The Link Between Sports And Religion

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Sometimes inspiration for an observation about how we think and believe, comes from seemingly trivial sources. In this case, Facebook.

A fun, and unexpected series of connect the dots led me to answer the following question:

"What could possibly be similar between sports and religion?"

You'll have to read on to find out...

SPORTS

Quickly glancing through Facebook posts during any sports season, I see a million pro-Broncos posts (yes, very good, I'm in Denver) and many other anti-Raiders and Vikings (fill in the rest) posts, or, depending on the time of year, pro Rockies, Nuggets and Avalanche.

"We're going to kick [rival team's] ass!!"

"I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate [random rival team]!!!"

The same is expressed in person.

...Well not TO me, but around me.

I see and overhear, quite often, people getting very worked up about their team, while talking negatively about "hating" a rival team, and wanting terrible violent things to happen to them. (very sportsman like).

Most everyone knows I don't give a shit about sports by now. But what does interest me, is why people are drawn to the team they like. (It's the colors right? Hey! Now I get why people like sports so much! Look at those awesome colors go!!!)

What became quite obvious, was the fact that most of the time, people do not actually choose the team they want to like. It is already chosen for them.

"Huh?"

Seriously. Did they spend days and weeks, combing through player stats, backgrounds, personalities, watching highlight reels (or reading Highlights magazine), and deducing which team really was the best, BEFORE choosing to cheer for that team?

Is there really a best team?

Well, one team will win the super bowl each year, but over time that team will change.

People seem to be unaware of the idea that they have not consciously chosen the team they become so passionate about, even when they cover their walls in Fathead posters of groin-bulging players and carnivore-logo'ed helmets (carnivores, you know, because they are aggressive predators, which makes them, you know, cool. I'd like to make a new team someday, with the logo being a smiling non-threatening grandmother next to a few blades of grass with motion lines. INTENSE!!!).

Sorry. Digression.

With so much passion and interest rooting for your team, it may come as a surprise that liking that team was not a choice at all. In fact, it may be completely subconscious and, in a sort of orwellian-sounding-way, programmed into you.

"WHO IS YOUR DADDY, AND WHAT DOES HE DO?"

As I thought about people's excitement for particular teams and passionate "hatred" of other teams, not being a fan of any of them, it seemed rather odd. And silly. (Mostly that).

Again, was one team objectively more "hatable" than another?

Some teams do not play as well as others, sure, but over time that can, and often does turn around with the addition of new teammates and coaches.

So why one team over another?

How do we "choose"?

I smiled when I saw the correlation between how one is raised, and what one tended to think, feel, and want.

Our upbringing plays a hugely significant role in shaping us as individuals.

In fact, a lot of what can make a romantic relationship work between two people can be a similarity in the way they were both raised, cared for, and encouraged as children. (Interesting eh?)

So, if your parents were big Broncos fans, what is the likelihood that you will become a Broncos fan?

Fairly high, my friend.

Such is the power of influence, especially at an early age.

Everything your parents do, say and think is right. They know everything.

If they tell you that "the president is an idiot," well, not knowing anything about politics, and not knowing how to research facts on your own to come up with a unique opinion, you might take your parent's statement to grade school, and tell all of the children that, "the president is an idiot!" with strong conviction.

Do you know why?

No.

But it does not matter to you.

After all, your parents told you that, and your parents do not lie.

DAD: "The Redwings suck! GO AVALANCHE!!!"

... SEVERAL YEARS LATER...

CHILD: My opinion, which I came to on my own, is that the Redwings suck. That's my PERSONAL opinion.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Obviously, people can make up their own minds about things, and do all the time.

As I paced around my room thinking about the influences that bring us to like one team over another, I thought it kind of funny that one of the main factors that likely influences your choice of team is simply location.

More than likely, you cheer for the team that represents your region, state, city, or college.

Though it is usually emblazened on the uniform of whatever team is playing, we have a tendency to ignore the significance of the location of the team, as being one of the primary factors in what gets us to feel part of something.

Seeing people post online about "GO THIS TEAM!!" and "THAT TEAM SUCKS!!!", I began thinking how different things would be for those same individuals if they had just been born in a different place.

If they are a Denver Broncos fan now, one would assume they live in Denver, or at least somewhere in Colorado. But what would happen if they'd simply been born, and then lived in another state, perhaps, I don't know, say, Wisconsin.

Would they still be a Broncos fan?

Probably not. There would be no reason to be. It would be like rooting for the enemy, for the outsiders. And one thing we don't do is root for is the suspicious, thieving, filthy, evil outsider.

They would be a cheesehead, a Packers fan.

Simply by changing where one is born and where one lives, changes very strong opinions about their personal passions.

We'd all like to think that we make a conscious decision to like what we like because it is the best choice. Unfortunately, we are much more subconsciously malleable than that (by the way, that means shapable, like clay. You're welcome).

All that passion and hatred for another rival team would probably be completely different if your parents had liked another team, and if you'd been born in another place.

So much for objectivity in what we feel and think, eh?

Location. Crazy.

Things suddenly don't seem so clear cut anymore.

WHERE IN THE WORLD....?

Take that same principle about location within a geographical area affecting your personal "choice" of teams, and let's move it onto the world stage.

Now let's imagine that hypothetical person who could easily switch their deeply-ingrained passion for the Broncos, just because of being born in another state, and move them to another country. (All expenses paid!)

No... being born there.

Now a big part of that person's former identity as a football fan, would now be morphed into their identity as a... football fan... but actual, literal football this time. Or for us Americans, Soccer. (Or for those in the deep south "Gay Foot").

American football is pretty much isolated to, you guessed it, America.

However European football is a phenomenon all across the world. (Which why I should not call it European. Whoops! Too late).

By being born overseas, the Bronco fan in another life could now be a Manchester United fan, with all the same passions, feeling of "choice", and hatred for rival teams they possessed before.

The more something stupidly-simple like location is examined as an influence in who we are, what we think, what we care about, and how we behave, the more I come to question how much of myself has been intentional.

And that starts to upset me.

How much of how I see myself, my values, my morals, my interests, my humor, and more are simply products of where I live, and how I was raised? Two things I have no control over.

Humbling stuff.

And then, as I sat down for my morning porcelain meditation, thinking about how sports fervor was entirely subjective and based upon upbringing and location, it struck me...

This sounds very familiar.

What else does this sound like?

Ah, yes. Of course.

RELIGION

Several of my more religious friends, along with countless religious people on Youtube, will often post that Jesus Christ, and The Holy Bible is the only way to truth.

That Jehovah/Yahweh/Jesus' Dad is the one true God.

They will put up quotes and defenses, and passionately proclaim their love of their faith.

At one point in my life, I would have wanted to post offensive, yet humorous replies to them, just because I'm that needy for attention (I did some of that in high school). Now, I'm more interested in the influences that bring us to believe one thing over another thing.

Is it stronger evidence for one belief over another belief?

Is it that one faith makes more logical sense than another?

Is one simply objectively true, while all the others are false?

And if so, how would we know?

"WHO IS YOUR DADDY, AND WHAT DOES HE DO?"

Hmmm... Deja vu...

As I thought about people's enthusiasm for their particular faith, and passionate "hatred" or "villianization" of other faiths, not being a believer of any of them, it seemed rather odd. And silly (even more so this time).

Again, was one belief objectively more "hatable" or demonstrably wrong than another?

Some beliefs are not as popular as others, sure, but over time that can, and often does turn around with the addition of new religious leaders, time and influence.

So why one faith over another?

How do we "choose"?

I smiled again when I saw the correlation between how one is raised, and what one tended to think, feel, and want. It worked here too!

Very interesting...

As I said, our upbringing plays a hugely significant role in shaping us as individuals.

Especially when we are young, our parents are infallible. They know everything, and never lie.

If your parents attend a Lutheran church, and bring you along every week, odds are you will probably be a Lutheran. (No, not always, of course).

One telling thing I noticed from browsing online dating sites, is that many women say a similar thing when given the opportunity to say something about their religion. (Sorry, I did not check the guy's profiles, but it's probably similar).

"I was raised Lutherian"

Or

"I was brought up Catholic"

Not "I AM" this or that.

I was "RAISED" this or that.

Notice that the question they were answering was not, "What belief were you RAISED with?"

