Passion Or Practicality?

There is a girl at my restaurant who I've found a particular interest in analyzing, and I'm sure you can guess why.

I'm attracted to her. (Well, so far)

She's only a few years younger than I, quite pretty, a decently witty head on her shoulders, spunky, fun to be around, in a relationship...

... Wait, what was that last part?

Shit. She's in a relationship.

... And has a new born.

Ehhhhhh... This is not sounding as good anymore.

So much for that "opportunity" eh? Such is my luck.

Besides, I'm sure she's plenty happy in her current relationship.

... or is she?

What do you say we find out together? (We should hold hands)

CONTRAST CREATES EMOTION

I was admittedly a bit disappointed that one of the few girls I find some spark of interest in, is off the market. Not to mention the kid. (I should not have mentioned that).

So, I took particular interest the day her boyfriend came into the restaurant with their baby.

I watched from afar from behind my laptop, as I pretended to be working on one of my brilliant and insightful blogs for... some site that no one reads.

(No, I'm not a stalker. I'm just obsessive. Isn't there a difference? Please?)

Right away, I was a bit surprised at the boyfriend's jockiness. Not the type of guy I had thought she would be dating. In his defense, not having actually talked with him, he did not exactly look like a super-douche, just, well, as I said. A bit on the jocktacular side. He could be cool. Who knows. (I don't want to know).

As soon as she saw the pair enter the door, she lit up and smiled.

(Damn it. Look how happy she is. I hate other people's happiness)

She immediately kissed and coddled the child, then looked at her boyfriend with a very socially polite smile and simply said, "hey".

No hug, no kiss, just "hey".

I raised an eyebrow.

The boyfriend sat down at an empty booth and placed the baby carriage on top of the table, so that they could admire and lavish affection on the child.

As I kept watching, from my distant, secret lair of social-ineptitude, my eyes couldn't help noticing her odd body language.

The entire time, she stood at the opposite end of the booth, never sitting down with him, not even for a moment (the restaurant was dead by the way), throwing him only matter-of-fact facial expressions, and slight nods while talking.

"Maybe that's just how she is with people", I thought.

Then she turned to the baby with a bright, beaming smile full of love and exuberance.

"Hmmm..." I pondered.

After his meal, she once again hugged and kissed the baby with an affectionate radiance. On his way out, she addressed her boyfriend with a simple, "bye".

Not in a sarcastic way, nor in an "I'm angry at you" way, just, well, bland.

Lifeless.

I pretended to go back to my blog, but instead I opened up a new file and wrote down what I just saw. This suddenly got interesting.

LESS IS MORE

Noticing that interesting display, and feeling particularly saucy, I decided to probe her about her relationship.

So, when we were talking one afternoon at work, I purposely put her on the spot and asked her point blank and calmly, "So, would you say that you have a passionless relationship?"

She flashed through about twenty quick expressions before flustering through multiple half-finished, defensive responses.

"What? What do you... no... I mean, I don't know what you mean... why would you ask that? I don't understand..." she said, with lots of head shaking and facial expression changes.

I reiterated my question, as I had the feeling she knew exactly what I was asking, but was trying to avoid it.

There is something slyly enjoyable about making people uncomfortable with bold questions.

"Is there a lot of passion is your relationship?" I asked again, very calmly with a slight smile.

"Well, I mean.... we love each other...." she said with a confused, yet also suspicious look.

"Thats not what I asked" I said with a smirk.

"What do you mean? I don't... what are you asking?"

She knew exactly what I was asking.

"I don't understand why you're asking me this," she said, as she conveniently walked away to check on one of her tables.

I smiled to myself. So that answers that question.

This was getting to be quite fun. For me, at least.

THE GRAND CANYON

The last straw in my observing her relationship from afar like a creepy stalker, came when her boyfriend, child and boyfriend's family showed up for lunch.

She waited on the table, and everything seemed just fine.

After lunch, the folks and baby took off (I assume the baby drove separately), leaving the boyfriend to hang out at the restaurant.

I just happened to be standing nearby when I caught a quick exchange between the two, something about the boyfriend apologizing for something. I know not what happened, or whether it was a big deal, like calling her "snatch" during the meal (why don't women like that?), or perhaps his parents just forgot to tip.

I never did find out.

Whatever it was, she seemed relatively okay about it, which is good (for them, not as much for me), then he went off to the bar for a beer, and to watch a game, as she continued cleaning up her tables.

And this is where my "hmmm..." becomes, "HMMMM....".

She grabbed some food and sat down in a booth.

No, not with her boyfriend, but with some fellow female servers.

"Maybe he's already gone, that would makes sense," I rationalized.

I did a quick scan of the restaurant, and saw her boyfriend sitting by himself in the lounge up front, watching tv.

HMMMM....

Now everyone has a different way they like to interact, and when you live together, I'm sure the "fun" of seeing the other person is a bit diminished (or augmented or suspended. Strike that, it's a C#dim7). But when she's off the clock, and the person she claims to be in a romantic relationship with is there to see her (why else would he be at that restaurant eh?), why would she stay far away from him?

Later on, she did eventually join him at the bar, but by this time he had struck up a converstaion with a gentlemen about whatever awesome game was on tv (sarcasm), and she sat next to him, not saying a word, silently starring off into space, with the occasional glance toward her boyfriend's converstaion.

Good times. Monday, Tuesday happy days.

READING BETWEEN THE SPACES

It's a series of bread crumbs like these that add up to a loaf. (Not the pinchable kind).

So why is she with him?

From what I've seen, I think I can safely say that they don't have a lot of passion. Since the baby is involved, I'm thinking the boyfriend represents safety, dependability, familiarity and comfort, which is fine if that is what you want.

