The Ebb And Flow... And Ebb

And flow.

It's trite and overused (which is why I'm using it), but there is an old adage that says, "the only thing constant is change."

I think I've experienced enough of life so far to see that everything in my existence has been somehow cyclical. My emotions, perspectives, motivations, interests, even my underwear.

Only a few months back I went through one of my lowest periods ever. To mark the special occasion I wrote a blog about the idea of suicide (It's whimsical and joy-filled. I suggest you read it).

Then I found myself swept up in a sudden flurry of busyness with creative projects, and discovered that my personal satisfaction seemed to be closely tied to my personal productivity.

Now that I've just released my 3rd album, I'm again plunged back into the murky waters of aimless confusion, depression, and restlessness.

So will I forever be stuck in an extreme game of either or, one or the other? Or can a middle ground ever be found? If it can be found do I want it?

It seems that change, is indeed constant.

INPUT AND OUTPUT PHASES

One cycle that has been quite prominent in my life lately is that of the input and output phases.

At the end of 2008 I went through a huge input phase, where all I could do was read, and read some more.

One book led to three, three to five, and five to ten. I felt like a sponge for new knowledge. I watched hundreds of online documentaries and Youtube videos, and researched brand new intellectual territory for me.

It was wonderful. I felt alive. On fire.

It was like a thirst that could never be quenched.

Eventually I became so full with new ideas and information, that I needed to put some of that new found energy back out into the world.

And that's when everything flipped.

No longer did I crave new knowledge. Now all I cared about was creating something.

Again I was consumed with my own projects, driven by an unseen force, perhaps madness itself, to continually create, to channel all of this new energy into something substantial.

When I get really into an output phase, I almost shut off regular life completely. I hardly talk to friends, I almost never go out of the house, and I have no respite or relaxation (or for the kids, "chilaxation"). It's all about the project for that point in time, and nothing else.

And then the project is done.

I'm empty. I'm spent.

I can't start a new project yet until I fill up again.

But I can't fill up again until I feel the itch.

Which leaves me at the bottom of curve, with nothing.

...Except a sandwich.

EMOTIONAL HIGHS AND LOWS

I don't think anyone wants to say that they're bipolar, so I tend to describe myself as prone to intense mood swings.

Totally different.

But it does not change the fact that I'm depressed again.

Apparently that didn't take long.

My emotional high and lows are sometimes connected to my input and output phases.

But not always.

I've had great emotional highs during all-consuming input phases where I'm excited about the new things I'm learning, as well as during productive output phases where I'm creating something new, and vice versa with emotional lows. (No, it's not "vice-a versa", nor is it "ying" yang).

I have moments where I am elated and triumphant, where I feel that I can accomplish anything (which usually don't last long), and then I can plunge into the depths of depression and anger, where everything is hopeless and bleak.

Just like Colorado weather. We can have sun, rain, snow, and sun again in the same day. It makes no sense. And neither do most of my emotions (those stupid fuckers).

I should see by now that I live a life of EXTREMES DUDE!!!! (No, no, no. I'm not that cool. Just emotional extremes. But out of curiosity, did you just picture me snowboarding off of a mountain top in slow motion clutching a Mountain Dew?).

I picture my emotional path like a sine wave.

A continual up and down of experience.

And even though I have been this way since puberty, perhaps even before, I still don't feel comfortable with it.

My extreme lows still bother me greatly, and always feel so unexpected, even though, by now, they should be expected.

I'm not going to change my emotional psyche, so all I can do is learn to accept my fluctuating emotional states, and use them to my benefit when they arrive.

I'll let you know how that goes.

SOCIAL AND ANTISOCIAL

Yet another in my ebb and flow cycles.

For the most part, I've always considered myself NOT a people person.

Perhaps it is because I spend so much time alone, and that most of my real passions are 85% solitary.

Sure, that makes sense, but there's more to it. (I'm sure you saw that coming).

I have a self-perpetuation cycle of not understanding people, fearing people, not liking people, and then purposefully pushing myself away from them which causes more lack of understanding et cetera.

