There is a moment of time when everything about that person is uncannily similar to you; their interests, their hobbies, their taste in music, films and books; their goals for their life; their political opinions; hell, even their humor is exactly the same as yours!
Right?!
I mean, how crazy is that?!
It's like, you know, perfect!
Perfect. Just like the last several people you dated. (Oh! Snap!)
In this essay, I want to explore the concepts of potential and self-projection as they relate to relationships and friendships.
Sure, when I word it that way, it probably sounds dull, after all, they are big words and heady concepts.
But it suddenly becomes important when you realize that many of the things you saw in someone may not even be there at all.
So why did you think they were there in the first place?
THE POTENTIALITY PLAGUE
I guess I have trouble seeing people for who they are in the now.
Have you ever had a friend or a lover that you thought very highly of, for instance you think of them as extremely talented, or smart, or creative, or driven etc?
I see people that way all of the time.
And I'm wrong.
Almost all of the time.
So what would make me think so highly of them to begin with?
Which brings us to concept numero uno.
Potential.
I've figured out, actually several years ago, that I seem to see people for what they COULD be, as opposed to what they actually are right now.
And the difference is huge.
When I meet someone new, someone who talks about being creative, or proclaims that she has an interest in some historical event or philosophical idea, I find myself coming to the perception that this person does, or is really passionate about all of these things. You know, face value (by Phil Collins).
Sadly most people do not actually personify the things they talk about, or think they have an interest in. This is where their own self-perception comes into play. In their mind, they think they are these things, and guess what? Therefore they are.
Even recently I've had a bad track record of seeing particular people as one thing, and only seeing much later, that they really are not, at all, that thing.
And boy does that make me feel stupid. (I'll let you put your obvious insults towards me here).
THE BIG LET DOWN (POTENTIALLY)
After I had come to realize this idea that I was only seeing people for their potential, and not who they actually were, I began to dissect it, in order to find out exactly why I was doing such a shit job at seeing the reality of that person.
A while back, I dated a girl who designed and made her own clothes.
Naturally, as a creative person myself, I really loved that aspect of her.
After a while of seeing her work, I began encouraging her to start her own online business where should could have some preset designs for girls to choose from (making it easier for her) and then she could put it together and make some money doing something she was obviously good at, and seemed to enjoy.
For whatever reason, she continually shot down any idea that dealt with her doing something real with her talent. Well not for "whatever reason". It's usually the same reason for anyone. Fear.
Point is, as time went on, I began to see that even though she had a talent for this, that she never wanted to do anything with it. Well, except here and there for herself.
Did she not want to do something more than work at her typical job, drink, and party?
This made me look at every other aspect of her with a more discerning eye.
...'Cause that's what I do. (Come to think of it, that's probably part of the reason she broke up with me).
She talked about being interested in doing something with music, maybe singing with a band for fun, but never did anything about it. She claimed to be interested in some things about history or philosophy, yet she never seemed driven enough to go and learn anything directly about them. And she obviously had a talent for designing fun clothing, but never wanted to pursue anything dealing with that.
So it's not like everything she said was a lie, because it wasn't. It's just that it became clear over time that she had a lot of potential to do some interesting things with herself and her life, her talent, and her mind, and that was about it. The potential.
Well shit. If my relationship could be built around potential, what about my friendships?
THEM TOO
To some people, saying something like, "Hey, you've got a lot of potential!" is a compliment.
They smile and feel all warm and fuzzy, and respond with enthusiastic, "thank you!"
Well, not me.
Potential has become another word in my vocabulary that carries an alternative connotation, sitting on the proverbial shelf with selfishness, hope and success.
In fact, I can now use, "you've got a lot of potential," as a hidden insult to people, as most people will take it positively, even though I secretly mean it as a jab. Get it? (Feel free to use that one).
Where was I?...
Potential and friends. Yes.
Looking back I can see how many of my friendships have been based on my seeing only potential in them.
I see the person they could be one day, the heights to which they could aspire, dream, think, create, et cetera. And this is the person I peg them to be.
Which is wrong.
It is not who they are now. It's who they could be if they cared enough to try.
In one way, you could look at it as if I'm seeing the good in people.
(Okay, you can stop laughing now.)
I don't buy that either. In reality, I'm seeing a false representation of that person, an almost idealized version of their possible future.
But whose idealized vision?
THE WANT, OR LACK THEREOF
The big problem in seeing only potential in people is that people rarely live up to their potential. (I'm sure you can relate to that).
It's hard. It requires work. Working on yourself and your talents. It requires the desire to actually do/achieve/create those things for which you have potential.
That's scary. It's overwhelming. It's daunting.
So few people do it.
And sadly, so I've found, few people even want it.
And that is kind of an important factor, wouldn't you think? Wanting it?
So I'm stuck viewing people in this stupid bubble of infinite potential, when they usually have no interest, what so ever, to work on any of the things I (potentially) admire about them.