And maybe that's what she wants.

Yet part of me keeps thinking, "Maybe she just doesn't know what is out there," and by "out there" I am referring to me.

But why would she want to be with someone like me? Do I represent any of those traits? Not really, or at least not in the same ways. I'm guessing she sees me as too weird, strange, silly, self-important, professorial, elitist or something to that effect to be considered relationship material.

Even if she did find some sort of oddly-placed interest in someone as opinionated and self-critical as myself, would I want the responsibility of caring for a child? I'm sure I could do it, but would I want it?

And why am I even making this an issue? Chance for opportunity: zero.

PASSION OR PRACTICALITY?

What this all comes down to is a simple question. What matters to you? What is important in a relationship? True, you don't always have to have only one or the other, but most people will offer MORE of one than the other.

So what do you want?

It's easier to stay in a slightly boring, but easy-going relationship, then it is to look for a new one, or sadly, to sustain the high-energy, super-passionate ones (why do those have to fizzle out so quickly?).

And maybe placing passion as a "must have" on my list will keep me forever searching, and never finding. I guess I'll just have to deal with that.

Now I just need to decide if I want to show her this blog or not. It could bring up some interesting reactions (which is completely worth it), or possibly make things incredibly awkward at work from here on out (not as much).

What do you think?

Ah, fuck it, I'll go for the risk. That's the only choice with any passion.



Related blogs:
Soul Mates
A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!
You Should Meet My Friend Niko
(Mis)Perceptions Of Love
The Lust Complex

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Visit the all new DeprecationWear online store! Sarcastic, self-deprecating and elitist merchandise. Click HERE to see my wares!



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Tags: love relationships philosophy.psychology stalker happy passion passionate practical comfort stability

New DeprecationWear T-Shirt: Indifference

Deary me, where is my head? With all the shenanigans and goings-on I forgot to let you know about my brand new DeprecationWear T-Shirt:

Indifference by deprecation

Indifference by deprecation

As you can see from the images above, you need this shirt. Your complete lack of emotion for anyone and anything can now be known from across the room, requiring even less effort from you to convey your apathy!

Enjoy! (well, you're indifferent, so, feel what would be closest to 'enjoyment' for you)

Related blogs:
New DeprecationWear T-Shirt: Prayer


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Gardening With God

There is a needlework plaque hanging on a guest bedroom wall at my dad's house. This plaque, put up by my dad's wife, is a simple nicety about one of her favorite hobbies.

However, upon seeing it, I was instantly put through a range of emotions and philosophical tangents.

The plaque reads: "One is closest to God in the garden."

I'm sure many people would read this warm, Hallmark-wall-medallion and give it a simple little smile, then move on. My fate would not be so easy.

WHERE ARE THOSE OLD BOTANY BOOKS?

It was late, and I should have been heading into a nice cushy sleep on my vacation, but because I over-think everything (literally everything, it sucks sometimes), instead I had to frantically jot down all of my thoughts and digressions, all due to a glance at a simple hobby-promoting wall-hanging.

What I began thinking was, 'what is the real intention of this plaque?' and 'what implied interpretations of its message are likely?' (Yes those are actual things that keep me up at night. Maybe I should get into a relationship or something).

Is it saying that working with plants gives one a feeling of spirituality?

Or is it trying to tell me that the one true path to being with God (the true God nonetheless), is through horticultural cultivation?

Is it? Shit! Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?!

But if gardening is indeed the way to be closest to God, what about church? It seems pretty pointless with the news of this revolutionary theological enlightenment on a wall plaque, yes?

And then I thought about who created the wall hanging. Isn't that plaque likely sewn by someone who already is a garden enthusiast? I would say, probably yes. I can't imagine a model-train enthusiast reluctantly sewing this plaque with a remorseful tear in his eye, contemplating all the time he wasted on his, enjoyable, yet non-godly hobby.

Which got me thinking that if this person already had a passion for working with plants, and also a belief in a supernatural creator being, it would be fairly obvious that they would feel, subjectively, that they were closer to that intangible feeling of oneness with the universe when they were focused on something they were extremely passionate about.

Does that mean that I can't be as close to this God because I like to compose music? I saw no plaque for that. To take things at face value (it's funnier), we can see that one person's creative passion is more favored by this supreme creator than another's. And according to the glaring absence on the wall, my personal passions are not among them.

Now I'll never achieve enlightenment!!

Any yet, were I a religious man, I would probably argue that no else could understand how it feels, in that wonderfully dream-like moment when I compose a new musical idea or song. The feelings are, in my experience, eqivalent to nothing. (No, not "nothingness". I mean I can not find anything to compare them to, like Sinead O'Connor). The process is really amazing, and cathartic. Honestly, like nothing else I've been a part of.

Therefore, I'll argue that God can only be achieved through musical composition. And I'm right.

Case closed.

Case reopened...

So if my dad's wife feels a strong spiritual connection while gardening, and I could feel the equivalent of that, through making music, and my dad could get that via writing a novel, what's the connection? As I sat in the bed, my hand cramping up from writing all of my mental vomit onto the page, I moved this concept from specific, to global, which led me to the unifying theme of the the wall plaque:

The personification of God.

That is some insight into how my mind works, when a silly grandma's-house needlework wall-hanging brings me into the concept of how people psychologically project themselves into anthropomorphizing God.

Dude, you wanna party with me sometime? (I sure can live it up... mentally.)

