From the title, you might guess I have a problem expressing general affection, or possibly I might get a bit peeved by public displays of affection. Well, you guessed wrong. (IDIOT!!!!!!!!!) Though I can act awkward in common social situations, when it comes to romantically-based inter-personal relationships, I love psychical affection, and yes, even when it's in public (though I probably still act awkwardly). So if I enjoy acting like a giggly child and sickening those around me with saccharine displays of candy-coated touching and kissing, what could I possibly have a problem with?
As you've already guessed (correctly this time), it's something that will seem so trivial and minute that you'll have a hard time understanding why it is so bothersome to me. You know the drill.
What irritates me is when people act overly affectionate with damn near anyone they come in contact with, including, and especially, light acquaintances (of which I'm usually in the last category).
EXAMPLE 1: Switching schedules.
A few months ago a female co-worker asked me if I would switch schedules with her for an upcoming day. After confirming that I could indeed make the switch, she got immediately excited and said, "Thanks so much! I love you!"
I love you.
I love you? For switching a schedule? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you also love the stranger in the street who glances at his watch to tell you the time? Or how about the fast-food drive-thru operator who lets you have an extra minute to go over the menu?
Yes, yes, I realize that the girl in question did not actually mean that she is IN love with me. But honestly it matters not. The principle remains the same. Does anyone else think her choice of expression did not match the given situation?
EXAMPLE 2: Using the bathroom.
How about this: the girls living below my apartment last year were throwing a little party (the way I worded that it almost sounds like they live in the floor. Literally). I decided to check it out and see how many people I could tear to shreds in my mind (since I'm so pathetic in large social situations, my only recourse is to find a way to feel superior. Pathetic, I know). The one bathroom in their flat was currently "occupado", so one of the roommates came to me with an irrational and impossible proposition:
"Niko? Can I use your bathroom please? I'll love you forever!!"
This is where my eyes roll, then narrow, my teeth clinch, and I let out a sigh.
What is she, ten? How is this any different from the equally weighty, and legally-binding verbal contract of, "pleeeeaasse? I'll be your best friend!!!!!???" I can't tell you how many amazing close personal friends I've made through just such a situation.
Back to her statement, it's not like the notion of being loved forever is bad thing (though I can still find scenarios where it could be), but using such a false and vacant idea like that for using a bathroom is, without saying, . . . . . . . .
(oh man the grammatical humor!)
I looked at her and raised my eyebrow in my overly condescending way.
"That's a ridiculous thing to say," I told her. "But you can use the bathroom anyway."
EXAMPLE 3: Truck stop baby.
I was helping a female bartender put away the bloody mary bar that we set up for brunch. I only do this because I am usually bored, or have been guilted into doing so. Upon completion she said, "Thanks for helping me out, babe."
Last time I checked, my name was neither spelled, nor pronounced that way. "Friend" I can understand, as we could be, under certain definitions be categorized as such (not mine of course, since I'm such an elitist). Same goes with other, more simple words used to denote basic friendship like "pal", "buddy" or "bud", or even the oft used, and overly general "man" and "dude".
Her back was turned while I gave a look of puzzlement. It almost felt somehow wrong of her to call me that. Was she suddenly interested in me? Was this a subconscious Freudian double meaning?
"Babe."
Listen, I don't spend much time at truck stop diners for a multitude of reasons, but to me this very much resembles the stereotype I have concocted in my mind of the 60 year-old, skirt-wearing, chain-smoking, raspy-voiced waitress who goes by the name "Mama" and always asks you if you, "want more coffee, hon?" Not that this bartender is any of those things. In fact, were she not married, I would not mind the notion of being called "babe", but the context would be a bit different.
You don't know me (by "you" I mean "she". Which then means you need to change "don't" to "does not"). Well, to be fair, few do. But I really don't like being called terms of affection, when I am not the object of affection. It's confusing, and it sends mixed messages, whether or not it is intended.
