I've mentioned the idea of love as being a purely functional production of our biological evolution in a previous blog called, The Feel Good Fix. I can very much see the practical way that our emotions could have evolved over time as a purely survival based mechanism, and yet, the artist in me can't help but be sucked into the whirlwind of experience and idealized perfection.
However, being the cynical and overly-analytical person I am, I do often get bothered with how distorted our perception can be of what love is. As I mentioned at length in my blog about self-perception, it is not who we are, but who we would like to be which becomes the way we see ourselves. The same is true for love; gorgeous visions of grandeur and solace concocted by the deepest longings of our metaphorical hearts. Unfortunately, this is often at odds with what love is in the real world.
Though many people are lucky enough to experience something that can dip occasionally into an almost movie-like fantasy world of beauty and excitement, most of us will not be so lucky.
And now on to the meat of this essay. I submit for you, a classic poetic example of how we think and feel about love, which comes from this oft used bible verse:
Love is patient, love is kind.My dad's wife has this quote hanging in their master bathroom. Any time I visit them and, for whatever reason, use that particular bathroom (why do I use that one anyway?) I am bombarded with a framed plaque promoting this supposedly wonderful and poetic realization of the true nature of love.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
Let me just say that this verse fills me with joy and puts a pleasant smile on my face. Then I hum a nice song on my way out of the room and, skipping merrily I . . .
. . . I can't do that with a straight face. Here I try to do this in a different way and fail miserably.
Back to the normal version that you cherish more then your dying grandmother.
Yes, I get that this sounds nice. I'm really not arguing that the ideas written here are great on paper, like communism. They are. (Like communism). It is exactly what we would all like to be, and how we would love to be treated by others. Pure, cold-filtered Utopia.
Alas, like utopia, the main flaw in this ideological view on love is that it leaves out the most basic and important component: human nature.
We could spend all day, waxing philosophic about how great it would be if people were more like this or that, acted in such and such way, or cared about these concepts over those concepts, but it is a dead argument from the get go. People will continue to be what they always have been. Animals. Apes. Humans.
Let's look closely at this verse and examine it closely from a more realistic viewpoint. (By the way, if you were wondering how I determine a "realistic" standard, I use my own opinion.)
Love is patient, love is kind.Sorry, no. Wouldn't it be great though? Love involves our most irrational selves, by which I am referring to our emotions. Things not generally in our direct control. Love can be patient, sometimes, but it is by no means a general label I could accurately apply to it without wincing or cracking a smile. We want everything now, and love only helps expedite that want.
And as for love being kind, anyone who has had their heart broken, shattered and defecated upon can, and honestly, should tell you different. Love is ruthless and cruel, not for the timid. To be fair, love can indeed be kind, but to represent it as all things kind would be ridiculously unbalanced and unfair (like Fox news).
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.Yikes. This line reminds me of the feeling I get being an audience member while watching a terrible comedian bomb awkwardly on stage.
I'm sure I'll say this a lot today but, at times, (and with this particular line it would very very, very select times), this can actually apply. But just because there are a handful of moments, few and far between where love embodies these things, does that mean (and before I finish this question, let me tell you that this is rhetorical) that 10% justifies the other 90%?
Love is extremely jealous my friends. Love has a case of the green eyes. When people are experiencing the near-illegal rush of chemicals associated with love, they naturally become more possessive and do whatever they can within their power to defend what they see as theirs. I'm sure you can see the evolutionary background in this one. It's mine and you can't have it!!!
Pride and boastfulness, again, are involved as well. Not always, mind you. But often enough to make a quite grounded objection to this line, based on experience and plenty of evidence to the contrary.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.Love can be rude, impolite and worse. Though I do not think that these traits are inherent within the confines of what we've labeled "love", people, simply being the unaware creatures that they are, bring this aspect to the table.
Not self-seeking eh? Basically the author is trying to say that love is in no way selfish. I wish I had already finished one of several blogs I am working on dealing with the notion of selfishness, as I could simply link to it. Honestly, I could write for hours on the topic of selfishness. Without stealing all of the content from that essay, I'll simply say that the pursuit of love, is, by definition, almost purely selfish. Sorry "altruists".
