The Lust Complex

How many males do you know that would be pissed off that a young woman would have the audacity to call him late at night for sex? Besides myself of course. . .

I've always had trouble separating love and lust into two distinct things. Since as far back as I can remember, which for the record is at least last tuesday (impressed much?), I've always seen these aspects as two sides of the same coin. If I'm romantically interested in someone, then most likely I'm also sexually interested in them.

Another factor that. . . well. . . factors into the equation, is that, for me, in order to be romantically interested in a young lady (or a really, really old one), I have to be, first and foremost, intellectually stimulated. And no, that does not mean rubbing your naughty bits on my brain.

As you can plainly (you need to add fresh fruit) see, with this multi step process, it would make some sense that it is very challenging for me to go from A to F (wink wink wink wink wink wink wink wink wink wink wink) in a single bound.

If you've ever talked to someone before (if you have not, it's overrated), you might come across some similar perspectives on topics of sex, dating and relationships, most of which have nothing to do with my multi-tiered approach laid out above.

A friend of mine epitomizes this perfectly. He has absolutely no problem distinguishing between lust and love. And he has proved that fact more than almost anyone I've ever met. Trust me, I've been kept awake at night  many times by him proving that point.

And that is by no means the odd example. When talking to other, more (not to sound insulting) typical males, I hear very similar conversation topics, and views expressed. Who would "do" what girl, stories of them "doing" one or more girls (and of course, moving on right away to prove their detachment and personal prowess), and more of the like.

I specifically overheard one "gentleman" say, "What I wouldn't give to sleep with her", after a young lady and her friend sat down for lunch. Being more outspoken these days, I quietly told him, "You have no idea what her personality is like, for all you know she could be an awful human being". He looked at me like I was his church-going mother. "I don't give a shit", he replied. "Look at her. I wouldn't be with her for her personality".

Right. Because that would be stupid. Thank god everything we are as human beings is only on the outside!

So as you can see so far, I'm a bit at odds with the majority of males I've met, overheard or observed, in fact, that even holds true for many of the females I've known. This naturally presents complications for me in my . . .  what do you call it? . . .  social life. Being someone that craves intellectual stimulation first and foremost really does not bode well for the traditional dating circuit. Don't get me wrong, (oh shit, am I too late?) physicality is still quite essential to attraction, but after that initial attraction, I tend to dismiss women rather quickly, the very moment I realize that they cannot provide the strong personality, wit, humor, life and self perspective, creativity, and more that I now understand I need. In essence, they no longer appear attractive.

You want a personal story don't you? All right, all right.

I dated a girl on and off a few years ago. After not being in communication for a while we decided to meet up, grab a drink and catch each other up on what we've been doing. Mind you, this was not intended to be an actual date (at least for me), just someone from my past to hang out with and talk to. The conversation went quite well, due to the fact she brought out the side of herself that uses her brain, as opposed to her overtly sexual side, which as mentioned above, is a good thing for me. We said goodbye and went our separate ways (by Journey) and I thought that if things stayed that way, I might eventually be interested again.

I'm sure you guessed that did not happen. Well, next time we met up, she had already been at a party with some friends . . . a party with (get this) alcohol!! Who throws those kinds of parties? By the time she arrived, she was a bit tipsy, and proved it by not being able to focus on the conversation at hand, and continually interrupting me by being overly flirty and sexual.

Now, I'm sure that many of you, at this point, are thinking, ". . . .and? What's wrong with that? If an attractive woman wants to sleep with you, what is there to argue about?"

Let me try. As stated before, in order for me to be sexually turned on, I need to be romantically interested, and to be romantically interested, I need to be intellectually stimulated. That's just the way I'm wired.

What makes the situation humorous in hindsight, is the sort of role reversal taking place. I'm the one who wants to just talk, and she's the one pushing for sex. I'm assuming that is not typical, which is why it makes me smile.

Well, I can't tell you how fast I got irritated with her stupid behavior. Acting like a drunk personified libido, is not my cup of anything, let alone tea, and I directly let her know, and fairly coldly.

"You're really pissing me off right now," I told her point blank. "If this is how you're going to act I'm just going to go home."

She apologized, and tried to concentrate, barely accomplishing the "try". After a few more minutes I was done with the situation and ended the meeting. She even recalled out loud several times that she knew I needed to be intellectually interested (it's not like I did not tell her), and said that she was sorry that she was drunk and not fulfilling that for me.

Now we tie the whole story together with the intro. Ready? I'll start out by saying that I made a mistake last year with her that led me to understand that I don't want to be a "booty call". And it's important for you to understand that she knows this about me as well.

A week or so later I get a phone call at about two in the morning. I was already asleep, and basically slept through the call (basically, meaning I did). In the morning I checked my messages and lo and behold it was her, drunk, right after the bars and clubs closed. I wonder what she could possibly be calling about in that state? Could it be that she wants to debate the existence of a "soul", or talk about how badass Pro Tools 8 is?

Yes!

I mean NO!!

What else would it be? As I opened this story, I was genuinely pissed. Pissed because she should have known better. Pissed because she did know better. Pissed because the idea of doing what she did, drunk or not, showed disrespect to her "understanding" of me. Pissed because we had just talked about this no less than a week before, emphasizing my personal distaste for that type of behavior.

Having a perspective on sexuality like this only makes things all the more complex and difficult to find others that share and value the same things. You could view me as old-fashioned if you want, but if the new fashion consists of continual random sexual escapades devoid of genuine human value, interest, emotion, and depth, you can feel free to call me an "old stick in the mud". (who rarely puts his stick in the 'mud')

Enjoy reading this blog? Please favorite, rate or bookmark this page, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

Technorati Tags: romance relationships sex personal social psychology philosophy humor humour