Leave Your Honesty At The Door

"Hey, how are you doing?"

Don't Think. What was the first response that came into your head?

If you said anything remotely close to "fine", without really thinking about it, you're probably in line with most of us who have stopped treating such a greeting as a legitimate inquiry. In fact, if you'll observe how people use it in most everyday scenarios, you'll see that this question is not even a question. The person asking this question, for the most part, is not interested in your well being physically, emotionally or mentally. It has become, over time, just a greeting. A simple acknowledgment of your presence. It is now the equivalent of nodding to signify that the person saw you.


Think of the last time you were at any type of social gathering. What is the common etiquette for behavior when greeting several people in quick succession?

You walk into the room and greet the first person you see with a "Hi, how are you doing?" But you see someone right next to that person that you also know. Do you wait to hear the first person's response to your truly meaningful question? Or do you immediately shake the next person's hand and give them a similarly empty, "Hey, how's it going?" I'm putting my money on door number two here.

If we don't really care to hear the answer, why ask the question? Because it is not a question.

So really, if you think about it, this back and forth has no really value or depth for either person beyond a substitute for "Hello", "Hi". The person asking the question is not really interested in any serious explanation of where you are in your life, and how that may be affecting you on multiple levels, and the person responding to the question is usually not being honest, or really thinking about the question in the first place, generally spouting out something along the lines of "fine", "Alright", "not bad", "pretty good", and "can't complain". It's almost like a knee-jerk reaction.

Why do we find ourselves using such similar answers to this "question", when it is not always true that we are "pretty good" or "just fine"? My observations lead me to a few conclusions, some of which you've no doubt come to already.

The first, and easiest of these, is that during the evolution of this back and forth, we've learned, even if only subconsciously, that this is indeed no different then a short courtesy nod. It usually brings us no benefit to be thoughtful about this question, and give an open and thorough dissertation of how we came to our current state of being, if the person who asked you this insincere question has already put their attention elsewhere, and in fact, is most likely not very interested in getting a thoughtful reply.

The second reason deals with our fear of direct honesty. Yes, we all have some of it, even you. We fear expressing ourselves in a way that may make us feel or look vulnerable and flawed. We seek approval in the eyes of others, and it is for these reasons we are often quite weary of being upfront and honest, especially when the truth is not very pleasant. So in a back and forth rhetorical "dialog", it is easier to just depend on preset phrases, rather then open up emotionally and possibly make the situation awkward for those involved.

We seem to unconsciously agree on certain social standards and practices, and if you have ever tested this topic yourself, you may have noticed that some people (not all) will actually look surprised that you had something real to say to the statement. This tells me that most people are not prepared for a real conversation, therefore shame on you for putting them on the spot by making them think about what you said, and then "forcing" them to come up with something relevant to say. . . on their own!! *gasp!*

There are, of course, situations with close friends and family that the question has genuine purpose. You might even be interested in hearing the person's reply. (How kind of you!). But that is not the subject of this essay.

The phenomenon at hand has been very noticeable for me in the past, and again recently during my previous stint working the door for a downtown nightclub, and now working occasionally at the Soiled Dove Underground. Different patrons, same behavior (at least in this regard).

Going through a long line of people, checking IDs and/or taking tickets, I tend to say a lot of, and hear a lot of the aforementioned pseudo question. As I listed above, you rarely get someone straying from the unsaid script of how two strangers interact without divulging anything too personal. And it was in this onslaught of people, saying the same things person after person, night after night, that I got a bit irritated with the lack of exchange and decided to change things up a bit.

While still working at the clubs, I decided to have what little fun I could and play with people by simply seeing how (or if) anyone reacted to slightly vulnerable honesty, but spoken in the same tone and manner as you would by saying "doing fine". During my experiment, I was in the midst of some emotional turmoil dealing with my then relationship which was beginning to see some downs among the ups, which helped in the genuineness of my honesty.

This time, when the first patron walked in and acknowledged my presence with a question by saying, "Hey Niko, how's it going?" I replied calmly with:

"Shitty".

They took a moment, and did a double take. There was a wonderful pause where I could actually see the person being thrown off of the typical script, forcing them into the frightening world of spontaneous conversation that requires one to think.

"Um. . . what? . . . shitty? . . . . seriously? . . . I uh. . . Why?"

To me the rest of the dialog was irrelevant, all I wanted was to shake some people out of the expected exchange of a non-question, and pointless answer. I really had no desire to elaborate on my "shittiness".

These days at the Dove, I can achieve a similar effect by expressing how I am by responding, "Mediocre". Which for the most part is true. I also enjoy making things more uncomfortable and unexpected by going off on long diatribes on the factors leading me to whatever current state I may be in, of course making it a point to be as personal as possible. This last part works best if people first inquire into why you are in such a state. It actually puts a smile on my face watching people react to something they are not used to, namely, openly honest conversations about emotional and personal situations with total strangers. It's really fun.

I've even been thanked from time to time for my honesty, which as demonstrated, seems to be quite rare.

The point of this is not that everyone needs to be blunt and emotionally vulnerable all the time, although I do feel that it is healthy and personally beneficial to learn this skill (yes, honesty is a skill, which needs to be practiced and honed over time). If anything, I just like to make people aware of little things within our culture or human behavior that we may take for granted.