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Can you honestly think of a time where your emotions have not gotten the better of you? Where your emotions, intensified by other side effects like jealousy, would bring you to anger? In fact, in many situations, the only reason you become angered is because of the fact you love someone, or someone loves you.
All I hang onto through the odd, and tumultuous junkyard that is, (though more accurately 'was'), my 'love' life, is the score card of wrongs, misses and regrets. And try as I might, I still can't get the smell of cat urine out of it. To keep with the underlying theme, the only (or at least most significant) reason you remember all of the "wrongs" of relationships past is because they contained so much emotion.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.Boy it sure feels good when you find out later that an ex lover has made some poor choices in their life, and perhaps in hindsight, they come back to the idea that being with you was actually really great, that you opened their eyes to many new and enjoyable ways of thinking and interacting, and most of all, they regret, even just a little bit, breaking up with you.
Now, I would not call that "delighting in evil" per se, though I did take great comfort in seeing that I was suddenly seen with new value, and appreciated well after the fact. Not to mention the fact that things "post Niko" did not turn out so well for her.
I'm really not sure how love "rejoices with the truth" though. Seems like a pointless, overly vague, and generally content-less statement. But somehow, it sounds nice enough, doesn't it? Who needs significant meaning when you have phrases that make us feel good. . . for some reason.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.No, no, no, and no. It does not always do this. Does it seem to you (again with the rhetorical questions) that this whole verse is beginning to look like exactly the opposite of what reality tells us about love? The rhetorical answer is yes. (Rhetorically speaking of course).
Battered and abused spouses, and crimes of passion should pretty well dispel the "always protects" idea, and trust is easily lost. I would wager that most people out there likely have "trust issues" as well, as they have probably dealt with a previous relationship in which they were given a reason not to trust people. Additionally, if you really were to "always trust" people, regardless of the situation, you would likely end up with your life savings indebted to a Nigerian Prince. Not being overly trusting is actually a sign of wisdom.
"Always hopes". This may be the first one I agree with. However I also have a negative impression of idea of hope. Wait for a future essay.
"Perseveres". It may do this. It may indeed. Take one read of any of the blogs on the site, "Psychotic Letters From Men", and you'll see that perseverance is not always a good thing (though we get to read about it later and mock those who are unaware of their pathetic behavior). Oh Stalking. Could I love you more? (Rhetorical).
Love never fails.*sigh*
Yes, and love lasts forever. Children are also sweet an innocent. Another concept that bothers me quite a lot, this notion of things lasting forever. Mostly you hear it applied to exactly our topic. People often lament about finding a love that lasts forever. I hope you enjoy lamenting, as you'll end up with a degree.
Nothing lasts forever people. Nothing. That is reality. Even our very universe is eventually going to disintegrate into nothingness. This, yet again, is our perception of what love should be, and not what love is (just like that HILARIOUS cartoon of the same name!!).
When it comes to relationships, one or both of your will eventually fall out of love, or one of you will eventually die. Neither of those scenarios constitutes 'forever' in my mind. Score one: reality.
So there we have it folks. An uplifting dissection of a misleading and wholly incorrect poem about how we perceive love, instead of what love actually is.
It may come off that I have something against feeling good, or finding love in some form, and if so, I need to say that that would be incorrect. I still long for everything I've debunked or shredded above. My imagination and desires still takes me where reality fears to tread. If anything, I'm just trying to be grounded and look at what experience and evidence tell us about relationships, albeit in a sarcastic and humorous way. After all, this is still supposed to be entertainment, yes?
Again, the fact that we can conceive of such ideas of love, is at the root of the underlying conflict. Our imaginations are much more beautiful and amazing than anything reality could likely throw our way (with some exceptions). When we are inundated with books, poems, music and movies that espouse the hyper-idealized version of what we want love to be, we will only end up being disappointed by what actually manifests for us. Understanding the nature of reality, especially in regards to love and personal happiness, is the first step at actually attaining something attainable, and then being satisfied with it.
All in all, I could not have designed a better case study for how inaccurate our perceptions of love can be. Let that be a lesson for the future: when you need inaccuracy, look no further then the bible! ZING!
Enjoy reading this blog? Please favorite, rate or bookmark this page, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.
Tags:love relationships emotion perception patient kind envy never fails bible psychology philosohpy
0 comments:
Post a Comment