I sat at the computer checking my usual round of websites, blogs, news and videos, as I sipped on my morning coffee. I felt especially groggy that morning, and the coffee slowly helped to make me aware of being awake.
After laughing out loud to a particularly humorous video, I heard the sound of knocking on the door of the apartment next to me.
I live in a converted old victorian building in the heart of Denver, and my housemate next door often has a friend of two over for wine, food and music. His brother also lives in the apartment downstairs, so people knocking on his door is not unusual.
A moment passed, I heard the sound of two women talking quietly outside his door, which is also outside my door.
Two women eh? Sounds steamy.
Another moment and another knock.
I guess he was not home. "I wonder who was trying to talk with him," I thought briefly.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
And now I had my answer.
I knew who it was. It could only be Jehovah's Witnesses.
"Awesome!" I said to myself with a smile.
PREPARING FOR BATTLE
Awesome?
Yes. I, like most normal people, used to politely turn them away at my door saying that I was not interested, or something similar. I've always used a sort of awkward politeness to handle the situation, but that never seemed to work.
They will bombard you and overwhelm you as fast as they can before you have a chance to really think about it. It's happened to me before.
And I usually leave the situation feeling somewhat raped, staring into nothingness, still clutching the Watchtower magazine they hypnotized me into taking.
Which is why I've taken the easy way out after that, by simply cowering behind my couch as if no one was home (though the TV blasting might have given me away).
I know some people who can be blatantly rude to them, and honestly, I wish I had the balls to do the same. I mean it is extremely arrogant and impolite to go right up to someone's door and begin preaching to them about how everything you believe is wrong.
"You're an idiot and a terrible person, sir, now take this literature saying the same thing. Have a lovely day!"
Fuck you! Honestly.
Who else does that? (Besides the milk man).
I've realized that dealing with Jehovah's Witnesses is like a game of wits. A battle if you will.
And so far, I've lost every one. And I feel like a spineless pushover.
But no, not this time!
Oh no!
This time I actually want to talk to them.
It just so happens that in the last year or so I've been reading up on a lot of information about religion and Christianity in particular. Books, essays, videos, documentaries and discussions. This would be my first encounter with Jehovah's Witnesses, now that I had some background in the subject and ammunition on my side.
This time I was ready.
To quote nearly every terrible action movie ever made:
"Let's do this!"
*sound of shot gun being pumped*
(I would have also accepted, "Let's rock and roll!!!!!")
MEET THE WITNESSES
As I approached the door, I began to worry a bit, thinking that I might suddenly freeze up, or forget all of the good arguments I had learned, instead standing there going, "well, uh... uh... but if you read.... um... what about... uhhhhh...". Obviously that would be no fun, nor something I could share with the ol' grandkids. Plus it would leave me in the same molested and broken state I so vividly remember from my past encounters.
Oh, pathetic past version of self, I will avenge thee!!
I opened the door to see my assumptions confirmed.
Two ladies stood at the top of the steps, one, an older white lady (perhaps late middle aged) with a round shape, and one younger black girl, pretty, who wore a light blue flowery dress, which seemed a bit old-fashioned.
The older lady held a bible, and a few pamphlets under her arm.
"Hello, sir," the older lady started. She was obviously the mentor, no, the LEADER of the pair, and I assumed the one who was going to do all of the talking. This was to be my opponent.
I smiled and nodded. (I was getting nervous, but also filled with excitement. This was it....).
She noticed that I did not slam the door in her face, nor did I make a negative face as the sight of their presence (as most people surely do), which I'm sure was both refreshing and scary for her. She saw she was being given the opportunity to talk, and wasted no time in getting to her opening hook.
I took a breath.
All right, lady. "Let's dance!!"
*Three shot guns being pumped*
THE END TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The tension was thick.
What would be her first move? What cards would she deal me? And would I really be prepared enough to duel?
I had a moment of doubt.
And then it started.
"What do you think is happening, when you look at the world these days...?"
Okay, okay. Here we go. Think man. What is she getting at? Keep it vague for a while...
"What do you mean exactly?" I inquired.