A subconscious giveaway, I think. (I love that stuff).

Most people do not choose what they believe (at least at the beginning), but I have to acknowledge, out of fairness, that many do (usually much later in life).

Not every Lutheran family will spawn Lutheran children, just as not every Broncos-rooting family will spawn Broncos fans. When people get out into the big bad world for themselves they have an opportunity to consider new points of view, new beliefs, and new ideas.

Some will change their mind, many will not.

But looking at the number one answer for why most people believe what they do, "My parents are Catholic," it seems to me that that response seems to justify it for us.

Why do you believe this?

"Because she does."

Why does she believe it?

"Because they do."

Well, that's good enough for me! Where do I sign?

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Say, these headlines look awfully familiar...

Location plays a huge roll in determining what faith, belief, or religion you will adopt for yourself.

Though it may seem depressing to chock up such an important part of people's lives to a random event such as where you were born, and were you live, it does not change the impact of the location's influential power. (Its EVIL influential power!!! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!).

For instance, being born in one area of the country might find you deeply entrenched in the Southern Baptist culture, while being born in another puts you squarely into Mormon territory.

In other scenarios, where you were born and how you were raised would see to it that you were an evangelical creationist or perhaps even an orthodox Jew.

So many different variations just by location.

But all of these beliefs are supposed to be true, right?

So does that mean that Truth is relative to your geographical region?

Does being born in a different part of the country change the amount of truth your beliefs will have?

And if one belief is still more true than another, what happens if you are born into a "less true" or worse, a false faith? How would you even know? I mean, your parents believe it, and many other people believe it, how could they be wrong?

Is it all just subjective and relative?

WHERE IN THE WORLD....?

And that's just what's common for America.

Take the oft used example that we love to hate.

We've done a good job of demonizing Islam and Muslim culture. (It's pretty easy really).

After all, it's not like our culture or our faith, so it must be bad. (Yeah! Totally!)

But pretend, for consistency, you were born Saudi Arabia, and suddenly everything flips on its head. (Why that happens is still being tested by top scientists).

Because of your location, and how you were raised, Islam is now the one truth faith, and everything western is now wrong, and evil.

You believe the Qur'an just as strongly as you would have believed The Bible.

You would now likely be militantly against Christianity, the very thing you believed so strongly before, all because of where you were born, and how you were raised. Two things, again, very much out of your control.

And that's just one variation. A few hundred miles this way or that, and you could have been a Hindu or a Buddhist. (Dear God noooooooooo!!!!!!)

(God: Yeeeeeeeeppppppp!!!)

It really starts to seem arbitrary and pointless if it's just ascribed to location.

For a silly example (the best kind), how is this any different from a fiery war based on the prevailing geographical music style?

America hating Mexico because they don't believe that Blues is the one good form of music. Mexico passionately against America for their discounting of Mariachi. Ireland angry at Germany because they have not accepted traditional Gaelic folk music as their one true style, and Russia aiming missiles at Japan for listening to their false J-pop music.

Time for a musical cleansing!

CONCLUSION

Examining the origins of our most strongly and fervently held beliefs, opinions, and passions,  makes me wonder how much of what and who we are is really of our own doing.

And that is not something I like the sound of.

Most of us, myself included, take great pride in our personal opinions and viewpoints, and to entertain the possibility that I'm not as in control of my own decision making process as I want to be, or think I am, is actually quite depressing.

How much of what we feel is really our own idea? How much is just a product of where we live, and how our parents raised us?

As a bigger question, how do we know if what we think and believe is truly our own?

And if something as profound as belief can be influenced by our upbringing and location, is there really anything that is universally true?

I'll leave that up to you.

Wait. Hold that thought... the game's on!


You might also be interested in:

• Revenge Of Jehovah's Witnesses
• The Inefficacy Of Prayer
• Gardening With God
• Sports Hatred
• Why I don't Commit Murder
  

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Tags: blog philosophy psychology humor sarcastic sports religion football soccer broncos christian christianity islam muslim upbringing location belief faith truth

Revenge Of Jehovah's Witnesses

Sit down, grasshopper, and I shall tell you an epic tale of swashbuckling battles, crushing personal defeats, and divine triumphs!

I sat at the computer checking my usual round of websites, blogs, news and videos, as I sipped on my morning coffee. I felt especially groggy that morning, and the coffee slowly helped to make me aware of being awake.

After laughing out loud to a particularly humorous video, I heard the sound of knocking on the door of the apartment next to me.

I live in a converted old victorian building in the heart of Denver, and my housemate next door often has a friend of two over for wine, food and music. His brother also lives in the apartment downstairs, so people knocking on his door is not unusual.

A moment passed, I heard the sound of two women talking quietly outside his door, which is also outside my door.

Two women eh? Sounds steamy.

Another moment and another knock.

I guess he was not home. "I wonder who was trying to talk with him," I thought briefly.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

And now I had my answer.

I knew who it was. It could only be Jehovah's Witnesses.

"Awesome!" I said to myself with a smile.

PREPARING FOR BATTLE

Awesome?

Yes. I, like most normal people, used to politely turn them away at my door saying that I was not interested, or something similar. I've always used a sort of awkward politeness to handle the situation, but that never seemed to work.

They will bombard you and overwhelm you as fast as they can before you have a chance to really think about it. It's happened to me before.

And I usually leave the situation feeling somewhat raped, staring into nothingness, still clutching the Watchtower magazine they hypnotized me into taking.

Which is why I've taken the easy way out after that, by simply cowering behind my couch as if no one was home (though the TV blasting might have given me away).

I know some people who can be blatantly rude to them, and honestly, I wish I had the balls to do the same. I mean it is extremely arrogant and impolite to go right up to someone's door and begin preaching to them about how everything you believe is wrong.

"You're an idiot and a terrible person, sir, now take this literature saying the same thing. Have a lovely day!"

Fuck you! Honestly.

Who else does that? (Besides the milk man).

I've realized that dealing with Jehovah's Witnesses is like a game of wits. A battle if you will.

And so far, I've lost every one. And I feel like a spineless pushover.

But no, not this time!

Oh no!

This time I actually want to talk to them.

It just so happens that in the last year or so I've been reading up on a lot of information about religion and Christianity in particular. Books, essays, videos, documentaries and discussions. This would be my first encounter with Jehovah's Witnesses, now that I had some background in the subject and ammunition on my side.

This time I was ready.

To quote nearly every terrible action movie ever made:

"Let's do this!"

*sound of shot gun being pumped*

(I would have also accepted, "Let's rock and roll!!!!!")

MEET THE WITNESSES

As I approached the door, I began to worry a bit, thinking that I might suddenly freeze up, or forget all of the good arguments I had learned, instead standing there going, "well, uh... uh... but if you read.... um... what about... uhhhhh...". Obviously that would be no fun, nor something I could share with the ol' grandkids. Plus it would leave me in the same molested and broken state I so vividly remember from my past encounters.

Oh, pathetic past version of self, I will avenge thee!!

I opened the door to see my assumptions confirmed.

Two ladies stood at the top of the steps, one, an older white lady (perhaps late middle aged) with a round shape, and one younger black girl, pretty, who wore a light blue flowery dress, which seemed a bit old-fashioned.

The older lady held a bible, and a few pamphlets under her arm.

"Hello, sir," the older lady started. She was obviously the mentor, no, the LEADER of the pair, and I assumed the one who was going to do all of the talking. This was to be my opponent.

I smiled and nodded. (I was getting nervous, but also filled with excitement. This was it....).

She noticed that I did not slam the door in her face, nor did I make a negative face as the sight of their presence (as most people surely do), which I'm sure was both refreshing and scary for her. She saw she was being given the opportunity to talk, and wasted no time in getting to her opening hook.

I took a breath.

All right, lady. "Let's dance!!"

*Three shot guns being pumped*

THE END TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The tension was thick.

What would be her first move? What cards would she deal me? And would I really be prepared enough to duel?

I had a moment of doubt.

And then it started.

"What do you think is happening, when you look at the world these days...?"

Okay, okay. Here we go. Think man. What is she getting at? Keep it vague for a while...

"What do you mean exactly?" I inquired.

The lady looked a bit nervous to me. Could she be feeling the heat of combat as well? One can only hope.

