidedly uncharacteristic peak when, madly pacing around my apartment one day in search of some understanding of who I am and what I want, it suddenly hit me.

I've never made "enjoying my life" a priority.

Everything up until then revolved around my creative projects, and my happiness took a back seat to the art. In fact, I seemed to sabotage my chances at happiness, just to create more pain, and then vicariously, more art.

This was the person I'd known as "Niko" for nearly half of my life.

I was almost afraid to admit to myself the treasonous thought that, "maybe I want to enjoy my life now."

What a strange notion.

And yet, I think I do.

"What? Enjoy your life? Who the hell is this person?"

At the moment, I'm not sure.

That's for 2010 to decide.

My head hurts.

ABOUT THE BLOGS THEMSELVES

In order to write this post, and also the last blog about my "best" posts of 2009, I sat myself down in front of the computer (so far sounds fairly cut and dried), and began reading through everything I've posted last year.

In my mind, this would be a fun task. I was guessing that I was going to enjoy reading about my mindset and observations during the often frustrating times of spring '09.

What I discovered upon my first few readings, was that I, the very person who wrote these blogs, was having trouble even getting to the end of some of them.

"Wow, that's kind of embarrassing," I thought out loud.

Not the feeling I was hoping for.

Sure I knew that my earlier posts would not be as good, but these were pretty unreadable.

The observation at the heart of each essay was all fine and good –points about honesty, the nature of emotion, and lust– but the writing behind it made me want to fall asleep and dream of molten river of turds.

(I can't tell if that is relaxing or not, I'll have to try it tonight).

My perspective was all off.

There was no personal connection, no emotion, no story, no real reason to care about the notion, idea, or observation contained within the big, intimidating blocks of text.

As I soldiered on, I (thankfully) slowly began developing my writing style into something more entertaining and readable (subjectively speaking of course).

Due to my insecurities as a freshly minted "writer", I felt I had to prove myself to the world by using a constant slew of big words and over-the-top, out-of-place humor. Yeah, that'll make 'em love it!!

(OMNIFUTUANT!!)

What an idiot I was.

Well, perhaps just ignorant of these concepts.

Sure I could throw out some interesting points of view on myself and others (we all have legs), but if there is no personal connection to the idea, why would you give a shit about reading it? (Answer: you didn't give a shit about reading it).

Look at a post from March '09 and then one from October through December and you'll see what I mean. The point being made is just fine, but it's just not told in an interesting way.

On second thought, just take my word for it and only read the newer stuff.

What a difference a year makes.

2009 VS 2008

So overall, how does 2009 fare when compared to 2008?

Well, considering that I was destroyed mentally, emotionally, physically and financially in 2008, losing my cat of 15 years, dealing with a second hernia, extreme bouts of depression, near suicide, and existential crises made for a much improved year!

The setbacks, and personal crises, though awful at the moment, served as a wonderful reference point to learn more about the person I have become (whoever the fuck he is), and the world around me.

I do strongly believe that pain is one of the best catalysts for change, and with that in mind, change I did.

If 2008 was the worst year of my life, than I will officially dub 2009 my year of awareness, says me.

Now the real test is to see if I can begin actually applying these observations to my life, with the goal of, dare I say, IMPROVING IT (wha??!!), and make 2010 my year of implementation.

Well, good fucking luck on that.

Anyone else learn any big lessons about themselves this past year?


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Monday, January 4, 2010

The 10 Best Essays Of 2009

Jesus, have I really been writing these stupid things for a year already?

(Well, actually, since March, so, ya know, no. Not a year. Why I am I doing this then?).

Ah, fuck it.

Everyone loves Time Life's amazing greatest hits compilations!

No... no.... I said everyone.

....EVERYONE!!!

Stop shaking your head.

(Or continue, see if I care... *sniff*)

I figure many of you began to read some of my meandering mind vomit only recently, and in that case you've missed some (I was about to say 'great')... mildly entertaining posts. (And there was one time that something I said was insightful too. I'm like totally serious and stuff).

So with that in mind, I thought it would be wise to assemble (no disassemble!), some of my personal "best" posts (best is a subjective term, as you soon shall see), so that you can relive my anger, depression, and charming insecure smugness all over again!

WHAT IS THE KING OF DEPRECATION?

Some of you who are newer to this blog may be asking, "What is this horseshit I'm reading?" (In fact, many of you who have read for a while as still asking yourselves that).

Good question.

Contrary to popular opinion, my goal is actually NOT to be yet another asshole on the internet who thinks he's "hot shit".

I know, I know. Probably news to you.

In fact, my goal is to get people to analyze their own lives, beliefs and views by giving introspective, sometimes odd, but hopefully entertaining personal accounts of my own observations on myself and the outside world.

You know, stuff no one cares about: philosophy, psychology, self examination.

In essence, life lessons from an insecure, overly-emotional pretentious elitist.

So, I guess you were right the first time:

"Horseshit."

