Here is a great post about an odd story that happened to myself and my friend Ty one evening. I let Ty type up the experience and re-posted his memories of the night. Enjoy!
I get a call from Niko last night about how a girl has basically been calling him none stop to come to a house party that she’s hosting. Niko is debating on whether or not to go and would really like for me to buddy up with him so that he won’t have to brave the dangers of unknown house parties alone. Of course, with nothing better to do, I agree.
After picking up Niko we begin our long trek to an unknown location somewhere East of Denver. After about 45 minutes of driving and trying to figure out the directions this girl wrote out we eventually find the house. As we pull up we see some guy just standing in the garage. What could he be doing and more importantly, are we at the right house? We finally decide to just walk up to the house and investigate the situation. As we near the man we see that he is of mexican decent and at least 40 years old. Niko asks if Monica (the girl) is around and he says yeah, she’s in the house somewhere. We then enter into the house, and thus, a nightmare of a situation.
We enter and notice that there aren’t too many people in the house, probably around 20 total. The odd thing about the situation is that about half of them are seemingly 40 and up. Monica sees us, comes over and we shoot the shit for a while. She’s clearly drunk at this point and continually points out that she has a hair tie on her wrist so that if she has to throw up she’ll be prepared. That’s right, she’s a thinking women! As we hear her ramble on about things I don’t even want to recall I see this big mass of dark colors approaching me out of my peripheral vision. I turn to see what it could possibly be and it’s this giant white guy with long hair and a hoodie. He stands next to me for a few seconds and then he starts to ask me if I have any drugs, to which is say nay. As he is talking I can’t help but notice how much he looks like all of those "primitive man" pictures you see in science text books and evolution charts. He is freakishly tall (about 6’5"-ish), hunched over and incredibly bulky, he has a forehead that actually manages to stick out further than the rest of his face, he has the protruding brow and lastly an incredibly ape like mouth area. I have never believed more in evolution than last night. As if all of these things weren’t bad enough, when he opened his mouth it literally looked like a grenade exploded in his mouth. He had teeth pointing in just about every direction possible. As an added bonus his speech was really slow and his reaction time was even slower. We called him Neanderthal.
I do not know what brought this guy to me but my theories point to him seeing that Niko and I had long hair and thus he felt like we could relate to him. After talking to him for a few minutes he left and everything was right in the world again...or so we thought. This older guy comes stumbling out of the kitchen and notices Niko and I. He was probably 45, had a pony tail coming out of the trucker hat he was wearing, looked to be way to tan and for lack of a better description it seemed as though he didn’t have enough skin for his face. His face literally looked stretched. He, too, asked if we had any drugs, to which we said nay again. He then went on about how much he loved Alice Cooper and that people often times mistaken him for Alice when he would sing. This guy was by fair the most cracked out, drunk guy I have ever meet in my life. He was starring off into space, wobbling around violently, speaking with a slur, and wildly looking around in general. To boot, when he would open his mouth at all his lips would curl up and his teeth would be fully exposed.
Niko told Monica to help us get away from this guy and she clearly didn’t understand what he was asking because she just said out loud, for all to hear, "Let’s go downstairs!" Crack Guy, the aforementioned cracked out guy, was all for that idea as he followed us downstair. Once downstairs Monica and Niko took one of the couches and I was lucky enough to share a couch with Crack Guy. I got to hear about his his two ex-wives and about how they took everything from him. He then went on about his first ex-wife, whom he had a child with. And I quote,"When my first wife got pregnant *wobble wobble* she was like I’m gonna get an abortion and I was like fuck no you ain’t...this is my first child and you can’t be killing it. So she ends up having the child and like a week later she just leaves me. Then...the government came and took my child because I hadn’t been paying my income taxes and I was like man, I taught this baby how to shit and piss for like the first five years of it life and then they just take it."
This is basically the guys mentality, blame others for everything that happens to him. Plus, I don’t really think that the government is going to overlook poor tax management just because you taught a child how to piss and shit. He then goes on to point out that his first wife married four other times but now she wants him back because I guess he’s the real winner out of all the other guys.
Eventually Neanderthal finds his way downstair and he proceeds to play with these two children, one was 6 for sure and I’m guessing the other was 10-ish, that are running around in the house. They continually run past him and after a few seconds he reacts to the gust of wind he feels by raising his arms in the air and making a growling sound. This goes on for several minutes. He then proceeds to tell us "man, I love these kids man, it reminds me of my nieces that I use to play with." He literally told us this every other minute for probably 15-20 minutes.
Eventually Crack Guy and Neanderthal start talking about there high school days.
CG (Crack Guy): Man, when I was in school I was like a 3.22 student but like they called me F-Troop in gym class because I got an F in it.
N (Neanderthal): I know dude, I totally failed gym class too!
CG: All these bitches were like doing laps on I’m like up on the bleachers just like smoking a joint and shit.
N: Me too dude, I mean, the coach is like "go run laps and shit" and I’m like fuck you cause all he does is sit around while we run. So I would like go back behind the school and smoke some weed to man.
High five!
I think it’s very safe to say that both of these guys, mostly Crack Guy, are two of the biggest losers I have ever meet. I usually don’t like to make such huge judgments like this but I know this to be true. Crack Guy will now be the measuring stick by which I will measure all other losers I meet to. I think it’s also important to point out that Niko and I literally said nothing to Crack Guy. We would simply agree or smile at what he was saying and he probably talked to us for an hour and a half.
Just for added enjoyment, and a lack of any real place to put them, I’ve decided to end this blog with several quotes from Crack Guy. Enjoy.
"The way to make money is to like...get customers!"
"I knew Tony Hawk man...that guy was a bitch."
"Man, if you’re going to have to take a drug test and like...you’ve been doin’ drugs then you should get someone else’s piss. But remember, it needs to be warm. If it ain’t just pop it in the microwave for like 15 seconds. Pee should always be between 90-100 degrees."
"You know what I believe in? I believe that you shouldn’t hit women and you shouldn’t slap kids. That’s what I believe in. But man, if a woman hits you like a man...then you just slap her like a bitch. But I don’t believe in violence."
FLESH PIZZA SAYS...
2 months ago