The lady looked a bit nervous to me. Could she be feeling the heat of combat as well? One can only hope.
The younger girl stood firm with a smile, and gave me eye contact, the older lady, the one who was doing all of the talking, almost never looked at me directly in the eyes. My shirt seemed to occupy a lot of her gaze, as did the floor, or the wall next to me.
Interesting.
She continued.
"Well, when you see everything on TV, like... the... people killing their families, and babies dying... and... the terrible things going on... what do you think is happening?"
Ah ha! So we're going this route eh? Well I'm not going to give you even a crumb! Take this:
"I think it's the same thing that's been happening throughout history," I said, as honestly as I could without appearing too smug. (Too late).
"Mmm Hmm," she dismissed me.
Well played.
"Well we believe," she began to explain as she opened up one of her pamphlets, "... that this is a sign of the end times spoken about in the bible."
You see how she did not even inquire into why I thought what I did, and just pushed directly into what she wanted to say? That's good. That's because she could give two shits about what I really think. She knows I'm wrong, and she's trying to keep control of the conversation.
To make my first real move, I needed something more to react to, so I encouraged her.
"All right," I agreed, in that sort of 'go on' type way.
"Yes, and we also wanted to... to let you know that Jesus will usher in a new era, which will be 1000 years of peace."
Okay, this was my first opportunity to say something.
What to say, what to say?
Now I could just throw a bunch of stronger arguments out that are more aimed the the core of the belief system, but I didn't want to be too rude or overly-combative. I just wanted to make some points, and stand my ground, but in a more conversational way.
Plus if I did nothing but attack them, they would leave. And this is one of the few times I actually wanted the Jehovah's Witnesses to stay and talk with me.
Strange.
But I also know that their goal has nothing to do with having a good conversation. They just want to tell me I'm wrong and give me literature.
Well, you knocked on the wrong door my fine feathered friends.
*50 shot guns being pumped over and over*
APPEALING TO EMOTION
My turn. Start simple so you have somewhere to move up to later...
"That's one thing that I've always thought about actually." I said a bit nervously at first.
This was it. I was really going to try and battle them.
"You say that this so called thousand years of peace would have no racism, no famine, no fear, no wars, just joy and love right?"
They both smiled and nodded yes.
"Well, don't get me wrong, that sounds great, I mean, who wouldn't want to experience only joy and love?" (Actually I wouldn't, I could go into why another time, but I was trying to identify with them and make a point).
"But just like the idea of heaven, it almost seems too perfect sometimes, you know?"
(They didn't).
The lady started to open her mouth to steer the conversation back to where she wanted it. But I wasn't finished.
"Almost like it's the exact representation or our own emotions and desires. A place that's all good and everything you could desire? I don't know. It seems quite unfeasible to have a place like that, and it just, at least to me, panders too much to what we want emotionally. And that alone makes me skeptical."
She started to counter my thought. Let's see what she'll do.
"Well, this would not be heaven though. It would be a thousand year reign of Jesus as king here on Earth."
Oh, in that case, I take it all back. That is different.
Except that it does not change my thoughts about these ideas being based on our personal desires whatsoever.
Not a good counter ma'am. I have to admit I'm disappointed. What else do you have?
She then turned her book to a picture showing an overly multi-cultural group of variably-aged people in a nature setting and pointed to it saying, "See, this is what it will be like in the reign of Jesus' return. No pain, no..." (She went on down the list of things we emotionally don't like, and told me how, conveniently, those things, again, would not be present in this magical time).
This was your argument?!
I gave her a funny smirk and raised my eyebrow as I pointed at her silly picture.
"But that's just Photoshop!" I said smiling.
The young girl behind her chuckled a bit at my joke/argument. (Uh oh, her forces could be defecting!)
"Well yes," the older lady said, still looking away from my eyes, and trying to collect herself after a brief outbreak of 'slight smile'.
"But this is what it would be like".
I contained myself enough to not run immediately into "how do you know that this photoshop picture is representative of what will be?" Or laughing loudly at the notion of what she was trying to say.