The younger girl stood firm with a smile, and gave me eye contact, the older lady, the one who was doing all of the talking, almost never looked at me directly in the eyes. My shirt seemed to occupy a lot of her gaze, as did the floor, or the wall next to me.

Interesting.

She continued.

"Well, when you see everything on TV, like... the... people killing their families, and babies dying... and... the terrible things going on... what do you think is happening?"

Ah ha! So we're going this route eh? Well I'm not going to give you even a crumb! Take this:

"I think it's the same thing that's been happening throughout history," I said, as honestly as I could without appearing too smug. (Too late).

"Mmm Hmm," she dismissed me.

Well played.

"Well we believe," she began to explain as she opened up one of her pamphlets, "... that this is a sign of the end times spoken about in the bible."

You see how she did not even inquire into why I thought what I did, and just pushed directly into what she wanted to say? That's good. That's because she could give two shits about what I really think. She knows I'm wrong, and she's trying to keep control of the conversation.

To make my first real move, I needed something more to react to, so I encouraged her.

"All right," I agreed, in that sort of 'go on' type way.

"Yes, and we also wanted to... to let you know that Jesus will usher in a new era, which will be 1000 years of peace."

Okay, this was my first opportunity to say something.

What to say, what to say?

Now I could just throw a bunch of stronger arguments out that are more aimed the the core of the belief system, but I didn't want to be too rude or overly-combative. I just wanted to make some points, and stand my ground, but in a more conversational way.

Plus if I did nothing but attack them, they would leave. And this is one of the few times I actually wanted the Jehovah's Witnesses to stay and talk with me.

Strange.

But I also know that their goal has nothing to do with having a good conversation. They just want to tell me I'm wrong and give me literature.

Well, you knocked on the wrong door my fine feathered friends.

*50 shot guns being pumped over and over*

APPEALING TO EMOTION

My turn. Start simple so you have somewhere to move up to later...

"That's one thing that I've always thought about actually." I said a bit nervously at first.

This was it. I was really going to try and battle them.

"You say that this so called thousand years of peace would have no racism, no famine, no fear, no wars, just joy and love right?"

They both smiled and nodded yes.

"Well, don't get me wrong, that sounds great, I mean, who wouldn't want to experience only joy and love?" (Actually I wouldn't, I could go into why another time, but I was trying to identify with them and make a point).

"But just like the idea of heaven, it almost seems too perfect sometimes, you know?"

(They didn't).

The lady started to open her mouth to steer the conversation back to where she wanted it. But I wasn't finished.

"Almost like it's the exact representation or our own emotions and desires. A place that's all good and everything you could desire? I don't know. It seems quite unfeasible to have a place like that, and it just, at least to me, panders too much to what we want emotionally. And that alone makes me skeptical."

She started to counter my thought. Let's see what she'll do.

"Well, this would not be heaven though. It would be a thousand year reign of Jesus as king here on Earth."

Oh, in that case, I take it all back. That is different.

Except that it does not change my thoughts about these ideas being based on our personal desires whatsoever.

Not a good counter ma'am. I have to admit I'm disappointed. What else do you have?

She then turned her book to a picture showing an overly multi-cultural group of variably-aged people in a nature setting and pointed to it saying, "See, this is what it will be like in the reign of Jesus' return. No pain, no..." (She went on down the list of things we emotionally don't like, and told me how, conveniently, those things, again, would not be present in this magical time).

This was your argument?!

I gave her a funny smirk and raised my eyebrow as I pointed at her silly picture.

"But that's just Photoshop!" I said smiling.

The young girl behind her chuckled a bit at my joke/argument. (Uh oh, her forces could be defecting!)

"Well yes," the older lady said, still looking away from my eyes, and trying to collect herself after a brief outbreak of 'slight smile'.

"But this is what it would be like".

I contained myself enough to not run immediately into "how do you know that this photoshop picture is representative of what will be?" Or laughing loudly at the notion of what she was trying to say.

(C'mon, it's damn funny. A Photoshop picture of people looking happy is supposed to convince me of something??! Really?).

If your goal is to come right up to my house, interrupt what I was doing, just to try and convince me of your religion, you'll have to do better than that.

Remember, YOU were the ones who knocked on MY door.

I'm actually ready for you! Do your worst! (I think she already did).

WHAT'S IN A DATE?

She went on a bit more, this time referencing scripture about how Jesus had predicted these things (in reference to the "bad things happening").

*Clang of swords*

Which I countered with the idea that anything "prophetic" can be retrofitted later on to match whatever you want it to match. Just like how Nostradamus' predictions were so vague that people can interpret (key word there) them to apply to almost anything (and they do).

*Blades hitting armor*

She looked a bit upset at my comparison (point for me!), but sort of kept her already nervous composure.

Okay lady. Your turn. I know you want to win this. Go!

"Well... yes... ... ... but when Jesus comes back..."

I saw a chink in the armor and I just had to interrupt.

"You're talking about the 'second coming' correct?"

"...Mmmm Hmmm..." She nodded, visibly frustrated at not being able to finish her usual pre-rehearsed talking points. Sorry lady, I can't let you get off that easy.

"Doesn't it say in the bible that Jesus himself told his followers that he would come back within their lifetime?"

The older lady kept her eyes on the floor, trying to think of something to say. "Well..."

Not fast enough. I couldn't hide the smile on my face as I continued the mental chess match.

"If I'm correct, nowhere in the bible does it say that Jesus is supposed to come back in 2000 years. He was supposed to come back in the time of his followers. That's what he said. Which I believe he did not do."

Check mate.

"Well... what He said... was... that He will return as He left us..."

I cut her off again, as what she was saying was not at all, in any way, shape or form a logical response to what I said. I'm guessing she did not have an answer for that one.

Point lost lady. This is YOUR religion, not mine.

"I'm sure he did," I 'agreed', in probably a more condescending way than I intended.

(I seem to do that more than I want).

BECOMING PERFECT

At this point I could tell that the women was quite irritated. Here she comes to the door expecting to simply overwhelm some unsuspecting joe with a whirlwind of quotes, figures, and fear mongering, and what does she get? Some cocky young kid who has the audacity to match her arrogant belief-peddling with arrogant questions and arguments.

She wasn't happy. But she did not give up. I could tell, she wanted to win this almost as much as I did.

The young lady behind her still seemed calm and observant, and not at all involved in the sweat of the epic battles that were taking place only a few feet away from her.

My rotund sparring partner flashed me a quick condescending smile and opened another one of her books.

I readied my shield.

"But the point was that he will return us all to be perfect, like the way he created Adam and Eve" she inferred, I mean... knew factually.

"Whoa, whoa whoa. Hold on there..." I said with a knowing smile.

(That makes me sound like a condescending dick too, which I definitely can be. But this time, I was just making up for all of the lost battles from before. I needed to play the same game they were playing).

"Adam and Eve were not perfect." I stated.

"Um... yes they were, because they were created by God as perfect." she said, treating me like a child who does not know any better.

Ouch! Good counter this time, lady. How to get around this... ah ha!

"Um no," I defended. "If they were truly perfect then there never would have been The Fall. Eve never would have been tempted, because being susceptible to temptation is not perfect. And she never would have done something God told her not to do, because dishonesty is not perfect. Same goes for Adam. Therefore Adam and Eve were not perfect."

Boo-yah!! I'm actually pretty proud of that argument, as that one was not memorized or rehearsed. That was entirely off the cuff.

I could tell I made a decent hit on her with that one. I imagined it like a philosophical video game, visualizing her life bar at the top moving down a few points.

The younger black girl still smiled at me and nodded, as if she was actually listening to what I was saying. Why was she not joining in? You'd think with two against one they could really crush me.

For a brief moment, in the metaphorical smoke of my deft blow, I wondered why.

The older white lady began countering my observation with a speech about free will.

She was visibly not enjoying this.

Funny. For once in my life, I was.

GOD IS LOVE

Her next talking point to me was the ever-happy, and emotionally-pandering idea that, "God is love." Boy, that sure sounds nice huh?

This, after a long speech about how we can choose to worship him, or choose to be punished for not doing so (you know, 'free will').

"Hmm... god is love, you say?"