EXAMPLE 4 through 8 billion:
A male bartender whom I work with, and say very little to in general, walks into the restaurant and greets me with a simple, "hey buddy. How's it goin'?" No problem there, I get that this question is just a longer version of "hi". Where I get confused in our social standing is when I am suddenly given an awkward hug. Wait, are we good friends now? Did I miss something?
He gives everyone a hug when he comes into work each day, including me, who as I mentioned, is barely an acquaintance (which, of course, would make us good Myspace friends. HEY-OH!). I can understand his good friends, but me? Why? Doesn't that at all seem the slightest bit eyebrow raising?
Most of the servers are constantly putting their arms around each other and being, at least what I would call, overtly flirtatious with language and body (usually in male/female combinations) when they are chatting. Lots of that "touchy feely" behavior, even when the people involved are in "committed" relationships (yes, the quotes were a bit of a slam. I'm crafty that way) or they are actually married.
It's there, around me every day, and I still don't get it. I don't act that way with my friends, nor do I return the behavior on my own accord in the workplace.
One (or two) can assume, since it is so commonplace, that no one else sees this as being inappropriate, out of place, or even just a bit too much. Besides me.
A short defense.
I can see that some of you may think this is much ado about nothing. You could justify their choice of words as simple uses of common speak, or they mean the words in a less strong or specific manner. Perhaps, yes. Maybe I'm reading into this too much . . . actually, yes I am reading into this too much, but that's what I do regardless. But what about their actions? Is that the same? The over-the-top flirty actions, and constant touching? Can that really be as simple?
What it all means.
I said at the top of this essay, that I am, in fact, quite an affectionate person, but only in very specific situations. I really do love to be intimate and physical with those I feel very strongly for. Which is why, in my mind, I've reserved particular words, gestures, actions, and general behavior for moments in which they are most meaningful. Obviously the idea of meaning is rather subjective, and for me these concepts are most meaningful when they are not given out freely or at random. It's like simple supply and demand: when the quantity of a product goes up, the value comes down. Same goes with affection. If you tell everyone "I love you" for a ranging scale of ridiculous to semi-reasonable justifications, how will the people you actually, truly and whole-heartedly LOVE know the difference?
How will YOU know the difference?
Many people (who are objectively wrong) choose not to subscribe to that particular set of ideals, which is fine (I'm lying). I strongly feel that when, rare as it might be, I tell someone that I love them, it really means something. The actions and words themselves carry greater value due to their inherent scarcity.
Another observation I take away from watching such displays, and being on the receiving end of some, is that the behavior feels very disingenuous; in that it comes off, many times, as fake, or false. I feel like I'm being condescended to, like they are acting.
Needless to say (which is why it's being said), I don't like disingenuous behavior, nor disingenuous people. When someone says something to me, I want it to mean what it is supposed to mean.
Maybe it's all me.
What I notice in many of these blogs, is the potential for me to be the only one who is "out of the loop"; the lone protester dragging his heals in the dirt, desperately fighting the current of modern day acceptable practices. And I fully accept that this, again, may be the case. Is this what everyone else actually does and I'm just out of the "affection loop"? Maybe I'm too frigid, cold, or reserved. Maybe I have trouble expressing affection "correctly".
But what if it's not all my social awkwardness. Then what can we ask about this? Is this kind of social behavior learned through social jobs like this (i.e. server, bartender, nightclub staff, DJ, etc)? Or do people with this behavior gravitate towards jobs like these? A bit too "chicken and egg" perhaps. Still, interesting questions methinks.
The clincher.
The most frustrating part of all of this, is the awareness that many of the mannerisms and unconscious behaviors I have just listed, and spent too long mulling over, have slipped into my everyday repertoire. I've now noticed how susceptible I can be, being influenced by those around me. The other day while checking IDs at the door for a concert, I stopped a young woman before she could enter and said "can I see your ID sweetie?" Guuhhhh.......
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Tags: affection love friend pda social psychology humor
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