JESUS CHRIST!! FINALLY!! THE 10 BEST OF 2009

Below I've put together my 10 favorite essays from this first year of The King Of Deprecation.

You'll notice (because I just told you), that most of these essays are from the second half of the year, as most of the ones in the first half were too shitty. Or bare minimum 'okay-ish'. Hey, you have to start somewhere, leave me alone.

All right, grab some individually popped kernels of corn, open your fly, and prepare to be... whelmed.

10. The Inefficacy Of Prayer

Likely to be controversial for some, due to my billion reasons why prayer is ridiculous, it still manages to throw in some great humorous moments, like the Trivial God speech, and dealing with prayer in sports.

Good times.

9. Internal And External Priorities

Breaking down complicated approaches to life by putting people into two distinct categories of priorities. Say, does this sound a little too black and white? Yes. Yes it does. Still good observations, and a decent amount of personal examples of my weird perspective to connect with (probably not).

8. Passion Or Practicality?

The first blog I've written that destroyed a friendship! Not that I'm proud of that, in fact I actually feel pretty bad about it. Boy, it just shows how powerful writing these things can be.

I still feel that there are some good insights into how we behave and what we look for in relationships in this essay.

7. The Ebb And Flow... And Ebb

My self examination is in full force, as I search into the very nature of my emotional life, and with it, the natural cycle of our lives. Fuck I'm poignant!

6. A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!

A long rant on the idea that relationships in general will solve all of life's problems. Which, by the way, is fucking stupid. Feel the laughter, enjoy the brutality.

5. The Depression Panacea

A great personal revelation about my own happiness and my creativity/productivity. Perhaps you might be able to get some applicable information for yourself.

I can't think of anything funny to say right now. That's sad. Bitterly sad. Now I'm depressed.

4. Sports Hatred

Probably my most attacking and acerbic post thus far. Perhaps out of the norm, with much less self-deprecation, but all in all quite high-larious and angry. I spend a lot of time making fun of stereotypes in sports fans, like DEBs, and then go "all psychological on your ass".

3. Too Early For Suicide?

Somehow I managed to make a moment in time where I considered killing myself, humorous and entertaining. Oh, and bleak and depressing too, obviously. But in such a lovely, readable way.

2. Revenge Of Jehovah's Witnesses

If any of my blogs this year could earn the review "edge of your seat thrills" it's this one. An epic battle of wits told through numerous movie, novel and video game references. Oh, it also deals with religion, so if you get offended easily, you should work on that.

1. Your Self Projection Has Potential

One of my favorite posts of the year, personally. Perhaps my best so far? A great theory on how we look at others, and how much of what we see in them is really there. (I called my own essay 'great'. I'm not taking it back, even though I know it sounds conceited).

READERS FAVORITES

I really should have put "reader" sans the plural.

(I take that back, I just hit plural!!)

Since one or two people do occasionally glance at the horseshit I write (if only to shake their heads quietly in sadness. Deep, all-consuming sadness), I thought it would be interesting to get some alternate perspectives on what blogs other people found worthwhile (yes, that is a stretch, I get it).

Take it away, two guys who are related!

DANIEL DRINNEN

Touching Death in the Crotch and Hernia 2: A Love Story
These are two of my favorite KoD posts ever. They're humorous and terrifying at the same time, and they do a beautiful job of highlighting how awful the US health care system is without being preachy or pompous (which every other US health care opponent in the world does...). There's no better way to highlight the cause of a problem than by discussing the effects, and that shit is fuckin' proper discussed in these posts, son!

Sports Hatred
I love Sports Hatred because it lets me explore a side of my own hatred of sports that is usually left untapped. I definitely don't like or watch sports, but for the most part they don't "bother" me, per se. Somehow the pure, unfiltered hatred of sports and the people who base their lives on their "team" got me revved up and ready to chastise some DEBs. Mmmm... vicarious hatred...

The Depression Panacea
This was a great entry because it so earnestly discussed and commented on the ups and downs of growing up. It is also rare in that it ends on a pretty positive note! Good lord!

Passion or Practicality
This is a unique post because my favor of it lies solely in the fact that I completely disagree with it. Somewhere along the road of life, people stop caring about opposing viewpoints, and either disregard them or violently oppose them. I totally disagreed with the opinions in the post, and the actions described therein, but it probably made me think about my own perspectives on the subject more than I ever had before. Anything that fosters constructive self-reflection makes Fonzie go, "Ayyyyy!"

You Should Meet My Friend Niko
Possibly the greatest autobiographical fictional conversation I've ever read. It's confident and self deprecating (oh hey, now I get it!) at the same time, and very genuine in its representation of the way people perceive potential relationship candidates. Aren't we all as complicated and difficult as Niko in some form or another? Won't all relationships have to deal with these issues eventually? Of course, but Niko's imaginary "girl just out of a relationship" in this post perfectly embodies the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality of modern dating and relationship building. Again, this post manages to touch and comment on so many different subjects, but never blatantly. If it wanted to, it could totally slip through the door as an "I'm down on myself, pay no mind" blog post. And then it could do some underage drinking and set the toilet paper on fire in the men's room. Oh Blog Post, will you ever learn?!? (Be sure to check the comments section for Niko's Dad's rebuttal conversation, which, in many ways, surpasses the original!)