(C'mon, it's damn funny. A Photoshop picture of people looking happy is supposed to convince me of something??! Really?).
If your goal is to come right up to my house, interrupt what I was doing, just to try and convince me of your religion, you'll have to do better than that.
Remember, YOU were the ones who knocked on MY door.
I'm actually ready for you! Do your worst! (I think she already did).
WHAT'S IN A DATE?
She went on a bit more, this time referencing scripture about how Jesus had predicted these things (in reference to the "bad things happening").
*Clang of swords*
Which I countered with the idea that anything "prophetic" can be retrofitted later on to match whatever you want it to match. Just like how Nostradamus' predictions were so vague that people can interpret (key word there) them to apply to almost anything (and they do).
*Blades hitting armor*
She looked a bit upset at my comparison (point for me!), but sort of kept her already nervous composure.
Okay lady. Your turn. I know you want to win this. Go!
"Well... yes... ... ... but when Jesus comes back..."
I saw a chink in the armor and I just had to interrupt.
"You're talking about the 'second coming' correct?"
"...Mmmm Hmmm..." She nodded, visibly frustrated at not being able to finish her usual pre-rehearsed talking points. Sorry lady, I can't let you get off that easy.
"Doesn't it say in the bible that Jesus himself told his followers that he would come back within their lifetime?"
The older lady kept her eyes on the floor, trying to think of something to say. "Well..."
Not fast enough. I couldn't hide the smile on my face as I continued the mental chess match.
"If I'm correct, nowhere in the bible does it say that Jesus is supposed to come back in 2000 years. He was supposed to come back in the time of his followers. That's what he said. Which I believe he did not do."
Check mate.
"Well... what He said... was... that He will return as He left us..."
I cut her off again, as what she was saying was not at all, in any way, shape or form a logical response to what I said. I'm guessing she did not have an answer for that one.
Point lost lady. This is YOUR religion, not mine.
"I'm sure he did," I 'agreed', in probably a more condescending way than I intended.
(I seem to do that more than I want).
BECOMING PERFECT
At this point I could tell that the women was quite irritated. Here she comes to the door expecting to simply overwhelm some unsuspecting joe with a whirlwind of quotes, figures, and fear mongering, and what does she get? Some cocky young kid who has the audacity to match her arrogant belief-peddling with arrogant questions and arguments.
She wasn't happy. But she did not give up. I could tell, she wanted to win this almost as much as I did.
The young lady behind her still seemed calm and observant, and not at all involved in the sweat of the epic battles that were taking place only a few feet away from her.
My rotund sparring partner flashed me a quick condescending smile and opened another one of her books.
I readied my shield.
"But the point was that he will return us all to be perfect, like the way he created Adam and Eve" she inferred, I mean... knew factually.
"Whoa, whoa whoa. Hold on there..." I said with a knowing smile.
(That makes me sound like a condescending dick too, which I definitely can be. But this time, I was just making up for all of the lost battles from before. I needed to play the same game they were playing).
"Adam and Eve were not perfect." I stated.
"Um... yes they were, because they were created by God as perfect." she said, treating me like a child who does not know any better.
Ouch! Good counter this time, lady. How to get around this... ah ha!
"Um no," I defended. "If they were truly perfect then there never would have been The Fall. Eve never would have been tempted, because being susceptible to temptation is not perfect. And she never would have done something God told her not to do, because dishonesty is not perfect. Same goes for Adam. Therefore Adam and Eve were not perfect."
Boo-yah!! I'm actually pretty proud of that argument, as that one was not memorized or rehearsed. That was entirely off the cuff.
I could tell I made a decent hit on her with that one. I imagined it like a philosophical video game, visualizing her life bar at the top moving down a few points.
The younger black girl still smiled at me and nodded, as if she was actually listening to what I was saying. Why was she not joining in? You'd think with two against one they could really crush me.
For a brief moment, in the metaphorical smoke of my deft blow, I wondered why.
The older white lady began countering my observation with a speech about free will.
She was visibly not enjoying this.
Funny. For once in my life, I was.
GOD IS LOVE
Her next talking point to me was the ever-happy, and emotionally-pandering idea that, "God is love." Boy, that sure sounds nice huh?