FRACTIONS OF FACTIONS

Throughout history, gods of all kinds (including "The God". You know, the ONE?) have justified, sanctioned and even ordered some of the most cruel, shameful, and over all anti-human events on record. Usually leading the charge were angry, obsessive, or power-hungry men who were magically spared the skeptical questioning or absolute horror and shock of society, because their cause was backed by God with a hearty thumbs up. Hence good. (Yea genocide!!)

In modern times, one quick look at all of the different denominations branching from, or connected to Christianity is absolutely mind-boggling. Some factions demand that you adhere to archaic rituals and live in a manner exacting of ancient peoples, and others are extremely wishy-washy and liberal, saying that "as long as you at least believe in God, you can pretty much do what you want," (Within reason of course... wait, did I just say reason?).

From an outsider's perspective, I often wonder why there are so many slightly different takes on what should be a fairly to-the-point philosophy. You are all basing this off of the same book right? (Well, except for the Mormons). So why all the disagreement?

People all over the world have radically different ideas of what and who God is (or if God is single or has extreme mutilple personality disorder). Does it not strike you odd that each god or gods that come from a particular part of the world, or group of people, seem to represent that group's cultural ideas and views on the world? It's almost as if it was the people that created the gods, not the other way around. (Of course there is no way that could be true, so calm down and enjoy that slice of pie).

Although, if there really was a god, (just one we'll say), you'd think that his message would have been a bit more clear, and above all, universal. Not transalted through the social, man-made ideologies and situations of that time and culture.

Ha ha, no. Just kidding. That is foolish. Of course the only way to know what God REALLY means is through loose interpretations and personal biases.

EVERYTHING IN MODERATION

I've had some experience dealing with what I call moderate or abstract Christians. These individuals vaguely believe in the "Christian God", Jesus, a soul, afterlife etc, but usually only the touchy-feely portions. (You know, the "nice" parts?). Many times these mushy-pseudo-religious people do not actually follow the Bible (they may have only read it when they were young), and don't really go to church (or perhaps only on the rare holiday). And yet, they seem to have a decent amount of "insight" regarding spirituality.

Personally, I've heard them make multiple pronouncements about Who and What God is without any real basis.

"I think that God would have no problem with this or that," or,

"if God is love, which I think he is, then he will love me no matter what I do."

Even when I bring up specific, negative examples of The God Of The Bible's opinions and actions, or scriptually-based contradictions they will usually be unfazed, responding with, "Well, I don't believe in all that stuff" Hmmm.....

If you don't "believe in all that stuff", where are you getting your ideas on spirituality from? You appear to believe in things that sound very Christian, yet you do not subscribe to, or even know about the things that Christianity is based on.

How nice for you.

And there is that dead giveaway in your language, buddy-boy, about the origins of your personal understanding.

"Think".

Everything they say is usually done through the ownership-phrase "I think". Not "I know", or "I've read". "I think", implying personal interpretation. Which is what we humans do best.

Again, how did you come to this information? Need some change? Here are two cents: you wanted to feel good about whatever it is you do and say, so, obviously, God should feel the same way. Why? Cause that makes you feel good. The two of you are luckily on the same page. How convenient.

LET'S GRAB A BITE TO EAT

Let's say you and I were meeting up at a restaurant for a bite to eat (pretty cut and dried so far). You arrive early, grab a table and start looking over the menu. When the server comes by, do you think it would be a tad presumptuous to order for me, without knowing what I wanted? Sure you might know me a bit, and think, "Niko likes gyros, so I'll order him that", or "Niko likes some of the things I like, and I'm going to get baklava, so Niko will want baklava too," but what if I wanted a Greek salad today? You don't know, because I never actually told you.

Seriously. Don't order yet.

So let's pretend there is a God (and he wants a salad. I just know). To presume you know the mind of a being that has shown you no direct evidence of particular opinions or desires, is to me, arrogant.

We all have an innate desire to feel a connection with the vast, distant universe. To feel like we know the will of something greater than us, yet something that still involves us. However, our minds can only ever know our own minds. So it's those people that claim to be a mouthpiece and "speak for God" that makes me most worried. (By the way, if God is all powerful and has something to say, he could just say it himself).

So when people make pronouncements about the mind and will of God, what are they really saying? I've found that it is the people with the strongest personal agenda to advance that most often claim to have God directly on their side.

BIASED OBJECTIVITY

As you all know by now, I dislike a lot of things. And not liking a lot of things, as I do (or don't), I very feel strongly about the plethora of things I don't like, and in most cases, have a long list of itemised and officially-notarized reasons contributing to my opinions on something. Because my views are so "documented", so to speak, it feels as if these views should be completely objective, as if everyone should have these same opinions, after all, they are so obvious, aren't they? (Yes).

If my views feel universal (and they do), then there must be something to them (there must), and it can feel as if the conscious universe itself shares in my hard-edged elitist ideas (it does). If it feels that way, it must be that way (I already said that), and POOF!... it is that way.

WOW! IT IS!!! I WAS TOTALLY CORRECT!!!

It's funny (ha ha ha ha! See?) how God seems to confirm the things that we already want to be confirmed, and disavow the things we want to have disavowed. Again, quite convenient. And with so many different beliefs and views in the world, this higher force must have a few billion different, equally strong, equally conflicting opinions. Seems plausible.

For instance:

Do you hate gays, liberals, democrats, or fictional children's books with a flaming (pun) passion? I bet your God hates them too.

Do you feel that the highest virtue in life is to love all people, all the time, everywhere? I bet your God loves everything too.

Think that you're a good person? I have a feeling your God has created a personalized super-awesome-happy-place for you... after you're dead.

Think that Terry is a awful person? Yep, your God feels that way too, and probably created an all-bad-all-the-time place just for Terry... after he's dead.

Like anchovies? Because your God loves 'em!

