It is seen as something positive, helpful, and, by many, extremely essential.
So what is the deal with prayer? Does prayer have a "deal"? And more importantly, do I have an opinion on it?
My title gives the last part away, which makes me think I should re-title this blog, "Prayer: You Won't Believe Niko's Unexpected Opinions!"
But they are expected. I don't like a lot of things, and this is a thing.
Well, what do you say? Should we do some dissection into the concept of prayer?
No?
Whoops, too late.
THAT'S WHY WE PRAY
Before we can throw poop on something, we need to know what it is we are hurling our feces upon (finely compacted as it might be).
So what is prayer?
Prayer is defined as "a solemn request or thanksgiving to God or an object of worship".
A pretty familiar concept for most of us I'd assume. (I can't think of anything funny to say here beyond the word 'trousers'. It's just a funny sounding word).
So why do people pray?
People pray for things they want, and things they don't want. They ask for things to change, and for things to stay exactly the same. They pray for courage, and because of fear. They ask for healing, and they pray for death (literally, people pray for others to die... as in the president. Nice folks, those).
It just so happens that we are generally fearful, needy, lazy creatures, and the idea of asking an almighty being for guidance, assistance, and intervention, in place of dealing with the big, scary world on our own is comforting and relieving, even when we don't get what we want.
If you haven't yet, check out QualiaSoup's excellent video on this subject called "The Superstitious Pigeon". It's very entertaining and has many great points that will poke you in the eyes, as they are decently sharp (but wait until you finish this blog or you'll ruin my flow, and I've been chugging ex-lax all morning).
GO ASK YOUR GUIDES
I did not grow up in a traditional religious household, but to add my own experience to this essay, I had a strange version of prayer instilled into me vicariously through my mother and her metaphysical tofu trappings.
Instead of praying to God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, or other gods, I was told on many, many occasions that if I wanted something, had questions about my life, or wanted help dealing with something, that I should ask my "guides".
You heard me.
Supposedly, my "guides" were kind of like guardian angels that would look out for me, and help me out (assuming I asked them, waited, then solved the problem myself).
So there I was as a youngster having conversations with my "guides" on a frequent basis. And when the "guides" were unhelpful, or put me on hold while out to lunch (happened a lot for some reason), I was to ask my "higher self". (Now I know that it's tempting to make some drug jokes with that, but since I do no drugs myself, I'll leave that to you, my stoned, coked-out readers).
My higher self was, I guess, another version of me that was smarter, wiser, perhaps more aware, and maybe (since there really is no clear answer to anything in the entirety of New Age beliefs) lived my life already and therefore could answer my questions about it.
Confused yet?
So am I.
I should ask my guides about my higher self.
THE WINNING PRAYER
Yes, yes. I don't like sports. I should write a blog about that.
But I also find it extra ridiculoid-stupid-ass when professional athletes pray.
And pray they do.
So I'm genuinely curious, why do they pray?
Obviously there are at least two teams involved in any competition (the ones that make money at least), and both sides are likely praying as well. And probably the same god (if statistics can be trusted).
Both teams want to win right? Therefore both teams ask their God for help, so they can overcome the odds in slow-motion to the underscore of Vangellis. Seems pretty cut and dried.
So here's what's bothering me.
Why would He (or It, she, they, he/she) give two shits about a stupid little game that you get to play? A game that affects hardly anyone's lives, involves no life-or-death consequences (except in European football riots), will not add to the greater knowledge or advancement of mankind, and in the grand scheme, is really pretty trivial.
Would a God, a supernatural, magical, transcendent being who has the ability to create consciousness and fiery, nuclear-powered suns care about that?
Apparently, if you ask the athletes (never ask them things, you'll only be disappointed), He gives a strong hovering fuck about them and their specific team.
...Therefore any team.
...Therefore every team.
...And in every sport.
...Throughout time.
But only one team is victorious in the end, which says to me that God likes one sports team over another. So I ask you...
Why would a God pick favorites?
If one side wins (and one usually does), then what does that say about the team that lost? Did they not pray enough? Did they pray the wrong way? Did they pray too much, thereby irritating their temperamental invisi-king? Have they been forsaken? Were they, by chance, just a crappier team?
So many questions.
And if God does favor you to win, as we are lead to "believe", why try at all right? After all, you're the CHOSEN TEAM. You cannot lose. Even if you decide not to show up to the game. Somehow your God will see fit to humiliate the other unfavored shit-hole team (who also prays to that God).
Do these questions bother anyone else?
GOD AND TRIVIAL PURSUIT
Speaking of things that bother me about prayer (say, what a convenient segue), how about the really petty and trivial side of praying? (Indeed, how?)
I understand that many times when people pray, it's for something significant or dramatic. They get sick, and want to feel like they have a way out of it. Or a family member dies, and they want the strength to get through a trying time.
But many people pray for ridiculous and meaningless things. And they do this a lot. (Remember?)
Do you really think that God, the supposed creator of the universe, who is all powerful and all wise, created all life and the underlying psychics that make it work (just go with me here) personally cares about, and wants to help you with:
-winning a video game?
-finding your keys?
-getting through traffic?
-not messing up your lines in a school play?
-getting that email you were waiting for?
-finding a great deal on detergent?
-choosing the home loan that's right for you?
-your dandruff problem?
-getting the goddamn washing machine to work?
-having your DVR not cut off the last few minutes of the season finale of House?
-making the girl at the cash register smile at you?
-being the final bidder for that awesome Betamax machine on eBay?
-your awful smelling vaginal discharge?
"Well, I know I should be designing that new solar system I've been meaning to get to, but I think I should go help Jeff Henderson of Westminster, Colorado on planet Earth get that 50-cents-an-hour pay-raise at Wal-mart he's been so deserving of! Trivial God AWAY!!!!!!"