But even with that in mind, I am still a human being (sadly), and humans are social creatures. I can't fight it (well), it's in our brains. We crave interaction, we desire companionship.

So even though I want nothing more (sometimes) than to be completely on my own, isolated from society and looking down on everyone from my self-constructed tower of insecurity-based elitism with a burning scorn for all humanity...

... every few years I find myself in an overwhelmingly social environment.

And what's stranger is that I like it. (Well, sort of. Parts of it. For a while. Kind of).

Usually these moments of odd social cravings are linked to my input phases. And being social is essentially that, input.

My longest big social phase lasted a few years strong, as I became a regular and an employee at a series of connected goth/industrial clubs. I DJ'ed in them (for a while), I worked the door at one, and I went out on my nights off to drink and "socialize" with all of the regulars and staff.

Everyone knew me and I knew... a few of them.

It was a great emotional high (Oooo! More connections!), but like anything, and especially for me, that phase had its abrupt, dramatic and life-changing end.

I died.

(Metaphorically).

Thank god. Fuck that. I don't need people anyway. I'm self-sufficient! I have greater things to work on!

... Except that those projects are done now, and I'm starting to get that people itch again.

Wait!

No!

I don't want to!!

Shit, yes I do!

FUCK!

PROFUNDITY AND WHO CARES?

My ebb and flow across the many areas of my life even extends to philosophy.

Over the last year or so, I've been consumed with philosophy and social psychology.

Every event in my life, or events that happen to those around me, are constantly over-analyzed, and picked apart from every conceivable angle (missionary, doggy-style, etc).

For a while, the deeper I would go with an idea, peeling off layer after layer, the concept would take on greater significance and meaning (personal meaning).

Even the most mundane action, thought or observation could suddenly be extrapolated to mean something amazingly profound about existence in general, and even myself!

It is these moments that fill me full of an infectious electric optimism about my own life (don't laugh, I'm serious). Not in a new age pseudo-spiritual kind of way, but in a very practical, realistic, personal way.

That's the "flow".

And then there is the ebb.

When everything that impacted me so profoundly and so deeply suddenly takes on a new level of "deepness".

When I strip down the layers of meaning and subtlety in any conceptual idea, I find myself at the bottom of it all, which consists of the simplest and most defeatist phrase:

"So what?"

Sometimes every introspective moment brings me nothing but excitement and personal meaning, and then the coin flips and lands on "who cares". Same idea, same train of thought. Two conclusions.

Either the things I do are interesting, important and worth doing, or they are pointless and amount to nothing in the end, and if so, "who cares" right?

Damn this back and forth!

Why can't I just stay inspired?

Because what does it matter? That's why!

Inspiration?

So what!?

Who cares!?

I do! I care!

... Wait, no I don't again.

GAH!!!!!

GET USED TO IT!

There are many more aspects of my life in which this stupid ebb and flow concept rear their stupid heads stupidly (like an idiot).

My ever complicated personal perspectives on love and relationships for one (I'll save that for a whole blog of its own).

As I've said many times, I should be getting used to it by now. It's not as if this just started the other day. But, in fairness, I have only been fully conscious of it recently.

For being almost 29, I sure have not learned much.

Again, the best medicine I could possible prescribe myself is that of acceptance.

I feel that I'm constantly trying to fight who I am (in more ways than one), which as you might imagine, makes things a bit more difficult for myself (a smidgen).

If I could just accept that I will, for the foreseeable future, be forever going back and forth, fluctuating in nearly every aspect of my life, then perhaps I can control it, in a way.

But that takes time.

As with any problem to solve, awareness is the first step.

And I'm now aware that my one constant is constant change, and I'd like to change my continual inconsistencies.

Does anyone else feel subjected to these maddening cycles?



Related blogs:
Focus On My What?
The Depression Panacea
Artistic Integrity And The Dichotomy Of Success
I Resent You Happiness
Too Early For Suicide?

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