I'll change the format of this blog a bit, and give you the theory upfront, instead of gradually through examples, or at the end of the story.
Here it is:
Many, if not most people, tend to prioritize what they have, and who they are with, over who they are, and what they do.
So how did I come to this little silly-sounding tidbit, and what does it really mean?
And the real question: does it even matter?
HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR FREE TIME?
I was talking with a very cool, laid back neighbor of mine, who I only see from time to time. We lightly chit-chatted about random things and he happily told me he had the evening off of work, unexpectedly, and was thrilled to have some free time, which is quite understandable.
I asked him what he was going to do with his time and he admitted he was not quite sure, but he was trying to get a hold of some friends so they could go out somewhere and get wasted.
"Sure," I said, trying to hold back. "That's one way to spend the time."
"Well, what else am I going to do on a Friday evening?" he questioned.
This is why you don't ask me extremely open-ended questions like this, as I have the tendency to want to play with people.
Trying to make a point and also testing for interesting reactions, I let out a stream of options as a substitute for extreme social drinking:
"Let's see, well, you could start writing a book; you could make a blog about your favorite interests; you could draw, sketch or paint a picture;... um... you could write a song; you could begin learning a new instrument; you could study a subject you've always wanted to know more about; you could write down a list of long-term life goals and break them down into smaller, more accomplishable steps; you could learn a new language; start a humorous web comic...uh..."
I stalled for new ideas to throw into my spontaneous tangent.
"Well, maybe YOU could do that," he replied with a chuckle, acting as if I had just asked him pour cottage cheese into his pants, and run around the neighborhood licking mailboxes.
Yes, I was playing with him, but it was also partially serious. Were those suggestions really that strange?
"Anyone can do those things, assuming you want to," I defended, but he was already making his way back into his house, scrolling through his contact list on his phone.
"Hmmm," I thought out loud. "Maybe my priorities are really out of whack. Those sounded like admirable things to do with one's free time, even on a Friday."
It sure doesn't take much for me to feel like I'm struggling against the flow of the river. I guess everything I do or value is completely odd, stupid, or plain ridiculous.
Right?
GOT ANY PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND?
I've been asked that question periodically and it always makes me pause.
I know what they mean by asking me that question.
"Are you going out anywhere, spending time with someone, or doing something that is generally accepted as a traditional social outlet for enjoyment and/or escapism."
Realistically, the answer is both yes and no.
Yes because I have things to do, and I plan to do them.
No because most people don't seem to think of my plans as "plans".
Why? Most of the things I do, and find extremely important, are generally viewed as internal pursuits: Things I do that only involve me. No friends, no going out, no traditional "fun". Hence, weird.
When I tell people the "plans" I have for any given patch of free time, I often receive looks of confusion, blank stares, or sometimes looks or pity and sympathy.
"Poor, pathetic loser," they seem to say.
And what makes me so odd?
Well, take this example of the things that I would be working on right now in my free time, considering my internally focused priorities.
*I need to continue mixing the last few details in a few songs for my new album
*I need to put together the remaining graphic layouts for the album artwork
*I need to write several pieces of copy for the website and promo materials
*I need to start working on a new blog for KingOfDeprecation
*I need to start working on a new blog for The Envinity Blog
*I need to map out a step by step master release list for the Envinity Blog
*I need to finish the last pieces of content for the new website
*I need to create a new global marketing outline for the release of the new album
etc, etc. The list goes on and on.
Sound like a blast? Probably not, huh? Does that sound extremely silly to you?
This is what I do with my free time. Essentially, I work. And, yes, by myself. But I work on my own projects. Things that matter to me that are each, in their own way, a form of self expression. And by doing so, I feel like I am enhancing the person I am, and the things I've done with my life. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
PROJECTING PRIORITIES
I often have trouble identifying with others, and falsely assume that they see the world in the same way I do (projecting). We all do this to greater or lesser degrees in our own way, though lately my problem has become quite exaggerated.
I tend to think that everyone places high value on self-expression, creativity, art, the pursuit of knowledge, and the quest to understand the self. Boy am I an idiot. Those things are stupid. The few times I get into a conversation with someone, I tend to interpret things through those odd priorities of mine, obscuring the obvious meaning of what they intended to convey.
Facebook has been a wonderful way to re-connect with childhood friends and classmates. During a brief "what have you been up to for over a decade" type conversation with an old friend from my youth, I asked her what she had been doing that day.
"I've been really busy with family stuff, so I have not had much of a chance to get to it, but I've been trying to get some painting done today."
Now, you may have interpreted this in its intended meaning already, but not me. I was quite surprised and excited by this comment.
"Wow, that's pretty cool," I commented, taking new interest in the conversation.
"What are you painting?"
"Well right now I just want to get the kitchen done."
Oh...
THAT kind of painting.
Here I was all excited that this person was also an artist and put high priority on artistic expression and creativity, when all she meant was she was simply painting her house.
