A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!

A while back, while at my place of work, I was given an amazing solution for the things that are wrong in my life. I was at the front of the restaurant talking either at, or near another female employee (does the difference really matter?), going on some inevitable rant about how happy, I mean, pissed off I am about this or that.

Upon my "conclusion" (this is actually impossible as I can keep talking about how much things suck until the universe disintegrates), she gave me this profound, yet simple advice, as a cure to what was bothering me.

Ready? Behold:

"You should be in a relationship."

Hmmmm.....I should? But wouldn't that just be a.......wait......Yeah! I should! Genius! Being in a relationship (in general) will indeed make everything better, especially the specific topics I was expounding about earlier! Why did I not think of this before?!

Anything else?

"You would be happier if you were in a relationship."

You know what? Good point. I would!

....... Or maybe you have no fucking idea what you are talking about? Hmmm? Can you at least concede the possibility?

I'm going with option B on this one. Very option B.

MY THEORY, WHICH IS MINE

So what's this whole thing about then? Huh?

Well there Guy McDudington, (or is it Miss Guy McDudington?), this is about our social obsession with being in relationships.

"Wha huh?"

Good question. But to be fair I made you say that since I'm the one typing. (Oh the control!)

Yes, we are obsessed with relationships. We know (because I told you in another blog, remember?) that we all have a strong biological urge to procreate, just like any other animal. But what makes us so different is our conscious desire for love and partnership, outside of the confines of just raising offspring. We want it because we want it.

ONE IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE NUMBER

A relationship of some sort seems to be the goal of almost every one of us.

What is it about being single that so bothers us?

"Nuh uh, man. I'm single and lovin' it! Woooooo!!!!"

Are you? ARE YOU?? Hey, if you are, awesome. Seriously. I've noticed that most people may say something like that, but in reality, they are doing everything they can to rid themselves of the tarnished, leper-like social status that comes with being only yourself.

You could liken being single to having an illness or medical emergency that you need to get treated as fast as possible. Sometimes you are simply waiting for your health insurance to kick in, and sometimes you just use a coat hanger. But almost everyone gets this horrible, detestable thing remedied. *High five*

Being a single person is not really being a single person. It's truly rare to come across a single male or female who is not also actively searching, or at least looking for someone to be with, be it temporarily, or long term. We may not always say it, but it's always on our minds.

Personally, I can go back and forth with the whole single concept. Sometimes I feel most comfortable and content in my extreme isolation and aloneness (since I'm really damn familiar with it), and other times, I'm compelled by the same silly forces that move us all to find someone to share things with. Damn dichotomies!

TELL ME WHY

Back to the example of the idiot girl at work. Okay, okay, sorry about that. That came off as a bit dickish. But really, if you got to know that girl, you'd see what I mean. I've never worked with anyone who has ever irritated me so much by doing so little. Fingernails on a chalkboard. (UPDATE: I just started training a new person who is just as irritating. Hurray for me).

When she gave me her all-inclusive answer to my problems in life, a relationship in general, I raised my eyebrow (I'm good at it), and asked her why that would solve anything.

"You wouldn't be so pessimistic all the time"

Oh really? Just like that, huh? Bullshit. This is my personality. If you think that having a relationship in general is going to magically change my outlook on life in one fell swoop, you are sorely mistaken and don't fully understand the nature of the mind and persona. (I know that you have a degree in cognitive behavioral science, so I'm surprised).

Yes I do agree that there could be (depending upon the specific nature of that person and relationship) some improvement in particular parts of my daily life. I could even concede that I might enjoy two, maybe three more things about existence. (Well, two is more realistic). But it does not suddenly come in, kamikazi style, and change everything about everything. This is not how life works little missy.

There are moments with the right personality compatibiliy that things can be really fun, exciting, great etc. That does not mean that everything else in my life is that way, or should be. It's like comparing the fact that even though I have a health issue that needs corrective surgery (which constantly worries me), I now feel fine because last week's episode of The Office was good. It just doesn't apply to everything.

Also, if you think that lack of a relationship in general is to blame for me being frustrated and upset with day to day trivialities, then again you don't know anything about me, or relationships. (Option B for the win!!)

THE GENERAL!

Quickly, I also found it humorous how generic her prescription was for me.

It wasn't a great relationship, it wasn't a really exciting, passionate relationship, it wasn't the special bond that a man can form with a Galapagos sea turtle.