They both nodded, but this time suspiciously. They knew I would not make this easy for them anymore. But hey, if you're going to go out and be a door to door missionary, you better be up on your game. And this was one of my only chances to make up for my awful and tragic defeats of the past.

I took in a deep breath, and charged up my special weapon.

"How can you say god is love, when this same god not only condones, but directly orders his people to brutally slaughter," (yes, emotionally laden words), "thousands upon thousands of other tribes who did not believe the same thing, or did something that the Israelites did not approve of? The same god that says you can take all of the young girls and children of the decimated tribe as personal slaves? The same god that talks about how to sell your own daughter into slavery, and has entire chapters devoted to the handling and 'care'," (as in how much to beat them), "of slaves? And the very same god that actually condones the "dashing of babies against rocks"?! Babies!"

She glared at me a bit, and by 'me' I mean the floor. The other girl seemed more concerned than anything. Was she aware of this? Perhaps I made her think. Or perhaps she thinks I'm lying.

I concluded.

"I'm sorry, but that, to me, is not love. I would not want to be friends with someone like that. That is the work of a monster!"

The large older white lady was looking upset. Or perhaps is was just my shirt that was making her frustrated. I could tell she had this 'knowing' that I was completely wrong. About everything. Really, how could I know anything about her religion? I was some arrogant, argumentative kid in her eyes. Impossible.

She smiled a very 'you're an idiot and I'm trying to tolerate you' type of smile. She opened up her pamphlet again.

I don't think she likes me.

"Actually, we have a whole chapter on 'Why does God let bad things happen' right here in this book."

Oh ho! So she's heard that before has she? No wonder she gave me that look. Perhaps she is gaining the upper hand again?

"Oh?" I feigned interest. "Can you summarize it for me?"

I used her own momentum against her, like in Karate.

I don't think she wanted to do that. Before she started speaking, she had a mircro-second look of 'I have not actually read that chapter'. I assume I was just supposed to read it on my own, and all my concerns with the character of the Christian God would magically vanish. (Sounds reasonable).

"Well Satan tempts us all, and God wants to test us and..."

Oh that's cheep. You can rationalize anything with that throw-away defense. I'm not buying it.

I interrupted.

"So it's basically just one of those 'god is testing you' sort of explanations, like Job?"

We exchanged a quick look, and I could see in her eyes that she understood my awareness of her argument, and perhaps that I could make some points about that too. So much for answering the 'Why does God allow bad things to happen' question.

"No... not all of it." She stammered as she opened up the bible and asked if she could read me another passage from it.

"Go for it!" I encouraged. (I was feeling exhilarated at this time. I had something to add or counter to almost everything she said so far. The 'me' from years ago who had been shamed and bested by the religion delivery man would be proud).

She then read me something about 'the righteous' something or other. I know it looks bad when I don't even give you some of her arguments, but honestly, just quoting something from the bible does nothing for me.

To me the bible is just a book, and carries no more weight to it than my Adobe Illustrator instruction manual (which I obviously base my whole life around).

*Her sword hit my shield and shattered into a million pieces all over the ground*

Sorry, dear. I have immunity to that special power.

A RECOMMENDATION

I could tell that by this time they were both overwhelmed with having to defend themselves so much, and be pestered with questions and arguments. Well mostly the round, no-eye-contact lady.

The tides were turned in my favor, and my opponent seemed to be at loss for new arguments. After years of taking an emotional and mental beating at the hands of her fellow rude and pushy church members, making me feel pathetic and terrible for not only being the person I was, but also for not being able to handle myself in the "conversations" (see: murders), I had finally pulled four aces from the deck and won a single round.

It felt great.

I could tell she was itching to get away from me (though not admit defeat I suspect), so I decided to offer something to them. Or at least a recommendation.

"Hold on, I want to show you something," I said as I picked up a book that just happened to be conveniently lying on the ground by the door.

If they get to push books on me, I'll do the same. Remember, you have to play the very game that they play.

"Now I know you probably won't read it or even take a look at it," I honestly admitted. "But this is a great book from an actual biblical scholar, Bart D. Ehrman, called 'Misquoting Jesus', and it's all about the changes and mistranslations that the scriptures have gone through over time. It's really interesting."

I did my best to describe the book in a way that didn't sound like "this book will destroy your faith! Interested?"

The older lady kept her gaze far away from mine as usual, and gave me another condescending smile and a dismissive, "yes, I'm sure it is." I was still wrong. And and idiot.

Well, at least I tried.

"Wait, what was that book?" the young girl suddenly spoke up. I smiled and held it up for her, while she took out a piece of paper from her purse and wrote down the title.

I didn't expect that. Nor did my boxing partner.

Now, I'm sure she'll never read it, and was probably just trying to humor me, but it was still an interesting little moment.

Maybe she was curious? Maybe all of the things I said today made her think a bit?

Nah.

Wishful thinking.

I could almost picture the two of them walking down the street afterwards, and the older lady telling the young girl to ignore the things I brought up during the battle... I mean discussion. And that she didn't actually have to read the book that the argumentative boy suggested. After all, it was probably a heathen book and went against what they believed.

Hence bad.

RAIN CHECK PERHAPS?

By this time, the lady had obviously had her fill of dealing with me questioning everything they said, and coming back with arguments that they did not enjoy dealing with. In fact, you could tell that she would have wished, in some ways, that I would never have been home at that time.

But again, they're the one's who are going door to door pestering people about religion. I simply took them up on it.

A lot.

And really, how funny is it that normally, people are trying to do everything they can to close the door and end the conversation with Jehovah's Witnesses, and now I reversed the tables on them. They were trying to get away from me! Priceless!

For once I felt powerful, and victorious in this situation. Vindication, in some small stupid way, was mine!

"Well, it was nice meeting you," the middle aged matriarch said.

Bullshit. She was lying. You could tell she really did not like dealing with me. Or my shirt/wall/floor. Or maybe she didn't like realizing that she did not have all of the knowledge she needed to prove to me that I was wrong in every way.

"Yes, I enjoyed the conversation," I said (which was true). And since I like being honest in situations that people don't expect, I added: "And I appreciate you putting up with all of my questions and arguments. I'm sure the last thing you wanted to deal with today is an arrogant kid who thinks he knows everything."

They both smiled, and pretended that it was no big deal.

I looked at my now defeated opponent.

"I could tell that you were a bit irritated with me." I said with an empathetic smile.

Which I actually said to her.

"No... no.. of course not," she said awkwardly to my shirt.

The young lady behind her smiled kindly at me and extended her hand.

"What was your name?"

"Niko. What's yours?"

"Niko? That's nice, I like that," She bubbled. I like her. "I'm Shannon."

"Well, lovely to meet you Shannon."

"Maybe we could come by sometime again and talk about some of your concerns one by one, because you had a lot of things to say, and it's hard to address them all in a short conversation."

I agreed. Of course, it was also a way of not having to defend themselves anymore, but it's true, I did jump to many different points very quickly. But hey, so did they! Fair is fair!

"We have some 'brothers' (brothers? that sounds a bit cultish and creepy... oh well) in our church who are about your age, maybe we can have them come by later this week and talk with you in more detail," She asked.

"I'd look forward to it," I confirmed.

How strange. Me looking forward to having some Jehovah's Witnesses over to proselytize at me. Just to have an interesting discussion. Who am I anymore?

As they walked down the stairs I smiled at the cute young girl.

"And you're more than welcome to come back as well."

She smiled back.

She probably won't.

And so ends the tale of the young boy, tormented by the merciless religion-peddling dinner-interrupters, that one day grew up to become the young man who avenged his former self, and so many others, on that one fateful, magical day.

*Roll credits with Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" music*


Related blogs:
Gardening with God
The Inefficacy Of Prayer
Existentialist Artist And Drunk Evangelist part 2
All Truth Is Relative... An Equally Not

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Gardening With God

There is a needlework plaque hanging on a guest bedroom wall at my dad's house. This plaque, put up by my dad's wife, is a simple nicety about one of her favorite hobbies.

However, upon seeing it, I was instantly put through a range of emotions and philosophical tangents.

The plaque reads: "One is closest to God in the garden."

I'm sure many people would read this warm, Hallmark-wall-medallion and give it a simple little smile, then move on. My fate would not be so easy.

WHERE ARE THOSE OLD BOTANY BOOKS?

