I'm attracted to her. (Well, so far)
She's only a few years younger than I, quite pretty, a decently witty head on her shoulders, spunky, fun to be around, in a relationship...
... Wait, what was that last part?
Shit. She's in a relationship.
... And has a new born.
Ehhhhhh... This is not sounding as good anymore.
So much for that "opportunity" eh? Such is my luck.
Besides, I'm sure she's plenty happy in her current relationship.
... or is she?
What do you say we find out together? (We should hold hands)
CONTRAST CREATES EMOTION
I was admittedly a bit disappointed that one of the few girls I find some spark of interest in, is off the market. Not to mention the kid. (I should not have mentioned that).
So, I took particular interest the day her boyfriend came into the restaurant with their baby.
I watched from afar from behind my laptop, as I pretended to be working on one of my brilliant and insightful blogs for... some site that no one reads.
(No, I'm not a stalker. I'm just obsessive. Isn't there a difference? Please?)
Right away, I was a bit surprised at the boyfriend's jockiness. Not the type of guy I had thought she would be dating. In his defense, not having actually talked with him, he did not exactly look like a super-douche, just, well, as I said. A bit on the jocktacular side. He could be cool. Who knows. (I don't want to know).
As soon as she saw the pair enter the door, she lit up and smiled.
(Damn it. Look how happy she is. I hate other people's happiness)
She immediately kissed and coddled the child, then looked at her boyfriend with a very socially polite smile and simply said, "hey".
No hug, no kiss, just "hey".
I raised an eyebrow.
The boyfriend sat down at an empty booth and placed the baby carriage on top of the table, so that they could admire and lavish affection on the child.
As I kept watching, from my distant, secret lair of social-ineptitude, my eyes couldn't help noticing her odd body language.
The entire time, she stood at the opposite end of the booth, never sitting down with him, not even for a moment (the restaurant was dead by the way), throwing him only matter-of-fact facial expressions, and slight nods while talking.
"Maybe that's just how she is with people", I thought.
Then she turned to the baby with a bright, beaming smile full of love and exuberance.
"Hmmm..." I pondered.
After his meal, she once again hugged and kissed the baby with an affectionate radiance. On his way out, she addressed her boyfriend with a simple, "bye".
Not in a sarcastic way, nor in an "I'm angry at you" way, just, well, bland.
Lifeless.
I pretended to go back to my blog, but instead I opened up a new file and wrote down what I just saw. This suddenly got interesting.
LESS IS MORE
Noticing that interesting display, and feeling particularly saucy, I decided to probe her about her relationship.
So, when we were talking one afternoon at work, I purposely put her on the spot and asked her point blank and calmly, "So, would you say that you have a passionless relationship?"
She flashed through about twenty quick expressions before flustering through multiple half-finished, defensive responses.
"What? What do you... no... I mean, I don't know what you mean... why would you ask that? I don't understand..." she said, with lots of head shaking and facial expression changes.
I reiterated my question, as I had the feeling she knew exactly what I was asking, but was trying to avoid it.
There is something slyly enjoyable about making people uncomfortable with bold questions.
"Is there a lot of passion is your relationship?" I asked again, very calmly with a slight smile.
"Well, I mean.... we love each other...." she said with a confused, yet also suspicious look.
"Thats not what I asked" I said with a smirk.
"What do you mean? I don't... what are you asking?"
She knew exactly what I was asking.
"I don't understand why you're asking me this," she said, as she conveniently walked away to check on one of her tables.
I smiled to myself. So that answers that question.
This was getting to be quite fun. For me, at least.
THE GRAND CANYON
The last straw in my observing her relationship from afar like a creepy stalker, came when her boyfriend, child and boyfriend's family showed up for lunch.
She waited on the table, and everything seemed just fine.
After lunch, the folks and baby took off (I assume the baby drove separately), leaving the boyfriend to hang out at the restaurant.
I just happened to be standing nearby when I caught a quick exchange between the two, something about the boyfriend apologizing for something. I know not what happened, or whether it was a big deal, like calling her "snatch" during the meal (why don't women like that?), or perhaps his parents just forgot to tip.
I never did find out.
Whatever it was, she seemed relatively okay about it, which is good (for them, not as much for me), then he went off to the bar for a beer, and to watch a game, as she continued cleaning up her tables.
And this is where my "hmmm..." becomes, "HMMMM....".
She grabbed some food and sat down in a booth.
No, not with her boyfriend, but with some fellow female servers.
"Maybe he's already gone, that would makes sense," I rationalized.
I did a quick scan of the restaurant, and saw her boyfriend sitting by himself in the lounge up front, watching tv.
HMMMM....