Oh no.

Just any relationship at all would do me well. The most run-of-the-mill, blasè, pointless relationship would really do me wonders. I see no way in which that idea is retarded. (Except for the obvious).

THE CRUTCH

Being that extreme fear of aloneness is so prevalent with us, I've noticed how much relationships can become a personal crutch for many people (especially you).

My last girlfriend, for instance, had told me many a story about how she left one long term relationship, immediately for another, several times in a row. In fact when I started dating her, she had just broken up, after an emotional six-year relationship, to a moody, thirty-something-child, then tried a quick stint with the boyfriend she was with before him, (which did not cut the mustard... yet again...still. Lessons anyone?). This left her all of a few hours to be fully "single" before she and I began flirting and getting more serious.

I really hate that it seems this way, but most of the women I've known (and some guys too, settle down) have had a similar life path in regards to relationships (yes, again, not all. But most). It's like they are a broke college student, backpacking through Europe, sleeping at youth hostels, and couch-squatting anywhere they can, just to have a roof over their heads. But instead of getting shelter from the cold, or the rain, they are sheltering themselves from their own fear of loneliness, and the opportunity to critically analyze and know themselves.

Continually going from relationship to relationship, in my estimation and experience, leaves little time for personal reflection and growth. In fact, I would go as far as to say that many people only know themselves as a component of another person, instead of the full person they are (or could be) on their own.

YOU COMPLETE ME

Another reason for our almost global obsession with being constantly in a relationship, is an idea that has been drummed into us from an arts and culture front.

Books, plays, movies, music, all talking about how useless and pathetic someone is unless they have another person in their lives. Not only are they useless and pathetic sans other person, they are apparently only half a person.

I'm sure you heard these expressions:

"Incomplete, a yin without a yang, the toast to my jam, the vomiting after a tequila binge."

Such phrases are quite frustrating, as they really go a long way to discourage confidence in independence (and the movie Independence Day).

So, are you half a person? Because if you are you come with a cup of soup.

...Which you don't. (Wait, do you? Mmmmm....soup).

It's all in the mind. If you believe you are forever half a person, without another half-person in your life, then you will be forever half a person.

Last time I checked, one person plus one person was two people, not one.

Enjoy that soup.

JACKIE CHAN IN, WHO AM I?

As I mentioned about my ex-girlfriend, who was a bit of a long-term relationship monger, it was my assessment, after the fact, that she did not have a good, true sense of who she really was anymore. (And before you start yelling at me, I've got a long way to go as well, freely admitted). It had been years since she was last truly alone, and I'm sure, like most people, she had a lot of big events occur in that time period. The kind of events that help to shape us and change us. So who is she now? I don't think she could tell you.

I believe that people who can't find a way to feel good about themselves on their own, have to find it in others, which can spawn attachment issues and co-dependency. If there was anything close to a real life panacea, it would almost certainly have to come from within, from the self, from you (or that temporary relationship you're in now). Others can only fill that void you've neglected to fill with your own ideas, discoveries, truth, creativity etc.

A relationship in general is not a panacea. Nothing is. Nor is just any old relationship always a good thing, in fact, as I've seen many a time, it can be quite a lot more negative than being alone. Drama, depression, jealousy, frustrations, fights, anger, resentment and other such things you would not want to order à la carte, were you dining for one.

THE REAL PRESCRIPTION

The best choice (in my mind, which makes it thereby true) is to learn to become the most developed version of you that you can be. To really start to know yourself is a much more challenging, frightening, yet potentially rewarding venture in the long run.

Now that does not mean avoid people, and never have a relationship (like I do), as they can teach you vast tomes (yes, I said vast tomes, leave me alone) about who you are, how you act, what you want, and what to change about yourself. It's just about where you place the emphasis. Is the focus on you and your (selfish, in a good way) life and aspirations? Or is it about the quick emotional fix, and/or avoiding being alone?

Be choosy, be particular, and don't be afraid of being by yourself for a while. Easier said than done, I know. If you want to feel better about yourself and your life, do something that directly affects you and your (personal) life. Go to school, start a new career path, learn an instrument, study history, travel abroad, or better yet, write a bunch of blogs that hardly anyone reads. Yeah that will solve everything!



Enjoy reading this blog? Please favorite, rate or bookmark this page, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

Tags: love relationships date dating alone lonely loneliness single society social psychology cure all panacea