I Resent Your Happiness

It's strange sometimes, the stuff I dredge up out of my own self observations. In the last year I've thought  more intensely and significantly about myself, and existence in general, then at any point in my previous years.

One of many observations I've come to is that, apparently, I really don't seem to like happiness, or happy people. In what I could only consider some form of self sabotage, I seem to resent, dislike, and think lowly of very happy people.

What kind of a way is this to go through life? To chastise those who act joyful and positive, and seek out experiences where I continue to dwell in the Pit Of Despair?

THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

Have I really become this bitter, this unpleasant? I can recall that when I first made the observation that I did indeed resent other's happiness, it was accompanied with a sort of "oh, how Niko" sort of feeling. It was interesting, odd, and above all, one of those almost traditional perspectives of the caricature I've become as of late.

"Of course I hate people who are happy. Its cool, hip, chic, in a kind of rebellious anti-hero sort of way. Everyone loves Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club right?"

But now it just feels plain sad. Really, honestly sad. When did I become such a overly bitter, spiteful, and vitriolic person? Sure, I've never been the optimist, that's true, and I sure have had my share of moodiness, and negativity, but this? Hating anyone who seems happy, or content? It's the sign of a truly broken person, my friends.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM

I think I can realize that something is not quite right when the sight of happiness no longer just makes me angry, it begins to disgust me. I'm being serious here, and not just for dramatic effect.

The sight or sound of people being all sorts of stupid-happy has begun to disgust me to the core. Young couples kissing and being affectionate disgusts me; A group of really close friends hugging and smiling after meeting up at a restaurant disgusts me; Families that span generations, grandparents, parents, young kids, all being together for a family dinner disgusts me; Newlyweds with their infants in tow, starting a brand new life together, wait for it..........disgusts me.

Just on the way into my apartment to begin writing this blog, I encountered a group of my fellow housemates sitting on the porch. One housemate's sister is staying out here for the summer, and wouldn't you know it, her boyfriend has come out to visit her too! How sweet. I hope I get to see them all cuddled up on the porch. . . NOOOO!! That was sarcasm!! SARCASM!!! Yes, seeing that little, pleasant nicety of the two young lovers being together on the porch, just so happy to each other again enraged me.  I tried not to look as I rolled my eyes and scoffed to myself up the stairs to my apartment.

Moral: I'm fun to be around!

THE GREENER GRASS

I can remember two events, one general, one specific, in which I know that I was this strange, so-called, "happy".

The general being my pre-puberty years. I can recall, fairly well, my almost optimistic viewpoint of the world around me, the sky was always such a striking blue, the grass so soft and cool on my feet, and all possibilities were endless, and achievable.

Sure there were times when I was made fun of at elementary school, or I got into trouble with my parents for doing something childish, but for the most part, at least in my mind and emotion, I was fairly positive about life. More often then not, I was in good spirits, and enjoyed most of what life offered me. At least that's how I remember it, but it's possible my parents may have a different perspective.

As soon as my psyche began to develop in a more serious way, during that dramatic change into adulthood, my emotions took a much stronger role in my life (as they do), shaping my eventual pessimism, bitterness, and semi-founded social-outcast elitist bullshit. (I should put that on a dating profile, girls love that kind of stuff).

The other, more specific event in which I experienced the other side of the crushing dead-weight of life, was during the beginning of my last relationship. As I've already gone into too much depth about, I used to, even years ago, be irritated by really passionate couples, who would constantly touch, and hug, and kiss, and stare at each other ad nauseam.

But wouldn't you know it, I found myself on the other side of the table for one sweet moment in time, and I loved every second of it. Yes, me. She and I would sit at the bar, just staring into each other's eyes, smiling uncontrollably and giggling like children for 15 to 20 minutes at a time. And yes, there was plenty of kissing and sexually-based shenanigans as well. We were, for a time, the poster couple for the most sickeningly sugary displays of public affection that that circle of people had ever known. We got to disgust a few close friends of hers in particular, with just how cutesy and cuddly we were. It was great.

I really do miss that moment in time, as hypocritical as it is.

REASONS AGAINST HAPPINESS

Could there be any legitimate reasons against happiness? Well, you are reading the King Of Deprecation are you not?

To go more in detail from a notion from a previous blog, "72 Degrees in the head, All the time", people who are overly happy, as I see it, are either denying reality, or have not experienced life enough. It always feels like something is just off, when everything is so great, positive and rose-colored.

In actuality, life is challenging, life is cruel, life is difficult, and to ignore all its sludge, is to live in a purposeful delusion, a semi-waking life, a half reality. Sure there are some great things to experience here, while you are conscious, but it's not without its struggle and strife.

I do have another big reason that I downgrade happy people, for less-purely-arbitrary, emotionally-based reactionary reasons. I do, quite clearly, see a strong connection between a strong sense of self-awareness, and a decent amount of pain.

More in depth, I see correlation between people with strong, well-defined, interesting personalities, and, yes again, pain. I've noticed, that people who have experienced, and dealt with a lot of life pain, usually are the much more stand-out humans, those with greater wisdom, wit, humor and passion. Needles to say I like these people, even if I don't encounter them often enough.

Overall, I like happiness for grounded, earned reasons. Not just being happy for the sake of being happy.

THE CORE OF IT ALL

When it all comes down to it, why, would you say, that such displays of happiness would affect me so profoundly, and bother me so thoroughly?

I'm sure it's obvious, and it's something I freely acknowledge.

I'm jealous.

I see something that I want, something others have (perhaps), and I don't. I've tasted it before, and now I know the difference. I want to feel what they feel.

What scares me, well, also frustrates and depresses me (great combo), is the idea that maybe I'm just like that. Maybe I'll never feel the way that they feel. Or, more accurately, the way I assume these people feel. Maybe I am incapable of being happy and content. Literally incapable.

On second thought, I have had those few moments in my past to prove that statement wrong. But still, with those moments so few and far between for me, it sure feels like I'll never come across them again.

Even after knowing that most of what I feel is based on jealousy and my own inability to appreciate anything, it doesn't deter me from hating the idea that someone may be reading this blog with their significant other, happy as can be, unable to relate to bleakness and disgust with which I view the world, further setting me apart from the happiness status quo.

Have I mentioned that I'm fun to be around?


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Tags: emotion happy happiness hate disgust jealousy psychology philosophy