Hate anchovies? God finds them an abomination!

Do you enjoy gardening?

Well, in that case, I have a house warming gift for you.



Related blogs:
The Inefficacy Of Prayer
All Truth Is Relative... And Equally Not
The Feel Good Fix
Self-Perception: What A Beautiful Thing!

Enjoy reading this blog? Please socially bookmark this page, or post it on your Facebook, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

Visit the all new DeprecationWear online store! Sarcastic, self-deprecating and elitist merchandise. Click HERE to see my wares!



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Tags: god religion spirituality personal personify projection sarcasm philosophy psychology christian believe belief

Soul Mates

In my youth, I used to lay in bed and imagine epic movie-like scenarios in which I would suddenly encounter The One. The stunning, beautiful, intellectual, creative and perfect vision of a women who would make everything in my life meaningful and amazing.

For years I kept hanging on to that fleeting, seductive notion, only to find myself in an ocean of disappointment and heartache.

But the idea lives on in many of us to this day.

What causes us to become so fixated on one person? To feel for someone so intensely that even the most beautiful person imaginable could walk by, and you would not notice.

What better way to illustrate the way people feel regarding this topic than to share my own personal story, by getting uncomfortably naked, vulnerable and open about one particular girl from my history.

Are you ready?

Let the awkwardness begin.

A CHANCE ENCOUNTER

I first met January while registering for 9th grade. She was absolutely beautiful and seemed to radiate an intangible aura of mind perfume, to which my olfactories were perfectly tuned for. I did not know it yet, but from meeting her that first day, I was already in love. (I know. "Love" at age 14. How profound).

During a few classes together, I finally got up the courage to begin chatting with her, found out we had some things in common, and soon I had her number and was talking with her almost every night. (A bit much you might say. Correct. At this point I had not learned the adage, "absence makes the heart grow fonder.").

My own interpersonal experience was barely even nil (if that), and my immaturity only matched (at least I was coordinated). Through a series of stupid (or maybe just pathetic and inexperienced) words and actions (which I'll probably make a separate blog about, so as to dwell on my embarrassing moments forever), I made inadvertently sure that there would be no chance for romance between us.

Why?

In essence, I was young, naive, and had no concept of the word "subtle". I'll just leave it there for now.

Time passed, and she began dating a guy who she would eventually spend almost a decade with. They seemed happy, and were joined at the hip. (Strangely, the very spot I wanted to place reservations for). Needless to say, I was pretty disgruntled, confused, hurt and depressed.

There she goes, the most beautiful, amazing, intriguing girl I'd ever known, and... there goes the guy she's dating. I had a secret almost-hatred for him. I say "almost" because I really did not hate him. I hated myself for being a fucking pathetic unlovable, socially-awful relationship-miscreant.

My last ditch effort was to write a song for her (typical huh?). However, I never got to know what she thought of it, because just as she was about to tell me in class, I chose to be an idiot (yet again) and ignore her out of jealousy and spite (yeah, that will make her like you! Good one Niko. You're a genius).

What a dumbass. I want to fucking punch myself in the nuts.

A NEW OPPORTUNITY?

After high school, I had a run-in with her at a company party for a local recoding studio. She was apparently single (one of the numerous times she broke up with, then later got back together with her high school boyfriend). For some reason, she displayed strange verbal, and even body language signs that she was possibly a little bit interested in me.

What? Why? I don't understand.

I was intrigued and confused by her behavior, and I did manage to grab her cell phone number just in case.

As it turns out, she was going to college in Boulder at the time, and coincidentally, so was my high school chum-dude-pal-bro Brian. Well, what a perfect opportunity to go down to Boulder and see her right? I'll grab Brian, and that way it will feel super casual. Man I'm smart!

I picked up Brian and found the house she was staying at. Unfortunately the conversations this time were hard fought and awkward.

During the conversation I found out that she was indeed dating someone else, which crushed my little pointless heart, and put it in an air-tight tin can with its own juice/blood.

I left disappointed.

Nothing more became of it.

Until...

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

A few years later I got an email for my band promoting some local online radio station that wanted me (the band) to send or upload music to their site.

I read the email with only vague interest, as there was probably a fee involved, but then happened to glance at what name was listed as the reply contact.

Yes.

It was her.

There could be no question, as she has a very memorable, and somewhat unique full name, which I doubt I'll see anywhere else. (unless I write it on my computer screen, in which case I'll see it quite frequently).

I replied to the business email asking if it was indeed her, and what do you know.

What a strange coincidence don't you think? What are the odds that a random online radio company would send my band an email, and it would re-connect me to my high school love. (Me being in love with her, remember. Not us being sweethearts).

There must me something to that, right? Or so we'd all like to feel.

THE ALMOST DATE

Once I had begun emailing her, we decided to get together (probably more like me asking her). She seemed interested again, somehow, so I looked forward to my first opportunity to have a legitimate date with her (an opportunity I did not fuck up ahead of time by being an immature socially-inept romantic moron).

Overall the date was fun. We went out on the town seeing some live music and checking a few of her favorite bars. Just being with her felt wonderful. Most of the time I'd imagine what it would be like to look at her and know she was mine.

*sigh*

I'm a loser.

So...

At the end of the night, I was going to drop her off at her apartment, and maybe talk some more there, but before I can suggest that, she asks me to drop her off at her old high school boyfriend's apartment.

Huh?

I looked at her strangely, not understanding the situation.

But being the good little boy, I do, though thoroughly confused, as I thought we were on a date, and she was single. (recap. No, and no).

I can remember dropping her off, with a sad look of "you lied to me" all over my face. She looked at me with a hint of compassion and realization, and quietly said, "I'm sorry."