It was late, and I should have been heading into a nice cushy sleep on my vacation, but because I over-think everything (literally everything, it sucks sometimes), instead I had to frantically jot down all of my thoughts and digressions, all due to a glance at a simple hobby-promoting wall-hanging.

What I began thinking was, 'what is the real intention of this plaque?' and 'what implied interpretations of its message are likely?' (Yes those are actual things that keep me up at night. Maybe I should get into a relationship or something).

Is it saying that working with plants gives one a feeling of spirituality?

Or is it trying to tell me that the one true path to being with God (the true God nonetheless), is through horticultural cultivation?

Is it? Shit! Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?!

But if gardening is indeed the way to be closest to God, what about church? It seems pretty pointless with the news of this revolutionary theological enlightenment on a wall plaque, yes?

And then I thought about who created the wall hanging. Isn't that plaque likely sewn by someone who already is a garden enthusiast? I would say, probably yes. I can't imagine a model-train enthusiast reluctantly sewing this plaque with a remorseful tear in his eye, contemplating all the time he wasted on his, enjoyable, yet non-godly hobby.

Which got me thinking that if this person already had a passion for working with plants, and also a belief in a supernatural creator being, it would be fairly obvious that they would feel, subjectively, that they were closer to that intangible feeling of oneness with the universe when they were focused on something they were extremely passionate about.

Does that mean that I can't be as close to this God because I like to compose music? I saw no plaque for that. To take things at face value (it's funnier), we can see that one person's creative passion is more favored by this supreme creator than another's. And according to the glaring absence on the wall, my personal passions are not among them.

Now I'll never achieve enlightenment!!

Any yet, were I a religious man, I would probably argue that no else could understand how it feels, in that wonderfully dream-like moment when I compose a new musical idea or song. The feelings are, in my experience, eqivalent to nothing. (No, not "nothingness". I mean I can not find anything to compare them to, like Sinead O'Connor). The process is really amazing, and cathartic. Honestly, like nothing else I've been a part of.

Therefore, I'll argue that God can only be achieved through musical composition. And I'm right.

Case closed.

Case reopened...

So if my dad's wife feels a strong spiritual connection while gardening, and I could feel the equivalent of that, through making music, and my dad could get that via writing a novel, what's the connection? As I sat in the bed, my hand cramping up from writing all of my mental vomit onto the page, I moved this concept from specific, to global, which led me to the unifying theme of the the wall plaque:

The personification of God.

That is some insight into how my mind works, when a silly grandma's-house needlework wall-hanging brings me into the concept of how people psychologically project themselves into anthropomorphizing God.

Dude, you wanna party with me sometime? (I sure can live it up... mentally.)

FRACTIONS OF FACTIONS

Throughout history, gods of all kinds (including "The God". You know, the ONE?) have justified, sanctioned and even ordered some of the most cruel, shameful, and over all anti-human events on record. Usually leading the charge were angry, obsessive, or power-hungry men who were magically spared the skeptical questioning or absolute horror and shock of society, because their cause was backed by God with a hearty thumbs up. Hence good. (Yea genocide!!)

In modern times, one quick look at all of the different denominations branching from, or connected to Christianity is absolutely mind-boggling. Some factions demand that you adhere to archaic rituals and live in a manner exacting of ancient peoples, and others are extremely wishy-washy and liberal, saying that "as long as you at least believe in God, you can pretty much do what you want," (Within reason of course... wait, did I just say reason?).

From an outsider's perspective, I often wonder why there are so many slightly different takes on what should be a fairly to-the-point philosophy. You are all basing this off of the same book right? (Well, except for the Mormons). So why all the disagreement?

People all over the world have radically different ideas of what and who God is (or if God is single or has extreme mutilple personality disorder). Does it not strike you odd that each god or gods that come from a particular part of the world, or group of people, seem to represent that group's cultural ideas and views on the world? It's almost as if it was the people that created the gods, not the other way around. (Of course there is no way that could be true, so calm down and enjoy that slice of pie).

Although, if there really was a god, (just one we'll say), you'd think that his message would have been a bit more clear, and above all, universal. Not transalted through the social, man-made ideologies and situations of that time and culture.

Ha ha, no. Just kidding. That is foolish. Of course the only way to know what God REALLY means is through loose interpretations and personal biases.

EVERYTHING IN MODERATION

I've had some experience dealing with what I call moderate or abstract Christians. These individuals vaguely believe in the "Christian God", Jesus, a soul, afterlife etc, but usually only the touchy-feely portions. (You know, the "nice" parts?). Many times these mushy-pseudo-religious people do not actually follow the Bible (they may have only read it when they were young), and don't really go to church (or perhaps only on the rare holiday). And yet, they seem to have a decent amount of "insight" regarding spirituality.

Personally, I've heard them make multiple pronouncements about Who and What God is without any real basis.

"I think that God would have no problem with this or that," or,

"if God is love, which I think he is, then he will love me no matter what I do."

Even when I bring up specific, negative examples of The God Of The Bible's opinions and actions, or scriptually-based contradictions they will usually be unfazed, responding with, "Well, I don't believe in all that stuff" Hmmm.....

If you don't "believe in all that stuff", where are you getting your ideas on spirituality from? You appear to believe in things that sound very Christian, yet you do not subscribe to, or even know about the things that Christianity is based on.

How nice for you.

And there is that dead giveaway in your language, buddy-boy, about the origins of your personal understanding.

"Think".

Everything they say is usually done through the ownership-phrase "I think". Not "I know", or "I've read". "I think", implying personal interpretation. Which is what we humans do best.

Again, how did you come to this information? Need some change? Here are two cents: you wanted to feel good about whatever it is you do and say, so, obviously, God should feel the same way. Why? Cause that makes you feel good. The two of you are luckily on the same page. How convenient.

LET'S GRAB A BITE TO EAT

Let's say you and I were meeting up at a restaurant for a bite to eat (pretty cut and dried so far). You arrive early, grab a table and start looking over the menu. When the server comes by, do you think it would be a tad presumptuous to order for me, without knowing what I wanted? Sure you might know me a bit, and think, "Niko likes gyros, so I'll order him that", or "Niko likes some of the things I like, and I'm going to get baklava, so Niko will want baklava too," but what if I wanted a Greek salad today? You don't know, because I never actually told you.

Seriously. Don't order yet.

So let's pretend there is a God (and he wants a salad. I just know). To presume you know the mind of a being that has shown you no direct evidence of particular opinions or desires, is to me, arrogant.

We all have an innate desire to feel a connection with the vast, distant universe. To feel like we know the will of something greater than us, yet something that still involves us. However, our minds can only ever know our own minds. So it's those people that claim to be a mouthpiece and "speak for God" that makes me most worried. (By the way, if God is all powerful and has something to say, he could just say it himself).

So when people make pronouncements about the mind and will of God, what are they really saying? I've found that it is the people with the strongest personal agenda to advance that most often claim to have God directly on their side.

BIASED OBJECTIVITY

As you all know by now, I dislike a lot of things. And not liking a lot of things, as I do (or don't), I very feel strongly about the plethora of things I don't like, and in most cases, have a long list of itemised and officially-notarized reasons contributing to my opinions on something. Because my views are so "documented", so to speak, it feels as if these views should be completely objective, as if everyone should have these same opinions, after all, they are so obvious, aren't they? (Yes).

If my views feel universal (and they do), then there must be something to them (there must), and it can feel as if the conscious universe itself shares in my hard-edged elitist ideas (it does). If it feels that way, it must be that way (I already said that), and POOF!... it is that way.

WOW! IT IS!!! I WAS TOTALLY CORRECT!!!

It's funny (ha ha ha ha! See?) how God seems to confirm the things that we already want to be confirmed, and disavow the things we want to have disavowed. Again, quite convenient. And with so many different beliefs and views in the world, this higher force must have a few billion different, equally strong, equally conflicting opinions. Seems plausible.

For instance:

Do you hate gays, liberals, democrats, or fictional children's books with a flaming (pun) passion? I bet your God hates them too.

Do you feel that the highest virtue in life is to love all people, all the time, everywhere? I bet your God loves everything too.

Think that you're a good person? I have a feeling your God has created a personalized super-awesome-happy-place for you... after you're dead.