This, after a long speech about how we can choose to worship him, or choose to be punished for not doing so (you know, 'free will').
"Hmm... god is love, you say?"
They both nodded, but this time suspiciously. They knew I would not make this easy for them anymore. But hey, if you're going to go out and be a door to door missionary, you better be up on your game. And this was one of my only chances to make up for my awful and tragic defeats of the past.
I took in a deep breath, and charged up my special weapon.
"How can you say god is love, when this same god not only condones, but directly orders his people to brutally slaughter," (yes, emotionally laden words), "thousands upon thousands of other tribes who did not believe the same thing, or did something that the Israelites did not approve of? The same god that says you can take all of the young girls and children of the decimated tribe as personal slaves? The same god that talks about how to sell your own daughter into slavery, and has entire chapters devoted to the handling and 'care'," (as in how much to beat them), "of slaves? And the very same god that actually condones the "dashing of babies against rocks"?! Babies!"
She glared at me a bit, and by 'me' I mean the floor. The other girl seemed more concerned than anything. Was she aware of this? Perhaps I made her think. Or perhaps she thinks I'm lying.
I concluded.
"I'm sorry, but that, to me, is not love. I would not want to be friends with someone like that. That is the work of a monster!"
The large older white lady was looking upset. Or perhaps is was just my shirt that was making her frustrated. I could tell she had this 'knowing' that I was completely wrong. About everything. Really, how could I know anything about her religion? I was some arrogant, argumentative kid in her eyes. Impossible.
She smiled a very 'you're an idiot and I'm trying to tolerate you' type of smile. She opened up her pamphlet again.
I don't think she likes me.
"Actually, we have a whole chapter on 'Why does God let bad things happen' right here in this book."
Oh ho! So she's heard that before has she? No wonder she gave me that look. Perhaps she is gaining the upper hand again?
"Oh?" I feigned interest. "Can you summarize it for me?"
I used her own momentum against her, like in Karate.
I don't think she wanted to do that. Before she started speaking, she had a mircro-second look of 'I have not actually read that chapter'. I assume I was just supposed to read it on my own, and all my concerns with the character of the Christian God would magically vanish. (Sounds reasonable).
"Well Satan tempts us all, and God wants to test us and..."
Oh that's cheep. You can rationalize anything with that throw-away defense. I'm not buying it.
I interrupted.
"So it's basically just one of those 'god is testing you' sort of explanations, like Job?"
We exchanged a quick look, and I could see in her eyes that she understood my awareness of her argument, and perhaps that I could make some points about that too. So much for answering the 'Why does God allow bad things to happen' question.
"No... not all of it." She stammered as she opened up the bible and asked if she could read me another passage from it.
"Go for it!" I encouraged. (I was feeling exhilarated at this time. I had something to add or counter to almost everything she said so far. The 'me' from years ago who had been shamed and bested by the religion delivery man would be proud).
She then read me something about 'the righteous' something or other. I know it looks bad when I don't even give you some of her arguments, but honestly, just quoting something from the bible does nothing for me.
To me the bible is just a book, and carries no more weight to it than my Adobe Illustrator instruction manual (which I obviously base my whole life around).
*Her sword hit my shield and shattered into a million pieces all over the ground*
Sorry, dear. I have immunity to that special power.
A RECOMMENDATION
I could tell that by this time they were both overwhelmed with having to defend themselves so much, and be pestered with questions and arguments. Well mostly the round, no-eye-contact lady.
The tides were turned in my favor, and my opponent seemed to be at loss for new arguments. After years of taking an emotional and mental beating at the hands of her fellow rude and pushy church members, making me feel pathetic and terrible for not only being the person I was, but also for not being able to handle myself in the "conversations" (see: murders), I had finally pulled four aces from the deck and won a single round.
It felt great.
I could tell she was itching to get away from me (though not admit defeat I suspect), so I decided to offer something to them. Or at least a recommendation.
"Hold on, I want to show you something," I said as I picked up a book that just happened to be conveniently lying on the ground by the door.