Now everyone has a different way they like to interact, and when you live together, I'm sure the "fun" of seeing the other person is a bit diminished (or augmented or suspended. Strike that, it's a C#dim7). But when she's off the clock, and the person she claims to be in a romantic relationship with is there to see her (why else would he be at that restaurant eh?), why would she stay far away from him?
Later on, she did eventually join him at the bar, but by this time he had struck up a converstaion with a gentlemen about whatever awesome game was on tv (sarcasm), and she sat next to him, not saying a word, silently starring off into space, with the occasional glance toward her boyfriend's converstaion.
Good times. Monday, Tuesday happy days.
READING BETWEEN THE SPACES
It's a series of bread crumbs like these that add up to a loaf. (Not the pinchable kind).
So why is she with him?
From what I've seen, I think I can safely say that they don't have a lot of passion. Since the baby is involved, I'm thinking the boyfriend represents safety, dependability, familiarity and comfort, which is fine if that is what you want.
And maybe that's what she wants.
Yet part of me keeps thinking, "Maybe she just doesn't know what is out there," and by "out there" I am referring to me.
But why would she want to be with someone like me? Do I represent any of those traits? Not really, or at least not in the same ways. I'm guessing she sees me as too weird, strange, silly, self-important, professorial, elitist or something to that effect to be considered relationship material.
Even if she did find some sort of oddly-placed interest in someone as opinionated and self-critical as myself, would I want the responsibility of caring for a child? I'm sure I could do it, but would I want it?
And why am I even making this an issue? Chance for opportunity: zero.
PASSION OR PRACTICALITY?
What this all comes down to is a simple question. What matters to you? What is important in a relationship? True, you don't always have to have only one or the other, but most people will offer MORE of one than the other.
So what do you want?
It's easier to stay in a slightly boring, but easy-going relationship, then it is to look for a new one, or sadly, to sustain the high-energy, super-passionate ones (why do those have to fizzle out so quickly?).
And maybe placing passion as a "must have" on my list will keep me forever searching, and never finding. I guess I'll just have to deal with that.
Now I just need to decide if I want to show her this blog or not. It could bring up some interesting reactions (which is completely worth it), or possibly make things incredibly awkward at work from here on out (not as much).
What do you think?
Ah, fuck it, I'll go for the risk. That's the only choice with any passion.
Related blogs:
Soul Mates
A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!
You Should Meet My Friend Niko
(Mis)Perceptions Of Love
The Lust Complex
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Tags: love relationships philosophy.psychology stalker happy passion passionate practical comfort stability
I can tell you right now she does not want to be in that relationship. She was told by opinionated people who have influence on her, that its the right thing to do since she has the baby.... Considering her age and that shes probably not confident in her own decision making and thought process, she will be in that relationship for another good five years at which point she will probably be totally miserable. Hopefully by then she will be a little more assured of herself and make the decision that makes her happy, and not what everyone else wants.
ReplyDeleteYou, stalker? na.... Insecure king of self deprecation? Now that sounds more like it.
-Edy
Well, I have to go ahead and say that after conferring with my brother (he being one of the recent acquirers of a child) that I can only really agree that she is likely in a passion-lite relationship. Having a child brings about a new dynamic, especially right at first, but ultimately changes the posture of the relationship from the passionate investigation of eachother (which is usually a passing thing anyway) to a strong and highly connected companionship. You have little choice but to become a team, and (although I will admit that from an outside perspective the process does not seem that enjoyable) it's not a bad thing. I would say the one flaw in your assessment is the fact that they have a child together. This is not a light matter to say the least and I feel that in many regards it makes it impossible for us childless folks to truly comprehend the inner workings of their lives. For better or worse, we'll either never know for sure (and be fine with it) or we'll end up with a happy accident (and probably be fine with it as well). So, in conclusion, a passionless relationship? Could be... probably more of a temporary stall in passion if anything though. An unhappy relationship? Not very likely. A loving relationshp? Probably. Would someone like you or I be a better fit for this girl? I would have to say no. When it comes to birthing children, we're all aware of the options. It's probably one of the most heated topics of our age! So if someone has a child, you can pretty much count on the fact that they probably wanted to have it. So, it's my thought, that a quirky, passionate relationship might have suited this girl at one time, but if you/I had dated her and were unwilling or uninterested to take it to the deeper level of companion, partner and parent... than it would have just been temporary. And that's my 2 1/2 cents.
ReplyDelete@Edy
ReplyDeleteHey buddy. I see you're back. Thanks for the observations, I've talked to many people who have taken that path, and now have to "start over" if you will. It may not be her fate, but the possibility is always there.
@Thomas
Good point my friend.
I can tell you this much, and perhaps this does not change your assessment, but she did not plan on having the child, only afterwords deciding to keep it.
But yes, different perspectives on life will create incompatibilities.
Sometimes I just feel that we never really know what else is out there (including me).
