Adventures in Guerilla Psychotherapy

I've developed a new interest in human beings lately. More honestly, I've developed a more involved interest in other people's life issues. Relationship problems and confusion about direction in life are two of my favorites. Though I've always seemed to have a bit of the "teacher" mentality, and a propensity to want to help others by sharing my observations, it's only been in the last year that my fascination and journey into psychology and philosophy have really consumed me, and as a result, instantly pique my interest about anything dealing with emotional human drama. The real fascination for me is the puzzle at hand, and the intriguing prospect of solving a complex problem.

Just a few weeks ago, I was working in the Dove during some sort of R&B/Soul cover band show. Once I'm done taking tickets and the show begins, I can relax and simply keep an eye on the door, and make sure no belligerent sauced-out patron throws their fist/spouce through the glass.

During my epic bought of sitting and waiting, a woman entered the lobby on her cell phone, obviously trying to get reception. She was approaching middle age, though still very youthful looking, dark skin, glasses, and a frustrated look on her face. One could tell (therefore so could I) that she was in a flustered, yet slightly depressed emotional state due to her body language and her inability to get hold of a certain person on her phone, someone who seemed to mean something to her, likely a family member or significant other. It only took one sentence for me to figure out exactly what was going on.

"Do you think I'm an attractive women?" she asked, her elbows resting on the counter still trying in vain to get hold of that elusive person.

This is a rather strange, and also very telling way of starting a dialog with a complete stranger. Realizing right away that we are about to delve into some nice emotionally-based relationship puzzles, I quickly snap out of my complacency, and exuberantly jump into psyche mode.

What is she really saying here, and what does she want? Do you think, by chance, she was trying to hit on me? We'll you'd be wrong.

Some of you reading may have already put together an entire story of what this woman's situation is, as I did the same. But I figured I would get there by asking questions instead of simply pronouncing my assessment off of one sentence.

I paused for a moment, analyzing my best course of action and then replied:

"I do. Why, did someone say otherwise?"

She put down her phone for the time being and tried to collect her thoughts.

"Well, not exactly. My husband is a good man, but sometimes I just can't tell anymore."

So at this point we can rule out some sort of physically abusive relationship or a dominating male figure.

"Does he not compliment you?" I ask, already knowing.

"Well, I don't know. I guess not really. "

At this point we are dealing with several intertwined concepts. Self image, value, and desirability, as well the fact that her marriage has grown lifeless and dull.

"He really is a great man though," She continued. "He loves our kids and is always there for them."

". . . And that's wonderful," I jump in. "But the marriage is about more then just the kids. If you are not feeling loved enough, and he is not giving you the affection you need, then that is unfair to you. You are still a person in this relationship."

"I've had many opportunities to cheat on him, but I've always remained faithful." A line that proved again that she was in need of attention, and she needed to feel desirable.

"Well it's a good sign that you have not cheated on him." I switch the conversation back to their relationship dynamic.

"When was the last time you did something, just the two of you?"

"It's been awhile," She lamented. "Every time I say we should do something, he always says 'what about the kids?', or he only wants to do things with the whole family, which as I said, he is a great father, but I just don't think he tries anymore.

"Like tonight," She went on. "I wanted to go to this show, and he just wanted to stay home and watch Matlock."

I chimed in with the obvious. "Matlock is all fine and good, but this concert does not happen often, and therefore that should take priority, especially seeing how this show was something you asked him to do together."

"The Matlock episode was taped too," she sighed.

I raised an eyebrow. "That is pretty ridiculous on his part. He could truly watch that show at anytime, and he chose to watch it during the concert that you wanted him to attend with you."

She agreed wholeheartedly. I could tell she really wanted her husband to be with her that evening.

"Did you tell him how much being at the show meant to you?"

"I said that I wanted him to come with me."

Here is a simple observation about how we communicate, or rather, how we don't communicate, which I've dealt with personally. Being that we see things through our own viewpoint, we will sometimes take for granted that other people will know what we know. You've no doubt heard this before in the overused idea that many women want men to read their minds, and if they don't, then that means the man does not know them or love them. Quick interjection: bullshit.

I explained this common communication error to her, and insisted that she be more open and direct with her husband about her feelings, and interests, even if she thinks he already knows how she feels. Many people are reserved, nervous, or frightened about simply being honest and upfront about how something made them feel, or how something is important to them. It is imperative to remember that other people will never be able to read your mind, so if you want someone to know something, do something, say something, you need to let that person know. Directly.

She nodded in agreement, not saying a word.

I continued counseling her on her marriage in the lobby of the venue, and explained that the key here was less so what she would say, but how she would say it.

"If you go home tonight and say something like, 'the fact that you did not come to the show with me made me angry and upset', then he will immediately put up his defenses, and will not listen to you. What you need to do is to is get him to be emotionally sympathetic to you, which involves you being vulnerable."

She looked at me, contemplating.

"You see, if you approach him with respect, calmly and with emotional vulnerability, you will have a much stronger chance of making him feel for you and listen to you, compared to yelling at him about how you are angry, which will make him put up a wall, and get defensive. You want him to feel for you. You need him to see and hear, in a non-angry way, how much his actions affected the women he loves. If he does indeed love you, the last thing he will want is to hurt you, and to show that will bring him into an emotional state where he sympathizes, and feels responsible for your emotional state.

"Don't use "think" words. You can always be wrong about things you think. Use "feel" words, as anything you feel cannot be disputed."

She smiled at me. "I can see that. That makes a lot of sense."

At this point I mentioned another strategy for keeping the other person's defenses down during an important, and potentially difficult talk. I told her to add positive, reenforcing language into her speech, so it would not feel that the whole thing was negative and overwhelming. I gave her the example of, "when you are using your 'feel' words and being calm and vulnerable, try to give him a compliment as well just to help him be more receptive to your feelings.

"You could say something like, 'it really hurt me tonight when you did not want to spend time with me at that show. [then add reenforcing language] I love being with you, and we always have so much fun together, [back to emotional language] but I feel that you don't spend enough time with just me anymore. [direct honesty] I need you to know that [positive reenforcement] I love you very much, [stating what you think they should already know] but spending time with you tonight was really important to me, [vulnerable and direct] and the fact that you chose to stay home really hurt me."

She nodded again, turned her head and stared off into space contemplating all of the new information.

"This won't be easy," I reaffirmed. "It's hard for most people to be so open and vulnerable about their emotions, especially with someone they've been with for a good while. But as I said before, you are still an individual person with needs and interests, and he needs to know that, and you need to know that too. Only you can show him, with respect and tact, how certain things are important to you. I'm sure you don't mind staying home to do what he wants to do, but once in a while he needs to do some things that you want to do as well."

She smiled and her eyes lit up, "Wow. I think I could really do that. I think I could go home tonight and say those things to him!"

I smiled back, feeling positive that my insight was applicable to her.

Her face quickly changed to that of confusion and surprise.

"Wait a minute. . ." She said like a dear caught in headlights. "What is going on here? Are you like a psychiatrist or something?. . . going to school for it? . . . what's the deal . . .?"

I laughed lightly and smiled.

"No. I just have an interest in psychology and philosophy."

She laughed a bit herself, no doubt putting the entire conversation into the perspective that she was just given random psychological advice and marriage counseling from a complete stranger sitting at a desk during a concert.

"Thank you so much!" She beamed, as she opened the door and walked back into the venue.

"You're very welcome. I hope everything works out for you." And with that, I put my feet back up on the desk, and waited patiently for my next random human puzzle.



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