Boy am I a delusional dumbass. So much for that positive evening, Niko.

For better or worse, after our hanging out, she got a job offer and moved to New York. She called me a bit during the move, then we both got busy and conact again fell away.

But...

COMING THIS CLOSE

Years later, after breaking up with my last girlfriend, I received a comment on Myspace from her saying happy birthday, (yes it actually was. Birthday I mean, not happy) and a few more pleasantries. Nothing over the top, but still it was nice to hear from her.

We began sending long involved emails to each other both detailing our recent breakups and the lessons we were learning about ourselves and people. Strangely similar. Uh oh, you know what that means...

Soul mate.

Soon we were talking on the phone, at first once a week, then slowly more frequently. We would have wonderful three hour conversations about relationships in general, our ex's, and our personal views and growth from it all.

I did my best not to repeat the behavior of the immature child from high school and tried to act more casual and nonchalant. And it seemed to be working.

Maybe too well.

As happens all too often for me, I found myself drifting into advice counselor mode, on all manners of subjects for her. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching and sharing my knowledge with others if I feel like I'm benefiting them, but the danger of this is that this kind of social interaction immediately puts me into the dreaded "good friend" category.

Fuck. I always do that to myself.

Finally realizing that I was already far into the "advice buddy" realm, I tried to help the situation by sending her a nostalgic memento she could keep on her desk at work, reminding her of me. It was actually pretty clever, if you ask me, referencing something between only us from high school, and tying it into the present. I was happy with it. And according the voicemail she left me after receiving it, so was she.

Very much so it seemed.

It seemed indeed.

She began calling me more spontaneously, which of course, made me feel quite nice in my tummy, and our conversations were still very enjoyable. But also very friendly. And only friendly. No flirty comments, or little hints of attraction anywhere.

Then I found out that she had just recently met someone (like really recently) and she was curious to see where it would go.

Heart.

Shattered.

For.

Billionth.

Time.

I did not want to hear that, but I tried to stay calm and cool. Yet I could not keep it up. Talking to her was now too painful for me. I had to make a decision.

So I wrote her an email laying it all out.

I explained that I'd felt something very strong for her since I met her, and have no desire to be just the good friend who only counsels her on her new relationships. It was unfair to me and how I felt. I explained to her that I could not keep up the contact anymore, due to my emotions.

If she ever felt like giving something a try between the two of us, by all means. But until then, I felt it was best for me not to not talk to her anymore.

So I ended it.

It took everything I had.

MORE THEN COINCIDENCE

I had someone tell me, upon hearing this whole back story, that they thought there was something to our "connection". He told me that he "felt" that there was "something there" and, because our encounters become closer and closer to materializing in something concrete, he figured that in a few years our paths would cross again. But this time for real.

Boy that sure sounds nice doesn't it? And why would you not want to believe something that makes you feel like there is something wiser than you at work underneath it all? Something that could magically connect you with your ideal person in life. That you are destined for love.

I want to believe it with all my heart (the parts of my heart that are not jaded, bitter, broken and canned by Del Monte). But I can't. And I won't.

It's just not true folks. Believing something because it sounds great does not make something real. And above all, it makes no sense if you try to base it in logical reality. And that, as you may have gathered, is the way I want to live my life. As close to what reality actually is as possible. I'll save imagination and fantasy for my art, where it belongs.

THE REALITY OF SOUL MATES

So is January my soul mate?

Nope.

To this day I feel something very strong for her, this much is true. But I have no idea why, still, after years have passed, if I see her photo in an old yearbook or online, the feelings return. It makes no sense. And it pisses me off. I don't want to be in love with her anymore. It's a useless feeling that will never come to fruition.

As much as I wanted to believe it in my younger years, the concept of a soul mate holds little water.

We base all of this on our intangible and random emotions, equating what we feel to be representative of what is real.

Take small towns for example. People can spend their whole lives in one small town, fall in love, marry and have a family, only with the selection of people in that small town. What are odds? If there is only one true person for you, than shouldn't they be dispersed randomly over the whole world? Most people would never find theirs, as he (or she) would be living in Australia, and she (or he) would be in Japan, India, or Iceland.

Think of how many times you've formed a strong bond, romance or connection with someone in your life. Is each of those people a soul mate? Just one? How could you tell?

By and large, the seductive yet nearsighted concept of a soul mate implies far too much new age spirituality for my tastes (any is too much for me). It implies fate, destiny, divine intervention and probably even an afterlife where you may have even known each other (a beforelife?). Again, makes no logical sense.

As much as we would want to believe that there is that one true amazing love out there for each of us, in reality there are likely thousands of people we could be compatible with all over the world, just based on percentages. And to me, those odds are far better for personality compatibility, than the almost futile, yet romantic prospect of searching six billion people for The One.



Related blogs:
A Spoonful Of Relationships Will Cure What Ails Ya!
Run-in With The Beautiful People
The Lust Complex

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Tags: love relationships soul soul mates fate destiny meant to be philosophy psychology

Artistic Integrity And The Dichotomy Of Success

I've been dealing with the concept of art and music a lot lately and I'm feeling compelled to share some of my thoughts, as they actually pertain to my current situation.

Let me know what you think (in cursive only).

A CAREER IN MUSIC

I recently met up with an old elementary school friend of mine for drinks and coffee. We had, what I considered to be, great conversations and I thoroughly enjoyed the get together.

As we are both musicians, it's only logical that music would be a topic. And it was. (See, told ya).

My opinions on music, and music as a career have evolved quite a bit since I was the rapscalion of yesteryear, so it's always interesting for me to see where others are in their personal perspectives.