Stop praying for these things. In fact stop praying. Go do something about it if it matters so much to you.
A PLAN FOR EACH OF US
Another thing, in the slightly more philosophical side of things is how pointless prayer is, in the confines of the typical christianity-based ideological system. Let the contradictions begin! (Spoken in Mortal Kombat voice).
So, God has a plan for you right? I guess he has one for everyone. Most people believe in an omniscient God, meaning everything that is ever going to happen to you is known to this God, or more specifically, also planned out by Him directly (since He interferes in your personal life, so say believers). So if it is predecided what will, and will not happen to you across the entire course of your life, why are you praying for anything at all?
Remember, as stated above, god has already planned everything out. So are you trying to change the creator's mind? God is supposedly unchanging (except for all that stuff in the bible). Are you asking It for things you are not "supposed to have", or things that were not in your cards? How dare you! You're not supposed to question your God, right? The nerve!
If your God is truly all-knowing, then he would have already known that you wanted something and would have factored that into his divine plan beforehand right? After all, he created you.
Does your God not know what you want and need, is that it? Is He not all-knowing after all? Does He simply have a lot on his mind and forgets your little needs from time to time? Does He just need a little reminder?
Then he's not all knowing, again.
Sometimes people say that God already knows what they want, but are just praying to give a boost (of what I don't know. Maybe placebo power). So now God works on a pay-per-prayer system?
The prayers with the most pray-ers gets paid out first, and the ones with not so many hits have to wait to accumulate prayer points? I did not realize God looked favorably on bribes, and numbers. So much for the meek.
"Um... excuse me, sir?" *cough cough* "May I have some food for my family?"
Dear Wretched Poor Person Whom I Love With All My Heart,
Thank you for your continued support in my existence and your desperate prayers for basic survival.
Unfortunately according to my records, I have not received the allotted amount of prayer hits or group percentage points necessary to review your case. Please increase these numbers, submit them to the Cleveland office with the proper prayer forms, and try again.
Sincerely,
Your all-loving benevolent God.
PRAYER STUDIES
I had an argument a while back with my mother, and my dad's wife about the power of prayer. Yes both of them at the same time, long story.
It started that we all had heard that several prayer studies had been conducted, yet we all heard different results. And by "heard" I mean "wanted to believe".
The study in question was one that was even mentioned in The God Delusion. A few years ago, a "study to end all studies" (meaning there will be more studies) was conducted, in which many patients at a hospital who were about to undergo surgery were prayed for by several church congregations.
The patients were divided into three groups. The first was a group that was prayed for (no complications and a fast recovery), and was unaware that anyone was praying for them. The second group was prayed for as well, but told about it. The third group was the control group who were not prayed for at all.
So far, we all agreed on these facts.
But here is where my mother (who still retains much of her New Age beliefs), and my dad's wife (who is probably a liberal, moderate, nice christian), both told me that the study had proved the power of prayer.
Interesting.
Since I had just come off from researching this very thing, I had to step in and correct them. (By the way it's not often that I actually have the facts to back something like this up, it just happened to work out this time).
According to the data, the prayed-for patients and the ones not prayed-for recovered at almost the same rate. Basically, no real differences.
What becomes humorous to me is the remaining group who were prayed-for and told about it. They actually did significantly worse then the others!
It turns out that simply knowing that others were praying for them, in large numbers, made many of them feel guilty and anxiety ridden about the pace of their healing, and thus ended up slowing their recovery process.
It was too much pressure.
Despite having the information right there, my mother and my dad's wife still refused to concede that this study helped to show that prayer was largely ineffective, and probably did not hold the supernatural power they both so wanted to believe in.
Such is the power of belief. All the facts in the world will have little power to sway it, so I've learned (slowly).
WHAT'S THE HARM?
"Okay so prayer is nothing more than a placebo. Fine, fine. So then why make a big deal about nothing?"
This is a position held by many progressive light christians regarding religion. They ignore the fundamentalist portion of their own group, as if they did not exist, and say "even if it is not entirely true, what is the harm?"
All right...
There have been many cases in the last few years of children dying from fully-treatable illnesses, because their parents refused any medical attention. What did these parents do instead? Well, since the theme of this blog is pretty obvious, you know what they did.
They prayed.
A lot.
And the poor neglected children all passed away. One couple from a 2008 case stated that they thought their daughter's body was a spiritual war zone between Jesus Christ and the forces of Hell. Only by refusing "worldly medicine" could their daughter be saved (/dead). And dead she was.
Another terrible case involved a 16 year old boy who suffered inflammation of the urethra, which made him unable to urinate. Again, his parents refused medical attention and substituted the "power of prayer", resulting in the boy dying in one of the most unpleasant ways I could imagine. Basically, his "filled up with urine", and killed his bladder, kidneys and heart.
No thank you, sir.
I'm guessing that even losing their children had no effect on these negligent parents' belief in prayer-only-miracle-cures.
Fucking aggravating, isn't it? (Agree with me)
THE EFFICACY OF PRAYER
Wait. That is the opposite of the title. Is this more of that 'start one way and then throw in a dichotomy thing' again? Not this time pal.
What can be measured or studied about the positive effects of a prayer-like state of mind is that of meditation.
Meditating has been shown (notice my lack of citing evidence) to be good for calming and focusing the mind on problems at hand. It is a healthy way of dealing with stress and Samurai fatigue (that's when a samurai is tired from a long day at the office).
Be that as it may (and it does), this deals purely with the physical aspects of meditation, and has absolutely nothing to do with prayer's supposed supernatural connection in any way. Sorry.
And I know that won't change your mind.
But hey, you don't have to believe me. Go ask your guides about it.
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