Think that Terry is a awful person? Yep, your God feels that way too, and probably created an all-bad-all-the-time place just for Terry... after he's dead.

Like anchovies? Because your God loves 'em!

Hate anchovies? God finds them an abomination!

Do you enjoy gardening?

Well, in that case, I have a house warming gift for you.



Related blogs:
The Inefficacy Of Prayer
All Truth Is Relative... And Equally Not
The Feel Good Fix
Self-Perception: What A Beautiful Thing!

Enjoy reading this blog? Please socially bookmark this page, or post it on your Facebook, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

Visit the all new DeprecationWear online store! Sarcastic, self-deprecating and elitist merchandise. Click HERE to see my wares!



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Tags: god religion spirituality personal personify projection sarcasm philosophy psychology christian believe belief

The Inefficacy Of Prayer

Prayer is damn near everywhere ( I should have said "god damn". That would have been funnier). It has become second nature, even within our modern culture. From the inauguration ceremony for our nation's presidents, to a softball team before a game, to a get well card informing the sick person that they are in the card-giver's prayers.

It is seen as something positive, helpful, and, by many, extremely essential.

So what is the deal with prayer? Does prayer have a "deal"? And more importantly, do I have an opinion on it?

My title gives the last part away, which makes me think I should re-title this blog, "Prayer: You Won't Believe Niko's Unexpected Opinions!"

But they are expected. I don't like a lot of things, and this is a thing.

Well, what do you say? Should we do some dissection into the concept of prayer?

No?

Whoops, too late.

THAT'S WHY WE PRAY

Before we can throw poop on something, we need to know what it is we are hurling our feces upon (finely compacted as it might be).

So what is prayer?

Prayer is defined as "a solemn request or thanksgiving to God or an object of worship".

A pretty familiar concept for most of us I'd assume. (I can't think of anything funny to say here beyond the word 'trousers'. It's just a funny sounding word).

So why do people pray?

People pray for things they want, and things they don't want. They ask for things to change, and for things to stay exactly the same. They pray for courage, and because of fear. They ask for healing, and they pray for death (literally, people pray for others to die... as in the president. Nice folks, those).

It just so happens that we are generally fearful, needy, lazy creatures, and the idea of asking an almighty being for guidance, assistance, and intervention, in place of dealing with the big, scary world on our own is comforting and relieving, even when we don't get what we want.

If you haven't yet, check out QualiaSoup's excellent video on this subject called "The Superstitious Pigeon". It's very entertaining and has many great points that will poke you in the eyes, as they are decently sharp (but wait until you finish this blog or you'll ruin my flow, and I've been chugging ex-lax all morning).

GO ASK YOUR GUIDES

I did not grow up in a traditional religious household, but to add my own experience to this essay, I had a strange version of prayer instilled into me vicariously through my mother and her metaphysical tofu trappings.

Instead of praying to God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, or other gods, I was told on many, many occasions that if I wanted something, had questions about my life, or wanted help dealing with something, that I should ask my "guides".

You heard me.

Supposedly, my "guides" were kind of like guardian angels that would look out for me, and help me out (assuming I asked them, waited, then solved the problem myself).

So there I was as a youngster having conversations with my "guides" on a frequent basis. And when the "guides" were unhelpful, or put me on hold while out to lunch (happened a lot for some reason), I was to ask my "higher self". (Now I know that it's tempting to make some drug jokes with that, but since I do no drugs myself, I'll leave that to you, my stoned, coked-out readers).

My higher self was, I guess, another version of me that was smarter, wiser, perhaps more aware, and maybe (since there really is no clear answer to anything in the entirety of New Age beliefs) lived my life already and therefore could answer my questions about it.

Confused yet?

So am I.

I should ask my guides about my higher self.

THE WINNING PRAYER

Yes, yes. I don't like sports. I should write a blog about that.

But I also find it extra ridiculoid-stupid-ass when professional athletes pray.

And pray they do.

So I'm genuinely curious, why do they pray?

Obviously there are at least two teams involved in any competition (the ones that make money at least), and both sides are likely praying as well. And probably the same god (if statistics can be trusted).

Both teams want to win right? Therefore both teams ask their God for help, so they can overcome the odds in slow-motion to the underscore of Vangellis. Seems pretty cut and dried.

So here's what's bothering me.

Why would He (or It, she, they, he/she) give two shits about a stupid little game that you get to play? A game that affects hardly anyone's lives, involves no life-or-death consequences (except in European football riots), will not add to the greater knowledge or advancement of mankind, and in the grand scheme, is really pretty trivial.

Would a God, a supernatural, magical, transcendent being who has the ability to create consciousness and fiery, nuclear-powered suns care about that?

Apparently, if you ask the athletes (never ask them things, you'll only be disappointed), He gives a strong hovering fuck about them and their specific team.

...Therefore any team.

...Therefore every team.

...And in every sport.

...Throughout time.

But only one team is victorious in the end, which says to me that God likes one sports team over another. So I ask you...

Why would a God pick favorites?

If one side wins (and one usually does), then what does that say about the team that lost? Did they not pray enough? Did they pray the wrong way? Did they pray too much, thereby irritating their temperamental invisi-king? Have they been forsaken? Were they, by chance, just a crappier team?

So many questions.

And if God does favor you to win, as we are lead to "believe", why try at all right? After all, you're the CHOSEN TEAM. You cannot lose. Even if you decide not to show up to the game. Somehow your God will see fit to humiliate the other unfavored shit-hole team (who also prays to that God).

Do these questions bother anyone else?

GOD AND TRIVIAL PURSUIT

Speaking of things that bother me about prayer (say, what a convenient segue), how about the really petty and trivial side of praying? (Indeed, how?)

I understand that many times when people pray, it's for something significant or dramatic. They get sick, and want to feel like they have a way out of it. Or a family member dies, and they want the strength to get through a trying time.

But many people pray for ridiculous and meaningless things. And they do this a lot. (Remember?)

Do you really think that God, the supposed creator of the universe, who is all powerful and all wise, created all life and the underlying psychics that make it work (just go with me here) personally cares about, and wants to help you with:

-winning a video game?
-finding your keys?
-getting through traffic?
-not messing up your lines in a school play?
-getting that email you were waiting for?
-finding a great deal on detergent?
-choosing the home loan that's right for you?
-your dandruff problem?
-getting the goddamn washing machine to work?
-having your DVR not cut off the last few minutes of the season finale of House?
-making the girl at the cash register smile at you?
-being the final bidder for that awesome Betamax machine on eBay?
-your awful smelling vaginal discharge?

"Well, I know I should be designing that new solar system I've been meaning to get to, but I think I should go help Jeff Henderson of Westminster, Colorado on planet Earth get that 50-cents-an-hour pay-raise at Wal-mart he's been so deserving of! Trivial God AWAY!!!!!!"

Stop praying for these things. In fact stop praying. Go do something about it if it matters so much to you.

A PLAN FOR EACH OF US

Another thing, in the slightly more philosophical side of things is how pointless prayer is, in the confines of the typical christianity-based ideological system. Let the contradictions begin! (Spoken in Mortal Kombat voice).

So, God has a plan for you right? I guess he has one for everyone. Most people believe in an omniscient God, meaning everything that is ever going to happen to you is known to this God, or more specifically, also planned out by Him directly (since He interferes in your personal life, so say believers). So if it is predecided what will, and will not happen to you across the entire course of your life, why are you praying for anything at all?

Remember, as stated above, god has already planned everything out. So are you trying to change the creator's mind? God is supposedly unchanging (except for all that stuff in the bible). Are you asking It for things you are not "supposed to have", or things that were not in your cards? How dare you! You're not supposed to question your God, right? The nerve!

If your God is truly all-knowing, then he would have already known that you wanted something and would have factored that into his divine plan beforehand right? After all, he created you.

Does your God not know what you want and need, is that it? Is He not all-knowing after all? Does He simply have a lot on his mind and forgets your little needs from time to time? Does He just need a little reminder?

Then he's not all knowing, again.

Sometimes people say that God already knows what they want, but are just praying to give a boost (of what I don't know. Maybe placebo power). So now God works on a pay-per-prayer system?

The prayers with the most pray-ers gets paid out first, and the ones with not so many hits have to wait to accumulate prayer points? I did not realize God looked favorably on bribes, and numbers. So much for the meek.