If they get to push books on me, I'll do the same. Remember, you have to play the very game that they play.
"Now I know you probably won't read it or even take a look at it," I honestly admitted. "But this is a great book from an actual biblical scholar, Bart D. Ehrman, called 'Misquoting Jesus', and it's all about the changes and mistranslations that the scriptures have gone through over time. It's really interesting."
I did my best to describe the book in a way that didn't sound like "this book will destroy your faith! Interested?"
The older lady kept her gaze far away from mine as usual, and gave me another condescending smile and a dismissive, "yes, I'm sure it is." I was still wrong. And and idiot.
Well, at least I tried.
"Wait, what was that book?" the young girl suddenly spoke up. I smiled and held it up for her, while she took out a piece of paper from her purse and wrote down the title.
I didn't expect that. Nor did my boxing partner.
Now, I'm sure she'll never read it, and was probably just trying to humor me, but it was still an interesting little moment.
Maybe she was curious? Maybe all of the things I said today made her think a bit?
Nah.
Wishful thinking.
I could almost picture the two of them walking down the street afterwards, and the older lady telling the young girl to ignore the things I brought up during the battle... I mean discussion. And that she didn't actually have to read the book that the argumentative boy suggested. After all, it was probably a heathen book and went against what they believed.
Hence bad.
RAIN CHECK PERHAPS?
By this time, the lady had obviously had her fill of dealing with me questioning everything they said, and coming back with arguments that they did not enjoy dealing with. In fact, you could tell that she would have wished, in some ways, that I would never have been home at that time.
But again, they're the one's who are going door to door pestering people about religion. I simply took them up on it.
A lot.
And really, how funny is it that normally, people are trying to do everything they can to close the door and end the conversation with Jehovah's Witnesses, and now I reversed the tables on them. They were trying to get away from me! Priceless!
For once I felt powerful, and victorious in this situation. Vindication, in some small stupid way, was mine!
"Well, it was nice meeting you," the middle aged matriarch said.
Bullshit. She was lying. You could tell she really did not like dealing with me. Or my shirt/wall/floor. Or maybe she didn't like realizing that she did not have all of the knowledge she needed to prove to me that I was wrong in every way.
"Yes, I enjoyed the conversation," I said (which was true). And since I like being honest in situations that people don't expect, I added: "And I appreciate you putting up with all of my questions and arguments. I'm sure the last thing you wanted to deal with today is an arrogant kid who thinks he knows everything."
They both smiled, and pretended that it was no big deal.
I looked at my now defeated opponent.
"I could tell that you were a bit irritated with me." I said with an empathetic smile.
Which I actually said to her.
"No... no.. of course not," she said awkwardly to my shirt.
The young lady behind her smiled kindly at me and extended her hand.
"What was your name?"
"Niko. What's yours?"
"Niko? That's nice, I like that," She bubbled. I like her. "I'm Shannon."
"Well, lovely to meet you Shannon."
"Maybe we could come by sometime again and talk about some of your concerns one by one, because you had a lot of things to say, and it's hard to address them all in a short conversation."
I agreed. Of course, it was also a way of not having to defend themselves anymore, but it's true, I did jump to many different points very quickly. But hey, so did they! Fair is fair!
"We have some 'brothers' (brothers? that sounds a bit cultish and creepy... oh well) in our church who are about your age, maybe we can have them come by later this week and talk with you in more detail," She asked.
"I'd look forward to it," I confirmed.
How strange. Me looking forward to having some Jehovah's Witnesses over to proselytize at me. Just to have an interesting discussion. Who am I anymore?
As they walked down the stairs I smiled at the cute young girl.
"And you're more than welcome to come back as well."
She smiled back.
She probably won't.
And so ends the tale of the young boy, tormented by the merciless religion-peddling dinner-interrupters, that one day grew up to become the young man who avenged his former self, and so many others, on that one fateful, magical day.
*Roll credits with Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" music*
Related blogs:
Gardening with God
The Inefficacy Of Prayer
Existentialist Artist And Drunk Evangelist part 2
All Truth Is Relative... An Equally Not
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