I had just been broken up with after a fun and odd rollercoaster relationship, and felt compelled to say something about this day of chocolates and paper hearts.
I resubmit the following for your... amusement? No. Enjoyment? No. Bitter cynicism? Maybe.
I've also written a new contribution to the essay in italics below, dealing with my one good Valentines day, which I did not feel like talking about when I wrote this originally.
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I was going back and forth debating whether or not to post anything in regards to Valentines Day. I know it's an easy topic to criticize, and I'm betting that there will be a significant number of blogs posted today with more or less the same sentiment, nevertheless, I have observations that I wanted to get collected as well.
I've only had one good Valentines Day. One in. . . .well. . . .a good handful anyway.
It was valentines day 2007.
Myself, and a friend of mine decided to attend a local goth/industrial club for two reasons:
A) We knew most of the staff, and DJs, and...
B) We were likely looking for an easy way to not be at home, yet again, on a Valentines day. (Which I had done for almost every one I can remember).
As we pulled up to park, a bartender in the scene, and mutual friend of ours, pulled up beside us. We chatted lightly about what she was up to, and she mentioned coming from a concert where her recent dating-person (he wasn't really a boyfriend... is there a better name?) had performed.
She seemed disappointed, as after the show, this gentleman seemed much more interested in talking with fawning young girls, than paying any attention to her.
So, wisely, she left, and came to the club.
Inside, my friend and I drank (as one does) and walked the rooms chatting with acquaintances, and occasionally dancing to the random odd song.
When I glanced over at the bar, I saw my bartender friend, sitting down and drinking, looking very forlorn.
Her whole body language said that she was more hurt by the situation than she wanted to let on.
"Maybe I should say something?" I thought to myself.
Once I finally decided to talk to her, the music changed from up-tempo electro dance-whatever, to a slow ballad. Specifically, Mazzy Star's "Fade Into You".
Perfect, I thought.
Nervously, I approached her, and somehow, managed to pull her away from her depressed drinking, and onto the floor with me (though it did take some convincing).
Suddenly the two of us were there, in the dark, slow dancing to Mazzy Star, and the feelings were wonderfully exciting.
We would glance into each other's eyes with a sort of knowing, and confusion; both of us smiling, unable to hide the fact that we had each come to a new realization about each other.
As if out of nowhere.
In that one beautiful moment, we had seen each other in a new light, and connected in an emotional way, that up until then, had never existed.
Jumping to the conclusion: a few weeks later we started dating.
That was my only good Valentines day so far, but I still can look back with rose-colored glasses.
*sigh*
I miss that feeling.
Ever since I was old enough to have the concept of love mean something to me, I began to place a small bit of importance to February 14th. I was inundated with commercials, movies, music and books that pushed idealized love, and for that matter, a particular day to show that love.
At the beginning, this was all taken for granted. But as many of you find when growing up and dealing with reality, and people, you begin to lose your glossy outlook on life, and unfortunately, love.
The easiest thing to say here (and coincidentally, the most obvious) is that Valentines Day is just that. A Day. Just another day in which many companies desperately plot to sell their wares to you, and even more clever, make you feel guilty for not purchasing their wares. Similar to the many other yearly staple of obligatory holidays like Christmas, father's/mother's day, birthdays, halloween, and the biggest offender of all, Canada Day!
Knowing full well that most of these holidays are now entirely driven by companies and their "must have" goods, does not change the fact that this day is built around the fallacy of idealized love.
You've probably noticed, but most people's relationships are not like the movies.
Many couples get together as a mistake, or as a result of too much alcohol.
Most couples won't last, and the ones that do often stay together, not because of true love, or even regular love.
Comfortability is a common bond. Staying together because it's easy. Or staying together out of fear of the unknown.
Sometimes it's worse.
Sometimes they stay together for only physical attraction when they fight, scream, hurt, abuse and cheat on one another regularly.
Good times.
Why don't they show that couple on commercials? That's at least real.
I can tell you personally that having the notion of idealized, perfect love has not helped me in my strange journey through life. Trust me, it's a beautiful concept and when displayed in stories, songs and film, it is everything you ever hoped for. But the side effects are that we get these ideals in our subconscious, and forever distort our more healthy, grounded understanding of two people interacting, into something that can never be obtained, leaving us forever unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
But wait - there's more!
The result of all this Valentines Day hulabaloo, is actually often the opposite of the original intention, by only causing those without a relationship to feel lonely and unworthy, just in its inherent nature.
This feeling can also make us question ourselves, and put in a need for finding a significant other. What this is basically telling me in so many words, is that I am no good on my own, and if 'everyone else' is in a relationship, therefore so must I be.
Not really the best affirmation for self-empowerment is it?
What about those of us in a relationship during the obligatory "you better do something nice for me" day? Does it really offer the great romantic potential that we see plastered all over our TV screens? I'm going to go ahead and just say 'no' here.
I think that many a "V-day" has the chance to be pleasant and nice, but I'm going to wager that the truth of the matter is that it's really more stress and disappointment then anything else.
How romantic can it be to receive a gift or gesture of affection when it is subliminally required?
Hell, it's not even subliminal, it's direct and shoved down your throat!
Back to the matter, yes, it's always nice to be thought of. But it's not quite as thoughtful when you realize that they were supposed to think of you; in a way, required to think of you.
Isn't what in part makes something romantic the fact that it is not fully expected? Getting a gift from someone on a random day to show they were just thinking of you seems to me a greater sign of that person's interest in you. That, or they are cheating and feeling guilty.
I'm trying to stay with the former here.
Many of these holidays have far too much expectation built around them.
Once there is the requirement to do something or buy something for someone, expectations set in and forever skew your enjoyment of said gestures. Either it was not good enough, or it was the same as last year, or the same as an ex-lover who you are not on good terms with, or you just end up feeling guilty because your lover made more effort than you, and made you feel that your mindless contribution to the monetary obligation machine was less then.
And yet, with all of this very heady talk of analyzing this and that, and fully realizing that this day has no power or real meaning, my emotions still get the best of me and for whatever reason, make me wish I still had someone to feel obligated to buy something for.
You might also be interested in:
- Soul Mates
- A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!
- (Mis) Perceptions Of Love
- You Should Meet My Friend Niko
- Your Self-Projection Has Potential
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