"Um... excuse me, sir?" *cough cough* "May I have some food for my family?"

Dear Wretched Poor Person Whom I Love With All My Heart,

Thank you for your continued support in my existence and your desperate prayers for basic survival.

Unfortunately according to my records, I have not received the allotted amount of prayer hits or group percentage points necessary to review your case. Please increase these numbers, submit them to the Cleveland office with the proper prayer forms, and try again.

Sincerely,

Your all-loving benevolent God.

PRAYER STUDIES

I had an argument a while back with my mother, and my dad's wife about the power of prayer. Yes both of them at the same time, long story.

It started that we all had heard that several prayer studies had been conducted, yet we all heard different results. And by "heard" I mean "wanted to believe".

The study in question was one that was even mentioned in The God Delusion. A few years ago, a "study to end all studies" (meaning there will be more studies) was conducted, in which many patients at a hospital who were about to undergo surgery were prayed for by several church congregations.

The patients were divided into three groups. The first was a group that was prayed for (no complications and a fast recovery), and was unaware that anyone was praying for them. The second group was prayed for as well, but told about it. The third group was the control group who were not prayed for at all.

So far, we all agreed on these facts.

But here is where my mother (who still retains much of her New Age beliefs), and my dad's wife (who is probably a liberal, moderate, nice christian), both told me that the study had proved the power of prayer.

Interesting.

Since I had just come off from researching this very thing, I had to step in and correct them. (By the way it's not often that I actually have the facts to back something like this up, it just happened to work out this time).

According to the data, the prayed-for patients and the ones not prayed-for recovered at almost the same rate. Basically, no real differences.

What becomes humorous to me is the remaining group who were prayed-for and told about it. They actually did significantly worse then the others!

It turns out that simply knowing that others were praying for them, in large numbers, made many of them feel guilty and anxiety ridden about the pace of their healing, and thus ended up slowing their recovery process.

It was too much pressure.

Despite having the information right there, my mother and my dad's wife still refused to concede that this study helped to show that prayer was largely ineffective, and probably did not hold the supernatural power they both so wanted to believe in.

Such is the power of belief. All the facts in the world will have little power to sway it, so I've learned (slowly).

WHAT'S THE HARM?

"Okay so prayer is nothing more than a placebo. Fine, fine. So then why make a big deal about nothing?"

This is a position held by many progressive light christians regarding religion. They ignore the fundamentalist portion of their own group, as if they did not exist, and say "even if it is not entirely true, what is the harm?"

All right...

There have been many cases in the last few years of children dying from fully-treatable illnesses, because their parents refused any medical attention. What did these parents do instead? Well, since the theme of this blog is pretty obvious, you know what they did.

They prayed.

A lot.

And the poor neglected children all passed away. One couple from a 2008 case stated that they thought their daughter's body was a spiritual war zone between Jesus Christ and the forces of Hell. Only by refusing "worldly medicine" could their daughter be saved (/dead). And dead she was.

Another terrible case involved a 16 year old boy who suffered inflammation of the urethra, which made him unable to urinate. Again, his parents refused medical attention and substituted the "power of prayer", resulting in the boy dying in one of the most unpleasant ways I could imagine. Basically, his "filled up with urine", and killed his bladder, kidneys and heart.

No thank you, sir.

I'm guessing that even losing their children had no effect on these negligent parents' belief in prayer-only-miracle-cures.

Fucking aggravating, isn't it? (Agree with me)

THE EFFICACY OF PRAYER

Wait. That is the opposite of the title. Is this more of that 'start one way and then throw in a dichotomy thing' again? Not this time pal.

What can be measured or studied about the positive effects of a prayer-like state of mind is that of meditation.

Meditating has been shown (notice my lack of citing evidence) to be good for calming and focusing the mind on problems at hand. It is a healthy way of dealing with stress and Samurai fatigue (that's when a samurai is tired from a long day at the office).

Be that as it may (and it does), this deals purely with the physical aspects of meditation, and has absolutely nothing to do with prayer's supposed supernatural connection in any way. Sorry.

And I know that won't change your mind.

But hey, you don't have to believe me. Go ask your guides about it.

 

 

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Tags: prayer praying religion religious god spiritual placebo social psychology effective study belief believe philosophy newage


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Existentialist Artist and Drunk Evangelist part 2

Please read the first part of this story by clicking HERE. Seriously. It will make a lot more sense if you do. (Not that much of this conversation makes sense).

Last time I talked about the drunk older guy, a self-proclaimed artist and poet who cornered me for some not-so-philosophical conversation at a house party.

And now the exciting conclusion! (No one should miss the terrifying butter scene!!!)

******************************
Continued from part 1...

Moving through thickly detailed topics like The Universe, as if they were snotty tissues, he quickly landed on the topic of chaos.

Chaos. Could be pretty interesting right? Maybe? (I see you're not going with me on this one).

"Humans, man, they have no control, you know? We have no control. Everything just keeps moving and moving"

*He makes circles with his hands again*

Trying to throw him a bone I nodded. "I agree. I don't think anything within the universe has this "control" you speak of. Just actions and reactions".

I actually had no idea what he was talking about anymore. Perhaps I just could not grasp it, or maybe he was just embracing more artistic-sounding vague concepts and spouting them out at me so I would say, "yeah man. Totally. That's so true," then stare into the speakers of the stereo playing some Pink Floyd album on repeat.

He shook his head slightly and replied, "well, I don't think everything is out of control."

*Car tires screeching to a halt* Wait, what? Didn't he just say humans have no control? Did I just hear him wrong?

I had to confirm. "So you think some form of control exists then?" I asked him curiously. Curiously confused.

"Yeah, I do. I think it does."

"Oh? And how does one find this elusive control?" I questioned.

By this time I was far beyond the fact that we had not in any way established what this "control" was in any sort of specifics, but I was still amused by his drunk pontificating, and wanted to egg him on through his pseudo-philosophical rambling.

"Well, my belief is that mankind can get control through Christianity."

And you lost me. If I had not shut down my normal reactions, ideas, and replies enough as it was, now any bullshit philosophical trip I felt like taking with this drunk, non-conformi-poet would be right out, since they would not match the confines of his good ol' Christy Hannity.

And don't forget this guy has muscles, if I say something that blatantly criticizes religion, he may beat the shit out of me. Who knows how religious he is.

"Hmmm." I pondered patronizingly, as if his idea was very intriguing to me. "How so?"

"Well, through belief and faith I can get control." He stated.

I had a feeling something like this would be coming during my humoring of him. Many artists seem to think that being into a bunch of airy-fairy spirituality makes them really fascinating and intriguing.

Guess how I know that? C'mon guess. Yep. Used to be into it too. Well, not christianity, but the airy-fairy new age bullshit. Boy I sure was interesting being all vaguely spiritual. I feel depressed just thinking about that.

Digression. Back from commercial.

I continued my restating of his contradiction. "So you feel that, though mankind has no control, there actually is control, as you say, through the means of Christianity, via the "tools" of belief and faith? Is that correct?"

"Yeah." He said almost confidently.

I decided to test that theory with a simple question.

"So do you feel that you have more control in your life because of your faith and belief?"

"Well, me? No. I don't have more control."

Whu whu WHA? *spit take*

"Wait, I thought you said that faith and belief through Christianity gives you control?"

"No, that's not what I said..."

Sorry, I took your words out of context, didn't I? Nope, I did not.

With a pleasant smile that was concealing a pent-up laugh, I 'humbly' backed down.

"All right, sorry. Tell me then."

He proceeded to slowly amble through some spontaneous back peddling.

"Well I think that people can get more control of their own lives, not everything else..."

I jumped on his sentence. "Sure, sure. That's what I figured you meant."

He nodded and tried to finish his thought. "...yeah, well, that's what I believe, that through faith..."

I jumped on his line again. "That you have more personal control over you own life right?"

"Well no, not for me though..."

ARRGGG!! What the hell do you mean man! Either faith and belief gives you control over your life, or they work but you personally have no faith or belief, or they do not work at all. What is it guy?!

Yes I was a bit irritated by this, but not so much that I couldn't also find it wonderfully amusing.

Overhearing the word 'Christianity' a young man, dressed in loose-fitting, slightly hip hop attire, and slam-hammered-drunk, came stumbling over to join the rousing chorus.