NIKO
Part of me wants to say that the fact that she decided to keep the child after the fact does say quite a bit about the quality of her "man" and/or relationship. When something like a sudden pregnancy comes up then it forces both people to really scrutinize their situations individually, together and to scrutinize eachother. If she is indeed a smart girl, as you mentioned, she would have even looked at her boyfriend from a genetic standpoint, as in "Do I like the qualities that he possesses enough to risk having them show up later in my child?" The fact that she decided to keep the kid and make a go of it as a team with the fellow seems to indicate that whatever it is that they had/have was/is probably pretty good! Is it ideal? Well.. who can say? It's likely that for every successful, loving and/or passionate relationship, there is probably a better fit for both people involved out there somewhere in the wide world! Or maybe better is the wrong word, a "different fit" is perhaps more well suited a designation.
ReplyDeleteThat is a decent point. But I still have trouble reconciling your assessment with her behavior.
ReplyDeleteHow would you explain that?
NIKO
Well, the stumbling answer to your question is just about the kind of answer I would expect out of ALMOST anyone being asked such a question all "on the spot" like and out of the blue(?). Myself very much included. This is the same kind of uncomfortablility that causes me to seem guilty of just about every crime imaginable when I get pulled over by an especially "questiony" police officer. I'm not guilty of anything other than speeding, and yet I studder and answer his questions oddly as if I was driving the getaway car in some manner of bank heist. Why? Because the whole situation makes me uncomfortable... very similar to your lady friend's reaction to your question and, in my opinion, very much human nature. As for the rest, well, I have to say that it just sounds like the inevitability of any long-term relationship. Passion doesn't die, it just becomes more isolated and selective. As with any strong emotion, feelings of passion and obsession just can't be sustained at maximum power indefinitely! From the sound of it, it seems like your friend has a level of comfort in her relationship that I could have only dreamed of in my last one. Not that it sounds like perfection by any stretch, but for what it's worth I felt very, very strongly about my last girlfriend and it sounds like this girl's relationship was a lot healthier than mine. Does more healthy mean less passionate, or less interesting... probably... but after a relationship like the one I endured I have to say that it sounds pretty damn appealing.
ReplyDeleteI might have to try this again tomorrow... it's almost 5am and I have no idea if I'm making any sense... Until then, go Broncos!
No, it's not that rambling at all.
ReplyDeleteI think it's interesting that you've drawn that conclusion from what I've written about her.
Same situations, and a very different perspective.
I can see what you mean if I look at the evidence in that light, but it's still hard for me to see it that way (not that you are wrong).
It's probably due to my focus on body language and the like that keeps me in the perpetual notion that she has no passion in the relationship.
We will probably never know the truth, as most people tend to not be very honest about things like that, as they are awkward and uncomfortable to talk about. Plus people are generally not very acurate at giving unbiased evaluations of themeselves (good ol' self-perception at work).
Either way, I really enjoy analyzing it.
NIKO
Well, in fairness you have said the key to the whole conversation in your second line: I've drawn a conclusion from what you've written about her.
ReplyDeleteI'm already one step removed from the actuality of the situation, I have to rely solely on your descriptions to make my own personal analyses of the situation. Basically, I could easily be way off! I'm making an observation of an observation... and here's another one: My generalized view of someone in a long term relationship (for better or worse) would just sort of have me believing that the body language you mentioned could just as easily mean that they are in the midst of a fight or even nothing at all. As for the potential of a fight, that (of course) wouldn't necessarily mean that they had a bad relationship either. As much as both people want to feel like they could never fight with eachother (especially in the first 6 months to a year), it is ALMOST an inevitabilty that comes with any frequent interaction relationship (non-romantic friendships and family relationships included). As I guess I've indicated at the top, I could just as easily be way off.. I could come there, see her with the boy-toy and the baby and come to the same exact conclusions as you. Actually, I was right on board with you during my initial reading. Who knows, maybe I'm just trying to see past my own personal fog of cynicism regarding relationships. At any rate, it has been a hearty meal of thought on my end... albeit second hand food!
I will have comment on Thomass assesment; you keep on saying it was her choice to keep the child.... I will differ in your opinion, by saying what I said earlier "She is not confident in her own decision making, hence the people around her made it for her". Im not saying its bad to keep the child, I am saying its bad to stay in a relationship "for the children". None of it was probably her choice, she was persuaded by those around her to be in her current situation. Hopefully in a few years she will mature enough that she will be able to make her own mind up about the situation.
ReplyDelete-Edy
Is there something about this girl that I missed? I guess my flaw is in assuming that if Niko was even moderately interested in her that she must be somewhat intelligent... When it comes to something as big and life-altering as having a child I, personally, find it difficult to imagine someone with intelligence letting themselves get caught into such a huge commitment because of the opinions and influence of other people. I mean, it's her life we're talkin' about here!
ReplyDelete