And for me, that was a let down. Not that kitchens shouldn't be painted, or that it won't make the place look nicer, I'm sure it will. But I felt let down because I thought that I could talk to someone with some similar priorities, and even viewpoints on life.
Nope. I'm the weird one, yet again. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
SHORT TERM FIX
You've just had a long, stressful day at work, and you really need to let off some steam and relax. How are you going to spend your evening? If you are like most young people, you probably will feel trapped sitting around your apartment, and feel the need to let loose, to get away from things.
The social consensus leads many of us to decide that what we need is to go out to a bar or club and get completely hammered. It's instant. It's visceral. And it works.
Albeit temporarily.
We trade in progress on any of our long term goals for ourselves, in exchange for a night of carousing and alcohol-fueled reality-avoidance.
But in the grand scheme of things, this is simply an example of how we subconsciously circumvent tackling our big, challenging life issues, and our grand aspirations for ourselves, via social distractions that simply pass time, without helping us use that time productively for our own benefit.
Though I could not see that a few years ago, it seems clear as day to me now. The focus on such short term trivialities as a main priority will only help to ensure that our lives will pass us by without us even knowing it.
Sure, we'll have some funny stories to share, but nothing truly accomplished to show for it.
In essence, we will live our lives in the passenger seat, forever fearful of taking direct control and responsibility of where, how, or when the car may get to a destination.
That being said, there is nothing wrong with getting together with friends for a round of drinks and laughs after a long day. I understand the appeal, honestly I do. For a few years, I was part of a social circle that did nothing but party all week. I was part of...
THE CLUB SCENE
For most of my adult life I had never been much of a drinker, perhaps just having a few beers here and there or a glass of wine from time to time. It wasn't until I suddenly started DJing in a small, dilapidated club that I became introduced to the extreme social partying scene.
All of my new friends were now bartenders, DJs and club staff, all of whom quite enjoy drinking (an understatement). And in the excitement of this new environment, I adopted the philosophy of, "when in Rome...". (Which I was not in).
Over time, I became a regular at the bars and clubs associated with my bartender and club staff employees. On my off nights I was out, like many, many others, till 2am (usually later) drinking and dancing, and I loved it. It felt exciting, and edgy, like I was part of some sort of underground rebellious movement of misunderstood people who wanted to really live life everyday.
Once I started working as door staff at another club, I was taking shots before, during and after my shift, then we'd all head to another bar after hours where we would, get this, drink some more. 6am sometimes. And that was life. Sometimes five days a week. Work at the club, drink, sleep in late, work at the club, drink, sleep in late, night off, drink at another club, drink after hours, sleep in late... you get the picture.
After many months of this routine, even though I did feel partially included in the group of staff folks and their partying antics, I began to become restless and irritated with the lifestyle. This was not just some friends who got together here and there over a few drinks, this was almost every night with drunken after hours shenanigans. It was the lifestyle.
I grew resentful of many of the people I had considered friends, or at least acquaintances, feeling as if we were wasting our lives away; and I had only been part of it for a year or so.
I was sick of feeling that the only way we could all hang out was through copious amounts of alcohol and social debauchery. Once in a while, sure, no problem. Making it your whole life though?
Quite depressing.
But perhaps only for me.
A MANIFESTO... OF SORTS
Since it has been on my mind for some time now, I've had time to break it all down in to two types of focuses and priorities.
The external (what you have, who you are with) and the internal (who you are, what you do).
To me, there is nothing more important in existence than learning to understand who you are (a deceptively simple, yet extremely complex question), and pure, creative self-expression (what you do).
These priorities have governed my life for as long as I can remember (although the journey of understanding myself has been a bit more of a recent development).
Sure, working on creative projects of any kind does not carry the immediate sex appeal of say, going out on the town with your close friends for a night of hijinks and crazy stories to tell; but the long term goals, and maybe this is only me, completely blow the quick fix out of the water.
So I didn't get out all weekend. So what? I spent time working on things that directly relate to who I am, what I want to do and where I want to go with my life. It's not always hip, cool, or marketable, and few people even understand why doing anything like that would be enjoyable or worthwhile.
And still I don't get it. I really don't. Yes, I've been there before, it was fun for a while, but it quickly lost its luster, and I remain confused as to why it does not do the same for more people.
It seems that hardly anyone places emphasis on the big internal questions (who they are, what they do), and only pursues the external (what they have, who they are with). So maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe it's me who's wasting my life away cooped up inside doing my internally-focused creative ventures and not really going out and experiencing life like everyone else around me.
Which brings me back to the essential question. Does this even matter?
Related blogs:
The Depression Panacea
Gardening With God
Artist Integrity And The Dichotomy Of Success
The Inefficacy Of Prayer
The Feel Good Fix. And Observation On Wants And Needs
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Tags: life goals plans drinking partying social creativity long term short term psychology philosophy know thy self