"Are you guys talking about Christianity?"

The older guy looked annoyed at having someone else break his 'deep' artist to artist connection, as we really had something special going.

"Well, not exactly..." He started.

I decided to jump in again and try to derail any conversations dealing with religion before they started. After all, it was the word 'christianity' which brought this gentleman over in the first place, and my evangelical radar was lighting up like a flaming pagan solstice icon (I mean Christmas tree).

"We're talking about all kinds of things. Art, life, existence..." I said, playing nice, as if I was really enjoying the dialog. (Well, I actually kinda was, but for different reasons).

He looked at me a bit confused, trying desperately to find his place to jump into the discussion and begin preaching. "And you said you did not believe in god, or.... what?. . "

I really did not feel like spending this kind of energy on this topic, so I avoided saying anything about myself and what I really think, by directing the attention back to the tan, white-haired gentleman (he's hard to miss).

"He was simply telling me what he believed and I was simply asking him why." That seemed soft enough, didn't it?

The youngin' looked to be gathering his wits about him. Uh oh. He wanted to do battle, didn't he? Crap. I did not feel like dealing with this right now. The easy-going conversation on non-conformity and arty things was just fine (and quite amusing to me), but now I'm about to get sold a subscription to something. I just know it.

"Well, like. . .do you , I mean, do you think that you've. . .sinned, like in your life?"

Ah HA! I knew it! So you're going to do this tactic are you? Well, friends, have you heard this one before? He's going to ask if I have ever stolen anything, lied, cheated and such to make me feel that I am a guilty "sinner" in need of redemption. Yes, heard it before.

So how to handle this?

At this point I could just go into full-on argument mode where I whip out all the goods from errors in scripture, to the weird illogical loophole of God sacrificing himself to himself to appease himself, to philosophical arguments and logic with Occam's razor. After all, I read and research this stuff all the time, and this would be my first real discussion now that I have some knowledge on my side. Could be a great opportunity right?

But no. Were I to take the attack path, I would likely spend the rest of the party vilified as the 'evil' atheist (since I doubt they would know what atheism really means), and it would make the rest of the night uncomfortable and unpleasant for me.

In other words, to attack him would make for a poor situation in the long run for me selfishly.

Plus it would not even be worth it, as the guy was really, and I mean REALLY drunk, and would never remember any of my points, nor would he likely be able to continue a good topic if we got one started.

Damn you alcohol!!

So I decided to avoid the skeptic, atheist, anti-theist route and just try and disarm his pre-planned thought train.

I thought for a second about something I could say without coming off as too 'atheist'.

"I don't believe in the concept of sin." I said calmly.

Which seemed to work wonderfully, as he was not prepared for that answer.

You see, the technique he was going to use on me relies heavily on pre-planned steps, and anticipated responses from their "victims". If you can get them off of the track they try to stick you on, you can sometimes make it through the gauntlet unscathed.

He stood, unsure of what to say. "Well, I mean. .. oh. . . but. . . uh. . . I mean. . . ok, ok. . . like you've done wrong, something bad, right?"

"Of course." I said with a smugness that only Calvin could replicate.

"So. . .ok. . .so you don't think that like. . . that would be like a sin?"

"I suppose if I gave the concept of sin any validity whatsoever, you could call it that. But I don't. It's all so subjective."

He quickly tried (though his reactions were slowed) to get me back to where he could make me feel guilty for being a human, therefore instilling the need to ask for forgiveness from... I forgot his name. Some guy. Was it W.C. Fields? I like him.

"Well, but. . .you have done wrong, so does that not make you a bad person?"

"Nope." I think I was supposed to say yes here. This is fun.

"uh. . .wha? . ..um how, how come?" He obviously did not see that coming, which just made me smile.

I did my best to explain my position, still trying to appear as spiritually ambiguous as possible.

"Because I usually know when I've done wrong, through my own interpretations of my feelings and the situation at hand, and I choose, more often then not, to make the situation better, and resolve it with those I've done wrong to, on a direct and individual basis."

He paused to think about that. My aim was to use a lot of words and phrases that purposefully made my statement lean to a strong secular-humanistic approach regarding morality, as opposed to a spiritual one, just in case he had some stronger arguments about that, or wanted to use some of my own word choices against me.

"But just 'cause you ...resolve stuff with someone, does it now make that right?"

"Yep."

Again, he was not expecting that answer. This was actually really enjoyable, even though he was drunk. It was like a much more dull version of a Dan Brown novel, "Breaking The Christian Guilt Code".

Keep 'em comin' buddy!

He continued to press me in hopes that he would regain his rehearsed foothold. "...but...I mean...how?"

"Because I've taken responsibility for my own actions, then directly worked to make that situation right with the very person, or people that were involved in the subjective wrong doing in the first place. I've learned from a mistake, and corrected a negative action with a positive one."

This ended his guilt-trip and moral-break-down approach, and he then moved into a stranger, miracle-based approach, still in the conversational, pre-supposed-question-form that he had begun earlier.

See if these win you over.

"If you saw someone actually walk on water," (which he acted out), "wouldn't you be pretty amazed?"

Sure, but I'd first be skeptical and see if there were any natural explanations for the events in question. All I ever want to ask him was "how do you know that actually happened?" And, "even if he did walk on water, how does that prove he is God?" I didn't of course. I just smiled and nodded.

How about the ever popular, jesus went through a lot of pain, therefore the entire story must be true argument?

"Just imagine that all his friends helped to get him there, you know, crucified, and he was betrayed, can you imagine that?"

Yep. Can. Pretty Neat. Totally convinced. Good one.

For being drunk he was pretty tenacious, I'll give him that. Were he sober, he might give me a bit of a challenge. But this was fine for now.

At this point the girl I knew at the party came outside just in time to hear the word 'Jesus', and, being someone who is not a fan of religion herself, yet not well-versed in any serious arguments or information yet, looked at me with a knowing smile and tried to interrupt my drunk preaching friend.

My eyes darted over to her with a look of anger and caution. I knew exactly what was going on in her mind. She knew I was a strong atheist, and was reading a lot about this subject matter, and wanted me to basically "rip him a new one" for her.

So I quickly leaned in towards her and whispered, "don't say a thing. Let him talk."

She looked confused, but ended up saying nothing. (That was close).

Later I informed her that you need to pick your battles, and a drunk older guy who is a self-proclaimed non-conformist artist and poet with hybrid newage-christian leanings, and a ridiculously-smashed young kid barely making sense about Jesus is not the battle to fight. Not even worth it. I would rather have people not hate me the rest of the night, thank you very much.

Soon after I shushed my friend who seemed hell bent on getting everyone upset with me, another young girl, who was friends with my christian beer buddy, came out and began to lecture the young gentlemen after she heard him trying to preach to me.

"How can you tell this guy [me] about how to act if you can't even do it yourself!?" She prodded.

He tried to defend himself against her. "Well, nobody's perfect. I try to do my best to act right, and yeah, I don't always do it. But if I tried to I would be a hypocrite, you know?"

"You haven't changed at all! You're still doing all the things you used to do!!" She accused.

I had no idea what he used to be like, or what he is like now, but I had a lot of trouble suppressing my laughter at this newly developing drama.

"Yeah, but that's who I am. I can still talk about how to be right with Jesus, without doing everything right all the time! It's what's in my heart that counts!"

Say, isn't that actually an argument in my favor?

With that I walked back into the house, seeing my opportunity to dodge the rest of his preaching.

All I could think of afterwards was how interesting it was to me that I had two very memorable encounters with random people, back to back, in the same night. I guess I just get lucky sometimes (in an ironic sort of way).

Though I know I would have likely not have gotten the conversation I wanted out of either of these two strange and funny characters, I can still take away from it a constant fascination, surprise and humor of how ridiculous and deluded we all can be. How some of us never grow out of our teen years, and some of us never take the chance to critically examine ourselves and our own beliefs.

We don't always get what we want, but sometimes what we get is way more worthwhile. You just have to know how to appreciate it. (Which I don't).



Enjoy reading this blog? Please favorite, rate or bookmark this page, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

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Tags: art artist philosophy psychology party sarcasm humor funny atheist atheism christianity religion spirituality drunk


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