THOMAS DRINNEN

As a regular "King of Deprecation" reader, I was asked by the paisley poo-bah himself (good ole' Niko) to maybe go back and revisit the 2009 archives and pick a few that stood out to me. That is, of course, if I actually cared enough about his silly little project to do so. Well, to be frank (or john), that sounded like an undertaking too great for a lazy lad such as myself and procrastination won the day(s). But somehow I finally managed to summon enough strength to at least begin my venture down memory lane.

And so it began... January, February... other months.

What I came up with was an understanding that I wasn't going to be able to choose a "favorite" or "series of favorites". Not because they all just blow my mind and certainly not because they all just blow (a reference to the act of performing a blowjob, therefore making it a negative statement... cause, you know, pleasuring a male's genitals is disgusting and no-one could ever enjoy it or find anything attractive about the male gender as a whole) I simply felt more compelled to say something like this instead:

Basically, the KOD blog, for me, is a pleasant moment from time to time where I can abandon the turbulent and often miserable thoughts that are going on in my head in favor of someone else's...turbulent... and miserable... thoughts. In this case, Niko's.

It is a mirror for my own life, a means to help bring clarity to my own perception, opinions and beliefs. Does that mean that every time I read KOD I finish with radiant excitement at how I can relate to everything and it's like "OMG Niko, like, totally gets me ROFL"? No. In fact, in a given article I will agree with a bit here and disagree with a bit there, and it is this very process of critical assessment that provides me with a more clear perspective of what I believe on whichever topic is being discussed.

At times it forces me to realize that I don't have a solid foundation for a particular perspective of mine and it prompts me to solidify my outlook. Other times, it will force me to investigate a thought or topic that I undoubtably wouldn't have even thought of were it not for this here blog-y thingamajigger!

So huzzah to the... um... blog-keep! Keep up the Deprecate-y good work in this, the 2010th year after the birth of our lord and saviour Jesus the Christ!

***

You can check out more brilliance, creativity and hilarity from Thomas and Daniel Drinnen by checking out these pre-approved (by me) websites:
Lo-ku
Urizen
Noetik

WRAP IT UP ALREADY

There you have it folks.

Right there.

Ish.

That should keep you busy for a while, and give you enough personal motivation to finally come to the horrible realization that you will never get this time back.

Ever.

Next week I'll be delving, in detail, into the murky realms of 2009, to breeze through a series of personally-profound, life-altering moments, by compressing them into one super-abridged essay. (Kind of like how the entirety of hundreds of years worth of ancient Roman existence, culture, events, knowledge, politics, economics, society and spirituality can be distilled into one highschool text book).

Toodles.


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Sunday, January 3, 2010

New Year, Absence, And Visual Spifftacular

[EDIT: Looks like I wrote this post too fast. I will forever be tarnished with a stupid spelling mistake in the address of this post! Oh, sweet shame! Why do you taunt me so!!]


Yo, yo, yo biznitches.

So, here we are in another arbitrary cut off point in our man-made cycle of time calculations.

By which I mean 2010.

Neat.

Obviously I took a bit a of a break at the end of the year, but only for the reason that most of you were doing the same. No one does anything.

(Stupid end of year!).

I considered writing a piece on why I don't like Christmas, but decided against it, as it just seemed too... well... too obvious.

"Of course I don't like Christmas, right? What a trite idea." Everyone would expect that from me.

Though, perhaps if I do it in the right way, I might be able to make it work later on. Hmm... maybe.

Otherwise, You may have noticed that I've been "spiffing up" the King Of Deprecation blog. (Please notice. PLEEEEEEEAAAASEEEE. I depend on your Outside Validation for my self image).

I now have a three-column layout which makes things easier to find (which is why I immediately cluttered it up again so you would be confused).

I also added huge social networking buttons to the top and bottom of every post, as I figure these should scream out subconsciously to everyone, "click me!!!". Yes, this is just me trying to manipulate you into helping me promote myself.

(Pretty good eh?)

I have a few retrospective-style blogs I'm working on right now with additional commentary by a few of my readers (see: friends I bribed to help me), and have a bunch more ideas of things to overly-dissect going forward, including some pretty big personal revelations I had about myself at the very end of the year (the goal, of course, is to enjoy my story, then apply the idea to yourself, you see. You know? Self help? Life lessons? Feh! Never mind.)

Thanks for the support, comments, and criticisms.

I'll be getting back into the swing of posting very soon. (Wait. Isn't this a post? So technically, this is "the swing of things" then. Damn it! I'm in the swing already!!!)

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*Falls of cliff*

Hey! If you liked reading this story, would you mind clicking on one of the social icons below, so others can find this too? My condescending thanks.

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