Well, my elementary school friend wants to make an album that will really sell and appeal to a lot of people.

Understandable from a particular point of view, sure.

He said that he does not want to write a bunch of crap, he still wants the music to be good, and represent him and his voice, but he wants people to like it right away.

If you're curious, this would be his very first album.

Unlike me, he believes that he can be successful in music, still, in this economy, and with the business crumbling all around us. Obviously he is much more of an optimistic than I.

So that is, or seems to be, his current philosophy. And more power to him.

But it has not been mine, at least so far.

PHILOSOPHIES ON ARTISTIC EXPRESSION

I said already that I do not agree with him on this point. So what do I think?

(You can stop holding your breath now, here comes your full release of opinion).

My perspective is this: If I'm going to make the choice to put effort into a project, it might as well be the thing that I personally would want to hear, and not compromise what I feel is the core of the art.

There are already an abundance of sub-par to shitty albums out in the world put out by bands who don't give two shits about creating actual art. Why would I possibly want to contribute to the ever growing waste pile by putting out pandering to mediocrity?

Art, and purity of art has been important to me for quite a while. Some say it's bullshit, which is no skin off my back (fuck! My back skin just came off!!!). That's just what I care about.

To me putting out something into the world that has the potential to be emotionally impactful, intellectually stimulating, does not condescend to people, has purpose or a cause or message, and speaks something personal is much more worth creating (and worth listening to), than something that is designed purely to make money.

Is there really a difference between the two?

I definitely think so.

I've heard people say that if your art does not piss some people off, you're doing something wrong.

Or that art that everyone likes must be garbage.

That's a fairly extreme view, and very similar to the artist character from my house party blog. But is there some truth to that?

Again, I think so. If the goal is communication of a feeling, thought, or concept to an audience, the impactful, most creative, most cutting edge ideas will never appeal to everyone on a large scale. And that's okay.

THE DICHOTOMOUS CAREER IN ART

A career in music is quite different than a career in art I would argue. And just so we're clear, I'm using the word art in a broad sense meaning an all-encompassing creative project, not literally, as in a painting of Elvis.

Here is the flaw, and where money and art collide.

Generally, when people speak about art in the big picture sense, they are considering qualifications like the purity of the art, freedom from compromise, and the ability to create whatever is in their imagination, not beholden to traditional restrictions of contemporary styles, tastes, or conventions. Literally the freedom to create what you want because you believe in it.

Take that philosophy to heart when considering a career in music.

Let's say you have a successful debut album, and many people enjoy what you've done. Great. (Unless it was shitty, then not so good). Now it's time to make album numero dos.

Let's pretend that you care about artistic expression, and want to diversify and do something more experimental on your next record, because that's where your heart is. (Some say it's at home. But that's where you hang your hat).

If you release that new, different record to the fans, the ones that wanted more of what you've done before, you run a very high risk of alienating your fan base, and not making any money from the album. Sure it could be a hit, but the odds are against you.

Since your career path is music, and only music, that is where you need to make your money, so being overly artistic and pioneering is actually a bad choice from a business perspective, yes?

In order to make money, you need to run your music like any other product and try to directly appeal to the consumer by making what you know they already want, not showing them something they did not know existed.

Therefore to have your financial well-being directly and solely tied to your art, you have to, by definition, compromise your art so that it will sell to as many people as possible to sustain the career, thereby negating the entire philosophy of art being pure personal expression.

Sadly art as a career rarely happens. And when it does, it's luck my friends. Pure Luck. (But thankfully, not that shitty movie with Martin Short).

SELLING OUT

When I embarked on this long complicated journey five years ago that would culminate in my soon to be released (as of 8/09) 3rd album, I was working with a friend of mine, and great musician to bounce early ideas off of, or to help in developing some guitar riffs and melodies to complement my initial piano progressions.

In the beginning, I explained to him my loose road map of what I wanted to do with this album. I wanted to challenge myself from nearly every aspect this time: longer songs, more changes per song, more complex instrumentation, more unexpected chord changes and melodies, and something that really told a cohesive story musically from beginning to end.

Those are big shoes to fill for sure (I'm size 11), and whether or not I accomplished that goal for the album is not up to me.

The point being that from the outset, my musician friend was all gung-ho about the direction and style. It left him ample room to throw out suggestions that may have seemed to avant-garde in the past, but were completely valid in this new territory. At least that is how I felt when composing.

Half a year later things had changed. Not for me, mind you. (Are you minded yet?)

I could tell he seemed less and less interested in working on the style and direction of the album I was developing, and soon he began suggesting an entirely different idea.

I'll have to paraphrase as I don't recall exactly what was said. But it went something like this:

"Hey man, I've been listening to a lot of more simple music these days like [band name] and [other band name] and that's really the kind of thing that I feel like I want to be doing right now."

I conceded that I also liked one or both of the bands he mentioned, and had no problem with more simplistic music in general (assuming it's still melodic and subjectively good), but that this current album of mine was designed to be a particular style and feel. Simplicity would have to wait for another project, as this one was supposed to be the antithesis of that.

He appeared to accept my defense of the current project, but immediately tried to convince me to do something he knew I had argued against in the past.

"Yeah, I'm just not into the really progressive stuff right now though. I was thinking about this a lot lately and if you wanted to do another band that was just really simple, really super catchy music, I'd be all for working on that."

I raised an eyebrow, as this was coming from the same person who was so enthralled and excited with pushing and expanding our musical preconceptions just a few months ago. But I kept listening to his idea.