Here's an example for you:
Have you ever had a friend that's really amazing at something, say, writing? And all you ever do is talk about that friend as if he's brilliant, and is going to be huge someday? But for some reason that "brilliant, soon to be famous" friend isn't doing anything about it?
Damn that pisses me off.
I've asked just such a person like that, the reason they are not working on their talents, or trying to get their ideas out into the world.
He was spending most of his time sitting around the house playing video games, or out drinking with friends instead of writing, which was depressing to see.
"Hey man, when are you going to finish that book you've been working on?" I asked him.
"Who knows. Someday. Maybe. I don't know," he shrugged.
"You really should, you know," I encouraged. "You're one of the best writers I've read. Honestly. Some of your stuff is really brilliant. You need to get this out there."
"Eh, whatever..."
He didn't care.
He really didn't.
His talent meant nothing to him, because it did not coincide with his interests.
So much talent, so much amazing perspective and gift for saying things in ways I would have never thought of, and yet he didn't really give two shits about it.
Yet another example of someone whose potential will forever remain just that.
Potential.
And it saddens me.
THE DAMN E WORD!
At 28 years old, I'm only starting to see that I am not very good at reading people objectively.
Sure, I can throw out the odd psychological evaluation, or random relationship/life counseling for friends and co-workers (and I do), but I've come to understand how much I cloud my own view of them.
And what, pray tell, could cloud my view?
Well, yes, we talked about potential. But we're talking about something else now.
If you've read a smattering of my previous essays you should be able to yell it out by now.
Got it?
No?
Fine. I'll just hand it to you.
Like so many other things in life, the culprit is the ever-obfuscating Emotion.
Yes emotion.
And what is exactly is going on with emotion?
Well in this particular case, the aspect of emotion that is doing most of the dirty work is a silly little fellow named Desire [Johnson].
It is desire that influences much of what we see, or more appropriately, what we think we see in others.
Which brings us to the other concept of the essay.
THE PROJECTIONIST
No. Not the guy who runs the movies.
Self-projection.
All right, personal example time.
GO!
One of the girls I've always found myself infatuated and, what I would call, "in love with" damn near half of my life (see: "Soul Mates"), has always represented the things I think I want in a female.
I always thought she was uncannily similar to me; her interests, her hobbies, her taste in music, films and books; her goals for their life; her political opinions; hell, even her humor was exactly the same as mine!
Wait, this sounds eerily familiar...
Didn't I just say this at the beginning of the essay?
(You know what that means... cyclical dichotomy time).
So she's everything I want in a person...
... Or is she?
[ENTER DESIRE JOHNSON FROM STAGE RIGHT]
Perfect timing.
Let's connect this back to the emotion of desire.
It is possible, (but hardly probable) that this girl possesses all of the these amazing qualities I saw in her. It would be rare, and the odds are against it, but it is literally possible.
But what is more likely, is that the reason I see these things in her, is because I want to see them.
Did you get that? It's important, so I'll repeat that last line for emphasis.
The reason I see these things in her is because I WANT to see them.
And I do, trust me I do. I really want to see these things in her.
I find her attractive, so naturally I would desire her to be everything I want ideally.
But just because I want to see certain things in her, does that automatically mean she has them?
Of course not.
Unfortunately for me, what I'm really doing here is projecting my own priorities, interests and desires onto her, and choosing to see these things as if they were part of her, instead of being part of me.
And we all do this (really). Sorry (well, not really). It's true (really).
We see what we want to see because we desire it. We project ourselves and our desires onto anyone we remotely like, instantly imbuing them with everything we personally hold dear. And we keep on thinking, "Wow, this person is so much like me!"
Sorry sweetie. It's YOU that's like YOU.
Combine this with the let down of potential and you have a volatile mixture, sure to destroy anyone's hope for happiness in personal relationships.
LAND OF CONFUSION
So here I'm left not knowing what to think about anyone.
Every time I meet someone new and think positively of them, I have to second guess it.
Any time I find some girl attractive and think something positively about her personality I have to second guess that too.
Does she really possess those qualities? Does she only have the potential and not the desire or interest in those qualities? Am I just projecting my own wants and priorities onto her? Is she really as smart as I think she is? Or do I just want her to be?
Wait a minute...
.... Oh shit. What about me? Do my friends and family see me as not living up to my potential, therefore disappointing them all? Are they all projecting their personal goals, wants, and priorities onto me?
Yes, they are.
Is that the only reason anyone tolerates me?
Fuck. How will I ever accurately know anyone?
Well, if they're anything like me (and I have a feeling they have the potential to be), I think we'll get along just fine.
Because that's what I desire.
Related blogs:
Internal And External Priorities
Soul Mates
In Defense Of Selfishness
The Feel Good Fix: An Observation On Wants And Needs
Self-Perception: What A Beautiful Thing!
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Tags: philosophy psychology self perception self projection potential emotion desire relationships friendships