"I just feel that you could write some really good poppy stuff if you wanted to, and we could totally make money off of that. People like the really commercial-sounding music. Just look at what's going on. All that complex, musically progressive stuff just won't sell, save for music students. You have to please the people. You can't just write whatever artsy thing you want for yourself."

I can't write what I want for myself? What happened to you my friend? What happened to the guy that made emotional, artistic music an important pillar in his life? The one who wrote songs for himself, because he was moved to do so? The guy who cared about the beauty and integrity of music, regardless of the style or genre it was written in?

Looking back I know that some of his shift in priorities stemmed from his frustration of getting close to thirty and feeling like has not done anything with himself. (I'm in a similar boat right now, in some ways). He was feeling that if we simply gave into the current musical trends, and fucked our previous notions of music as genuine art, that we could instantly have a successful career path in the business.

Is it possible?

Perhaps.

But it is not in any way, shape, or form what I want.

A MATTER OF PRIORITIES

As you may already see, it all depends on what your goals are with that particular project.

Is your goal to create the thing that most reflects your personal perspectives, no holds barred?

Or is it to be tranditionally successful?

I can tell you that while being successful doing what my old guitarist advocated might initially be exciting and/or monetarily fulfilling, I would soon come to regret my choice of direction, and would become bitter (sorry, more bitter) and dissatisfied with it.

It all comes down to what your priorities are. Is traditional success (money and fame) your top priority? Great. Go get it. Write a bunch of songs with the aim of pandering to a mass audience and enjoy it. Honestly, best of luck to you.

However those are not my priorities, and have never been.

In my mind, most paramount of all, is the creation of music that is personal, emotionally expressive, and imaginative. If it does not fulfill those basic criteria for me, then I see no reason to do it (unless it is a specific project like a comedy skit, or a song about making fun of goth kids).

I will say the downside of focusing on art over accessiblity, is that you run the high risk of only appealing to a small group of people, or even no groups of people.

But if that does not conflict with your priorities, so be it. I'd rather look back and be proud of what I offered unto the world, than be embarrassed for something I did on purpose.

CONDESCENDING MUSIC AND CHALLENGING ART

One of the comments I received from my elementary school friend about the music on my new album, is that it is rather challenging. Basically, it's not one of those albums that you like instantly on a first pass listen, due to the fact that thre are so many parts per song, and way too much to absorb right away.

I acknowledged his observation, saying that most people who have given it a few listens have ended up really connecting with it on a personal and emotional level. But it took some time.

So is that bad? Is that good? Let's get some more opinions stat!

I have always enjoyed music that did not assume I was an idiot. I have developed a hatred of music that talks down to me, using overly-simplistic, tried and true, run of the mill melodies and chord patterns that have been used for half a century, and lyrics that were written by a thirteen year old who is new to concept of poetry.

That is what I call condescending music. It assumes your audience has the IQ of recent road kill, and the depth of a rotting beet field. Sure, many people embody those traits, but not everyone does.

I don't like being treated like a child wearing a helmet, so I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt (when it comes to appreciating new music and art that is).

I believe that it's okay to challenge people. It's okay to ask something of your listeners. It's okay to make people actually think about something for a while.

What you put into it, is what you get out of it.

Some of my favorite albums of all time, I did not really care for upon a first listen. "Hmm, I don't know," I remember thinking. "I liked a few parts here and there, but I'm not really loving this album. Maybe I'll try it again later."

And luckily, I did try it again later. And eventually, with each successive listen, I discovered more and more that I had not heard before, and also more and more that I really liked. Now I love them, and put them on a list of best albums of all time.

It was because I put effort into understanding and absorbing those initially challenging albums that I ended up feeling more connected to them in the long run. I was rewarded for my effort with a deeper intellectual and emotional connection to a piece of art.

THE FINAL THOUGHT

So that's how I feel. I care about music as a form of artistic expression, even when many do not, and would rather put out something that I truly believe in, that may never sell, than make money off of something that is only contributing to the continual dumbing down of popular culture.

Too extreme? Do these opinions hold any weight?

Weigh in.


Related blogs:
Existentialist Artist And Drunk Evangelist part 1
The Death Of The Album And The Death Of Music

Enjoy reading this blog? Please socially bookmark this page, or post it on your Facebook, and most of all comment with your personal stories, observations, or violent objections.

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Tags: art artistic integrity music philosophy selling out perspective priorities beauty pure

The National Anthem. Music, Politics And Pride.

This little ditty takes place just a few days ago at the restaurant in which I get yelled at.

We had changed many of the televisions to the football (futbol) game between USA and Mexico, which all of the kitchen staff was very excited about.

Again, I'm not a sports fan, but since it's something a bit different from what is normally on, I tried to watch a bit of it. Before the game started, they played both national anthems. (When is someone going to write The International Anthem? I'll let composer extraordinaire George Thorogood tackle that nuanced, multi-cultural melodic theme).

As the American National Anthem played, I mentioned to one of the kitchen staff that I thought our anthem sucked, from a musical perspective (because it does). He nodded, and did not seem to care one way or the other. Being from Mexico City, the American Anthem probably mattered not to him.

It just so happens that one of my managers was standing nearby and had overheard my comment.

When I asked that manager a bit later if I could take a break, he replied with:

"No, because you hate the national anthem."

He said this with a smile, intending to convey his comment as simply sarcastic, but he said it with such conviction, that one could tell there was a good amount of truth mixed in there as well.

I tried to clarify my comment by explaining that it was the musical content I objected to.

"It's just not a very good song." I said, as if that would make everything alright.

"What are you, a fucking terrorist?" According to him, I was now equivalent to a terrorist. And I'm sure you can easily see why.

You know terrorists, the kinds that commit violent acts of destruction and violence for religious or political reasons?

That's me.

Obviously.

I smiled at his silly comment, but again, as before, I could tell there was some truth in his comment. Part of him actually felt that I was on par with al-Qa'ida for my opinion on a song.

Again, with no luck, I tried to say that what I was really objecting to was the melodic content. I tried to tell him that I thought the song was uninteresting in its chord structure, rather predictable and bland.

My clarification appeared to work, as I was now upgraded from terrorist to Commy.

"Dude, you can't not like the national anthem," he stated.

When I asked him why, he said that the reason I cannot not like it is because it is about pride.

"Really?" I thought to myself. "I thought I was able to like or not like anything I so choose, and If I actually could not dislike the anthem then I would be living under a tyranny."

Of course, I did not say that. Actually, I only thought of it right now, so I was lying to you.

As he took a quick phone call, he said he was determined to win the argument.

Once he was off the phone, I decided to take his example to the extreme and apply that theory to everything. Maybe I could make a point.

"Let's say I don't like The Candy Man Can from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Does that mean I don't like candy?"

He raised an eyebrow at me as if what I was saying was really stupid. And perhaps it was, but it made sense to me.

"No man, that's not the same..."

I continued with another example.

"Or if I don't like the Beatles' "All You Need Is Love", does that mean I hate love, or just the song?

Again, he said that my examples were totally off. The anthem was different.

I disagree.

"Different how?" I prodded.

"If you don't like it you are a Commy, a Nazi, or a terrorist. Grow your mustache back Hitler!". He thought this was hilarious. (By the way I did actually sport a Hitler/Chaplin 'stache for a day at work, for a fun social experiment, and because I was bored).

I denied his insult-based-evidence and told him that if my other song examples do not apply to his theory that 'not liking a song about America instantly means I hate America', then he is being inconsistent and hypocritical with these arbitrary rules he wants to apply to only one song.

That is called special pleading. When you apply a rule to everything else but the thing you are arguing, or apply a rule to only the thing you are arguing, and ignore everything else. Sorry buddy, it does not work that way.

Imagine going to a retail store flying a large banner out side proclaiming that "Everything is on sale!" So you enter, and browse the aisles until you find the item you want. At the checkout the item rings up at full price. You stop the clerk and say, "Wait, that is supposed to be on sale." He says, "No, sorry, this is regular price." Confused you restate the rule of the sign, "I thought that everything was on sale?" He shakes his head, "Everything but this thing."

I'm guessing you might want to get rid of, or possibly change that sign that says everything is on sale, eh?

Sorry, I got sidetracked. I believe he was defending his reasons.

"No way!" he retorted. "You can't judge the anthem the way you can judge other songs."

"Bullshit!" I said, getting heated about this discussion, matching his intensity. "The national anthem is just a song, like any other song, therefore I can judge it as a song. And I think that it sucks... AS A SONG."

Obviously this conversation was going nowhere, as I saw the topic as one based upon music, and he did not make that distinction. There was no way I could see us coming to any sort of agreement.

I can't defend his point of view, but I sure can defend mine.

Music and message do not have to be synonymous. There are very political bands out there that have a strong liberal or conservative slant, yet not everyone who likes their music subscribes to the bands' views. It's possible that people can just like the music.

I've listened to a lot of black and death metal over the years, both with crazy lyrics talking about Satan, demons and disemboweling women through their Va-jay-jays.

Does that mean I agree wholeheartedly with those ideas?

Fuck no.

(Though I am a card-carrying member of the Satanic Vaginal Intestine Rippers Of Colorado (SVIROC))

Those lyrics are retarded, silly, childish, and absurd. But that doesn't change the fact that some of the music is super badass.

As I was ordering food through the bartender, the manager made sure to change my name on the ticket to "America hater", which he printed out with a laugh, and handed me his clever creation.

I laughed a bit, but really, I was thinking how much of a soar spot this topic had dredged up for him, even if part of it was a joke.

What I was starting to understand from him, whether partly in jest or not, was the lesson that pride in your country, based on simply being a citizen of the country, is, I'm guessing, quite important. Not really sure why, but it seems to be.

Let me ask you this: Are you proud of your local sports teams when they lose terribly? Are you happy with your favorite band when they finally put out a disappointing album? Are you proud of your child when he gets in trouble at school for showing his "pee pee" to the class?

Pride has its place, but as I see it, should be based upon accomplishment.

I am not pro-America, nor am I anti-America. There are times when I support my country, and times when I don't. And I don't have to agree with everything this giant country does as a collective. It's really pretty silly.

I owe this country nothing (beyond taxes), and it owes me nothing (beyond my tax refund). At no time am I required to like or not like something about it.

What almost scares me about this little, somewhat humorous exchange, is the notion that blatantly subscribing to nationalism via its self-promotional pride-for-the-sake-of-pride songs, is mandatory.

What were those last lines of the anthem again?

Something about home of the brave and land of the... of the... I guess that part does not apply to people with a different opinion eh?

I still stand by my initial opinion. The national anthem is not a good song from a (subjective) musical standpoint and has nothing to do with my political opinions.

What do you think? Does not liking a song about America make me into a terrorist-Nazi-Commy-traitor-socialist? And can I be redeemed if I enjoy America's "Horse With No Name?"


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Tags: national anthem america nationalism music politics pride nazi terrorist commy socialist

New DeprecationWear T-Shirt: Prayer

Just in time for my recently published essay on the efficacy of prayer, comes a T-shirt on the... efficacy of prayer. Man, that's a bit too redundant.

Read the essay, wear the shirt. They both contain a dcent amount of awesomeness (I do not say how much awesomeness mind you)

 

 

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